Today is Sunday. The last time I spoke with T was on Wednesday. Since, then I have only sent him one email, and it was a link to an article. I did not personalize the email to him; in fact, I sent it to a bunch of people at once, T being one of them.

This is very strange for me. I normally have some type of correspondence with him everyday whether it is through voicemail, actually speaking with him, or email.

I am unhappy with our last session and last phone call. The last session was Tuesday; the phone call Wednesday.

The reason that I am unhappy with the last session has absolutely nothing to do with T. I was in the "up" of my mixed phase and I was blurting out things left and right, many of them with sexual undertones or ramblings that were not connected to anything significant besides for my own flight of ideas (at one point I was talking about Betsy Ross and how many sexual partners she may have had. It was completely T's fault, however, for encouraging me by suggesting that perhaps that was what each star on the flag stood for, hahahahaha). Anyway, I was completely not in control. Frankly, I never want to go back (that is a lie, by the way, but it is just how I feel on the surface, based on the last session). I know it was a part of me, a part that he has never seen in action before, a part of my illness-- but still.

I don't remember why I spoke with him on the phone the next day. I do remember that I had taken a quick dip into depression and spoke do him while I was at work. I remember him sounding like he really had no idea what to tell me anymore. I called him out on that and he said that in no way has he given up on me or run out of ideas. The last thing he said was, "Call me or email me anytime."

So I haven't. I feel like I am a huge burden on him and I need to give him a "vacation." There is a small part of me that wants to test him because in my mind, I feel like he should be thinking I am dead and calling to check up on me. That part, however, is much smaller than it used to be. In the past, I would have been writing pages and pages in my journal about how much I hate him for not calling me. I try not to place those games anymore. It has not been uncharacteristic for him to call me in the past, just to see how I am doing. However, I truly have no doubt that he has been thinking about me, that he is concerned, and that he cares.

Now there are only two days remaining until our next session. This was the first week in a long time that I did not see him two times (he was unavailable on Saturday). I miss him very much and I have gone through some very difficult times in the past few days without contacting him. The need to do so was great, but not as great as it has been in the past-- not great enough to call. I try not to torture myself. If I need him badly enough, I will not hold back. However, there has been something else preventing me from contacting him-- something other than my desire to give him a "vacation." I am not sure what. It definitely hasn't been my ability to regulate myself emotionally, because I have done some pretty stupid things since Wednesday. I'm really not sure...

[Perna]

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pinksoil said:
I feel like I am a huge burden on him and I need to give him a "vacation." There is a small part of me that wants to test him because in my mind, I feel like he should be thinking I am dead and calling to check up on me.

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My first thought was how would he know he was having a vacation; he might worry all the time, either expecting you to contact him any minute (and being tense about that, like waiting for the other shoe to drop) or wondering why you hadn't, etc. Ah, we can think our way into any corner or problem we wish so very easily!

I know saying "relax" doesn't help but I try to separate out, disengage, my thinking from who and what is happening around me when I know the thinking is momentarily skewed.

[Kiya]

yeah i was thinking the same thing - when i saw t she said "you've been very quiet this week" because I hadn't sent a single email or called or anything. so i know she was thinking about me and was concerned to the lack of communication.
it's not that i've nothing going on - just like you said - i can't quite name it... can't quite put my finger on it or vocalize it.
hope you're ok pink.

[ECHOES]

Even though I can call, and she still encourages me to call and say anything that's on my mind, I haven't called T much in the past few months. It felt odd at first. It had become kind of a pattern to make one weekend call to her.

It doesn't feel like emotional regulation to me either. Not entirely at least. But I think it is the beginning of emotional regulation. It is 'enough' regulation. I know what I want and need is important but at the same time I feel like I can hold onto it until session. I'm beginning to be able to trust my feeling that she is really there.

I still often start sessions with "I wanted to call you..." and we explore why I wanted to and why I didn't call.

It is bittersweet, being able to not call. It's kind of a lonely feeling and feels at once disconnecting (no call) and connecting (feeling T is truly there).

[MissCharlotte]

Whoa, what has become of us?

Count me in here....I haven't called since the day of session last week--thursday.

That means for the past two weekends I haven't called. And it's not because he doesn't like phone calls (LOL, Lord knows I tested that) and it's not because I don't need him. I sit here fantasizing.

I do think, like Echoes, that it is the beginning of an awareness of self...an awareness of me as separate from him and the relationship...a yearning for my life to continue forward.

Can't do any of those things but I feel okay about not contacting him. LIke Pink, I will call if I need him. I just feel like I can manage right now. And right now is all there is.

Peaceout friends.

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pinksoil said:
I miss him very much and I have gone through some very difficult times in the past few days without contacting him. The need to do so was great, but not as great as it has been in the past-- not great enough to call. I try not to torture myself. If I need him badly enough, I will not hold back. However, there has been something else preventing me from contacting him-- something other than my desire to give him a "vacation." I am not sure what. It definitely hasn't been my ability to regulate myself emotionally, because I have done some pretty stupid things since Wednesday. I'm really not sure...

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Reading the beginning of what you wrote here - about needing to call, but not as much as in the past - made me feel like "okay! go pink!" - like this is growth - the ability to hold the connection with him without calling, the ability to make it through on your own, knowing he's got your back if you need him.

I'm wondering if the struggles you've been having...not being able to regulate....are growing pains? Like there is a part of you that really IS okay, but that causes this disconnect with some old thinking, and you're left with "doing stupid things". I know that I have EXTREME anxiety when my thinking changes in a positive way in therapy - T says it's some sort of inner battle between the old thoughts and the new thoughts.

(((((((((((((( pink )))))))))))))))) I know he'll be happy to see you at your appointment. I bet he misses you.

[kessa19]

I hope the appointment goes well!

[Kiya]

EarthMama-
"I know that I have EXTREME anxiety when my thinking changes in a positive way in therapy - T says it's some sort of inner battle between the old thoughts and the new thoughts."
yeah - big time being mirrored in my own life right now too. the old way demanding that i not care for myself medically and the new way trying to make sure i get the care i need... creating a TON of anxiety, dissociation....
glad you posted that.
kiya