What a weird session. I'm still trying to process it.

I brought my Uno cards, and told him right when I got there that I wanted to play. So we sat on the floor - he leaned against his chair and I leaned against the couch and we both stretched out our legs - so I was sitting by his feet and he was sitting by my feet, with the cards between us. The game itself was fun - we played twice and laughed a lot. At one point, I put down a draw 4 and he said "you're a bad person!" and I laughed and said "oh my god, my THERAPIST just told me I'm a bad person!" It was casual and fun. We have similar senses of humor and insulted each other and giggled a lot. After 2 games, I felt like we should "do therapy" so we put the cards away, but he felt FAR AWAY when we settled into our usual chairs so I moved over to the other side of the couch where I was closer to him. We stretched out our legs and touched feet to measure the distance.

After that, things felt strange. It was like we had had this moment of just being two people hanging out together having fun - no power imbalance, no one being needy, no emotions other than joy - and then all of a sudden we were therapist/client again. I couldn't quite make the shift and it was a weirdly quiet session. He asked me at one point if I felt connected to him and I said "I think so" and asked if he felt connected and he said "yes". We DID talk about things - the progress I've made in therapy, my struggle with accepting that he likes me, my inability to imagine that there is good somewhere inside myself.

This card game idea popped up in my head during the session after we finally started trauma work - and I wonder if I am pulling back, trying to avoid that? He is going to be out of town 6/12 - 6/22 and 7/3 - 7/6 and I think I'm scared to get into trauma stuff with so many breaks coming up. Plus, I just don't like trauma stuff, for obvious reasons. I feel like that's kind of where we're at in therapy right now, and I think I *am* ready for it....but I hate to have to go into that darkness. I don't know WHAT to do. I can't just play Uno at every session from now until July. I want to do all of these strange things - like sit in his chair and have him sit on the couch, for example. Am I testing? Playing? Avoiding? I know he'll let me do whatever I want, within reason. But does that mean I SHOULD do whatever I want? I'm paying a lot of money to play musical chairs and Uno! I feel like there's something I NEED, but I literally have no idea what it is. I feel like I'm grasping and not quite getting it.

So, I thought I'd throw this out there to see if anyone has any thoughts. I feel like I need some ideas from outside of my own head about how to proceed...

At the end of the session, when we were doing our hand holding thing, I looked him right in the eyes and told him "I'm really glad you're my therapist" and he said "Me too".

[Brian37]

wow...thats so cool you can have that kind of relationship with your therapist......mines female, so I have to watch my p's and q's because she knows ive got the "hots" for her...

My first 3 or 4 months in therapy , I had no clue what direction I was going.....then gradually it fell into place

dont feel bad if you feel like your avoiding or playing......hell your the client and its your dollar so to speak.....if you wanna play UNO and it has some therapeutic value...then do it.......the trauma stuff will eventually fall into place (it did for me)

Is that red "X" a trigger icon? Not sure - but this post mentions SA.

I just started wondering if I'm seeing how far the boundaries can be pushed. What can I get away with? How easy is he to manipulate?

When I was in high school, I spent time in counseling with a minister at my church. I had NO understanding of boundaries, or what was/wasn't appropriate, AT ALL. He told me that the senior pastor kept warning him about our relationship, but he just blew it off. I probably felt "special" and I KNOW I felt grateful to have someone listening to me. I probably listened to him as much as he listened to me - he was going through a divorce - but I had no idea that was a red flag. I trusted him and depended on him, and thought of him as sort of a lifeboat - I was a teenager, so still absolutely trapped in the abuse-land of my home.

After about a year or so, he offered to take me out for ice cream and when we were in the car said he needed to stop by his home. I don't know how much is appropriate to put on this board....but basically, the story ends with us in his bed. And after that, as he drove me home (we never did get ice cream), he told me that our relationship had to end, that we couldn't talk to each other any more, that it all had to be over.

This is the first counseling relationship I've been in since then. I'm really starting to think that today's session was about me pushing boundaries. Can we sit on the floor? Can I sit in your chair? Where does it end? I *think* my T has really good boundaries...but maybe I'm just making sure.

I don't know. I feel confused. I thought I would feel *really* good after our Uno game, but suddenly I feel on the verge of a panic attack.

Ok. First of all, we obviously have the same T.

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I don't know. I feel confused. I thought I would feel *really* good after our Uno game, but suddenly I feel on the verge of a panic attack.

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This reminds me SO MUCH of last week's session with T. He suddenly decided to pour out all of this emotinal disclosure fo rme. It was all about how he cares about me, wants to care for me sometimes, and enjoys me just being there in session so that he can engage with me. It was definitely a "whoa" moment, one that was feeling really good, but before long, I was totally overwhelmed and had pretty much dissociated.

I think there are so many factors as to why we feel this panic after moments of intimacy. Like you, I have boundary issues. To me, a relationship with a man=sex. I freak out when T declares his intimacy towards me because I never understood that you can actually achieve inimacy without sex. Secondly, we are are simply not used to something caring and loving us just because we are us. We show them all these different parts of us (some of the horrid) and there they are, holding our hands, reciprocating the connection, etc.

