[MissCharlotte]

Today I took a risk in therapy, I explored my longings in the therapeutic relationship. It was weird how this came up. I started my session by telling T how this weekend I missed my Mom. I said with her in heaven, it's like "look but don't touch. He asked if that was how I felt about him. I told T that is seems so unfair that I feel so attached to him, yet we don't touch.

I have a recording I listen to when I am stressed out. It's a guided imagery designed to ease the effects of PTSD. When I listen to this I see T in my mind. Sometimes I am very young in this imaginary journey and he holds my hand. Sometimes he touches my shoulder. I told T about this and he said it was an accurate reflection of how he felt about me.

It just hurts so much. Sigh.

[sunrise]

((((((((MissC))))))))

[searchingmysoul]

MissCharlotte

I have been struggling with something similar of late. There are times when my heart aches.

I hope it was comforting the support T gave to you when you spoke of it so openly.

~Searching

[chaotic13]

(((Miss C))) ...the mother topic is very difficult.

((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C )))))))))))))))))))))))))

I could feel the longing in your post. And I'm glad that T was able to tell you that what you were imagining is an accurate reflection of his feelings for you. But I know it must feel so painful to have that need that can't be fulfilled. Those huge needs we realize we have are some of the most painful things in therapy, I think.

[Lemon]

How brave of you Miss. It seems like your T responded really well. I get those longings too. I would like to be hugged and comforted and I don't have anyone in my life right now that can provide that so I daydream about a comforting hug from T. In reality I get really anxious if she even get close to me in therapy, but it's a nice daydream.

[oneinleftfield]

Sweet! I thought I was the only one. I told my T that I wished she was my mom but she is told young to be my mom so I told her that I wished she was my big sister. She has told me she loves me before. I told her I loved her too. It was weird but cool. We didn't hug or touch or anything. She isn't into physical contact with her patients. It's probably a good thing since I'd have a hard time letting her go if she hugged me.

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks all. The longing is painful. I just love him so much, it hurts. I was thinking about "the mother longing" and I realized something today. If I accept the relationship with T as real and in the now, I don't have to hurt the same way I did as a child when I needed my mom and she wasn't there.

Whew. The thing is it still hurts, but this hurt is different and although painful, it's not damaging because T IS there, whenever I need him. Wow.

[meeka]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Today I took a risk in therapy, I explored my longings in the therapeutic relationship. It was weird how this came up. I started my session by telling T how this weekend I missed my Mom. I said with her in heaven, it's like "look but don't touch. He asked if that was how I felt about him. I told T that is seems so unfair that I feel so attached to him, yet we don't touch.

I have a recording I listen to when I am stressed out. It's a guided imagery designed to ease the effects of PTSD. When I listen to this I see T in my mind. Sometimes I am very young in this imaginary journey and he holds my hand. Sometimes he touches my shoulder. I told T about this and he said it was an accurate reflection of how he felt about me.

It just hurts so much. Sigh.

Hi Miss C, I have been exploring about my longings about maternal affections too.... There is this huge, probably a 100 year old tree near my house. I imagine its aerial roots sometimes sweeping me off my feet and pulling me in a tight embrace, making everything OK and all the pain go away......... I am in a phase where I seem to have pulled out my transference, so I guess my imagination gives this feeling to my yearnings. meeka

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Whew. The thing is it still hurts, but this hurt is different and although painful, it's not damaging because T IS there, whenever I need him. Wow.

[RiverX]

By any chance, ms C, is west of the moon in Walnut Creek?
When I read your post, got some wierd responses, its the sort of thing my T would say, sort of very intuned, supportive, but respectful distance, then I realised he was of course, like this with others as well as me. ---- I've never felt jelous in my life, or rarely, but it hit me then, it came up with a ferocity! brought tears to my eyes, oh god, its such an unnacceptable emotion....... And I never experienced jelousy growing up, because there was so much unexpressed emotional pain that there was nothig to be jelous of, not in the usual sense anyway, I mean, attention did not bring comfort, not for me anyway.
So, theres something sort of on the right lines that Im feeling it now, ....... but I find it so hard to accept that I've become all needy at £100 per hour....... - what a con! oh _ _ _ _ ! I've been caught, !! ........
thats what part of me feels like, I feel excruciatingly trapped by this sometimes, like now.

Hope I didnt take over your share too much, this just brought about all these feelings, but good that its good for you ........ ouch! lol

[MissCharlotte]

Meeka,

Your tree metaphor is lovely! I'm not sure what you mean by "pulled out your transference."

I know I am IN IT deep.

[MissCharlotte]

River X,

Sorry, east coast here. LOL

I feel your jealousy and pain. I did not react the same way (the jealousy) because I refuse to believe that my relationship with him is the same as anyone else's. However, the pain of wishing for more is real.

I am the mother of three and my close relationship with one child does not negate the meaning of the relationship with another. Each is unique and special. I hope that therapeutic relationships are the same.

[RiverX]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

River X,

Sorry, east coast here. LOL

I feel your jealousy and pain. I did not react the same way (the jealousy) because I refuse to believe that my relationship with him is the same as anyone else's. However, the pain of wishing for more is real.

I am the mother of three and my close relationship with one child does not negate the meaning of the relationship with another. Each is unique and special. I hope that therapeutic relationships are the same.

Thanks, thats quite comforting, hard to get my head round the sensible thoughts at those times tho..........its strange, I have always related to people each in their own unique way, so why should this be different or feel different....??

[meeka]

Hi miss C, It happened with me that as soon as I literally figured about the transference, both maternal and paternal to my therapist, I started (still a long way to go) putting emotions where they really belong. So I alternated between intense anger to very relieving feelings of forgiveness, acceptance and understanding towards my real parent figures. It detaches me from my therapist to an extent, but there is still a bond, for a feeling of having been parented by him for a good 2 years and for the gratitude that he introduced me to this fascinating world of being able to know rather than suppress myself. Its new for me, so I don't know where this will lead, but maybe it means that my future contexts and relationships will be to an extent free from the shadow of the pain of the past ones. While this is going on, I feel sense of hopelessness, that I grew up with, a sense of unreality and even wide eyed bewilderment because it seems that all familiar contexts are changing and each moment is a new one to understand and pass...... Its not easy by any means, but my experience in the past couple of years tells me that it will pass, and I will be stronger for it.
I am guided to a good extent by my dreams and my dreams helped me understand my transference to a major extent, where I literally saw my therapist in my parent's guise.