[MissCharlotte]

This whole idea of self care has been a running theme throughout my therapy. I remember T saying early on, "Miss, you have to take care of yourself." I had no idea what he was talking about because I have always prided myself on my self-care, because of how poorly my mother took care of herself. For example, I always go for my annual checkups, gyno, mamograms, dental cleaning, etc. My mother never went to the doctor and had very bad teeth. I am on top of my blood pressure issues. I am careful about my outward appearance and try to look nice always. In fact, I am the neurotic who is always asking H if I look okay, etc., etc.

I realize now that these acts of self care are only part of the job. Indeed, for me, they are not acts of self care as much as they are acts of defiance (doing the opposite of what she would do).

What T wants me to do is to REALLY take care of me. I have been reflecting on what exactly that means. It means that I have to slow everything down a zillion notches, so that I can notice where I am in the moment. He wants me to react based on what I feel in my body rather than what I think in my head. That is really hard to do because often I feel numb--very out of touch with my body. I have to be able to notice my body's messages and I do believe they are there--I just don't know how to hear them yet. When an infant's physical needs are met promptly she learns to respond to the messages of her body. When a child's physical needs are met, the learning process continues. This makes me sigh for the infant within me whose needs were deferred until my mother could get to them; and the little girl whose needs were denied. I used to wet the bed and lay there all night until I got myself up. There was no response at all. Eventually, I would go lie in my brother's bed for comfort and a dry mattress. I was ridiculed in the morning by sibs, grandmother.

Where the hell was she and where the hell is he? WAAAAA

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Self-care is a tough one for me. Really tough.

Sometimes, SOMETIMES, after a session with T, I can take the caring he has shown me, and go home and keep showing it to myself a little bit. I feel very young in T, so when I come home, sometimes I can take care of "little me". I will color mandalas, or lay down and read a book for fun, or go for a little walk outside. Basically, I just ask "little me" what she wants and I try to give it to her.

There are all sorts of repercussions for this. The rest of me doesn't feel "deserving" of that kind of care, and I often respond to this kind of care with some other really negative behaviors. This is something I need to work on.

I think when no one has taken care of us, it's hard for us to know how to take care of ourselves. I feel like T is teaching me, a little bit, but it's a hard lesson to learn.

[pegasus]

When my T talks about self-care, he means 'psychological' self-care which I feel is quite different to physical self-care.

Psychological self-care is looking after your own mental health. I see my T for three quarters of an hour each week and the rest of the time it is up to me to do the caring.

Sorry if I have gone off on a tangent here but to me self-care (said by a therapist) is meant in the therapeutic sense.

Take care.

[Sannah]

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MissCharlotte said:
It means that I have to slow everything down a zillion notches, so that I can notice where I am in the moment. He wants me to react based on what I feel in my body rather than what I think in my head. That is really hard to do because often I feel numb--very out of touch with my body. I have to be able to notice my body's messages and I do believe they are there--I just don't know how to hear them yet.
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Wow, Charlotte, you are really on the right track here - keep going!

[Sannah]

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earthmama said:
I just ask "little me" what she wants and I try to give it to her.

There are all sorts of repercussions for this. The rest of me doesn't feel "deserving" of that kind of care, and I often respond to this kind of care with some other really negative behaviors.

I think when no one has taken care of us, it's hard for us to know how to take care of ourselves.

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Hi EM, it sounds like you haven't quite yet really embraced your inner child but you are working on it!

When I was doing this I figured out why I wouldn't embrace her and this is the answer that I came up with for myself. I thought that my mom wouldn't love me anymore if I took care of myself. I developed this thought as a small child spending time with my mom. All children want to please their parents and I guess I figured with my little child mind at that time if she wasn't paying attention to me that this is what she thought was important and I should do the same or she wouldn't be happy. Once I made this connection as an adult and then was able to throw it away because it isn't logical at all, I was finally able to embrace my inner child and finally take care of myself and my needs.

[MissCharlotte]

Thank you earthmama, pegasus, sannah,

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Basically, I just ask "little me" what she wants and I try to give it to her.

