Where I belong. Where I don't belong.

I have a distinct memory of the first time I felt that I was different from everybody else. I learned to read very early on. When I was in kindergarten, my teacher had some extra work to do, so she asked me to read a book to the class. I remember feeling strange, like I had been separated from the rest of the class.

Throughout my childhood, I always felt different. I thought about stuff that other kids probably didn't think about (death, existence, etc.) and was always called "the smart one" or "the serious one." I always felt an intense separation from kids my age and even family members.

This continued into adulthood. I never felt completely connected to anyone. It got much worse when I started struggling with mental illness because besides feeling detached or separate from others, now I was "sick" as well.

I noticed that with T, the feeling of separation doesn't exist. I feel like I can be myself with him-- any part of myself. He seems to appreciate even the quirkiest, strangest parts of my personality. He is the only person who has ever taken the time to understand and appreciate my "gift" for seeing emotions and music through colors and shapes.

Yesterday in marriage therapy, as H and the therapist were talking (I can't call her 'T,' lol.... MY T is T, not her) I began to feel as though I should be wearing a big sign that says "SICK" and he should be wearing a big sign that says "HEALTHY."

I am going to bring this up next week because it was the very end of the session. It was a big realization for me because seeing as though it happened in the therapy room, it makes me wonder how much it happens in my relationship outside of therapy-- not just in my marriage, but in all cases.

How much do I carry around the "sick" label? How does that affect my interactions? In my marriage, why do I feel that imbalance so strongly? Is it my perception? Does H perpetuate it?

And I never feel it with T. I think that's why I want to be around him all the time. I think it is a huge part of the erotic feelings. Why wouldn't I want to experience that feeling of belonging all the time?

(((pinksoil)))

I LOVE your story about being in Kindergarten and feeling separated. I too, read a book to the class because I refused to go to school if I wasn't going to learn to read. So, as a result I was way ahead of my kindergarten class.

The idea of labels is such an interesting one -- do they *really* help us, or do they end up being an impediment? Personally, I've told T I don't want any label. I don't like to think of myself as SICK, and whatever is going on I think it is part of the normal human condition to have difficulties sometimes. That doesn't mean I want a label for the rest of my life.

I don't know why...but a story popped into my head while reading your post.

An older woman, when asked how she was doing, would always reply 'Couldn't be better'.
When asked why she replied that way, she explained, 'Well, given everything that is going on in my life, I'm doing the very best I know how...so...I couldn't be doing any better than I am doing right now.

This story has stuck with me, because I like the idea of assessing myself in the moment. I'm doing the best I can given all sorts of variables. If I recognize that I'm doing my very best, then it makes me feel better. Even on those 'off' days, I'm still doing my best.

I like that approach to life -- everything might not always be 'fine', but I'm always doing the best I can.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share.

Okay, this is strange. In preschool, I remember being asked to read a book to my class. I even remember what the book was. I taught myself to read when I was three, as a way to escape the things I was living with. I wonder how many of us here were early readers??

Pink, I know that feeling of being "different". And I get what you're saying about being accepted by T. I think T is the first person I have EVER been able to be myself with - whatever that looks like, however I'm feeling - and he's just like "this is fine. YOU are fine".

I think marriage therapy is bringing up interesting questions for you - it kind of reminds me of group therapy (which I have never done, but I've read about in Yalom's writings) - how that microcosm sort of provides a look at how you relate to the world at large.

(((((((((((((((((((((( pink ))))))))))))))))))))))) I hope you have a great appointment with your "T" tomorrow!

I would venture a guess that many of us here on PC are "the ones" who have felt different. I know I did but for "different" reasons than yours. Like you, I feel normal with T. It's an awesome experience, one that I'm not likely to give up any time soon.

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(I can't call her 'T,' lol.... MY T is T, not her)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Can we call her the marriage counselor or Brunhilde?

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How much do I carry around the "sick" label? How does that affect my interactions? In my marriage, why do I feel that imbalance so strongly? Is it my perception? Does H perpetuate it?

