Taking all off me too T .

I go back too T today. THe past week has been hard, theres been no where to hide within myself and kid myself that I was fine without T, yes of course I survived, but the feelings were struggling...one thing I felt last night was that its important not to forget the struggle this week and turn on my "im great" mode just because I've got what I so badly wanted all of this week, T...that is something I sort of do, I leave behind all the pain and struggles I've gone through becuase T is back and this time it feels as if that would be an abandoment all of those feelings...Perhaps this is kind of an intergration...Funny its also a re-enactment of my mothers emotional life...she would be mean and hurtful then all of a sudden when something had gone her way, she'd be the full of sunshine and I'd be left wondering what wa what, and how come she can hurt me one minute then completley forget it the next and I had no way to help those feelings that had experienced the pain and suffering..but today I do...I am not disowning them like I use to have too...its not T that has changed and its not the wrong T that comes back today...its been my insides that have been re-enacting the changing mother and believing when T isn't thre..that the "good" mother isn't there and I too keep the "good" mother like that, abandoned my own pain and put on the happy face...

(((((((((((((((((((((( mouse )))))))))))))))))))))))

I hope you have a great session today.

I found your comments about the "I'm Great" mode incredibly interesting. This post has trigger a lot of questions--I wish could just jump in to cyberspace and discuss it with you.

Here's a question for ya. The pattern of abandoning of the stressful/painful/irrational feelings after you've successfully endured a triggering event (in your case- absence of your T). Is this always a bad thing to do? Isn't this what people are telling you to do when they say stuff like, "You survived, get over it. "Put your worries and struggles behind you." 'Don't let anything keep you down for long."

This I'm Great mode is difficult for me too. Mainly because when I am feeling good, I really do seem to forget where I've been emotionally. This makes it very hard for me to talk about and get insight on where these emotions actually come from. Kind of like, well if I'm not actually feeling them now, they must not have been that bad or must not be a real problem.

Wow, I having a Jeckyill and Hyde parent really does suck for a kid! I never thought about it from the child's perspective before. Thank you Mouse!

You make me wonder if I'm accidentally re-enacting this in my own way and sending my kids the same mixed messages-- "Damn, Mom's on her broom... time to duck and cove. "Whoe...OK now she's off it and approachable again.", "What's up with that?", "Was it something I did?","What fixed her?", "Did I do it?" .... I really hope I'm not putting my kids through the same ********.

Eventually as a kid living in a house like this, I think I finally got to the point of ..."WHATEVER, he's just a f*ed up a$$hole...,look where all the worrying and wondering has gotten mom...I DO NOT want to be like her!...Stop worrying about it.... Just stay away from them as much as possible and don't think about it." Maybe this is where my cold, uncaring personality was born.

BTW, Your other post, the one about your brother not seeing your stepmother the way you did because he was the good child, was also very interesting. I didn't experience that issue personally but my kids are experiencing it. God, this is another issue I'd just love to sit and casually talk with someone who's been there about. Oh, yeah I do have someone to chat about this with...MY T!...That is if I can remember the feelings this post evoked ... and then of course actually open my mouth.

Mouse... I really just wanted to say.. very interesting reflection... thanks for sharing it.

Chaotic, I've never taken notice of people who say "get over it", I found that a whole lot when I was in AA, I found that to be very unvalidating. T always says you survived but not in a way that disrepects what I did have to go through. ITs been myself that has turned my back on that part of me that struggles. Its been me abandoning my inner child and I guess this is the first time I've not just "dumped" her like I was and wanted to value where her pain comes from..It hurts and its difficult to deal with these emotions, but it does make me more whole when I continue living alongside my pain and not find ways to rid myself of it, ie, drink, drugs or false humour. I hope this has answered your question.

Your other point about do we effect our kids, well yeah I think I most proberbly have and the difference between them and my childhood is I'm willing to be open with them and listen to them if they have problems and I never dismiss their experience unlike how my adoptive mother did with mine..

I wasn't in a good way during the session today, I told T I feel like a sentence has been passed in my inner kingdom and the sentence is guilty and I am to be found and sentenced to death for my crime of being me.

T said that it must have felt that way growing up when any emotions shown by me were quashed until I became completely passive, which would have felt like an emotional murder/death...

One thing with the "I'm fine" though, after T comes back, was, for me, that I was fine because T was back and I had "finished" with her having been gone! After a point one I realized I was "holding on" to bad feelings because they had been bad and there'd only been me to acknowledge them at that time and I wasn't yet feeling like I "counted" enough to be an authority on acknowledging my feelings! But after awhile I got tired of the whiplash of fine/not fine caused from holding on and then suddenly letting go (like a stretched rubber band) and it became much more comfortable to be miserable when I was miserable (when T was away) and okay when T was back and I had no need to feel abandoned anymore, because I no longer was for the moment!

You said, "I told T I feel like a sentence has been passed in my inner kingdom and the sentence is guilty and I am to be found and sentenced to death for my crime of being me."

I appreciate how you stated your feelings with that comment. It really struck a cord with me--about how "wrong" it feels for me to even exist as a human being. This is something I am working on now and, at times, I feel better about it. I hope you stick with therapy so you can work through this...I hope you can come to realize you are an important, loving human being who deserves to not only live, but be happy.

Thanks Mouse,
I think I kind of ditch the inner me a lot. I want to deal with these emotions but I forget about them during the sessions.

<font color="green"> Dear Mouse,
I am not adopted, but my mother was like this too. My father was loving and supportive but in the Navy and gone often. While he was gone my mother would be all over the place emotionally and I rarely knew if she was gonna smack me or hug me. When she was being nice I would luxuriate in her care; her negative mood swing always seemed to catch me off guard.

Whenever I saw she was in a good mood, I would do all I could to keep her happy, I think this is part of the beginning of the 'I feel fine' syndrome we tend to have with T. After all T tends to resemble our mothers at their best - attentive, caring, focused on ME and working with me to help be the best I can.

Sadly, I go the other way all too often - this feels so good I can't let anyone know or I will lose it. So I dig up every fear and trouble I can find and try hard to show I am still very sick instead of getting too healthy to be this needy. sigh.....</font>

Dalila, Yes thats just how it was.