Missing T

I'm 5 days into T's vacation, and it's 7 days until I see him again. I feel like I'm kind of in the pit. I'm so used to knowing he's "there" and having him gone feels really bad.

Before he left, we really focused on feeling the connection between us....but as time goes by, I just can't quite feel it in the same way. I keep remembering him reaching out and holding my hand during our last session - and while that does feel good, it just feels far away.

I've been journaling about how I feel and what's going on. He told me to try to hold on to the sadness that I felt when he was leaving - I think because that sadness meant that I felt attached to him, and connected. And probably because I don't "do" sadness, and I'm sure being able to feel that and stay with it is forward movement for me. I guess I do still feel sad, but it's a different kind of sad. Just kind of a lonely sad.

He left me a message on my phone, and I've listened to it, but I miss HIM. I called his voice mail today, thinking I could listen to his usual message (this is one of his suggestions for me when feel disconnected) and instead of the usual message, there was a different message about him being gone from 6/12 - 6/23 with the numbers of back up therapists to call in case of emergency. Blah.

Huh - I just looked at the time typing this post and noticed it's 1pm. I see him twice a week - 1pm on Monday is one of my times. Maybe that's why I'm feeling it so much right now.

I know, I know, I'm being a big baby. Still, this feels really bad.

((((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))))))
I don't think that you are being a big baby, it's really hard when our Ts are away. I am sorry that you are feeling bad.

I don't think you're a baby either. I've been holding my breath through the last several sessions, just waiting for my T to drop his vacation bomb. I have to visit far away family for 2 weeks and I just HOPE my plans coincide with his plans. I wanted to, but refrained from asking him his plans so I could schedule around them! The time I will be away will be hard enough. Watch, his vacation will start when mine ends...
Anyway, hang in there. 5 days down is better than where you started!

Not a big baby (not even a little one.) That you have this connection means you have a good therapeutic relationship and will heal faster. Allow the feelings, and the connection.

I always use the time as a break and a chance to get some things done that I don't have time or energy for when I'm in therapy. (I see my pain therapist 3x a week, and my physical therapist also 3x a week... whew!)

Foreverlost, why not just ask when the vacation is scheduled? I always seem to know, on my own.. hehehe and tell him... and then ask how close I am to the actual? Usually he had JUST that previous hour decided.

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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Thanks, Sky. I know I should just ask, but then he'll know I care....I'm still so guarded, and after 15 months (poor t)!

Thanks for the quick replies.

I kind of feel like I'm losing it. Maybe anxiety? I just feel lost and irritated and antsy and like I'm searching, searching, searching and not finding what I need. This is a time I would usually call T, we would talk, and there would be a chance that I'd figure out what my deal was and start to feel better. Or at least feel heard.

I don't want to have a hard time while he's gone. I don't have really bad times THAT often and the timing of this sucks. I don't know what to do to feel better.

My main strategy is distraction, but I often don't have the energy for that. I wish I had some better ideas. What about pretending you're in a session, acting out both parts and remembering some of T's thoughtful replies and actions? What do I know? I sure hope you start to feel better soon, though.

(((((Earthmama)))))),
My T is now on vacation so I know how you feel (felt). It sucks. It's against the rules for Ts to take vacations but they seem to keep breaking that rule. I guess it's time for us to set a boundary and make sure they follow this one? LOL Take care!

hey - your t was just gone! not fair! mind, mine will also be gone like every other 2 weeks this summer *cries*.

sorry you're hurting!!!

I just called his voice mail and instead of giving the numbers of his back up therapists like it did earlier today, there is a voice saying "This number is not active". WTF?!?! I know I'm being totally irrational, but it's like T has disappeared, and like my worst fears are coming true and he's not coming back.

I won't e-mail him on vacation, so I have to sit with this until next Monday. And what if he's not there next Monday? what if something happened?

Listening to his voice mail was like a little life boat to me or something. I feel totally lost now. And scared, and alone, and....

I'm so, so, so, so in a really bad spot today anyhow (as you probably know from my other post) and this is about to push me over the edge. I feel like I'm just going to lose it.

And I hate that I have two posts going on here at once. I don't know the last time I felt this bad, and desperate.

Ugh. There is absolutely nothing worse than T's vacation.

(((((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))

You are not a baby....you are T's baby

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earthmama said:
I'm 5 days into T's vacation, and it's 7 days until I see him again. I feel like I'm kind of in the pit. I'm so used to knowing he's "there" and having him gone feels really bad.

Before he left, we really focused on feeling the connection between us....but as time goes by, I just can't quite feel it in the same way. I keep remembering him reaching out and holding my hand during our last session - and while that does feel good, it just feels far away.

I've been journaling about how I feel and what's going on. He told me to try to hold on to the sadness that I felt when he was leaving - I think because that sadness meant that I felt attached to him, and connected. And probably because I don't "do" sadness, and I'm sure being able to feel that and stay with it is forward movement for me. I guess I do still feel sad, but it's a different kind of sad. Just kind of a lonely sad.

He left me a message on my phone, and I've listened to it, but I miss HIM. I called his voice mail today, thinking I could listen to his usual message (this is one of his suggestions for me when feel disconnected) and instead of the usual message, there was a different message about him being gone from 6/12 - 6/23 with the numbers of back up therapists to call in case of emergency. Blah.

Huh - I just looked at the time typing this post and noticed it's 1pm. I see him twice a week - 1pm on Monday is one of my times. Maybe that's why I'm feeling it so much right now.

I know, I know, I'm being a big baby. Still, this feels really bad.



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If my therapist reached out and held my hand, I think I'd probably freak out!

But really, I think you'll be fine earthmama. He's not missing; he's just on vacation and then he'll be back before you know it.

You should keep yourself really busy by doing housework, art, drawing, anything where there is physical activity to distract yourself from disturbing thoughts. It works.