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Wow, these are good questions. But they only apply to the category of mental health. You know, I think that in any marriage each partner carries certain parts or labels depending on the category. Sometimes when I complain to T about something I perceive as unfair he says to me that it's more an even distribution of resources not necessarily an equal one. For example, theoretically I am the one who manages the bills in our partnership. My husband has a much stronger ability to withstand or shrug off the trauma of life than I do. I prefer not to think of myself as the sick one but the one who needs help in that area right now.

Maybe you can look at other areas of your marriage and see where the weight falls on his shoulders instead of yours and where you are strong. It might make you feel better.

(((((((((Pinksoil))))))))))

I think the feeling of being different or separate from other human beings is a big part of anxiety and mental screening I do during most interactions.

BTW I was on the opposite spectrum with regard to reading. I don't think I really acquired the label of literate until my freshman year in college.

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I never felt completely connected to anyone. It got much worse when I started struggling with mental illness because besides feeling detached or separate from others, now I was "sick" as well.

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I have always felt different as well, although I feel like that feeling is symptomatic or resulting from my mental illness. I have the same sense as you that my T is the only person with whom I don't feel this way. This helps me understand why I enjoy going so much, even when we are discussing really difficult things. Thanks for that insight!

Books were always an escape for me - starting in .... preschool i guess. I hated interactions with other kids. Even in "play dates" as a baby, i am told i'd take a toy and go where there were no other kids. Ironic that now i work with kids and dislike the majority of adults.

Most the time i refuse to accept "sick". I do feel it with MD... but not with T.

Pink, Intresting topic. I had to think about when I first felt different. To be honest the first 5yrs of my life I kinda of dont have much emotional memory. For it started when I was told my mum wasn't my mum and that had a big effect on how I saw myself compared to other children. From that moment I felt very different and sort of left my body and was forever watching myself...The sick verses healthy thing, well its odd but i went to the theatre a couple of days ago with one of my daughters and before when in a big crowd I would be very aware of myself as a dysfuctional person..but I was watching the mass of heads around and below me and I felt for the first time like I was one of them...I was a humanbeing with all my flaws, I didn' t feel as my "illness" seperated me anymore and I saw myself as a humanbeing with human flaws where as before I kinda of thought of myself as sort of well "special" and that no one suffered like I do and that sorta of kept me apart...I also use to feel as if I was not good enought for my husband and he was so "sorted" and I wasn't..well thats all changed...as I've begun to heal I see his flaws too now, and I see that there are very few people that do not have flaws, but obviously its the degree that changes...my view on mental illness has changed as well...I use to think it was somethign you either had or didnt have..now I see it as levels of emotional growth and on an adult who isn't at there approprate emtional age it does look "sick"..but its not really not like a disease such as measles or such...I think it was shame that kept me using my labels? that way I had an explaination that was acceptable to me for my wayward behaviour....now instead of wondering why my husband could stick with me, I think, well why wouldn't he?...so where do I belong now? amongst the human race with all its flaws and levels of emotional growth.

I felt separate but not sick or wrong in any way. I always had a good sense of Self I think. I remember when I'd be put in the hallway for misbehaving in class and I couldn't understand what "I" was doing there, I didn't belong out there! LOL When my stepmother would be angry and do her "I hope when you grow up you have five children just like YOU!" at me, my inner comment to the rejection was, "Well, at least I'll know how to treat them!"

I wonder what part is perception of ourselves; I finally moved away from home and got my own place when my stepmother called me "stupid" one time too many (I was 22). We decide on, pick, and fight different battles.

> I... was always called "the smart one" or "the serious one."

Not really said as a compliment, usually...

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pinksoil said:
I began to feel as though I should be wearing a big sign that says "SICK" and he should be wearing a big sign that says "HEALTHY."

I am going to bring this up next week because it was the very end of the session. It was a big realization for me because seeing as though it happened in the therapy room, it makes me wonder how much it happens in my relationship outside of therapy-- not just in my marriage, but in all cases.

Is it my perception? Does H perpetuate it?

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Good stuff Pink! Keep us updated on what you figure out.

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Perna said: When my stepmother would be angry and do her "I hope when you grow up you have five children just like YOU!" at me, my inner comment to the rejection was, "Well, at least I'll know how to treat them!"

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Hey me too!!! And i told mom that right out loud!!!