Bonfire!

I am SO angry at T. I know it's probably in the transference, because the level of anger I feel at him is SO extreme.

I called him and asked for everything I have ever written and given to him. All about this one stupid trauma. Then I pretty much called back and DEMANDED it. He left it for me in an envelope in the kitchenette at the office and I just picked it up, brought it home, ripped it all into a million pieces and burned it in a coffee can in the backyard.

So there, T!

It is good that you know that this is transference. The anger that was never allowed to be let out when you were a child. Would have been dangerous to let out those feelings back then. I'm sure T knows this too.

One thing that you might find helpful is to write a letter to your abuser with all the colourful language you like. (Don't send it.) Make a bonfire and burn it. It is liberating.

(((((((( earthmama ))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you are struggling. Does anger at T stem from your dissociation and thinking he was your abuser the other day? I hope you feel better soon. Please take gentle care.

I don't know. It felt like a semi-psychotic moment...looking into T's brown eyes and seeing my abuser's brown eyes and actually believing, really BELIEVING for a moment that they might be the SAME PERSON?!

I seem to be getting T mixed up in my head right now with more than one of my abusers. I don't know what is going on.

Your re-remembering...very difficult, but necessary, hold on tight

(((((((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are struggling right now. I am sending you lots of hugs.

((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))

I hope you're OK.

ktgirl

well, at least you are getting your anger out.

((((((em))))))

BREATHE!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((EARTHYMAMA!))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I wish burning things would erase the bad parts of the past, but it doesn't. My entire collection of disfigured, melted GI Joes and my sister's dismembered Barbie dolls are a testament to that! And... you'll have one pissed off little sister to boot. I get pissed at my T sometimes when he asks questions that probe deeper than I would have had the guts to open up to without prompting. Damn, my T's good too---I'm pretty evasive at times, the sneaky bastard!

Just keep in mind that the past----is IN THE PAST, and therefore has no real power over you. The fear is always out of proportion to actual threat that disclosure of traumatic events and the resulting feelings actually pose. I've been saying this a lot lately, but silence is bondage; the "truth will set you free." I refuse to live as a slave to the past, and I see no shame in talking about things I had no say in to begin with.

It's a good thing for me I can't keep my damnn mouth shut, huh?

My T always offers me a cup of coffee... that usually helps. I'm a sucker for coffee though, and he knows it! Usually only the first few minutes into the distressing topic are the REALLY bad moments, but it passes. You can always bring a drawing pad to scribble on, or coloring pages and the like while you discuss things. It usually helps for some reason--prevents disassociating and stuff. Yeah, I do that sometimes when T gets his icepick out. I'm in outer space sometimes.

My T has Tinker Toys--I see my T tomorrow, and I've a little bit of anxiety. I think I'll ask him if I can play with the Tinker Toys--I want my Tinker Toy creation analyzed anyway. Every T should have Tinker Toys in their office if you ask me. Really takes the edge off. Who needs alcohol when you have Tinker Toys? Pushaw!

--your co-pilot, sam.

I realized tonight that even though I'm angry, I am sad too. Actually, I've been kind of numb, but some feelings are poking through.

The writing that I burned is something that T and I have been doing for months. He told me months ago that instead of keeping everything in my head, I could write it down, and bring it to him, and he would hold it for me, instead of me being stuck with it, and when we were ready and felt "done", we would take it out behind his office and burn it together. I noticed when I picked it up (I haven't seen any of it since giving it to him) that he had dated the pages, with the month and year. And that made me REALLY SAD....because that is something I will do on little pictures my kids do for me, and here was T, doing it on my scribbles and drawings about this ****ing TRAUMA. It's like reparenting in the worst, sickest, most depressing way.

Anyhow, it was something he was doing for me, and something that felt like "us".

And today I just went and got ALL of it and burnt it by myself in my backyard. I had e-mailed him an ANGRY e-mail and told him if he didn't give it to me today, I would quit therapy. I felt like "SO THERE, T". Like, I think I hoped it would hurt him that I was taking it all away. I sent him an e-mail last night, and told him it was MINE, not his, that I didn't trust him to hold it for me ANYMORE, that I was taking it back. Before, we were sharing the burden. Today, I just grabbed it all back for myself.

So now I've gone and ruined this thing we were doing together. I'm so sad and confused and angry and hurt and....I don't even know. I can't undo what I did, and I don't know if I want to. But it feels HORRIBLE. There was a "reason" behind it, but. But, but, but. I don't know

I have an appointment tomorrow and I did e-mail and ask him if there is even any point in me coming. He said yes, lots of points.

((((((((((((EM))))))))))))))

I hope your appt goes well tomorrow.

Breathe. Sometimes destroying something can be really cathartic... I have urges to destroy things sometimes (I think I really need a pile of out-of-date phonebooks to destroy).

Hi earthmama, it's ok, the anger that you expressed was good because you got out your feelings, didn't hurt anyone physically, didn't hurt yourself, and now are beginning to reflect on your actions. I must say, I have to relate to what you did. Today as I was cleaning my room by basically sabotoging it, I then perceded to throw out all the journal entries, pictures, notes, etc. worth 12 notebooks full of c*** because I just wanted to forget all the things that have happened in the past. I felt so mad and just wanted to feel "normal" so I tossed everything away. I know that both of us feel better, but the truth is, is that we have just burried our innermost thoughts away into the backs of our minds and have rid them physically. PM me anytime you wish. I'm here for you always through both the good and the bad times. The goal we should search for is intuition. The part where we know better and are able to be in complete control of both our minds and body.
Take care,
~dance59326

(((((((((((((((Earthmama))))))))))))))))))))

That sounds so hard. and hurtful.

I love how he said that there are "lots of points" for you to go today.

You can still have that with T. It isn't like it is lost forever. You can write and give it to him and you can both take it out behind his office and burn it together. He will always hold it for you - you know he will - but you have to allow it. You have all the control this time.

Wishing peaceful thoughts for you.....
ktgirl

I have T in 10 hours. I literally feel like I am going to throw up. I'm not sure I can GO. Too much pain.

(((((((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))) I'll be thinking of you.


BB

((( earthmama )))

It will be okay.

You and T will mend this tear in the fabric.

EM, you can't deal or process anything until it comes up so this is kind of good. I always looked at the discovery of my problems as a good thing because I knew that once I was done working through the pile then I would be much better and this is what happened. I too have brought issues out in a "destructive" way. Oh well, I was just glad that I got it out.

Let us know how your appt. goes.......

earthmama,

I hope you are okay now. I was re-reading this thread and a few things seemed so familiar to me. I remember having these episode of rage with T (that he called transferential rage). And I also remember T saying that I saw him as my abuser. This happened on more than one occasion. It took a while before I realized he was right. We unwittingly recreated interactions fron my childhood. YIKES

The only thing that really helped me was time and then reflecting and finally knowing that it WAS the transference--but it felt soooo real and I was soooo angry at him.

Be good to yourself. You deserve it.

EM it will be ok. The good news and the bad news is that you will have alot more to write him and give him and you can burn it together. Its like you flt you needed your power back and you somehow thought he had it so you showed him who was the boss. I think that can be good for T's. You dont want to make their job to easy right? You say you pay him 90 dollers an hour thats more then a doller a min when you start to feel like he isnt helping or listening you should have a big glass jar that for every min he isnt helpful he has to pay you lets say a quarter. as for the eyes when they start to trigger you bring in a pair of those glasses with the springs attached to the lenses and the eyeballs on the end and make him wear them. Dont know if this helps just trying to make u laugh.