[chaotic13]

I've been very calm this week and at the present have no new turmoil going on in my life.

I'm thinking about my T session tomorrow and the anxiety that I still feel when I sit on the ugly couch. And I am asking myself: Why am I investing a lot of cognitive energy in trying to figure out why I am so unhappy and what makes me do some of the things I do? Does it really matter if I uncover the root of my dysfunction? Do I even have a dysfunction or is my own mind just creating one? I don't know.

I was preparing a presentation on pain (physical pain) and I came across this perspective on the treatment of physical pain. My mind started to apply it to my emotional pain.

According to Cameron, 1999, the goals in pain management are:
1. resolving the underlying pathology causing the pain, if possible,
2. modifying the patient's perception of the discomfort, and
3. maximizing function within the limitations imposed by the source of pain, whether or not the source of pain can be modified by treatment.

I think when I look at the past year I spent a lot of the time in therapy (4 months or so) trying to do number 2. I was insisting that if I had the right attitude, the right mindset my unhappiness would just go away. I would no longer perceive my life as being crappy. I was not successful in achieving significant pain reduction. Mainly because I was not just perceiving that I was in pain or being mistreated; I was in fact being mistreated and being injured. Hence the continuing aggravation of my emotional pain.

In the past several months I've tried to focus my attention on the underlying cause or pathology. For a while I thought it was my H. Which he definitely plays a part in my unhappiness, but there was clearly more to it than just him. It became clear that a lot of my turmoil was self generated. So in therapy and out of therapy I've spend a lot of cognitive energy looking at myself, back in to my past, my behavior in different relationships..... etc. And ...there is a lot of stuff there!... Just like everyone else in this world. I now know a lot more about my self and my tendencies and in someways kind of understand them a little better. But all this digging and looking has created a lot of additional anxiety. In particular, anxiety about being able to openly talk and discuss some of these events and my emerging feelings in therapy.

I guess for me figuring out how to talk about things and feel more comfortable doing it has become like my main goal in therapy lately. I get so frustrated with myself when I stutter, squirm, avoid issues, and talk in circles. And I am wondering today if this is really important? If for some reason I achieve this goal-- I am able to look my therapist in the eye and tell her all of the %#@&#! things that happened in my life, can tell her all of the things that I am incredibly guilty and ashamed of, what does this ultimately get me? Will this relieve me of my suffering? Make life more bearable? Make my H more tolerable? My sex life better? My ability to parent better? Make me a better friend, teacher, professional? I guess I am at the point of...what is all this struggle with feeling and articulating my feelings really going to get me in the end? Presently it seems like it is only perpetuating more anxiety.

In my case I think I may need to move on to third stage of pain management... maximize function within the limitations... mainly because my situation is what it is, my past is what it was. I think therapy may be just adding to my perceived suffering at this point.

Maybe it is time to just stop trying talk about it and live with it.

(((chaotic))))
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And I am asking myself: Why am I investing a lot of cognitive energy in trying to figure out why I am so unhappy and what makes me do some of the things I do? Does it really matter if I uncover the root of my dysfunction? Do I even have a dysfunction or is my own mind just creating one? I don't know.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This thought is all too familiar to me. I have OCD, the disease of doubt. I don't wash my hands or tap a doorway as my compulsion, I solve problems. When I actually figure something out, my anxiety lifts. The problem is, I'm trying to solve my inner issues which may not be solveable.

This all comes from an intolerance to feel anxiety. When I feel anxiety, it means I have a problem to solve and my mind starts spinning.

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I guess I am at the point of...what is all this struggle with feeling and articulating my feelings really going to get me in the end?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I ask myself this question daily. It has helped me gain insight but I still think that there is going to be a day when I "figure it all out" and my problem will be solved. (Yes, I know this is irrational). How frustrating it is to have an added pathology - like I don't have enough already!

I'm not saying you have OCD. What you were saying, though, just struck a chord. I hope things get better for you! If I figure it out, I'll let you know, If you figure it out first, just PM me. Take care.

[Edahn]

3:30 p.m.

