I cancelled all of my sessions with T. I WILL PAY DEARLY FOR THIS! I am already in massive emotional pain. I've given myself a harsh sentence it seems.

I am soooo devastated!!!!! There's so much leading up to this, there's not enough room to describe.

The other day in session I told him that I did not want to go back to one day a week (I go twice a week). He said, "Well, when do you plan on doing this?" Ughhhh. I said, "Never," LOL. He said that we will talk about it at a later session since it was time to go. I told him that I wanted an answer now, that I couldn't wait until the next session. He said, "It's time to go." I told him, "I hate that you have the power and I have none." Last night, I was thinking of how angry I was and kept repeating the phrase, "How could he use his Power to dispense affection and withdraw it as he sees fit???!!!" [Oh, the transference -- I just figured this one out last night. T will never know].

I called him on the phone today and told him that I was really upset over how the session ended. He said, "You can't build your life around me." Ouch!!! Talk about making me feel disgusting and repulsive for being needy. He had told me before that I would be the one to decide when to go back to two days. I guess that wasn't true. (I did tell Pdoc that I would go to once a week because I wanted to do what is right. I totally chickened out).

I have never been so frustrated in my life. I don't know how to communicate all of this. It is so difficult to communicate with myself internally. This is a major issue that causes me to become so angry and frustrated. . .

He was my last hope. There will be no more.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Soliaree ))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

((((((((((Soliaree)))))))))))))))

Ouch. Those comments would hurt a lot of people!

[Fuzzybear]

[nightbird]

I'm sure you can email him (even if he won't accept them) or try to email him or read this post to him on his answering machine.

tell him how you feel.

it might be salvageable, it very well could be.

don't shoot yourself in the foot if you are not ready to walk out.

if you are - and maybe you are ready for someone or something else, even a group, you can take this as an opportunity for more change.

whatever you need, don't let pride stand in your way.

peace,
nightbird

i hope you can find a way to comfort yourself soli... in the end, that is what a lot of us are trying to learn to do - comfort our own selves. It's unfortunate that he doesn't seem to be willing to make things be a team effort.

i am so sorry. Please don't torture yourself, ok?

you are not disgusting in any way..

be safe

Just lots of hugs.

((((((((((((((((((((((( Soliaree ))))))))))))))))))))))))

Don't give up hope.

[Kiya]

yeah, what jello said. =( exactly.
(((((((((soli)))))))))))

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( Soliaree )))))))))))))))))))

[MissCharlotte]

Sol,

I am so sorry you are hurting so bad.

From one session canceler to another.....

I managed to find greater intimacy in the relationship by working through the ruptures. It has not been easy but in some ways it is how I am beginning to find my voice and my power.

Take gentle care.

[Mouse_]

Ouch, He sounds a bit to authoritive!

Thanks everyone

I cannot find the words to describe how ungodly excruciating this is. I feel completely devastated, hopeless, and that all of my fight and efforts to get better have been futile. I oscillate between being angry as hell and wanting to self-destruct and just submitting to this and accepting my fate. These are not the greatest options and I am unable to consider options that are gray.

I don't know if he is happy as hell that I am gone. He just got rid of a liability and didn't do it himself. Is he relieved? Does he care? I once told him that if it ever got to the point that I missed a session that he would know something is wrong. Does he remember this? Is he angry and now content knowing that he will not have to deal with me? He knows that power struggles are my weakness. I have no appointments with him now. So, to call and make one would make me feel even less powerless because I would have to talk to the secretary who took my cancellation call, and would feel like I was begging to come back. I want to tell him everthing I've figured out. I had no choice but to take back my own power. I was and am unable to submit. I so desperately want to call him but cannot find it within myself to do so.

This action has empowered me. I have finally taken a stand and drawn a boundary with T. I finally showed him that I will not accept someone else determing my fate. If he doesn't somehow orchestrate this so I can go back, not feel like I am begging, and save face this will be a major turning point. I will tell him everything that I have figured out as a result of this. I will tell him that I will no longer be silenced by his or anyone else's anger. I will no longer be passive in order to avoid other people's anger. I will no longer see others as having more power than myself to figure out what is going on with me. I now know that I am the only one who knows myself. I now will be able to tell others, No, that's not how I'm feeling, that's not what I'm thinking, that's not the reason I did that, that's not the reason I said that. I WILL BE HEARD. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED. I WILL NOT SUBMIT. EVER. EVER AGAIN.

As you can see, I am holding multiple emotions at the same time. I am also holding massive anxiety wondering whether or not I will ever see T again. This will never be resolved if I never see him again. So, I guess I am unable to give myself power on this one at this time. If he looks beyond by behavior to see my intentions and sees that he made a grievous error and begs me to come back (okay, I'm reframing this to fit my purposes as I don't want to say if he takes me back, LOL), he will see that all of his efforts have not been in vain. I wish I had known another way to empower myself, but I clearly didn't.

PS: If you haven't figured out what my avatar (whatever it's called) is, it is a picture of a dead hippo. Also, notice Ts new quote. Nice touch, huh? I did this when I was angry and now think it is hillarious! LOL

[Mouse_]

[ErinBear]

Hi Soliaree,

You may still feel the same way, that you do not want to return for any more sessions. If you do want to return to your T, I hope you will give yourself that opportunity. I think counselors are accustomed to people cancelling their appointments when they are really upset, wanting to dissolve the relationship, even long-time clients. It happens. It also happens that they call back a few days later, or a week later, and reconsider and want to reschedule. I would bet good money on the fact that this would not be his first experience of this in the course of his work. I think any good counselor should be open to seeing a client again when there has been a difficult session like this, and a cancellation, if the client wants to meet once again.

