[more_than_a_label]

hi everyone. im new to this site but am already relieved to have found this. im having a tough time and am wondering if anyone can relate.

ive been in therapy for a long time. i am nervous that i have become too dependant on my therapist, emotionally. i get nervous when all i look forward to during the week is my session. today, my therapist seemed as though she had given up on me. or was annoyed with me. i dont allow myself to be affected by anyone but am so affected by therapy. i feel like i should find support in other places but dont think i can trust anyone else. i know that therapy is temporary and 'not real'- but it feels so real. sometimes i wonder if being in therapy gives me an excuse to not get into a 'real' relationship.

i left therapy so overwhelmed - it scared me because i had not felt that bad in a long time. really was just freaking out. what do you do when you feel too 'attached'? i feel so alone... <font color="#000088"> </font>

[Sannah]

Hi Label, I think that one of the goals of therapy is to eventually make the client self-sufficient. I am sure that this could take different people different amounts of time though. How about talking this over with your therapist?

[pachyderm]

I would try to broaden my support system, even if that starts only by doing a lot of reading, posting here on Psych Central, and so on. I have found a therapist insufficient to meet all my emotional needs. Frightening but true. But there is some additional help. Finding what fits your needs is the difficult task.

[more_than_a_label]

thanks for your post. the strange thing is is that ive felt like i could talk with her about anything until yesterday- she said that there is nothing wrong but there is such a drastic difference in just a week. i called her and left a message and have not heard back either. which is not usual for her. i guess that i need to keep reminding myself that therapy is not soley about our therapeutic relationship... and that it should be more focused on me and my getting better... but it is hard...

[more_than_a_label]

thanks~ ya, definitely need to expand my supports. its scary to acknowledge the impact that one person has.. in knowing so much about me.. and in my feeling comfortable in talking with her. it's hard to not feel connected. and usually i dont allow for myself to be connected. or affected. i guess i am mad at myself for being so vulnerable. now i just want to call and quit therapy. im glad that i found this site. thanks again

[little*rhino]

i wonder about that too... the thoughts of terminating someday scare the bejeebers outta me.. but i know that is a sign that i am just "not there" yet. i DO want self reliance someday... but right now i can't even invision it internally... i mean, i know it is possible - other people do it, but i haven't been able to even picture it for me, i don't know what it feels like.

i happen to believe it is real.. and i know i'll get responses that say it isn't (yadda yadda yadda) and i don't really care. i know what the relationship is (and isn't) between my T and myself. Maybe you can talk to your T about what your relationship is.. how you feel towards her, etc. Every now and then we talk about "us" and it helps a lot. There are many types and levels of caring and many different T's with different manners of practice.. it is possible to have a real therapeutic relationship... and yes, i do know it is a unique one that does not equate to other ones. That is the key to whether it is real or not. He cares about me as me, he said so and that is real enough for me. Does he care? Yes. Does he sometimes think about me outside of session? Yes, he has said so. Is he going to invite me to a BBQ? No. Am I ok with that? For the most part, yes.

Acceptance of the nature of the relationship did a lot for me. It's scary to try to turn our attention to others around us and build healthy relationships. Try not to think in terms of the long term future, think of it as today, tomorrow and maybe next week.

what can you do this week that would be a healthy social activity? Can you call someone to have coffee? Can you attend some social event like a concert, where you can be among people but remain anonymous if you want to be?

[chaotic13]

I'm feeling this way somewhat too. Since I am not through this and on the other side I can't really say anything helpful. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in your fear of being dependent on this relationship.

[more_than_a_label]

thanks candika and chaotic, it is helpful to know that i am not alone. chaotic, you do have a lot to offer... even to say that you can relate.. it means a lot
candika, you're right, i guess therapy is a relationship in many ways. depending on how relationship is defined... guess it is not so black and white.. there is some in between...
it's helpful, as you mention, to think of therapy in the short term... not to think of it as whether or not it will be there 5 years from now. because, the reality of things are, we dont know whats even going to happen 5 minutes from now!
i will try to reach out to others this week. i guess it is a start in sharing on this site~

[Sannah]

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more_than_a_label said:
and usually i dont allow for myself to be connected. or affected.

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Why? Maybe this is why you have no one but the therapist?

