Group therapy issue - maybe triggering

I have a dilemma. I am doing group therapy and DBT. DBT is on Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours each. We have a break about an hour after the group starts. This group is lead by a therapist.

On Tuesday during the break one of the group members said to me that "I should get off my A@# and do something with my life." I responded to her that I had already reached my goals. Unbenost to her, I have an advance degree. I turned away and started talking to another member. Before I knew it, the woman had picked up the running fan and shoved it in my face. The fan was about 6 inches from my face when she withdrew it and shoved it back in my face.

I was shocked and didn't say anything to the group leader. I ended up talking about the incident in my group therapy on Wednesday morning. That group leader wanted to know who it was...so I told her (not in front of anyone else).

So today, the woman said to me "can I talk to you?" I said no. So during DBT she looks at me and says "I apologize for hurting your feelings." I looked at her and said "you didn't only hurt my feelings but you aggressively shoved a fan in my face." She asked for my acceptance of her apology and I wouldn't do it.

I don't know what to do. I'm so angry that my boundaries were violated. I honestly do not want to accept her apology. Am I wrong?

emilyj, I don't know what's right for you in this situation. It sounds like this group member is very hostile. If it were me, I would not feel safe with her around me after the fan incident and her "get off your A$%" statement. Her statement "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings" shows she just doesn't get it at all and therefore is still dangerous. I would not attend any groups of which she is a member.

I'm sorry I don't understand your therapy structure. You are in two different things: DBT and group therapy? But the DBT is also as part of a group? And the hostile person is in your DBT group but not your Wednesday group? A question I would have is it sounds like your Wednesday group therapist somehow communicated with the hostile person and told her to apologize to you. This is a breach of confidentiality. That therapist should not have told the other member what you said to her. How does the therapist even know this hostile member? Because hostile member is in your DBT group, not your Wednesday group, right? This would make me not want to go to DBT group because of the hostile member and also not go to Wednesday group because of the therapist who cannot be trusted.

For these reasons, I would probably drop out of both groups.

Sorry, it's probably not what you wanted to hear. I tend to be intolerant of people and things like that, or maybe it's just my stage in life right now, when I am sick of taking c**p from people after doing it for many years. But also keep in mind that I have never been to group therapy so I may not understand how it is supposed to work. However, there are other groups in the world. Why stick with an unsafe one?

Emily, I agree with sunrise. I wouldnt feel safe in the DBT group and I would talk to group T about talking to the dangerous member. It sounds like T was trying to be helpful and it is all how you accept that like sunrise said It wouldnt be tolerated if it were her.

um... yikes!!! I would have probably not ever gone back. Actually, I probably would have started a cat fight with her right there and then if a fan had come at my face, so kudos to you for dealing with it as well as you did!

> I honestly do not want to accept her apology. Am I wrong?

I would try to wait until I could maybe accept the apology. At least, try to think it through and see if you think she is trying to be sincere and if you could accept her offer.

It is up to your group therapist to deal with the angry fan thrower. You do not need to feel pressured to "forgive" her.

I would explain in no uncertain terms to the DBT group leader that you no longer feel safe and what does he/she plan to do about it.

They also have a consultation team to which they must report each week, so if you can't get the group leader to act, then report directly to their consultation team.
Best,
Okie

The program I am in has daily staff meetings (sorta like rounds). So it is not uncommon for group leaders to share information. I talked about the incident again today. The group leader tried to get me to set boundaries with her by saying "I need you to leave me alone" next time I see her. I'm angry that her action has not been considered a rule violation. I'm sure if I put a fan in a staff's face I would be kicked out of the program.

The other thing is that the staff wants me to consider why I have been triggered by this act. In which I argued that a person doesn't need to be triggered to be offended and angry by an aggressive act.

Anyway, I will see how I feel on Monday.

Thanks for everyone's input.

this person did more than just misbehave, she was abusive and physically assaulted you.
i have never done group stuff but doesn't the group have rules and wouldn't this be grounds for her being thrown out of the group?????
i don't know anything about US law and other things but if you don't feel safe around her, couldn't you can take out a restraining order, then she won't be allowed to attend.

it is not good enough how the therapists are treating this. it isn't just you being overly upset about a minor thing, it is physical assault which you could lay charges for.

emilyjeanne, is this group going to help you now that there is someone in it who is hostile to you? If the answer is no, why not drop it? Why participate in a group that is not therapeutic? I don't think you were triggered by this at all--it's kind of insulting to say that. The fan-woman was the one who was triggered by you or whatever. She was so triggered she thrust a fan in your face. Is the therapist making fan-lady explore what triggered her? Somehow, T telling you that you were triggered makes it sound like you are reacting inappropriately to the incident, as if any other person without a trigger would not have been bothered by this. I think she is way wrong.

I agree with you Sunrise. I will have to weigh my options. I don't want to make any impulsive decisions. This program has been really helpful to me. Plus I think that I made a big enough stink today that the staff is re-evaluating the decision.

> why I have been triggered by this act

Eh? Maybe there is something I don't know about what happened, but having a (running?) fan shoved in my face would not be easy for me to take with equanimity...