[ECHOES]

So I went to therapy this week feeling so depressed I could not talk. Could barely move, think, breathe. I was sad, weepy, very withdrawn and not wanting to emerge.

Once before this happened and T talked and I was able to get out of it and it was okay. I appreaciated it. This time I just wanted to be there and not talk. And that would be okay with her, according to a discussion about this at a previous session. But I couldn't say that's what I wanted. I wasn't wanting her to guess, I just couldn't say it.

So she talked and I responded some; I could not seem to get my brain to work or the thoughts from my brain to my voice. I keep wanting to write here that she kept saying all the wrong things. She didn't but it felt like she was I think because I couldn't take in what she was saying very well. I tried to let the silences happen but she didn't let them happen. Every time she spoke it was like she was 'interrupting' my silence.

She said I see the part of me that is there, prominent in the moment, but I can't see the whole of me, all the parts as one. (I'm becoming able to see how I do this with others, learning I can strongly dislike one part (or more than one part) of a person but care about that person overall. I don't have to choose how I feel, I feel like and dislike both about the same person. I don't have to think about pushing that person away because this is okay to have ambivalent feelings, it's how things work.) And she said that I am hard on myself and unforgiving. (Recent financial disaster after accidentally paying my car payment twice online. I have been open with others about this, instead of burying it with shame as I normally would do, and I've been amazed at the people who have said they have done this too, and even recently--people who I thought were much smarter, more adult, more responsible than me).

She said I give her a run for her money because I read a lot; she gave an example that I can't remember, saying "Most people wouldn't know that, you realize?." (I worry she will say I'm not smart enough for therapy). She said I am smart.... but I don't do anything with it. She means that I am very solitary, I don't share much, that I could share by joining a book club for example. And that really ticked me off. I've already asked to her not push me to be social because my history includes frustration about way too much of that; pushing but no help otherwise for an extremely shy, introverted, anxious, hearing impaired little girl. Just pushing and criticizing and blaming. I know her mere comment wasn't *pushing* but it feels like it and it feels blaming and criticizing too. I began to feel angry. I was already getting angry because she was talking so much, and going too fast for my sluggishly moving brain. I had no energy for the anger and it felt wrong, unjustified and out of proportion. I could only stuff all thoughts about it. Besides anger disturbs me and scares me; I'm afraid I'll just explode right there in the room, destructively sweeping those shelves clear of the toys, clearing every other surface until there's nothing left, raging until I collapse. I can't let a piece of it out for fear it will all come out. Because then T will see that part of me. And she will be done with me and I will lose her.

Oh, Echoes. (((((((((((((((((((((((( Echoes ))))))))))))))))))))))) What a tough session.

I understand what you're saying about the anger - but you put it into words so much more eloquently that I ever have. T thinks I need to accept my anger, I refuse to accept it, let alone express it. Anger terrifies me for so many reasons. And one reason is because I'm afraid if I ever tap into my anger it will be SO BIG that I won't be able to handle it.

Wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I have is some of these:

[sunrise]

ECHOES, that sounds like a really hard session. ((((hugs))))

It's interesting that you wanted more silences and your T kept interrupting them. It seems like often it is the client who can't sit comfortably in the silences, but that was not the case for you.

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I had no energy for the anger and it felt wrong, unjustified and out of proportion

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is an uncomfortable feeling. I can definitely relate to that. I don't get angry often, but when I do, it usually feels wrong and unjustified. ECHOES, does it ever feel right for you?

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Because then T will see that part of me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I hope some day you can share that part with your T. You will not lose her if you let her see.

I agree with your T, you are very smart!

[Fuzzybear]

[StingInTheTail]

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ECHOES said:
Besides anger disturbs me and scares me; I'm afraid I'll just explode right there in the room, destructively sweeping those shelves clear of the toys, clearing every other surface until there's nothing left, raging until I collapse. I can't let a piece of it out for fear it will all come out.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Echo, I know how that feels! My problem isn't with anger, I have no trouble getting angry and showing it, because it's a more comfortable emotion than the pain that's underneath it. The pain is the part I have to hide at all costs. It's really about what those things mean to us, isn't it? Anger to me is healthy, the beginning of a dialogue rather than the end. It shows there are strong feelings there that need to be unravelled and given air. Well, in an ideal situation that's how it would work.

I'm afraid that quite often I've used it to hide behind. Hide the real stuff. Let myself get insanely angry in the HOPE that the other person would be 'wise' enough to see what was behind it and reach in there and gently take the right stuff out. Because I was, am, too scared of rejection and loss of the other to express the sadness and pain in simple words. To ask for help.

Anger, for me, is easy because it can be so easily confused with having power. I think that if I drop that defense and people see the weak, helpless part of me they will turn away in disgust. The weak part of me is the part I have to dole out carefully, drop by drop, controlling the faucet in case it comes out in a gush and sweeps away everything else. The more I am hurt, the more tense is the hand on the faucet.

I'm sorry things were that tough for you in that session. I wish I could say something else.

[LAS112]

((((Echoes)))) I'm sorry you had such a rough session. I really hate that feeling, when the words just won't come out. Do you go back anytime soon? It sounds like she was trying to pull you out of it like she did last time, by talking, but I wonder if there's some kind hand signal or something that you two could agree on, so that way she would know not to interrupt the silences. Hang in there.

Aside from the fact that T messed up your silences (lol), you should be so proud of yourself. You have come a very long away. Therapeutic silences can be one of the most uncomfortable, painful things to deal with in therapy. For those of us who have trouble with ababdonment (and I think most of us here do), a therapeutic silence is often perceived as a form of abandonment-- the therapist is leaving us "alone" with our thoughts and feelings. It can be a very separate and detached feeling. However, when we grow in therapy, we are able to experience the silence as part of the connection. The fact that you are able to sit with the silence, and even with for the silence, is amazing. Sometimes T's can be really uncomfortable with the silences, too, depending on the given situation. I know that sometimes my T will sit with me through long, long period of silence, and other times he won't shut the %#@&#! up!! Your anger in this situation is certainly not unjustified, or out of proportion. If you cannot validate your own anger at this time, that's is okay-- I'll do it for you. I'm validating your anger because I think it is a huge, healthy step towards both gaining your independence AND maintaining the connection during therapy. My T is very big on the concepts of Winnicott,and Winnicott would call this "being alone in the presence of another." T and I have been working on this concept for awhile.