Today's Session

Ugh, I think I just need support/hugs/something.

I went to my first session after our big break today. I was excited to go, and relieved to be seeing him. But in session, I could feel something between us. It wasn't him, it was totally me. I felt like I had put the armor back on that I had on before I started therapy - that we've worked so hard to remove - and I couldn't find a way to let him in. My rational self wanted to connect so, so badly, but there I sat, closed off.

I know it all ties into a bad experience I had with the only other "counselor" I've seen, back in my teens, which resulted in SA and then abandonment. That relationship is always in the back of my mind - and I think on some emotional level, I feel like I was abandoned last week - and it's clear that it could happen ANY time, I have no power, no control over it. He could just close his practice, or move, or refer me, and there would be nothing I could do. And feeling that, I just don't know if I can let myself get back to the vulnerable place I was at just before he left.

I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I just feel bad, and scared, and annoyed and angry.

I e-mailed him after session and asked for a response and he didn't respond - it was late in the day, and I KNOW he doesn't check his e-mail often, so I kind of understand. But I also left him a phone message saying I e-mailed him, and could he please respond. He ALWAYS responds when I ask, but he hasn't. So tonight I left him a REALLY angry message, and I have NEVER done anything like that before. I told him to just delete the e-mail and not read it. I swore, and raised my voice. I just don't DO that. I don't even get angry, generally. My next appointment is on Friday and I hate that I have to sit with this all week.

Therapy sucks.

((((( earthmama ))))

The first session after a break can be hard. Hard to feel the connection, hard to have the connection feel the way we've been remembering it too. Sometimes, too, I think there is a kind of delayed reaction to the break itself, like it's safe to feel angry about it cuz they're back now and our anger can't keep them from coming back.

I hope he calls you soon so you can feel better.

(((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))))
I am sorry that you are feeling bad. I agree that the first session after a break can be very difficult, it usually takes me a few sessions to get back in the swing of things. I hope that he gets back to you soon.

(((earthmama)))

((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((hugs!!)))))))))))))))))))))))

wish you weren't hurting!!! I think this confirms for me that I am skipping town in August when t will be gone every other week.

Wishing your mind some rest and that t calls.

hi,rdoc
your blaming him for how you feel.
therapist have as much as 8 people a day some time more they brake down too.
but i think you wanting to save without working the mental health help,i am so scare sometime when i go to therapy because i only seen this one twice, she real good because i had bad,but she,s not going to save me i am out here in the world trenches ducking and hideing from me(smile you got to laugh at ourselfs) and some body trying to say it ok to feel that way. we think they in love with us becasue we so lonely, and depending.be careful about personal relation with therapist. male or female, they are also human beings.
think about things one day at a time.
peace and blessing
rdoc

I think this is somewhat normal... it's back to a trust issue, and no one can blame you. Take it slowly, don't beat yourself up over it. Glad you shared with T in email how you wanted it to be/wanted to feel etc.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( everyone! )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for the kind words.

I e-mailed him last night and apologized for my phone message, and asked for a reply. He hasn't replied.

He tells me CONSTANTLY that it's okay to be angry at him, so even though I feel like I'm being punished for being "bad", I'm trying to believe that's not the case.

I know he's probably busy getting caught up from his extended break. But before the break, he was so "there" for me. I feel abandoned, and like maybe the rules have changed and I wasn't informed.

I really hope he e-mails me back. If he doesn't I'm canceling my Friday appointment - and maybe every appointment after that. I want to heal, not be hurt more.

Blah.

I understand how hurt you feel because he hasn't replied. However, it sounds like you're setting up an ultimatum without letting him in on it--he doesn't know he needs to reply by Friday. Perhaps the most difficult, and most helpful, thing you could do is go Friday regardless of whether you have heard from him so you can work this out in person.

I do hope you hear from him sooner, though, even just a brief message.

He called.

We talked on the phone, and I know that he is concerned about me. He said all of the right things.

Before we hung up, he gave me some things to work on until Friday - like thinking about the benefits and risks of connecting vs. not connecting. I really WILL think about that, because I'm so torn in some ways. And he wants me to think of ways I can feel more empowered in my relationship with him.

Talking to him brought up a lot of feelings that were under the anger and fear I was feeling. I'm so bad at feelings - but I'm trying to just notice them and sit with them.

He made sure I would be okay until Friday - I think I will.

That is such great news that he called, earthmama. And that you are connected once again.

I think his homework for you was interesting. I had good success once doing a "pros and cons" assignment on another topic.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And he wants me to think of ways I can feel more empowered in my relationship with him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is a really intriguing question. Do you have any ideas? I am going to ponder that for myself.

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sunrise said:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And he wants me to think of ways I can feel more empowered in my relationship with him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is a really intriguing question. Do you have any ideas? I am going to ponder that for myself.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm not sure. This is a tough one for me.

I did think of some things that I need right now that would help feel like he is really "there". And I called and asked him for them. That made me feel a little empowered - asking for what I need, and getting it.

I'm sure it will be an ongoing process. I'm not used to feeling empowered in general, so it's new territory for me.

How about you, sunrise? Any ideas?

I wonder if it would help if you could in some way articulate when you feel distant or armored. Sometimes I can barely speak, but it helps when I manage to tell T, "You feel far away." It's so hard to do, but maybe it could help you feel connected?

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EM said:
I'm not used to feeling empowered in general, so it's new territory for me.

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At there situations or aspects in your life where you feel empowered and don't have trouble asking for what you want or need? For example work, or when dealing with kids. I have a great deal of trouble asking for personal things that I want or need. However, when it comes to my career or my children I am much more assertive and have little problems asking for things. Maybe you could think about situations where you feel more empowered and try to expand this feeling into other areas of your life.