I just left the worst session ever.

I have hurt my back, so I am feeling helpless and vulnerable, and that makes me feel scared and angry....so I was in a bad spot to begin with. When I was leaving for T, I felt like "finally! someone I'm comfortable being vulnerable with!". I pictured myself laying on his couch, him taking care of me emotionally, leaving feeling good.

That is SO not how it happened.

He was having a meeting in his office before I got there with the other three therapists in the office. So as I was walking in, they were walking out. of his door. It made me feel really self-conscious - like here I am, the crazy person! Plus, I've had a bad session with him before when he's been in "meeting mode" so I was worried about that.

I sat down and just didn't feel like myself. We talked for a while, but I just felt totally down on myself, felt like he didn't want me to be there, felt like I was wasting his time. Pretty soon I totally knew I was dissociating, but it felt out of my control, completely. He didn't look like himself, the walls literally felt like they were closing in - the office seemed SO small. I felt unsafe, trapped, caged. He kept asking "what do you need?" and it was just making it WORSE. What I "needed" was to not be sitting there feeling totally insane and out of my head. I really felt like I "needed" to SI - and I told him that. It was horrible. I felt totally disconnected from T and from myself.

I remember breathing FAST and my heart racing and racing and feeling really dizzy. I remember him trying to help me get grounded and that making it way, way, way worse. It just sucked.

I can't remember how it happened, at all, but eventually I started feeling a little more present. T suggested we change things around a bit - and did I want to go for a walk outside? The thought of being with T outside of his office was like...NO. He said he would come sit with me on the couch and I could tell him if it felt good or bad. So he came over and it felt too close for me and I told him. I said "and now there's no therapist here!" indicating his empty chair. He said "why don't you be the therapist?" so I went and sat in his chair and he laid down on the couch. Suddenly everything kind of shifted. We were playing, and that made me happy, and it seemed like part of me - the young part - came back and things started to feel okay. So we played therapist and client for a few minutes and then I went to sit with him on the couch.

I sat with him on the couch and told him the things I thought I would worry about this weekend - the main thing being what happened in session, and what he would now think of me. He jumped up and got a pad of post it notes and a pen and sat back down and began writing me little notes. He wrote me three little notes - complete with smiley faces - for me to take home and hang onto this weekend.

He's so good. I left feeling put back together (for the most part) and connected to him (for the most part) and safe (for the most part). I think hanging onto the notes this weekend will help me.

But still, talk about a crappy session! I kind of wish I'd never gone.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))))))))

[sunrise]

(((((((earthmama)))))))

Within this one session, was rupture and repair. It was hard, but it ended well. You went from bad to good, which is a great direction to go in! I love how your T kept trying different things to help you. Until finally something worked. He's really resourceful and did not give up on you. I can tell he cares about you a lot.

It sounds like the presence of those other T's was what started the whole thing. Did you tell him that? Maybe in the future you can explore that trigger and work through it so it isn't so hard the next time.

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sunrise said:

Within this one session, was rupture and repair. It was hard, but it ended well. You went from bad to good, which is a great direction to go in! I love how your T kept trying different things to help you. Until finally something worked. He's really resourceful and did not give up on you. I can tell he cares about you a lot.


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Thanks for reframing this for me, sunrise

I guess I was disappointed to not be present for so much of the session. I love my sessions with T, and it felt like a huge waste to sit there, totally dissociated and panicking for almost the whole session. I literally felt like I wasn't even THERE, and he wasn't even T. BUT, you're right, T worked hard to bring me back into the room and reconnect with me before I left - and after sessionhe left a phone message for me saying that the session was fine - that we did good work together finding a way to connect, and that even though it might feel scary to come to my next session on Monday, it will be okay.

Sigh. I feel awfully exposed and vulnerable right now.

[pegasus]

That's a really, really, really, really, really, really good T you got there! Don't let go of him!

((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

I cannot tell you how many times I dissociated during my first year and a half of therapy. Now, we move so slowly and carefully and have begun to be able to recognize those things that trigger me.

I'm sorry the session was so frightening. I think the fact that you "knew" you were in a crappy place when you walked in the door is a good sign in a way. It is maybe the beginning of reconizing your needs? I remember feeling a certain way on the way to session a few months ago and "knowing" I was going to dissociate in-session.

But now, I can tell T in advance that I am feeling vulnerable and we work with that feeling state.

((((earthmama))))

Feel better and take gentle care.

[chaotic13]

(((EM))) sounds like a tough session but that you and your T worked through it.

[little*rhino]

awww.... your T is so wonderful. i know you felt bad and wanted a whole good session, but in light of the bad i think the good was better than you can see just yet. Your t makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.



love you girlie

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((((((Earthmama))))))))))))))))))))))
I am glad things got a bit better tho! Soooooooo good that he could play and get things shifted for you. And really good that you were able to interact in that way!!! Very cool. Love the notes from t - that is awesome!
kiya

[Sannah]

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earthmama said:
I have hurt my back, so I am feeling helpless and vulnerable, and that makes me feel scared and angry....

as I was walking in, they were walking out. of his door. It made me feel really self-conscious - like here I am, the crazy person!

I sat down and just didn't feel like myself. I just felt totally down on myself, felt like he didn't want me to be there, felt like I was wasting his time.

I went and sat in his chair and he laid down on the couch. Suddenly everything kind of shifted.

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Hi EM, the first 3 paragraphs up there explain what you were feeling ^. I guess you didn't feel comfortable having these feelings though? I remember having uncomfortable feelings that were very difficult to deal with. I basically had to learn that it is okay to have feelings and that I can own them. I think not being able to own your feelings is what causes the dissociation? Those darn upbringings that don't allow us to have our feelings.....

When you switched chairs with T do you think that you started to feel better because you were then in the "power" position? Being in control certainly helps. I had to learn all about this in order to get better. When we were growing up nothing was in control in our families and this caused insecurity and the belief that we cannot take control of ourselves or our lives. Feeling in control of yourself (which has a lot to do with feelings) and your life is vital for mental health. I guess I don't mean that a person is really in control of their feelings because feelings happen and you certainly can't control them! I guess before you get better, the feelings feel really out of control and this doesn't feel good at all. As you get better and learn to recognize your feelings and feel that it is okay to have feelings, etc. then you don't feel out of control.