[Mouse_]

so I emailed T yesterday, told her I felt better after mondays session, felt she had heard me even though I didn't know at first what I was wanting heard, said I felt like I'd been picked up and fed and T replied shes glad and some other stuff and perhaps I could look at emailing with her as a way of being cared about?

Dam that word CARE! Hate it! hate she said, why she say it? I dont' want to play the nicey nicey game, its a con, I emailed her today saying I can't do this email thingy with her and I'd prefer it if she told me to %#@&#! off and I am putting my walls back up and she isn't going to get into my head and I want her back in her corner and me back in mine! I don't want people to do that nicey thing with me, I want someone to shout at me, hit me! WHY????????? I dont trust people that can just be nice, its not safe!

(((((((((((((((((((((( mouse )))))))))))))))))))))))

It's so hard to let ourselves be cared for. I told T I hate when he's "fakey" (your "nicey" reminds me of that)....but I'm starting to believe that it's not fake, it's real.

For me, being cared for doesn't feel safe - I'm afraid if I let my guard down and let him in, I'm exposing my soft underbelly and in the end, I'll be hurt even worse. It's a risk - a big one.

BUT! When I am able to let him in, it turns out it IS safe, and it feels good. Then I'm scared and shut him out, then I'll let him in again a little bit - back and forth, push and pull. It's just part of the process for me.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad and not safe. It's a scary way to feel. But I'm glad you told your T how you're feeling about the whole thing. She seems really good, and she will help you work through this.

You're worth the caring. Be gentle with yourself. Breathe, and know this feels bad, but it's part of the healing.

[Mouse_]

T emailed back and said I see everything that is caring or nice as manipulation or a trick and though thats a famaliar place for me to be, its also a lonely place. Dam, crap, I didnt' realise that was what I was doing, pushing people away so that I can be alone. I emailed back, but., but I don't want to be lonely and T replied, No but you forget that when you are overwhelmed with not being able to trust. I repeat this pattern so many times, and so many times people have taken me at my word, but no one pointed out to me what the end result is, I know it seems pretty simple, but I didnt see that....

[Perna]

I have that sort of trouble with people asking questions (which
T's do a lot of also). My stepmother use to ask rhetorical, double-blind questions like, "why do you do that?" implying whatever it was was wrong and bad so I never knew why I did them (since I unconsciously fought being wrong or bad). I still often hear questions as a manipulation or trick, the asker looking for information to use against me instead of wanting to get to know me better because they like me and find me interesting.

[skeksi]

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said I see everything that is caring or nice as manipulation or a trick and though thats a famaliar place for me to be, its also a lonely place.

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I do this too, Mouse. And it's so frustrating for me to hear T say this, because from my perspective, constant suspicion and doubt is warranted! But that's because I constantly expect to be abused, misused, etc.

So I feel ya on this. I try to have faith that by doubting and doubt and testing and testing my T, I am learning that some people can be trusted. I think it's working. Slowly. Verrrrry slowly. The more you notice when you do this, the more able to you will be to catch it when it happens and, eventually, maybe even question your perceptions.

[chaotic13]

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I don't want people to do that nicey thing with me,

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For some reason I can relate to this statement. I called my T a "complete stranger" a few months ago. She challenged this statement and a part of me didn't like hearing her say we were a lot closer than strangers.