I Skipped Over Ts Boundary

As my anger failed to subside over T being angry at me, I desperately sought out the help of my Pdoc. He told me that my T was probably really shaken by what had happened because it was his first time having this happen. I did not know this. So, it is understandable that a feeling of fear/helplessness turned into anger. I wish he had told me that then, though.

<font color="green"> Here's an interesting conversation: </font>

<font color="blue"> Me: "So, does your wife still hate me for what I did?" </font>

<font color="#880000"> T: "You just skipped over a boundary. </font>

<font color="blue"> Me: (I was speechless) </font>

<font color="green"> ***So, T asked me another unrelated question and I answered it quickly. </font>

<font color="#880000"> T: "Did you feel rebuffed by my comment?" </font>

<font color="blue"> Me: "Yes, I did!" </font>

<font color="#880000"> T: "I haven't invited you into my living room. We talk about your husband because you've invited me." </font>

<font color="blue"> Me: "I don't want to be in your living room [okay, so I lied]! You put me there by talking about me with your wife. I don't ever want you to talk to her or anyone about me outside of this office (or something like that)." </font>

<font color="green"> AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:</font>

<font color="blue"> Me: "AND THAT IS MY BOUNDARY!" </font>

<font color="green"> So, I looked up at T wondering how he was going to react. He had a look on his face, a look that said that he was proud of me </font>

<font color="#880000"> T: "Okay, fair enough." </font>

Wow. That was really strange. But it felt good to say it. I think that my T loved it

WOW, Sol, that's so great.

Before T, as crazy as it sounds, I never, EVER considered that *I* could have boundaries. I'm slowly, slowly, slowly learning that I can and should set boundaries for myself. And check YOU out! You did it!

I bet T was super proud. And you should be too. Go, Soliaree!!

I think it was good to speak up firmly. I would be very upset if I found out that my T was talking about me to other people. I guess it is common to talk to your spouse about work. I guess I would if I felt that he really was interested. However as the patient, I would NOT want to know about this breach of privacy. I like to think of myself as just one of the many mundane patients she sees during the work day.

((((Earth)))))),
Thanks for the recognition I really appreciate it!

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I would be very upset if I found out that my T was talking about me to other people.

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Yeah, I hate that!

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I guess I would if I felt that he really was interested.

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That's a good way of looking at it, but he was really angry too, LOL. That kind of interest I don't need.

I also like looking at it in this way -- at least he was thinking about me in between sessions! Hah! I caught him!
LOL

WOOOO HOOOOOO

This is a phenomenally powerful exchange Soliaree!! Way to go sistah!!!!!!!!!

If T told you that he spoke to his wife about you then HE DID SO invite you into his "living room" by mentioning his wife. SO THERE MR T

I think you are freaking brave as well as brave as the bravest brave!!

YEAH!! I totally agree with everyone in here!!! You go girl!! And a. he shouldn't have talked about you. b. he shouldn't have TOLD you that he talked about you!!! You are brave!!!

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HE DID SO invite you into his "living room"

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Yes HE DID! There's irrefutable evidence. I'm going to go now and sit on his couch. I think he has a picture of me hanging up in this living room, LOL.

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you are freaking brave as well as brave as the bravest brave!!

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Awwwww, shucks. LOL Thanks Miss! Take that T!

Kiya,
Thanks! I feel like I have made some progress

Soliaree, I love how you set your boundary with him. So firm. So strong. What great practice for outside the office too.

I wasn't sure about this part of the exchange:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
<font color="blue"> Me: "So, does your wife still hate me for what I did?" </font>

<font color="#880000"> T: "You just skipped over a boundary. </font>

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I don't get the part about his wife hating you. For what? He has previously told you his wife hates you? Wow, just wow. And what boundary did you skip over? I don't see any. Apparently, he has told you on a previous occasion that his wife hates you. And you are following up on that. I don't see a boundary that has been broken here. If he tells you stuff like his wife hates you then he can certainly expect you to return to that conversation if you choose. I also do not see at all how it is therapeutic for him to tell you his wife hates you. I think he made a big goof here. Sounds like your being so firm with him on your boundary may help get him back on track. (Sheeesh, who's the therapist here?)

Sunny,
I asked him that because in a session awhile ago he admitted to telling his wife about when I cut myself in his bathroom. He told me he was angry about that. He did not tell me that his wife was, but I assumed so. So, I asked him if his wife was still angry. I crossed the boundary in asking about how his wife felt. Good question

Wow, you go girl!!!!!!!!

Thanks best

ill second whats been said soli... totally.

i can understand him telling his wife... so long as it wasn't telling her who it was. i mean, all in all, it must have been upsetting and he probably needed the personal support and understanding too. If i was shaken i would tell my spouse why. What he %#@&#! up on though was telling you he did it... that is anger, from him toward you and it's a tad passive-aggressive. That was where he fell on his face.

but we all do, right?

yeah, he pretty much set up a TV tray for you. i mean, if i ask my T about his trip to NYC, he cant really blame me - he told me he was going, right?

but you're right, about what you said last night, best not to dwell too hard on him messing up... that just widens any gap created.

i think his "fair enough comment" (with associated "look") is a reasonable patch to the goof. i think it's probably the only sort of concession he'll make on it. He will want to be more firm for a while i think... but i would bet he is definitely thinking hard about how to do that and still give you the care that you need.

and remember... if he didnt truly care, he'd be indifferent, right?

just remember where the boundary is (hahahahahahaha... sorry, inside joke)

You handled this so well and powerfully, I think you taught the T something valuable (((((((((( Soliaree )))))))))))