confidence/need T

i dont have any... not in my ability to cope.. not in my ability to make a whole life for myself.. alone.

some major career opportunities/developments have forcedme to consider the big real world really really really fast... im scared and im alone. No.. i dont know how to empower myself.. thats why im in therapy.. i dont know how to do this stuff.. T is teaching me stuff most people learned a long time ago.. but he is away



Another week.

im really scared and confused and i dont know where to start... everything is happening all at once and i dont have the first sweet clue how to DO any of this.

i know it sounds stupid.. i know it does. But i never learned how to be truly independent or self reliant in so many important ways. On the one side i was independent and extroverted from birth practically... on the other, for many complicated reasons, i didn't have good full role models, or teaching in good self confidence or inner reliance. i got what i have by watching people and trying to mimic, it has carried me far, but there wasnt anything of that deeper internalized component. So.. like i told T.. i know how to *act* confident... not how to *be* confident... and that extends to many necessary skills and interanl strengths. When i got old enough i was actively discouraged and when i formed outside relationships many of them took away from me... or worse.

NO ONE who knows me would ever know this... ever guess how terrified i am every day. i do all that stuff of "do it anyway"... i've been doing that all my life. My problem is back-asswards from most people. i told myself all those things that all the "feel good" books, etc say to tell oneself. Been there... done it... its empty. %#@&#! empty.

it's not unusal for someone to say directly to me that they wish they could be like me... trust me, no one should ever wish to be like me. This is a hard place to live.. in here.

i need my T.. i need a compass inside and i dont know how to find mine..

HANG IN THERE FLUFF...! I know how you feel~! I really do!

Try to focus on 1 thing at a time...instead of the whole picture.

That helps me somewhat...Hope your T gets back soon!

((((((MZJELLOFLUFF))))))

((((((((((((( mzjellofluff )))))))))))))))))))))

"But i never learned how to be truly independent or self reliant in so many important ways. On the one side i was independent and extroverted from birth practically... on the other, for many complicated reasons, i didn't have good full role models, or teaching in good self confidence or inner reliance. i got what i have by watching people and trying to mimic, it has carried me far, but there wasnt anything of that deeper internalized component. So.. like i told T.. i know how to *act* confident... not how to *be* confident... and that extends to many necessary skills and interanl strengths. When i got old enough i was actively discouraged and when i formed outside relationships many of them took away from me... or worse. "

You said it, Fluff - the very things I've been trying to pinpoint for 5 years when i keep telling my T's somethings missing.

So, first to prioritize - are there things happening before t gets back? can you tell us (if you want help making descisions or just brainstorming)?
kiya

(((((((((((((((((( fluff ))))))))))))))))))

I'm with Kiya - can *we* help you??

I was just telling my husband today that everyone *thinks* I'm so capable when really I'm just ACTING that way. Sometimes I'll ask T for help with something and he'll say something like "well, you figured this out so well last time, I'd like to see you try again" and it just makes me want to SCREAM. I totally hear you...it's such a tough spot to be in.

yes. scream. often want to scream. T is right earthmamma.. we DO figure it out and i dont know about you, but im not really asking him to figure things out... i want him to help me stop feeling this way underneath.

thanks for the support guys zig :hugs gimmeice

ok kiya.. i have to be careful tho.. i dont want to be too identifying...

i was awarded a scholarship program in my particular area of art... it's not much in money.. nothing really.. but the program carries a fab reputation and the amount of networking and publicity from it are worth it. There is a gala event at the end of the project's completion and everyone who is everyone in the local scene is there.

i got my contract from them yesterday and i spent the whole evening having panic attacks off and on.

a contract

like a legally binding thing


this is my first "gig" so to speak. i'm terrified.

me? a working artist? really? no... cant be

i dont know *anything* about what i proposed to do... now, this program is supposed to be exactly for that.. to put a new medium in someone's hands.. but seriously, i know nothing about this. Its a technically difficult medium...

and if i fail.. the fall will be very very public

Then.. there is the small business i have been trying to start up. i wanted to do that and hire a couple of people with disabilities, give them a chance because i know how hard that is... trying to get a job that accomodates. It has been in "fits and starts".. meaning stop, go, stall... like a standard transmission. Its seasonal so i am running out of time as the summer progresses. i got a call from a potential funding source and there was suddenly this big push and all this important information and responsibility shoved into my lap.

im scared. i dont know anything about running a business either.

i am in a pretty difficult financial situation.. i need to become more stable that way.. so the business idea possibly could provide that.. or make it worse. Getting a "regular" job has proven difficult due to my physical limitations.. actually difficult doesnt quite cover it. On one hand.. a part time reuglar job provides income without all the added responsibility and stress a business would... on the other hand, if i can make it work i would be able to set my own hours, and hire others to do the physical stuff... it potentially could make me a lot of money in a short time period.

i really feel damned if you do and damned if you dont.. my whole LIFE seems that way. i think it's a pattern

well i am doing well i am really capable... but when i am not i can be near incapacitated. Pain issues alone are insane.. everyday as it is.. but sometimes crippling... and that alone drives a powerful depression. Add in those hormone issues, bipolar disorder... im %#@&#!.

i cant even seem to install my patio umbrella... and i am supposed to rock the art world?