My T dumped me

Well, I quit the group because I had a schedule conflict with the last class I needed to get my degree. I figured I needed to complete my degree, so I went to group for the last time, said my goodbyes and good wishes, gave T and group leader gifts and even made a banner for their group room. So, no didn't punch anyone!

Next session with T and she dumps me. Interestingly, she's called and left two voicemails in the last two days. One time telling me she wants me to come in one more time. And the next one telling me she thinks she blew it in one of her responses and would I please come in one more time so she could clear that up.

Is she kidding? Is she just torturing me? Or does she want me to give her the opportunity to clean up her %#@&#!? I dunno, but I know I can't do it. I can't even return her calls. Why bother? She already dumped me and I don't need the further agony. I haven't slept since then and am sick to my stomach.

And, damn it, I graduate tonight! Boy, did she pick a grand time to dump me.....

Thanks for all your support and further questions. I'm happy to answer any and all to better understand this pile of doo I'm in.
Best,
Okie

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I feel SO stupid. Why do I allow myself to get hurt like this????

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You didn't do this, she did! Of course you're hurting and you have every right to feel what you feel.

I don't know if I could, but I'd like to think I would go in for the one more visit (HER expense, of course). It might bring some closure to make it easier to for you to deal with it all, and I think if it was me, I might want to have a chance to say face to face how this affected me. Idk, I would have to weigh that against the fact that she could be asking for one more visit for herself (because she blew it and is feeling the fallout from that) and I might be tempted to withhold that last visit so she could sit in her... stuff. But if I thought it might help me some, and probably couldn't make matters worse, I think I might go.

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Congratulations on your graduation tonight! I hope you'll focus on your accomplishment and that it's your time to celebrate your achievement!

Okie you did nothing wrong. Do not go back to her it will just worsen your pain. Fight the urge if you have it.

All she will do is try and cover herself. She is right, she blew it and that is it.

Therapists need to understand that we are already in pain and we don't need them to add to it. Sure therapy is painful but the pain should come from our material and not theirs.

I went through this long 16 day break recently that I was not prepared for by T and a session cancelled that he scheduled. I learned last week he knew of the vacation three months ago. Why then did he schedule me and then cancel and not prepare me so that my abandonment button wasn't crushed????

Who knows but I spent 16 days in pain and it was all from his end. So I understand the word games. Some therapists do punish patients and it wrong, wrong, wrong.

I'm sorry this happened to you but I am confident you'll find someone better.

I can't speak for your therapist and am certainly not trying to defend her... but it's obvious that you cared for her, so it might be less painful to look at the possible flipside situation...

If she said she wanted to cut her caseload, didn't want to be on call, etc... it's possible that she was extremely overwhelmed and nearing burn out. If that is the case... then her nerves were likely fried... and like she said in her message, she blew the response to you...

If you two have been together awhile, it's an ending for her as well, and sometimes, those don't come easily... and emotions get twisted. Despite being a sad panda right now, I tend to be pretty optimistic (probably overly so) and I'd like to imagine that your therapist just was processing so many of her own emotions about being burnt out and trying to lighten her load... that she wasn't able to appreciate the consequences of her tone.

It's just me, and I know others will disagree, but I'd give her another chance... it might be the peaceful transition you need to take the responsibility off of your shoulders. Of course, she could hurt you again... but I'd say if she was a good therapist for every single day until the last one... chances are better than not that she will try to offer you a better explanation. goodluck!

I agree. Seeing her one last time is a way to get some closure. If you don't go see her again, you will be left with this unresolved and bad memories of how she told you she was terminating. If you go once more, there's the possibility of something better. No guarantees, but isn't taking the chance better than what you have now?

I think maybe it might be the best thing to do all around. However, my pdoc said today that he didn't think I should go back, that it would be all about her and could be very painful for me. He said he did not approve of the way she handled this and that I deserved better after a 5 year relationship. He said he would never do it like she did.

He is normally only a med manager, but he said he would be willing to step up and do therapy with me on a limited basis, which is really all I need.

So, I'm feeling better tonight. I like him and I trust him. I had to laugh when he told me that my therapist was sending him all kinds of patients from her group and he could certainly see and understand that I don't have a thing in common with any of them!

It is his opinion that T and group leader have lost their perspective and can't see the forest for the trees.