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This is really brave earthmama. Yes, the self care is very difficult for me as well. I think it is because we never learned it from our mothers. We don't feel worthy of it is one way to perceive it, and I feel that way often. But another way to look at the dilemma is that we became neurologically wired for the painful experience of not having our needs met. And that is the pattern we repeat through negative, self harming behaviors, etc. I'm with you in this dilemma.

For me, the "working through" is knowing it is okay to listen to my own needs, the needs of my body. I don't really know that yet, but I am trying a bit at a time. So, for example, if I begin to feel that nervousness in the pit of my belly, maybe I can try to notice it before it turns into full blown anxiety and panic where I wind up dissociating and hurting myself in some way. I can do this by grounding myself in the here and now. (Easier said than done--I'm trying to convince myself here.)

It is so interesting to see how different each of our experiences are and how diverse the ideas of acknowledging, embracing, accepting the inner child is, call it what you will.

Again, I think this all depends on our early experiences with (or without) our mothers. Saying something is one thing--that's the intellect at work. Knowing something is another--ya gotta feel it, methinks.

Peaceout

[Mouse_]

Pay attention to our feelings more, and that means all of them, the good days and the bad days.

[chaotic13]

Self care and feeling like I deserve it, is still a work in progress for me.

[Sannah]

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MissCharlotte said:
So, for example, if I begin to feel that nervousness in the pit of my belly, maybe I can try to notice it

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and figure out what it means for you - what you are feeling?

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MissCharlotte said:
another way to look at the dilemma is that we became neurologically wired for the painful experience of not having our needs met.

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And we can re-wire ourselves. I have....

[MissCharlotte]

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And we can re-wire ourselves

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YES! Thank heavens for the brain's plasticity! Although it sure would be easier to call an electrician....

[sunrise]

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MissCharlotte said:
He wants me to react based on what I feel in my body rather than what I think in my head.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I believe that realizing and acknowledging my feelings is key for me too, as my typical way of reacting to something is to feel something and immediately stuff it away, even before I have known I felt it. Thus, I can appear unmoved by events many would get angry or sad at. There may have been a fleeting moment I felt something, but I am so efficient at "stuffing" that it was as if I felt nothing. I am really trying to work on this. (And it's probably why CBT is not a good fit for me, as it emphasizes fixing thought patterns, whereas I need help with unearthing and allowing myself to have feelings.)

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earthmama said:
SOMETIMES, after a session with T, I can take the caring he has shown me, and go home and keep showing it to myself a little bit

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">One thing my T does in session is to acknowledge my feelings. I may feel something but not really know it or want to own up to it, and T just says, "sunny is feeling sad right now" or something like that. It can be very powerful and feel very caring. I saw this in action when I brought my whole family to therapy with me, and my youngest daughter, who is normally very reserved and very withdrawn and has a "hard" and protective exterior, sat on the couch with me and quietly began to cry as T talked. T scarcely missed a beat, and just said, "right now daughter is feeling sad" and wove that into his preamble. It was VERY powerful. I could not believe what a reaction he got from my daughter and how almost immediately she felt safe enough to cry in his office. (I think my T is kind of magic that way.) I have taken this technique T uses of acknowledging someone's feelings by naming them and used it since with others a few times, always with good results. How this relates to what you wrote, earthmama, is that a while ago I had to say a "good-bye" to a small thing in my life and had a small emotional response of sad and poignant feelings. When these feelings came over me, I did not stuff them! I allowed myself to feel them and talked to myself inside, just like T would talk to me. I said, "sunny is feeling sad right now, and poignant, this "thing" has been so helpful, it is hard to say good-bye. Good-bye." And I think I even cried a tear or two. I didn't push the tears away. I just let myself feel this, and then it was over. It was not hard! I didn't stuff it. I didn't have to expend energy stuffing my feelings and then more energy maintaining that state of keeping my feelings all locked up. It was a little instance, not really a big deal, but oh so powerful to realize with just a little "self-therapy" like my T would provide, I could successfully feel something and not hide away. This to me is taking my therapy and my therapist home with me. It felt like he was there with me as I did this. It was cool.