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Old Aug 11, 2008, 01:51 PM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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Sometimes simple words, when delivered at the right time, mean so much more.

Just some quick context. After a big rupture, I went to therapy last week intending to quit. The rupture was successfully repaired and I am continuing. During the session I was asked what I thought I deserved? I had no response, so the question was changed to, What I thought I wanted? I gave a superficial answer, but later expanded on it via email.

One statement made in my email was: "I want to be able to trust you enough to accept that you know what the f*&^ you are doing. LOL"

To which my T replied:

"None of us ever know exactly what the f*&^ we're doing. Trust at the
least that I wouldn't lead you down a road you can't handle. I will never
lead you to harm."

I've re-read this statement several times the last few days. It is so simple. I wonder if she realized how important it was that she wrote it. I also wonder if she realized how her use of the word f*&^ would be so important too. Unprofessional... maybe, but soooo much more meaningful to me at the moment.
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  #2  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 01:53 PM
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chloey chloey is offline
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thats really good that she helped you today, and that she made you feel so good. myabe her swaring just made it more relateable and stuff. hope your ok x
  #3  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 01:55 PM
pinksoil
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That is one of the most perfect responses that I could imagine. Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often

It reminds me of a time when I was invalidating my emotions and responses in session (as usual), telling T that I had no "right" to feel the way that I do.

T said:

"There is no right. There is no wrong. It just is."

That has really stayed with me.

I hope that you let your T know how signficant here words are to you. As far as using the word the F word (lol), I don't see that as unprofessional (obviously not b/c it comes out of my mouth, like, five times per minute in therapy). I think that the fact that you felt the meaning behind that simple word is because your T used YOUR word-- and that is even deeper evidence that she is listening, that she is joining you, that she is in this with you. Sometimes all it takes is one word.
  #4  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 02:57 PM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think that the fact that you felt the meaning behind that simple word is because your T used YOUR word

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Pink I hadn't thought of it that way but ABSOLUTELY. That along with the fact that one of my issues with the whole therapy thing is that I get hung up on if the interaction is really REAL. Her responding that way just made it more of a genuine statement.

As for Ts skillfully using our own words to effectively communicate that we are in fact being heard-- Your comment made me think of the other thread where we were talking about Ts mirroring or reflecting out statements and how it is done makes all the difference.

Here is another simple comment made in the same email exchange. During my session I mentioned a two incidence but neglected to provide details or the context. My T didn't see the connection and asked me to connect the dots for her. Which then I did, but again left details out (only this time the omissions were more conscious).

So in my email after the session I reflected on my tendency leave out the details by writing..."The lack of context seemed apparent when you stopped and asked me to connect the dots for you. At that instant, a lot of dots appeared. Part of me just wanted to curl up at that moment, start at the beginning, and explore each one. But the rational me said NO! Give her only the relevant facts she wants, gain her insights, and do the rest on your own."

In her reply, my T held her comment on this until the last line of the email. Where simply wrote... "connect the dots."

Again to me... a few simple but well timed words.
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"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #5  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 04:42 PM
SpottedOwl SpottedOwl is offline
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((Chaotic13))

That is a great post! I'm so happy you were able to repair the rupture, and that T heard what you were trying to say to her.

It is all about timing, and how the words are delivered.

I remember one session -- I was feeling silly for telling T about the 'good' things I'd done that week. I felt like I was a little kid trying to explain to an adult that I really was making progress. T told me it was important to also share the victories, and that he is there as a witness to my life.

The idea of him just being a witness, the way he said it so gently, struck me as a profound statement. I said 'that is so ...loving'. Just witnessing -- not judging, just being there with me. I cried, beautiful tears this time.

I've read in different books about how a therapist is supposed to be a witness, but how and when T said it was what really has stuck with me.

Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often
  #6  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 04:49 PM
LAS112 LAS112 is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
I think that the fact that you felt the meaning behind that simple word is because your T used YOUR word-- and that is even deeper evidence that she is listening, that she is joining you, that she is in this with you. Sometimes all it takes is one word.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I never really thought about it until I read this, but I love when T uses my words, it makes me feel more at ease.

Sometimes when I get home, I write down things he said, or I'll think of it later in the week and write it down. I did this with my last T, and I still go back and read it. It's also good to have for times when I am missing T.
  #7  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 04:50 PM
Anonymous29412
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This is a great thread Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often

I remember early in therapy I was lamenting that I had been so out of it over the weekend because of what had come up in therapy that I had just let my kids play video games all weekend - something I never do - and T just said "So?". It's so simple, but with that, he gave me permission to let things go sometimes, to not be perfect, to just let what happens happen. That really stayed with me.

Recently, when I expressed erotic transference to T, I later freaked out and left him a big e-mail and phone message. I told him that I feel like usually "Little Me" comes to therapy to be cared for, and that this time, it was like "Grown Up Me" was there, and had the ET, and I didn't like it. He left me a message and said "It's ALL okay is what it is. You can bring whoever you need to bring to therapy". Something about how he said it was so reassuring, and really made me feel like whatever comes up in therapy really IS okay.

There are so many of those moments - and they are all so simple but somehow so profound at the same time.

I'm looking forward to reading more responses to this thread!

Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often
  #8  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 05:35 PM
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MissCharlotte MissCharlotte is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
fter a big rupture, I went to therapy last week intending to quit. The rupture was successfully repaired

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Welcome to the cycle of rupture repair. It's excruciating but I have found incredible growth within it. I hope you do to. It certainly sounds as if you are on that path.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I want to be able to trust you enough to accept that you know what the f*&^ you are doing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I remember distinctly in the beginning of my therapy when I asked T a question about something that really bugged me out in-session, and his answer was, "I think that's how it works." And I thought to myself: Well, somebody in this relationship better know what the hell they're doing because I certainly don't."

Today I asked T to write me a note letting me know that he will come back from vacation. He wrote a very thoughtful note in my notepad that I gave him. I will cherish it and read it over and over for the next three weeks.

Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often
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  #9  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 05:47 PM
Anonymous29412
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MissCharlotte said:
I will cherish it and read it over and over for the next three weeks.

Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Having T write that note was such a great idea! I usually ask T to leave me a phone message, and he does....but there is something so sweet about having a note.

I hope it provides comfort for you while he is gone, Miss C!

Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often
  #10  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 05:53 PM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Last112 said:
Sometimes when I get home, I write down things he said

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I totally do this too! Here is just ANOTHER thing that came out in my recent exchange with my T.

Part of the main reason for the rupture in the first place was that I had felt ignored, unimportant... like she didn't care. She has demonstrated during my session and in her email reply that she does in fact care. So, I without thinking about it, I emailed her back with a simple, "Thank you, you gave me some good things to add to my Evidence List when paranoia strikes."
Well, I get another reply from her saying ... "WHAT EVIDENCE?"
Seeing this reply, I realized that I had never really told her how much I struggle with the concept of caring between sessions. Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often

Well, I replied to her question by admitting my fear related to the therapeutic relationship and explained that in November I had created an Evidence of Sincerity and Caring List. I admitted needing this list sometimes when my insanity creeps in between sessions.

The more that I think about it... I think I did more communicating in just one session and 3 short emails than I've done all year!

I think it all comes down to her using the word f*&amp;^ . JUST KIDDING! Wonder, how Freud would interpret that statement. Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often
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"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #11  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 06:00 PM
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skeksi skeksi is offline
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I keep something similar to an evidence list, too! I am impressed that you were able to share with her the extent of your doubt--and also of your faith in her.
  #12  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 06:11 PM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
skeksi said:
I am impressed that you were able to share with her the extent of your doubt--and also of your faith in her.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know my admission certainly does clearly share with her the extent of my doubt. I hope she get that latter message as well.
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"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #13  
Old Aug 11, 2008, 11:43 PM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
skeksi said:
I keep something similar to an evidence list, too!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

So interesting. I actually do the opposite. I have a few notes in my journal about things T has said that make me confused or angry. I have a hard time holding onto and even remembering things that have made me upset in therapy, so I've been writing them down. I'm hoping at some point I am able to bring them up and talk about them in T.