Thanks for all your kind support. It has sustained me over the last few days and I appreciate each and every one of you.
Love,
Okie

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okiedokie said:
Thanks, guys. No, this was a real true dumping. I quit her group, so she quit me and my being a member of her group was not even a part of the original deal.

No, no referrals, nothing.

I feel SO stupid. Why do I allow myself to get hurt like this????

Okie

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I'm disgusted by your former T's behaviour!

((((((((((((( okie )))))))))))))

I'm glad your psychiatrist was able to help out until you find a new therapist long term. That's really great.

Sorry you had to go through it all, but so glad it's working out in the end.

(((okiedokie)))

I'm so glad this Guy rose to the occasion. And his perspective explains how you were feeling ... so ... this sounds like a great match ... of understanding!

Best to you and Congratulations on graduation!

best wishes,
nightbird

I agree with your p-doc!! Glad he'll take you on for awhile that is good news.

You know I had something similar. I had this one class that I was most looking forward to in my degree. Turned out that it conflicted with DBT group so that I wouldn't be able to attend both that class and the group for the second six months of group (we were going through the skills twice over a year, so I would miss out on most of the second run through basically). In my situation... I had signed a contract that I would attend group for one year, however. I was terminated once I informed my therapist that I had chosen to attend class over group...

I wrote letters... To the lady who was running the DBT study (I was part of an initial trial). Eventually... Once they understood how much the class meant to me (and to my recovery) they agreed that I could continue on with individual therapy.

Your situation is different, of course, because you didn't sign a contract that made your individual therapy contingent on your group attendance. It might be, however, that your therapist didn't realize the nature of the conflict and how important it was to you to attend that class? That doesn't sound quite right to me, however... It is hard to know whether seeing her again would be about *you* and about her fixing up her mistake so that you can either continue on or part on reasonable terms... Or whether it would be about her. I would guess... That that would depend a bunch on her. Ending things can be painful. We do get attached in time and 5 years is a significant amount of time. What do you think? You probably know her (how much she is typically able to focus on your interests) better than your p-doc or anything else.

I had a phone conversation with her yesterday and told her how I felt about what she did, how she did it and how it felt. She agreed it was bad timing, but said she just had to "get it out."

I told her that I thought she and group co-leader had lost sight of the forest for the trees. And, they had lost their dyadic sensitivity as well. In other words, it was more about them and their guaranteeing they have the same amount of money generated by each group.

Kim, I can't believe how similar our situations were (are.) Glad you were able to stick with your T.

I'm glad to be done with the whole thing. It's actually proven to be a huge stressor removed from my plate. I have to start my Master's here shortly and I don't need that distraction. Once a month with pdoc should work out just fine.

For you therapists out there, isn't there some sort of process involved in dumping a client? I'd be curious to know what that looks like.
Best,
Okie

Okie,
Do you think she was surprised that you quit her group? Maybe she took it as a rejection and felt hurt? I'm trying to think of why she would act the way she did Okie. What she did and the way she did it, both were wrong. But if you go in to see her with this possibility in mind, maybe you won't feel so hurt? I may be way off course. I hope you start feeling better!! Take care of yourself and stay safe.

I am so sorry Okie. (((hugs)))
She terminated in a horrible, awful, damaging way.

Though I am not a "therapist" but a social worker, we do have a process of terminating a client so that it's not traumatic! It's a move made together when the client is ready. After termination there is a follow-up and then a decision to either reopen service, or completely terminate.

In your situation of your therapist cutting down hours, I think she did it very poorly. My T is in the process of retiring. She's cut her hours from a full time 5 day a week practice, to 2 days a week. She gave plenty of time to process with the clients getting them referrals and letting them decide themselves who was going and staying.

I, again, am so sorry about how your T chose to do this. It shows a lack of professionalism and training on her part by terminating so inappropriately.

I'm so sorry, okie. It makes me mad just to read what you wrote. Yep, for this T, client = cash cow. I'm glad you were able to tell her how you felt.

I do think there can be a conflict of interest with therapists who insist their clients do both individual and group with them. Maybe if the T thinks the client should do group, he should give a referral to another provider. I know most T's don't abuse this, and do gain value from seeing their clients in group, but is group for the benefit of the T or the client? My T told me about group therapy I might want to look into, but he did not suggest I join his group. I don't think I'd want to anyway.

