peeling back the layers

**Trigger icon applied for mention of suicial ideation and some abuse.

It all feels so overwhelming right now (It = therapy, life, all of my relationships). My depression is dragging me way way down and my session yesterday was focused on how that feels. I told T it felt as though I was under a thick blanket, a fog that i couldn't cut through. I was really feeling the heaviness and so was he. We talked about about my suicidal ideation. The session traveled between analytical and practical.

I was sitting on the couch and T asked me to stand up. I sort of catapulted myself because it required a lot of energy to simply get up and we both stood. I moved around the room a bit continuing to talk. We both noticed an immediate increase in my energy level. He said that he had debated whether or not to ask me to do that but he wanted me to notice that I needed to make changes in order to fight the depression, that it takes sort of a counter action (my words) to fight it. He meant both "in the moment" action (like changing your physical position) to self care changes (like vitamins, exercise, nutrition). He said he was pushing me hard, not to annoy me (although he's really good at this-lol) but because he wants me alive.

I sink so low I scare myself and then I think I scare T too.

If depression is anger turned inward then I need to figure out the anger. I have plenty to be angry about, so how to release this? Is this the little girl who hid under a blanket when the beatings occurred? She was not allowed to express any anger.

T said I don't have to sulk; that I can be angry girl. That actually sounds appealing but I have no idea how to get there. I feel pushed down, and as though I have something big and thick to push through.

Peace.

Miss C, Yes anger and depression are hard issues to work through, but walking through them is what we have to do, there is no "pass go collect $200" option with therapy, and once your through your realise you're glad there wasn't an easy option because what you learn from this becomes one of your more important life lessons!

((((((((((((((((((( Miss C )))))))))))))))))))

I love how T SHOWED you that you can change how you are feeling, at least a little bit. I love how he thought of a way "outside of the box" to help you. It's obvious that he cares about you, hears you, is concerned, and wants to help you figure out how to push through the big, thick thing that is holding you down.

On the one hand, it scares me when T gets scared about how I am feeling. On the other hand, I know it means he cares.

((((((((((((((((((( Miss ))))))))))))))))))))))) Sending peaceful wishes and lots of

That's the question, isn't it? Is it really safe to let the anger out? When you feel like killing someone in the strongest way, for instance? Will the therapist guarantee safety? Is there no such thing as police with guns in society? Are they really your friends? Is the legal system your friend if you get out of control? Is it really?

Now I understand a lot more (I think I always did understand some) about people like the Columbine High School killers, about the latest Finnish incident, about September 11, about Marriott Hotel bombings -- some people blow up when their lives appear to have no hope and no one listens. When all the dear leaders of the world can do is condemn as evil. When mental health professionals deny that abuse or childhood trauma have anything to do with anything. When places that you go to for help censor.

Most people do not blow up. Most people give up.

Charlotte, this is such an awesome post! So your feelings of anger might be what is weighing you down? Do you feel that you can express your anger to your therapist?

Mouse said:

I beg to differ. Only T gets that option, not me.

((Pachy)) The problem for me is that I don't feel like killing any others.

earthmama:

Well, yeah, because it brings up all the unsafe times the child within endured without parental protection. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I actually called him this morning and left a message with a few things, among them the fact that I was sorry he had to go to my ugly place, that I knew it couldn't feel good at all. I mean, he was so there with me yesterday, he must not want to be with me anymore.

Sannah:

Well, that's a good way to put it. It could be the anger that feels so heavy. But it does not feel as though it is a question of whether or not I can express it to T. I don't really FEEL anger. I'm venturing out on a limb that it's there. I FEEL lost, confused, sad, self loathing, etc., etc. but I don't FEEL angry. I feel all these other things and then I feel so weighed down/almost dead.

Thanks everyone.

This is a huge, huge, huge fear of mine. I feel like T takes my hands and goes into the darkness with me. I don't want to go alone, I want US to go, I can't go there otherwise. And then later, I feel guilty - like it wasn't bad enough for me to have to endure it, I had to take him with me and make him endure it too.

I have mentioned this to T. He says he is okay, he can handle it. Your T can handle it too. If we didn't have someone to go there with us, we might not be able to DO this, you know?

For me, it usually takes going to my next appointment and experience his solid, safe, accepting presence to help me start to feel better, to let the guilt go a bit (until next time!).

((((((((((((((((( Miss C ))))))))))))))))))) Did you ask for a return phone call from him??

I am not aware of it (much) most times. Then sometimes, all of a sudden, I have this rage...

I'm sorry you are feeling bad, MissC. How are you doing today?

I like that way of putting it. I found when I was really depressed that no one thing really helped much, but a lot of little things each helped a little, and together they made a discernible difference. Maybe changing your body position, moving, etc. can be one of the little things that can help.

I had this fear very early in therapy when beginning trauma work. We were going through all my reasons for my not being able to talk to him about traumatic experiences from the past. And one of them was that I didn't want to subject him to these memories, because they were awful and yucky and he shouldn't have to hear them. They were bad enough when they happened to me, I didn't want him to be exposed to them. He responded by telling me how he knew how to take care of himself, that he had heard really terrible things from his clients over the years, such as sexual abuse, torture, battlefield injuries, etc., and he had been able to listen and come out OK. He had training in how to do this and would take care of himself. He also told me that this is a common fear of clients--fear of harming the therapist. It was very reassuring to me to hear how experienced he was with this, and how he would not be harmed by sharing my trauma with me. It was a really important discussion.

MissC, can you tell your T your fears for him and his safety? And your rejection fear? It could be really healing to talk about this.

I hope you are doing OK this weekend.

(((((((((((MissC))))))))))))
I'm having difficulty formulating a reply -- my brain is on hiatus at the moment. I just wanted you to know that I care and am thinking about you.

Miss - I've been trying to read this thread and reply for a while and i just can't seem to. but i want you to know that i care about you and am sending good thoughts your way..... same with everyone in here.

Thanks all.

I am feeling a little better. I have had some kind of flu or something this weekend, probably because my immune system was suprresed by the depression. But I increased my antidepressant a little bit and it is helping. I don't necessarily like having to do this but I think it's necessary for me to function right now.

Earthmama,

I didn't ask T for a call back because I really didn't need it. I just left him that message on Friday, because I often leave messages of "reflection" after a session. I try to keep the requests for call backs to a minimum and do this when I really need it.

You know Sunny this is a good way to put it. I told him I was afraid to tell him what I did but not why. I think I will open this up tomorrow.

I am having a little trouble integrating all the stuff from last week's sessions. I think that depression makes it more difficult to process. My brain definitely gets foggy and I wonder how productive my therapy actually is.

Peace.

I feel bad doing this sometimes too. I think that is why I often times do it indirectly via writing. That way I don't feel bad in person. Once I remember writing something to my T and in the middle of writing it I had made myself nauseous. I remember including a line like..."I'm making myself sick writing this so I'm really sorry if it makes you sick reading it."

I think this is so true. I remember when I was depressed I just couldn't think about anything in detail. My brain would just quit. Now that I am not feeling depressed I get upset, tend to get thrown off balance and into a lot of unproductive mental loops, but there seems to be a part of me that is able to step back, reminds me that I still have a pulse, it will pass, I'll figure stuff out, there is hope. When I was depressed, this part was absent.