[chaotic13]

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Soliaree said:
This all comes from an intolerance to feel anxiety. When I feel anxiety, it means I have a problem to solve and my mind starts spinning.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

OMG,OMG... this statement is sooooo true for me! Thanks for putting it in words.

I am sure that me asking myself these questions is just more mind spinning. My being aware of the endless mind spinning is a good thing. Right?

By the way, I re-read my post and it might appear as though I am just disgusted with life and giving up on trying to make it better. That is not where I am tonight. I'm just at a point (tonight) where I am asking myself, have I taken this therapy thing too far? Has therapy now become part of my problem? Is it time to just stop trying to talk about stuff, do the best I can in everything, and try and "love the one your with."

[chaotic13]

Edahn .....

After reading your post and saying WTF is that supposed to mean? Then I got it and started cracking up. My mind may be spinning but it doesn't mean I am very intelligent.

Next it will be Brian69 saying...if it's talk about doing your therapist or some other person... NEVER!

[skeksi]

Oh, I JUST got edahn's comment, too! I can be so slow on the uptake sometimes.

[sunrise]

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Does it really matter if I uncover the root of my dysfunction?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">In my limited experience (sample size of one!), if you uncover the root, you can achieve greater healing and function better too. If you learn to manage the symptoms of your root issues, you can achieve better functionality, but the wounds will persist. Which do you want? I hope you won't give up and settle for less than resolving the underlying causes. You deserve it all!

The three ways of managing pain--can you use all of them?

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Mainly because I was not just perceiving that I was in pain or being mistreated; I was in fact being mistreated and being injured.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I am really glad to read this from you.

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But all this digging and looking has created a lot of additional anxiety. In particular, anxiety about being able to openly talk and discuss some of these events and my emerging feelings in therapy.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Therapy is really hard work. I think you are doing great. It is hard to achieve the trust necessary to talk openly about shameful events and feelings. Is your T pressuring you to divulge more, or are you doing the pressuring?

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If for some reason I achieve this goal-- I am able to look my therapist in the eye and tell her all of the %#@&#! things that happened in my life, can tell her all of the things that I am incredibly guilty and ashamed of, what does this ultimately get me?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">The chance to heal. If you couple the telling with some EMDR, it could speed you along the way. It doesn't work for everyone, but it can be a powerful adjunct to talk therapy.

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Will this relieve me of my suffering?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Perhaps somewhat, but you also need to take concrete steps in your life, not just in therapy. But talking about it can be the first step and help you figure out what you want, decide what steps to take, and motivate you.

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Make life more bearable? Make my H more tolerable? My sex life better? My ability to parent better? Make me a better friend, teacher, professional?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Maybe (it might not make your current life more bearable but help motivate you to change your life to make it more bearable). Not sure. Hmmm. Probably. Probably.

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what is all this struggle with feeling and articulating my feelings really going to get me in the end?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">The chance to heal? Better relationships with the people in your life? Increased ability to connect with others?

I think therapy takes a lot of courage, chaotic. You've been very brave so far. If you turn your back on it now, won't you always wonder what could have been?

[SingleGirl]

I can relate so much to your comparison of physical pain to emotional pain. Mine have coexisted for a long, long time.

First, as a result of pretty severe physical abuse (broken bones, blood, etc) coupled w/severe emotional abuse (verbal, manipulation, isolating me from everyone, etc). Then, with the emotional continuing, I began to experience symptoms of an autoimmune disease by my mid-teens.

I have all the same questions you have... about both kinds of my pain. There are some physicians who don't believe in lupus and they are verbal about it. There are therapists who don't believe in it.

I had a therapist (20 years of experience) tell me that support groups for lupus were a waste of my time b/c of course those people were having problems, everyone who was successful wasn't wasting their time in support groups. She told me that I was making my lupus worse by being around those people. (keep in mind she is primarily an SA counselor and she demands all of her SA clients attend groups... so whatever that double standard is all about, I don't know)

Anyway, I don't have any answers to your questions, I just wanted to write to say that I have a lot of the same feelings every single day. In my heart, I know all of my pain is real and with legitimate cause and I'm not so much searching for the root of it... as searching for a way to respond to it that doesn't leave me in more pain. It's sad though, b/c some people in society make me feel like I just need to suck it up and get on with it... and then, I start to feel that way myself... looking @ the victims of the China earthquakes, the recent flooding here, or just the daily lives of people struggling in 3rd world countries.

