[pachyderm]

I guess I am taking the opportunity to use Psych Central to "journal." Maybe I should not do it. Maybe I should keep it to myself? I will express some thoughts that are not entirely "pleasant" and may upset some people.



Sometimes my therapist says something or does something that makes me afraid. I perceive (at least) that he is not being entirely honest, that he wants my approval too much, or that he does not want to contend with some behavior of mine or thoughts that I express to him. He does at times seem to criticize me for my behavior. Sometimes he seems not to want to understand what is happening, why people act the way they do; he would rather condemn, sometimes. I presume because some of it is a bit too frightening for him to contend with. There seems to me to be unresolved "counter-transference" to me and to others at times.

This reminds me of my own childhood: my mother often (always?) struck me as being insincere (at best). And along with insincerity, which I think I can understand (people being afraid of being punished or condemned for actually being genuine) came her punishing ways. I find it very hard to see, when someone seems to be covering up their true feelings, that at some point that is not going to result in a disaster for me. It reminds me too much of times in my childhood that were very challenging, in which I did not know if I were going to survive. (I am not sure I did survive entirely, psychologically.)

So having a therapist of whom I sometimes have thoughts that I think (correctly, at times) that he will not like, someone that I will have to disagree with, someone from whom I will definitely have to "separate" at times, can be very uncomfortable. It reminds me too much of times when as a child expressing a disagreement with my mother seemed like it would probably result in death. Certainly my mother often saw it as an act of treason against her.

I guess the same thing can be an advantage or a disadvantage. These things force one to remember highly unpleasant experiences from the past. The question I often have is this: are these things really in the past? Or are they still true today?

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( pachy )))))))))))))))))))

Have you tried talking to your T about your feelings? I'm not sure if whats effecting you is really in the past it is a really good question though.
My thoughts are how can something really be in the past if it's effecting you today. It's all very thought provoking.

[nightbird]

I hope you continue to write.

I have similar questions regarding people in certain situations that test my resolve, I guess.

Are these memory cells or behavioral dynamics?

Nightbird

pachyderm.. do you want us to not respond to these posts that are journals?

[Brian37]

is there such a thing as a "perfect" therapist?

[pachyderm]

> do you want us to not respond to these posts that are journals?

I usually learn from what other people have to say -- even when they don't understand what I am trying to say -- I need to learn that.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Brian37 said:
is there such a thing as a "perfect" therapist?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think that's a good question, Brian. I don't expect my therapist to be perfect. My therapist is human and I love that. Maybe a robot would be perfect, and who wants that? But a human has the capacity for great love, joy, and also failure and missteps.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pachyderm said:
Sometimes my therapist says something or does something that makes me afraid

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Pachyderm, you seem to learn a lot about yourself from these less than perfect interactions with your therapist, and make connections to origins of your current behavior in your childhood. So it sounds very valuable. What does your therapist say or suggest when you share these thoughts and connections with him?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
are these things really in the past? Or are they still true today?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">The original occurrences were in the past but it sounds like they set up a behavior pattern that is still with you today. Sounds like you want to change that? Good goal.

[pachyderm]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
Pachyderm, you seem to learn a lot about yourself from these less than perfect interactions with your therapist, and make connections to origins of your current behavior in your childhood. So it sounds very valuable.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Valuable but not at all easy. I still have a hard time seeing the difference between the present and the past. I feel that I may succumb to the temptation to "go under" as I think happened to me at that time. It really feels dangerous.

[Mouse_]

Pachyderm, Yes its hard to put the past aside and risk trusting that a relationship today isn't necesarily going to be the same as our past experiences. I am constantly working on this and only today told T that I feel she is going to get rid of me any minute now, to which she always replys, "and why would I do that"? Its with that question that I realise I am stuck in the trauma of the failed relationship, the one where we managed to get through it, but never worked through it, so I'd say as long as you can work through any less them perfect relationships then there is hope for a different ending.

[pachyderm]

What if my T is not a grown-up? Or, not enough, anyway. Or I perceive that that is the case? What do I do in those times when I need a grown-up to see what is happening, rather than be presented with someone who does not have the strength to confront real difficulties, someone who does not really want to deal with me when I am in trouble?

I do not think there are a whole lot of grown-ups in this society. Having a T who is not emotionally very, very mature can be frightening, for me, at least. Maybe not totally disabling frightening, but still...

You can tell me to shut up...

[Mouse_]

If your T isn't emotionally mature, then you have to leave and find someone that is. Its a waste of your time to stick with someone like that, there is nothing to be gained long term. I remember a counsellor telling me when i was in treatment and had been having 1 -1 with another counsellor and 6months on was in as much the same state as I was when I started, he said, "you know counselling/therapy industry can attrack very sick people" and he wasn't talking about the clients.

Pach,
It is sometimes really difficult to tell if your distrust is warranted or is just a replaying of the past. I usually ask for some kind of reassurance from T each session, like, "Do you really care for me or am I just a client?," or "Am I annoying you?" etc. I have a difficult time trusting that he does care and is not just "faking it".

I hope you tell your T everything that you wrote. I know it is scary, and may lead to difficult times but working through this will inevitably help you in the end.

I'm so sorry that your childhood was so horrible and hope you can overcome the behaviors you learned ((((Pachy)))))

[pachyderm]

> It is sometimes really difficult to tell if your distrust is warranted or is just a replaying of the past.

Exactly.

> "Do you really care for me or am I just a client?,"

But you know what he or she is going to say to that!