[Angel_of_the_Past]

I have a horrible time trusting anyone, period! I am unable to allow anyone to get close to me. My T says I have a large fortress and mote around me at all times which interferes with my progress. (In case you don't know I have PTSD, depression and anxiety).

I've been with the same T for 6 years, she is very kind and understanding and respects my boundaries. If I feel even the slightest bit of closeness starting my anxiety goes through the roof. Then I want to run far away and distance myself from her. I know all this is counter productive. But I can't help it.

I feel like I am fighting a war "24X7". I feel like I'm constantly on guard. My family laughs at me because I'm so jumpy.

Will this ever pass; or am I going to be like this for the rest of my life?

[emilyjeanne]

Angel,

With good therapy your symptoms can improve.

I too have trust issues. But I have learned that my T is safe. I usually test her boundaries. I was with my old T for 8 years. I had major trouble with trust. I then had to switch Pdocs and when I met my new Pdoc I knew right away I wanted to do therapy with her. I have been with her a year and have done more work than I did in 8 years with my old T.

Maybe you should consider making a change.

This wont last for life Angel if you are prepared to take some risks (risks other than what you are used to i mean) Sometimes we have to change the way that we think in order to move on ... this is exremely difficult with PTSD, ANXIETY and depression ....

The only way to make this happen has to come from within you ... you gently have to start to trust your T a little at a time ... you have been badly hurt in the past and let down, not everyone will let you down hon ..... i hear you, i understand, you're so not alone in this. Just baby steps .... good luck, take care and have faith in yourself .... that courage is inside of you ....

love, Kerry xoxoxoxoxo

[Angel_of_the_Past]

I'm so terrible with relationships right now I don't think I have the energy to start over with another T. I think my current T is qualified, it's just me and all my craziness.

(((((((((((((((((( Angel ))))))))))))))))))))

That's a tough spot to be in.

I think with T, I finally kind of FORCED myself to let him in a little. It was really, really scary, and hard, and I spent every minute between that appointment and the next one pretty much in a total panic. But when nothing bad happened, and it turned out it was safe, I realized that letting him in that little bit was okay. Then later, I let him in a little more - same result - same panic, etc. But then it ended up being safe again. It gets a little easier all the time, although I still have to fight that urge to run.

I guess for me it took a leap of faith. Scary, scary stuff.

I wish I could be more helpful!

[sunrise]

I'll just echo everyone else. Just trust little by little. Give your T some "tests" and if she passes, you know she is trustworthy, and so you can risk a little more the next time. Start with little things and build. Make yourself do something each session that helps build trust. You can even tell T this is a goal you would like to work on. Maybe she has some trust-building exercises you could do together. It would be very hard to do trauma work without the trust. ((((hugs))))

[chaotic13]

Even though my T has passed all of the trustworthy check point I've had, I still find myself in situations like this past week questioning the therapeutic relationship. I think this might just be part of the whole process. Some stage/ phase in a therapy protocol. I often wonder if some researcher has published some a algorithm to describe whatever process I am working through. Instead of th stages of grief...it is the stages of chaotic becoming less freaky.

I've often questioned if I am with the right T. But I've decided that I was going to have trouble connecting with anyone, so I might as well stick with who I have. This was an important turning point in my therapy.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Thank you your posts were much appreciated and helpful.

If I were you, I would really take some time to look at the changes that HAVE occurred in the last six years. If you have spent six years with the same T, something tells me that you aren't as untrusting and unchanged as you think. Sometimes when we get in a rut, we tend to think this way.

It is interesting that you post this because last night, I chose to look at all of my posts, starting from when I joined PC. I had made this one post about being terrified to make T a CD and give it to him. It was so interesting to look back at my fear during that time because now I would give T a CD without any worry or fear whatsoever.

Perhaps talk about this with your T-- they are very good at helping notice the small (or large) changes that have occurred during therapy. We don't always see the ways in which we grow until it is pointed out.