I loved the email response you got chaotic.
  #14  
Old Aug 12, 2008, 09:35 AM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Lemon said:
hard time holding onto and even remembering things that have made me upset ..

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LOL,,, I have no trouble remember stuff that pisses me off.

Now that I think about it... I should keep an Evidence That I Cared List. Because I have an image of myself as someone who is cold and uncaring. My friend the other day mentioned to me how helpful and supportive I've been to her this summer and I was like...REALLY? I think sometimes I do things and don't realize that what I was doing was in fact "caring." I am totally clueless when it come to relationships. I feel like I was just plopped on this planet at age 40.

Here is something else that my T said that I would kind of like to hear more often...whether she really meant it or not.

"I am glad you returned."
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"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #15  
Old Aug 12, 2008, 11:51 AM
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Kiya Kiya is offline
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=) That is a great idea, chaotic. I once had a jar that held quotes like that that people had told me. So that when i felt bad or unworthy (uncaring) I could take out the jar and read the quotes.

"I am glad you returned" Very cool!

This week I am holding on (easily even) to T's hug and "It's so good to see you!!" even more than the actual session we had later that day.
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  #16  
Old Aug 12, 2008, 12:01 PM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
This week I am holding on (easily even) to T's hug and "It's so good to see you!!"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Wow, that would be really hard to forget or dismiss between session. The hug would be a bit too intense for me at the moment, but I sure wouldn't forget it. LOL
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  #17  
Old Aug 12, 2008, 02:11 PM
Anonymous29412
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Two things T said to me in an e-mail today:

"We'll figure this out" - (makes me feel like he's on my side, like I'm not alone, like someone is going to help me)

"If you need to talk, call". (see above)

Having a rough day. It feels good that he's there.
  #18  
Old Aug 12, 2008, 02:33 PM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"We'll figure this out"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I would like this one too. It takes him out of the all knowing authority figure image and make it more of a collaborative endeavor.

Sorry you are having a rough day (((EM)))
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"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)
  #19  
Old Aug 12, 2008, 04:10 PM
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One time a while back I met my T on the elevator on the way up to his office, and he asked how I doing and said that because of our previous session,

"I've been really worried about you."

I felt really good about that, because it meant he had understood what a hard time I had been having (not minimizing) and that he had been thinking of me outside of session.

Another thing I like that he says, is after I have related some event or problem to him, he might say:

"How can I help you?"

This is both an offer of help, which I appreciate, Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often and makes me reflect a moment and think of all his resources, and what he could offer at that moment to help me. Then I tell him how I think he could help, and he tries to do what he can. The whole sequence is great.
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  #20  
Old Aug 12, 2008, 04:14 PM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
earthmama said:
"We'll figure this out"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is a great one--so reassuring. There have been a couple of times when the shoe was on the other foot and I said to my T,

"we can do this."

I was in a way trying to give him a little pep talk and some encouragement for our next steps. And also, it is a way of invoking our relationship and its strength--that I have confidence and trust in him and that our relationship is so strong, it can hold up under the coming stresses.
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  #21  
Old Aug 13, 2008, 12:45 AM
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I got a really great one tonight. It had been 2 weeks since our last session, due to my vacation. T said,

"it's really good to see you again." Words Ts say or write that you want to hear more often
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  #22  
Old Aug 13, 2008, 10:00 AM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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Those are really great statements. So simple but meaningful.

I just thought about another comment my T made as I was paying once. She had asked about my weekend plans and I said my H and I were going to volunteering for a dunk tank fundraiser. She was like "Oh, where is this going to be? Maybe I'll show up and dunk him a few times for ya."
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