(((((More))))),
Welcome to PC You'll fit right in here. You definitely aren't alone in feeling dependent on your therapist and therapy. This can actually be a good thing even though it doesn't feel like it. At this point, working through these feelings can be beneficial and help you toward your end goal. It's okay to feel this way, it's okay to accept this in yourself! IMO, it's only when you accept that this is a part of you that you can actually get better. Yes, it is a long, difficult journey. A lot of us here are on the same path. Take care!

[little*rhino]

yeah, think about it.. we don't know if anyof our friends or others in our lives will be here in a year or a day. We just think about the therapy relationship more due to it's extremely intimate nature... and no, it doesn't mean that necessarily one is actually opening up, it just means the communication is so deeply personal and focused entirely on us.

and yes, welcome to PC..

[MissCharlotte]

Dear More,

I also believe that the therapeutic relationship is real. Further, that it is okay, in fact, necessary to depend on the relationship sort the way you would depend on a parent. It's a way for us to make changes, that would be too difficult otherwise. Yeah, it's scary for sure.

I think that expanding your support system is a good idea too. I know how scary it can be but try with one person at a time.

Good luck and welcome!

[chaotic13]

When I am being rational, I think it is real in its own way. It is real, genuine, and incredibly intimate but is only for a short time (1 hr) . I think the intensity of it is what freaks me out. I get drawn in and caught up in what was discussed for days afterwards. Its like I'm supercharged and I want to just keep pushing though the crap, asking questions, getting attention;but it is over and I have to wait. Thats what make me feel emotionally dependent and obsessive. It seems like once I finally engage I want to keep going. However, when I really step back, take a deep breath. I realize... if it was gone tomorrow, I would be sad, but I would survive.

It is real... its just not an everyday relationship

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chaotic13 said:
I get drawn in and caught up in what was discussed for days afterwards. Its like I'm supercharged and I want to just keep pushing though the crap, asking questions, getting attention;but it is over and I have to wait.

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This is such a great description of what it feels like to me sometimes too, Chaotic. Exactly.

[pachyderm]

With me I think the breaks between sessions are needed for me to recover and do some work on my own. This is because the sessions themselves seem often not very rewarding, and I have to try to figure out why this is.

[pachyderm]

“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” -His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

Compare: "The kingdom of God is within" -- Jesus of Nazareth

[chaotic13]

So pachy are you saying that you need the time between session to find the healing source within yourself? I think I need this too, unfortunately sometimes without timely and positive reassurances and guidance, I get lost and end up closer to Hell than Nirvana.

[little*rhino]

chaotic... i agree about wanting to keep going when you hit that groove, and the groove doesn't happen every session. i am fortunate enough that when we do hit it and there isn't someone waiting, T goes over time by quite a lot (like an hour and a half total sometimes). i think a lot about what we talk about for sure, but i don't feel like the relationship is only real for that one hour. Maybe that is part of developing that deeper trust? i know you struggle(d) with opening up and trusting.. maybe it still has room to deepen? i do wish i could see T more, i wish we could be friends, but i understand the limitations.. and i feel the relationship is still there and real even when i cannot see him. i know he would be there for me if i was in crisis.. i know he is there. It's harder when he is away, physically not around.

[pachyderm]

> are you saying that you need the time between session to find the healing source within yourself?

It seems that way. It seems sometimes that therapy makes me lose my way.

> I get lost and end up closer to Hell than Nirvana

I get that. But I have to investigate Hell too, to see why I am tending in that direction. Hard, but I do not see any other way.

[pachyderm]

More to add:

I think there is a considerable amount of counter-transference going on in my therapy -- and it is for the most part unrecognized. My therapist does things that remind me of my mother; that is, he does things that I think have the same origins and meanings as some of the things that my mother did -- and he does them without recognizing that he does them. One example is what seems to me to be over-praising me for some things that I do (like take risks sometimes with people and activities). I do not need to be praised, at least not the way he does it; I think his praise has more to do with his needs than mine. My mother used to give praise when we children did something that she wanted, not something that we wanted. And usually what she wanted us to do was fake, insincere, conforming.