I feel your T did something really scummy, okie. I'm sorry.

I'm glad you got your feelings out Okie.

You've been through so much. I'm really glad you were able to reach out for support.

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okiedokie said:
I had a phone conversation with her yesterday and told her how I felt about what she did, how she did it and how it felt. She agreed it was bad timing, but said she just had to "get it out."

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She had to get it out??? Perhaps she needs to remember the difference between being a therapist and receiving therapy. She is free to "get it out" with her own therapist, or her supervisor. Leaving her free to be a responsible, professional therapist with you. Which, in my opinion, would mean explaining politely that she's reducing her practice, giving you a list of at least three referral possibilities, and keeping to herself any feelings she has that would not be therapeutic to you for her to express.

Just my occasionally humble opinion.

I agree with that opinion, dinah.

gg

I agree with Rose3's response. It might be a good time to look for somebody else. Don't give up! Ever!
Whatever happened, it sounds like your T didn't handle the breaking away very well.
i wish you the best.

(((Okie))) first of all, there is no such thing as "dumping" a patient, not among real therapists. We refer them, or terminate therapy. Not that that sounds any better.)

Even if it becomes all about the therapist (as in they are triggered, afraid of, have medical issues or for any reason are unable to professionally treat the disorder, etc) they make sure it doesn't inflict damage upon the patient. Changing doctors can be tough, sure, but there are professional, ethical ways to do it.

From the APA guidelines:

10.10 Terminating Therapy
(a) Psychologists terminate therapy when it becomes reasonably clear that the client/patient no longer needs the service, is not likely to benefit, or is being harmed by continued service.

(b) Psychologists may terminate therapy when threatened or otherwise endangered by the client/patient or another person with whom the client/patient has a relationship.

[b](c) Except where precluded by the actions of clients/patients or third-party payors, prior to termination psychologists provide pretermination counseling and suggest alternative service providers as appropriate.

(((hugs))) I came onto this late... I am so very sorry.... it hurts..I know.. my previous therapist "dumped" me by e-mail.. no warning .. just "wham"...

and it hurts...

I believe that it is about her.. and her inabilities.. I know.. that isn't much of a comfort... because seeing someone for 5 years is a long time...

(((Okie)))

Actually, I dumped my T this week. After a year with her, I saw I wasn't going anywhere. She used CBT, which has never worked for me. My mind is too complicated and blown. The last thing I need is to hang out there.

I do much better with Gestalt and Psycho Drama. They are more geared to deal with my feelings. I don't want to change my feelings, I just want support to go through them until they pass and I heal.

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_Sky said:
(((Okie))) first of all, there is no such thing as "dumping" a patient, not among real therapists. We refer them, or terminate therapy. Not that that sounds any better.)

Even if it becomes all about the therapist (as in they are triggered, afraid of, have medical issues or for any reason are unable to professionally treat the disorder, etc) they make sure it doesn't inflict damage upon the patient. Changing doctors can be tough, sure, but there are professional, ethical ways to do it.

From the APA guidelines:

10.10 Terminating Therapy
(a) Psychologists terminate therapy when it becomes reasonably clear that the client/patient no longer needs the service, is not likely to benefit, or is being harmed by continued service.

(b) Psychologists may terminate therapy when threatened or otherwise endangered by the client/patient or another person with whom the client/patient has a relationship.

[b](c) Except where precluded by the actions of clients/patients or third-party payors, prior to termination psychologists provide pretermination counseling and suggest alternative service providers as appropriate.



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It's not as if everyone is ethical, in other words. We all know that. But I would hesitate to tell her that she wasn't "dumped" in the manner that she said she was. It is not a reflection of the state of the profession of clinical psychology just because a few bad eggs get through.

I personally know someone who was abandoned by his therapist. He went to his appointment one day and she wasn't there. This was one the days in the therapists second office (she divided her time between two offices). The receptionist staff and therapist never explained, even after multiple attempts he made to get another appointment. Unfortunately for him, it soured him on all therapists. He has PTSD, so trust is very difficult, and after four years with her, he never saw this coming. She never returned phone calls or emails, and neither did the office staff.

It happens. And when it does... it should be reported as a deterrent.