Your post actually scared me a little, lol-- I just couldn't believe how much it mirrored my sessions-- the casual nature, the bantering, the laughing... and then going back to therapist/patient. We have never played cards though. I would probably be too inclined to game. lol

[Kiya]

EM... I don't know where to start so i guess i'll start with yeah, i've played cards in therapy before - her suggestion. She was using it as a means to get my brain outta the way to free me up in talking (course, I didn't know how to play UNO so it didn't free me up at all). I think if you wanted to try that tho, it might work?
Also, if it were me and there were all those breaks with t i wouldn't want to do trauma work either... oh wait, that is me and my t will be gone and we did start trauma work. hmmm.

Have you told you t about what you shared with us - with the counselor who didn't keep good boundaries? might be a starting point.
((((((kiya))))))

[splitimage]

I've had a really bad experience with doing trauma work right before my T left for holidays a few years ago. It led to a very serious bout of cutting for me, so your fears about not wanting to start trauma work when you know he's going to be away are valid. Have you talked to your T about them? You may be able to find a way to do some trauma work but then also work on containing the feelings it brings up so that you're not left hanging when he's away.

[MyBestKids2]

Awesomeness comes to mind!!!

[Mouse_]

I had a T that use to tell me how much she enjoyed seeing me and how much she enjoyed our time together, she actually on our first session sent me a poem she had written to show me (she says) that I was not alone in how I felt. I don't think I Had even got as far as telling her how I felt when she told me she had a poem she would show me. Toward the 6month mark she said she felt "redundent" with me and felt I knew as much as her and she pulled the cards out. I begun to feel as if she wasn't secure enought for me anymore, I needed something but didn't know at that time what. I needed her to set the boundaries, to be firm to help me feel secure, but I felt we were both floating together and I finally tested her but saying I think perhaps I'm ready to quit. She said that was entiely up to me and I think I wanted her to hold onto me, but she didnt and I left. ITs only now with this T that I see what I was needing and playing cards and being like "friends" though nice, wasn't what I needed to feel secure enought to go deeper. I look back on that T as my first steps into believe perhaps someone could care for me, but she wasn't "strong" enought for me to feel safe to do the real trauma work.

[MissCharlotte]

Hey Earthmama,

What a fun session. I'm glad you were able to realize your wish to play Uno--it takes a lot of courage to do that.

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want to do all of these strange things - like sit in his chair and have him sit on the couch, for example.

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I have had this fantasy as well. Once T even offered me his chair when I was jumping out of my skin. I think that maybe it sounds like you are struggling with being the "one in charge." T's chair is the symbol of power in the room. And bringing in the card game puts you in the driver's seat. Maybe you are grasping, trying to figure out what it is you need to tell him. Just keep working it through and it will "bubble up."

Peace

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Mouse_ said:
ITs only now with this T that I see what I was needing and playing cards and being like "friends" though nice, wasn't what I needed to feel secure enought to go deeper. I look back on that T as my first steps into believe perhaps someone could care for me, but she wasn't "strong" enought for me to feel safe to do the real trauma work.

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Well, I will say in his defense that he didn't WANT to play cards. When I brought the cards on Tuesday and we didn't play I said at the end of the session "we didn't play Uno" and he replied "thank god!". And I told him that for some reason it was a huge deal for me to sit on the floor and play, so he said we could try it on Friday. He trusts that I know what I need, and will usually try to give it to me, and we see how it plays out.

I do think he can handle the trauma work. I'm just not sure that I can

Thanks for replying, Mouse...

[Mouse_]

Sorry I wasn't asking you to defend your T, your post just reminded me of my own experience.

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MissCharlotte said:
I think that maybe it sounds like you are struggling with being the "one in charge." T's chair is the symbol of power in the room. And bringing in the card game puts you in the driver's seat. Maybe you are grasping, trying to figure out what it is you need to tell him.


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This kind of makes sense to me. I think I've let myself be really vulnerable in starting the trauma work...not a position that I'm used to or comfortable with. I'm used to being strong and independent and looking out for myself. Maybe this is all a play to step away from that vulnerability. Thanks for pointing that out to me - I know in the vulnerability is the healing (for me), so this gives me something to think about...

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Mouse_ said:
Sorry I wasn't asking you to defend your T, your post just reminded me of my own experience.

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Oh, I know! Sorry if I sounded defensive. That's not how I meant it at all.

[Mouse_]

[kessa19]

Here's just a thought, probably completely way off base... To me the therapeutic relationship is supposed to kind of mimic a healthy parent/child relationship--they shouldn't tell us their problems, they support and guide us, have rules, etc. You often hear that your parent isn't supposed to be your friend. I wonder if something about the dynamic didn't feel right to you because it felt too much like friends and you aren't ready for that yet??? I think at some point when a child matures they can be on a more equal level as their parents and can become friends at that point. Maybe your inner child isn't ready??? Sorry if that doesn't make sense. I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

That does make sense, Kessa. It might be something about the shift in how we were relating to each other that is eating at me. I desperately want him as my THERAPIST - he's really good, and I feel safe with him. I know that I can't have him be my friend (outside the room) and have him be my therapist too, and I want him as my therapist. I liked playing Uno - but maybe it reminded me too much of the situation with the minister, and made me feel scared I would lose him as a therapist. Hmmmm.