Now you may say that that he should not be doing this. And I agree; he should not be doing it. But he is (I think). What should I do in this case? Should I run away; should I lash out at him? Certainly that is what I feel like doing often. I do sometimes express my unhappiness at this, and try to tell him what I think is happening (something that would have been entirely unacceptable to my mother). But as is usual in cases like this, when the counter-transference is not recognized the person does not readily want to see that it is happening.

What I am doing so far is to try to work with what is rather than what I would like to have happen. I do learn from it; I begin to understand what happened when I was young and why I react to it the way I do now. Although he does do things in some same ways as my mother did (and out of similar motives, unless I am totally wrong, and I don't think I am), still he is is not my mother. This is a distinction that is quite hard for me to make, and it does cause me quite a bit of heartburn. I really do not like it and wish often there were something better. It feels as though I am being forced to confront things in a little-too-uncontrolled or unsafe a way than I am comfortable with. But it is happening, and I have to deal with it (or find other alternatives which may not be any better).

[skeksi]

Pachyderm, I'm curious why you think T should not be praising you for doing things that are difficult for you. Perhaps T is taking selfish pleasure in seeing that his work with you is successful, but also perhaps he is simply happy to see you challenging yourself?

[pachyderm]

It is the WAY he does it. It does not strike me as genuine. Because of my childhood I am very sensitive to genuine.

Now I am getting to the point that I can accept not being "genuine" -- that is, when I think I understand it, I am not as worried by it. Strange.

I think that he thinks that praising people is the thing to do -- it will get HIM approval. He does not modulate it enough to fit the situation.

Am I making myself clear? Probably not. One can do something or say something and the meaning of it can be entirely different, depending on the details of how it is done or said. Body language, context, pauses, tone of voice, everything contributes. That is why I find the descriptions of types of therapy (psychodynamic, behavioral, etc.) so inadequate: they leave out everything that is crucial to seeing why something works or it doesn't! And almost no one mentions even the existence of the crucial factors!

No wonder that what makes the difference between a successful therapy and one that isn't seems so mysterious to people. And why insurance companies do not want to pay for something that seems so uncertain (and really is not).

[sunrise]

Pachyderm, could you share your thoughts on this with your T and explore why you think he is having countertransference? He could clarify or explain why he praises, etc., that it is not due to an insincere motive, etc., and perhaps reassure you. Or he could say, hey, you're right, I am overpraising you. This is because I was never praised as a child. Or whatever. (Or he probably wouldn't give details of his past but would just acknowledge the countertransference is occurring.)

When my T gets some countertransference going on, he acknowledges it to me, names it, etc., to make sure we both know what is going on. By acknowledging it like that, the countertransference becomes somehow disarmed.

Could you just be forthright with him to help clarify things? Possibly he doesn't know what is going on simply because he doesn't know (or because that is not what is going on), not because he is actively refusing to recognize a part of your interaction. You could help your therapy by filling him in on what you believe is happening.

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What should I do in this case? Should I run away; should I lash out at him?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Those two options sound like opposites. How about stepping into the middle and explaining your point of view and asking for clarification in a non-judgmental way? Give him the benefit of the doubt and wait to hear his response. If you need to get angry, then do, but maybe his explanation will help remove your feeling of wanting to lash out.

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It feels as though I am being forced to confront things in a little-too-uncontrolled or unsafe a way than I am comfortable with.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">What can your T do to make it safe for you? My T sometimes asks me that. Share your ideas with him.

This sounds so hard for you. I think direct and clear communication is really important here. Best of luck.

[pachyderm]

> Could you just be forthright with him to help clarify things?

Maybe. I am getting somewhat better at it. But often I do not think of the right things to say at the time -- only later.

It is hard for me, because my mother brooked no criticism, or anything that smacked to HER of criticism. By "brooked no criticism" I mean it meant a vicious slap, deprivation of dinner, or whatever she had in mind for the moment. Sometimes she would go wild and out of control if she thought she was being "crossed" -- so yes, it is difficult for me. And she always was better at justifying herself than I was at trying to explain. She always won those battles.

[skeksi]

I understand what you're saying. It can be very helpful to bring your feelings up with him, as he may have no idea how you're perceiving his praise. I had to ask my T to dampen his enthusiasm early on, because I felt like he was faking it--it was too nice. I doubted his sincerity. I've since gotten to a point where, when I doubt his words or non-verbal communication, I can usually say it. It's hard to do, though.