Oh my god, I've screwed everything up big time.

I gave up drinking about 3 years ago (but had a "slip" 8 months ago that was the final push to get me into therapy). I gave up my eating disorder almost a month ago - it would have been a month tomorrow.

Therapy Monday stirred up all of these old, painful feelings. Really bad stuff. I haven't been able to contain them, but I've tried really, really hard. I had no eating d/o, no drinking, NOTHING to do but feel them. T has been really helpful, but also quite busy, and I couldn't get in for an extra appointment.

So, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday go by and today I can't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand it. So, I ate a small chocolate bar (like a hershey's miniature) which turned into three which turned into a bunch of doritoes. Then I was afraid I was going to purge, so I poured myself a glass of wine. And now I've %#@&#! everything up. I've had the wine. I've had the food. How can I see T tomorrow? How can I go back to AA?

I'm home alone in my messy house with my three kids, who are all occupied. I don't know what to do. I just want to put an end to all of the misery, but how can I - I know I can't, because of my sons. I feel lost and trapped and scared and stupid and just BAD.

[skeksi]

(((earthmama)))

It's going to be hard, but you can go back to T and you can go back to AA. You just get back on the horse. You can choose not to let it get worse.

When is the soonest you can get to a meeting? I think that might be the biggest help. Make contact with someone real time. This doesn't have to spiral any further out of control.

I'm sorry it's so hard right now.

[(JD)]

Begin again. That's what you do. And each time you begin again, you will go for a longer period of time. Hey, no one's perfect. This is the struggle of life. But the good thing is, we each get a clean slate as soon as we want one!

[ECHOES]

(( earthmama )) You're practicing and gaining awareness. That is progress

I attemtped to quit smoking many many times. One time I was feeling bad that I had started again and was telling my neighbor. It turned out he is a former smoker and he just smiled and told me You're practicing and one of these times will be the time; practice is good. He was right.

So be good to yourself. Awarness of what we don't want in our lives is just as important of awareness of what we do want. Sometimes these practicing times help us understand better the depth and intensity of our feelings about what we do/don't want in our lives.

[Kiya]

(((earthmama)))) i agree with everyone of these posts.
Falling is just that - falling. And you get up. We all fall at somepoint. And we get up. You are ok - you are ok- you are ok. You are a good person.
We are all here supporting you!!!
!!
kiya

oh my god.

T just called and left a message on my cell phone. He was SO supportive, told me how hard I'm working, what a great job I'm doing, that he knows things are hard right now, that he's looking forward to seeing me tomorrow.

and I'm sitting here binging and drinking and thinking about purging.

it's so dark. i'm so scared. what am I doing?

[missboots]

Earthmama, I have 2 kids and when I fail I look at them and they are what makes me start over. Tomorow is a new day! I also struggle with a eating disorder. It is a daily battle because you need to eat. It isn't like we can just give up food 100% With kids there comes junk food or kid friendly food that we have in our houses and some times we loose control or as I like to say I made a bad choice sounds better.

[Kiya]

Ok honey - now put down that stuff that hurts you. Go give your kids a hug... then your self a hug....
start again. you can do it.
kiya

(((((Earth)))))))
My T always tells me to expect that at some time or another that I will regress. Knowing this makes it easier when I do. Forgive yourself for not being perfect and move forward. We can't change the past, only the present and future. I know, though, that this is easier said than done. But YOU can do this! Take care

[sunrise]

earthmama, you are doing a great job. Start again on your path. Your T is not going to hate you for this momentary setback. He will stand by you. Forgive yourself. You're human. Just think how far you've come.

[Simcha]

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earthmama said:

Oh my god, I've screwed everything up big time.

I gave up drinking about 3 years ago (but had a "slip" 8 months ago that was the final push to get me into therapy). I gave up my eating disorder almost a month ago - it would have been a month tomorrow.

Therapy Monday stirred up all of these old, painful feelings. Really bad stuff. I haven't been able to contain them, but I've tried really, really hard. I had no eating d/o, no drinking, NOTHING to do but feel them. T has been really helpful, but also quite busy, and I couldn't get in for an extra appointment.

So, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday go by and today I can't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand it. So, I ate a small chocolate bar (like a hershey's miniature) which turned into three which turned into a bunch of doritoes. Then I was afraid I was going to purge, so I poured myself a glass of wine. And now I've %#@&#! everything up. I've had the wine. I've had the food. How can I see T tomorrow? How can I go back to AA?

I'm home alone in my messy house with my three kids, who are all occupied. I don't know what to do. I just want to put an end to all of the misery, but how can I - I know I can't, because of my sons. I feel lost and trapped and scared and stupid and just BAD.

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Hi earthmama!!!!! Good to see you here again.If it makes you feel any better, it's 4am, I haven't slept in two days (although about to shove off) and really need to brush my teeth Icky.

Unless you live in a museum, it's quite common for a mother with three kids to have a messy house you know. Stop hating yourself because dang it, you are a really insightful, intelligent person (and I don't even know you in real life!). Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake or two. That's the way life goes for all people. I have yet to meet a perfect person (some are just better at hiding that than others).

Here is something to consider for perspective: When we have good self esteem, a failure to reach a personal/professional goal is seen as a setback, nothing more. Good self esteem sees the problem for what it is, which is simply something that is correctable and can be solved. We recognize that we are only human and make mistakes from time to time.

If we have poor self esteem, when we fail to meet our own lofty, unrealistic goals (ppl. w/ poor self esteem always create absolutes for themselves), we instead internalize those feelings of failure and decide that we are going to own them as our very own. The poor self esteem mindset takes hold, which causes the cycle we call "setting ourselves up for failure." That means that because our goals are so lofty and thus, impossible to meet every single time, the person with poor self esteem will inevitably "fail." This causes a cycle that is very difficult to stop.

Next time----- call your sponsor BEFORE you pour the glass of wine. I guarantee that you won't hate yourself afterwards. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are going to be an EXCELLENT sponsor for someone some day.
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[marcelodlanod]

''I feel lost and trapped and scared and stupid and just BAD''. Reading this just made me cry. Im one step to the edge too.. dont know what to do, ...try to get a whole of myself... but 'falling off the horse' its such a BIG KICK in the head, breaking a commitment and dissapointing yourself like this is..... AAAUGHH!!!! all the fury, guilt, panic comes and drives you away... and you cant stop... and you cant die... and....
oh dude, im so f#ck&d.
But earthmama, you do it, GO AND DO IT!! For all of us that cant, get BETTER and be HAPPY!!!

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

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I'm home alone in my messy house with my three kids, who are all occupied

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The heck with the house. Be glad the boys are occupied...you are most important right now.

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How can I see T tomorrow? How can I go back to AA?

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Put one foot in front of the other and trudge trudge trudge.

It is so difficult to deal with addictions. They cover up the raw feelings that we hold inside. The shame we experience when we slip up on goals is old shame. You are so brave. Just keep going, and talking.

Be good to yourself.