a noticing

A quote from Sunrise's threat; " but that is what happens in real life too. We inadvertantly step on people's boundaries, they let us know, we take a step back, and do better next time, and the relationship grows. "

My response - we do??? And noticing that I don't often tell ppl IRL any of my boundaries - i just hold it all within. Even last night, with my friend at 4th of July. She wanted to see a certain kind of firework that spirals up into the air (but called it something else relating to the male anatomy) and kept doing so. I never told her it upset me. I just tried to brush it away. Not having boundaries makes me "easy going and worldly" (according to friends).... but it keeps me triggering internally and switching. Another good topic for t. At this rate, I'll *never* be out of therapy, we're already behind on topics!!

Hey Kiya.

What do you feel are the reasons why you wouldn't tell someone that something bothers you?

I think this is a very good topic to discuss with your T. And remember-- therapy cannot adhere to a set schedule of topics... Things are going to continue to unfold.. sometimes it won't even make sense and that's okay, too. It took me a long time to realize that therapy wasn't something that always has to be logical, rational, or even coherent!

I know that I have trouble telling certain people what bothers me. It depends who the person is, and what I feel the result is going to be (which is normally not rational, but instead, based on my anxieties).

"What do you feel are the reasons why you wouldn't tell someone that something bothers you?"

Hmmm.... that it would make me a burden...someone un-fun to be around.... someone with "issues".... someone to tiptoe around.... a worry wart....
and when ppl know what upsets one, often they'll use it as a means to "playfully" torture. Hate that. My friend's boyfriend was doing that to her last night with her fear of space aliens... wouldn't shut up about how space aliens will get her - to the point where she was nearly hyperventlating. really rude. =(

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Kiya said:
My response - we do???

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Ha, I can so relate to that! Believe me, I can't tell people my boundaries either. T tells me I have the most porous boundaries (i.e. non-existent) that he has seen. But I am in therapy, I am dysfunctional, and T is helping me. It's why I stayed in my crap marriage so long. But I was really talking about it from the other point of view--what happens when we step on someone else's boundaries? For some reason, I am ultra-respectful of other people's boundaries, but have none myself. But I'm in therapy, so I know I'm not good at life. I'm trying... Talk to your T if this is something you want to work on, Kiya.

Heh - i like it "But I'm in therapy, so I know I'm not good at life. I'm trying..." Yep - same. And t flat out told me that she's not going to ever let go of the ultimate goal of my health and all she thinks should go with it; freedom from my mom and my past, my own place, a possible intimite relationship with someone i love (you stayed in your marriage - i refused to go near one), etc...etc... SO i can count on working on it.
But yes, the boundary thing is something i should probably bring up sooner rather than later. I, too, am over-respectful of other's boundaries... and then have none. In time... in time...

Kiya, I found it interesting that in the first sentence of your original post you actually wrote, "a quote from Sunrise's THREAT, rather than thread." Now forgive me if I get too Freudian, but I always find those slips interesting... if we don't have the proper boundaries we can definitely feel threatened... just as we can feel threatened by wanting those boundaries, but not being able to put them into place because of our fears.

Huh!! I did! *embarrassed grin* that is interesting - thanks for pointing it out. Yeah, i do often feel threatened when i have to decide on boundaries. Especially with this one with my getting out of here - very threatened and more likely to support what my mom wants that what i want and feel that I don't deserve anything myself - like help from my team. Wow. Kiya