what's the other half of the battle?

Hello,

I am wondering, wondering this: is realising what one's issues are or stem from half the battle? Then what is the other half?

What if someone knows, pretty much, what is wrong, where it went wrong and how it has affected their life. I blame my parents. Which is not just a cliché, but also as loaded with guilt as one would expect (considering that I know they did the best they could, and they didn't do anything horrible, just were inept in some ways as adults and parents). Anyway, if most of my problems could be said to stem from that and I know it, then what can be done about it?

How can therapy help?

I know that's a pretty big question...

Dear Sting,

I always knew my parents sucked at parenting too and thought I had a pretty good handle on the fallout. I have come to realize that was a way for me to compartmentalize my pain, because it was unmanageable.

After almost two years of therapy I am coming to terms with just how they failed me and how those failures inhibited my development as a person. I am just now beginning to look at myself as a person who has a lot of work ahead of her to become whole. There are so many different aspects to each of us. Psychotherapy can help us to get to know all the many lovable and not-so-nice parts of ourselves. Once we begin to know ourselves better, we can begin to problem solve. The problems that seemed huge two years ago don't feel so big anymore.

Also, for me, it has helped me to begin to accept myself and to love myself, a concept that is foreign to me. It has been the hardest work I have ever done but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I hope this helped. Good luck.

I have always had that issue with blaming parents for my current state of mind. I mean if they had raised me correctly or if they had thought about parenting before conception then maybe they could have raised a better child. Maybe I would have had a better selection of decision to choose from. I mean, when I say thought about raising kids, really sitting down and planning the life of that child or least discussing what they feel about raising children in a calm way.
This world is so confusing as it is, and to do things so spontaneously or naturally as nature would have it is some what unrealistic.
I think that we make mistakes but if you are of a responsible nature and have the ability to try and take chance at debating the point of parenting then at least put it out there in the atmosphere that you want to at least be that kind of parent.
See, it wasn't until I got up in age that I realized that things could have been different.

I believe the other half of the battle is forming deep, deep friendships, ones that suit us better than those we had growing up...then I have found one can really grow, in ways never dreamed as a child.......

Like Miss C I've always thought my childhood experiences left a mess of my head. I thought I had everything under control and out of sight from others. That is until my kids came along and my marriage started to fall apart. Then my world started to unravel.

What then? Well I guess we have to learn how to "be" in the world and relate to it without all the old stuff and the old way we've come to relate to ourselfs and the world? we learn about us as individuals and to see ourselfs and not just see ourselfs with all the hurt we've carried all these yrs? We learn another way? We come to an accpetence of our past and the err's done to us?

For me 1/2 of the battle is acknowledging and coming to terms to the horrific abuse that I endured. The other 1/2 of the battle is me, myself and I; my response (physically and mentally) to what has happened.

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chaotic13 said:
I thought I had everything under control and out of sight from others. That is until my kids came along and my marriage started to fall apart. Then my world started to unravel.

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Oh, that is so true! It takes a while for those things to catch up, doesn't it? I've no children, but I guess being in my late '30s is the time for all this stuff to come bubbling up. Chaotic, your image of the chick straining for food is resonating with me right now. It looks so helpless and desperate and kind of angry too.

I think there's something to the theory that we try to re-create our families in our adulthood, that we are drawn to people we feel instinctively will 'fix' the perceived wrongs of the past. So we end up in relationships that somehow are supposed to heal us. That this can take so many different forms is what's scary, in the sense of there being so many aspects to the whole tangled thing.

I'm sick of thinking about my parents, and just want finally to see them as two people who were young and unformed once and had kids and now they deserve my respect, end of story. But, damn it, the whole thing just won't go away. So many (all?) my roles and mechanisms come from my family
relationships and I guess I have to make my peace with them for real, and not just decide that I'm grown up now and can take responsilbilty for myself. That's what I decided years ago, but it's like that decision was taken before I had worked it out, whatever that means, and now I'm reaping the benefits (erg) of that again.

It just goes on, doesn't it.

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MissCharlotte said:
I have come to realize that was a way for me to compartmentalize my pain, because it was unmanageable.

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Dear Miss Charlotte,

Yes, indeed, I know what you mean. I am all compartments! So much so that I feel as if there are different mes held together by gaffer tape that comes unstuck in places every now and then, and then I race around sticking more tape on.

Thank you for posting. I will trust that you are right on Psychotherapy helping to get to know all those different bits of ourselves.

Sigh.

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StingInTheTail said:
I think there's something to the theory that we try to re-create our families in our adulthood, that we are drawn to people we feel instinctively will 'fix' the perceived wrongs of the past. So we end up in relationships that somehow are supposed to heal us.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">My T has a different theory, and maybe it might fit for you or not. And that is that our adult relationships recapitulate our dysfunctional childhood relationships, as we seek over and over again to experience the same thing but to "do it right." In this model, I chose my marriage to someone like my H (very selfish, abusive, etc.) to try to overcome childhood wrongs. This fits for me. That is why my divorce is so important. At last I am saying no, enough, I do not want a relationship like this, and moving toward to health. When I am done with this marriage, I will have helped myself with a lot of my problems from childhood too (it's all interrelated). At last I will have got it right and exercised the power as an adult to say no and exit the relationship, something I couldn't do when I was a child. There is something very healing about that.

StingInTheTail, you talk about knowing where your issues stem from. For me, knowing something rationally/cognitively doesn't really promote healing. I could think all the stuff I wanted, but I needed to get to my emotions and feelings to really deal with this. At least that is how it is for me. A therapist can help you with this.

Hi Sunrise,

Yes, I know that theory. It doesn't fit in my case. That's what I mean about there being so many permutations of it. My husband is very different to my father, with whom I've always had a very difficult relationship. In fact, I think I became like the worst of my father and mother rolled into one, for a while last year. What exactly brought on those stresses at the seams of my gaffer-taped up self is what I've been trying to figure out. But maybe I've been looking at the wrong end of the problem; the result more than the causes. At my most unbalanced times I had visions of each of my parents float up before me unbidden. I hated it! My father's need to control with force and my mother's passive agressive, depressive self.

Jesus, I've been working very very hard to keep myself together, to keep my public face on straight, and the contortions I went through last year just to avoid admitting I was weak and in pain were quite amazing.

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sunrise said:
For me, knowing something rationally/cognitively doesn't really promote healing. I could think all the stuff I wanted, but I needed to get to my emotions and feelings to really deal with this.

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That is so true. I am a little afraid now. Afraid that I've come back to something yet again that I've tried to avoid for a long time, afraid that it will result in my caving in somehow. I've been trying to think and rationalise my way through, or PAST this, for years. I might have to end up actually FEELING it. I don't know what that will mean and I'm worried that I won't be able to handle it. Giving up all control like that.

This must be what people mean when they talk about trusting their therapist. Trusting them to not let you fall apart.

Half of it is discovering what holes you have, and sometimes what made those holes. The other half is repairing them so that you can fully live the rest of your life without all the pain and contortions and fear of caving in, etc.

Well said and thank you-Angel