So, yeah, I guess thanks for just letting me process my crud in your thread... and thanks for putting it down in words that I'd have trouble stringing together. Hope you are well.

[chaotic13]

Thank you Sunrise. I needed to get pumped up before my session today. A lot of little things have happened this past two weeks. I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. Which is good but the minute that happens I start thinking forget this therapy crap. Using my physical injury analogy again, I'm the athlete who starts to feel better, say screw doing all these stupid rehab exercises, I'm ready to play! Then is back the next week saying, "Ouch".

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Is your T pressuring you to divulge more, or are you doing the pressuring?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> No, its me. I am the one creating the pressure. My T has only really pushed me twice. One of which left me dry heaving in the parking lot, but I survived.

A chance to heal, better connections with people, better relationships these would be nice. I shouldn't forget these.

[nightbird]

Chaotic, you could take a break from therapy for awhile to process what you have received. Just a suggestion.

Single Girl, sorry about your lupus. There are believers. Hope you find better than adequate care for your health.

peace,
nightbird

[chaotic13]

Single Girl,

Getting proper care for Lupus is incredibly challenging. I do not personally suffer from this disease, but a close friend of mine does. The challenges she faced getting her physicians to properly investigate and finally diagnosis it were incredible. Luckily she was very knowledgeable in reviewing the medical literature herself and kept pushing and asking questions until finally they took her seriously. I can only imagine how tough it is to deal with resistance on top of the abuse you suffered as well.

Do you currently have a better therapist or are you one your own now? Did YOU find the Lupus support group helpful? I can see where meeting and swapping stories of misery with other suffers might be detrimental. But when faced with a chronic condition that the general public really doesn't understand I can see where connecting with others in the same situation would be beneficial too. Especially with the sharing of coping skills and treatment information. Kind of like PC

Thank you for reaching out and offering your support.

Nightbird a break might be an option. When I do stop therapy I plan on doing it the right way so I can return if I want at a later date without GUILT.

Although I have been keeping my mind busy on other things this morning and have been very productive, I can already start to feel my anxiety about therapy starting. The stupid thing is when I breath and ask myself why, nothing surfaces. My therapist if very compassionate, non-judgmental, lets me talk about anything, even avoid topics if I want to. There is no pressure on me from her. I should be relaxed and excited to have someone give me their undivided attention. But instead I get anxious. It just doesn't make sense. I think I just can't handle being the center of attention. Maybe that is something I will never overcome.

Thanks again for everyone's replys

[SeptemberMorn]

Pure and simple; it's like taking out an old trunk that's been stashed away in the dark. It's contents have become musty and nastier than before. You need to open it up, save what is still salvageable and throw out the nasty stuff that is corrupting the salvageable. You might even find a treasure or two in that old trunk.

[chaotic13]

Just wanted to say my session today when really well. Nightbird I did choose toI back off a bit and allow an extra week of processing between sessions (3 weeks now).

Thank you everyone for you support. SeptemberMorn... thanks for the quote.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Chaotic,

Over the course of the past year and a half I have questioned my therapy, the whole process, and whether it is worth the pain it seems to cause. It is a big dilemma when that happens because I feel so conflicted. Upon reflection and a lot of soul searching, I came to know that the pain that I experience in therapy is old pain, and without experiencing that old pain I don't find it or recognize it, and without knowing it, I cannot put it behind me. I can't put something behind me unless I know it is there in the first place.

So, I do think we have to keep trudging along, meeting our demons and either befriending them or slaying them. It is a path to a truer sense of self. It's actually sort of like one of your steps in the treatment of pain perspective.

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within the limitations imposed by the source of pain

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You have to know the source before you can know the limitations to the treatment.

I asked T recently what was the point of all of this because I have had quite a few lousy sessions where I'm just blubbering like a baby, and I was getting sick of it too. He said it has to lead to freedom.

So.....I hope I haven't confused you even further. I tend to do that to myself often.

Peace