Again, you'd need to decide if that is what you want. It sounds like his comments could have been phrased better, or he could have approached things a different way. Counselors are human, and they make errors now and then, it's true. But from what you are saying, over the course of the time you've worked together, there have been many positive things. I think it's a good policy to meet with a counselor at least one more time when there has been such a hard session, and talk face-to-face, even if you are thinking of quitting....rather than quit without meeting again. I think it's healthy to discuss the situation in person, and express your feelings about that difficult session. It sounds to me as if you're pretty upset with him. There may be a chance that you could work it out together still. Maybe he could explain his thoughts behind what he said. Sometimes when things seem at their worst, bringing those things up in session are the times of the greatest growth - hard as it is. You still may not want to return, but you may want to give it some thought. It sounds like this was a very positive relationship over time. It may still be, and could grow richer when you work through this rough patch. I've had that experience in counseling, and I've heard that from others too.

Whatever happens, I send you good wishes. Please take good care of yourself at this difficult time.

Take care,
ErinBear

[Brian37]

"Don't give up, don't ever give up" - Jim Valvano

[Behindthemoon]

i guess i could easily be hurt by that kind of comments if i were in my low days.

[sunrise]

(((((Soli))))) Those are some hard times you've had with T recently. I wanted to comment on your new siggy, as that is what is really capturing my attention in your posts.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Suffocate, be in extreme emotional pain, and realize there's nothing you can do about it. You have no power. You will have access to me as I see fit. Your neediness is disgusting. Trust me to decide what you need.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Soliaree, your T said this to you? Those words scare me. I think if someone spoke those words to me, I would leave and never look back. Those words are not empowering in the least and sound like they come from someone who adores power. I believe we have all sorts of power over our lives and I think most therapists would promote this view. Why would your T say to you "you have no power"? How is that therapeutic? Those words make it sound as if he is trying to beat you down.

Your T really said, "your neediness is disgusting?" Again, how is this therapeutic? It is major countertransference and an inappropriate disclosure, IMO.

And the part I disliked the most was "Trust me to decide what you need." How condescending and infantilizing. A really important thing my therapist said to me in one of our first sessions was "only you know what you need to heal." I realized that is so true. I need to look inside and I will discover what I need. I can share this with T and he will help me with what I find, but he certainly can't know what I need to heal. He's not a mindreader or God. It's a partnership, not an outsider saying "I know your needs" and not letting you speak up for yourself. To be frank, Soliaree, that last statement of your T's disgusts me.

Sunrise,
I apologize for the misleading quote. When I put (revised) I thought that I had let everyone know that this was just anger I was expressing by using Ts old quote. I can assure you that T would NEVER say things like this and NEVER say things that hold this meaning. Unfortunately, I have been taking everything T says and feeling like it has a negative meaning. Notice I said feeling like, because I know and have told T this, that I am distorting what he says. Again, please know that this is not what he said nor what he meant. I apologize for sending that message. Thanks for letting me know and for your concern.
(((Sunny))))

you have the power to take contrl internaly Soli. i believe in you babe.

i wrote a lengthy, different post soli.. but i took it out because i think it was too direct and might hurt... i can send it to you if you want it, but i had no desire to cause you any more anxiety so i took it off this thread

peace to you

[Rapunzel]

Oops, I saw your other thread before seeing this one. Now I know where that picture is coming from. Your hurt and pain comes through so clearly. But I can still see hope in you. It doesn't feel like you want to give up, and I think you do know that T still cares about you.

I have to agree with what ErinBear said about how working through disruptions like this can deepen and strengthen the therapeutic relationship, and in the end help you to heal. I hope for that to happen for you.

When I was just starting therapy with my current T, I told her that I had a history of running away from therapy, and that I might just disappear, never schedule another appointment. I told her that I wanted her to find me and bring me back when I did that. Guess what she said? She explained that if I disappeared like that, she would let me go. I wanted a safety net, and she wouldn't give it to me. It is your right to quit therapy, and wouldn't be ethical for T to come chasing after you. You have all the power. You can disappear and leave him hanging and wondering about you if you want to. He will have to pack it up and move on. But if that isn't what you want to do, then I hope that you will take the power upon yourself to make another choice. It might be hard to call and make another appointment. But you don't have to explain when you call. You can act like nothing happened if you want to. The power and the choice are entirely yours.

I hope it works out for you, and I hope you can see the hope and the potential that you have, and that I can see in you.

[Fuzzybear]

[Fuzzybear]

rap, great quote in your sig!!

Thanks again, everyone Fluff, please go ahead and send what you wrote to me.

I'd like to update everyone on the current conditions. I wrote T and email and asked a friend of his to forward it to him since he banned me from emailing. I copied the post I wrote above, the one where I felt empowered. I also sent him the hippo picture with the subject line, Save the Hippo.

Now I just sit and wait. I'm now dining on a main course of powerless, massive despair, hopelessness, and devastation. There is a side dish of bitterness salted with anxiety. Somebody forgot to tighten the lid on the anxiety bottle. I'm drinking a huge cup of guilt. If you are ordering off of this menu, this is NOT a choice that I recommend. I'm having a lot of difficulty swallowing it.

I'll keep you posted. I wonder what's for dessert?

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Soliaree said:
please know that this is not what he said nor what he meant.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Oh, I feel so dumb now. But I also feel really really glad your T did not say those awful things to you, Soli.