[hangingon]

I am very frustrated about something that happened in therapy. Last week I finally opened up to my T and told her that I think she just wants me to rush through things and get rid of me. She also started her own counseling center over an hour away, so I addressed her on that saying if she is going to leave the place I see her at , then I want to start seeing someone different. I don't want to go deeper with her, then have her leave. Told her I don't want to have to do this all over again with someone after opening up.

I also addressed that I hate that she asks me every session if I had risked with someone that week. She really wants me to form a support system outside of therapy and I have a really hard time doing that because I have a hard time trusting people. I told her I would get frustrated with my self because I couldn't do that and her asking me every week made it worse. She told me we would lay off that since its bothering me so much.

Now you must know that I never open up to my T about how I am feeling at least not yet. Actually, I did one time in the form of writing for something simple, but last week when I went to T, I was already frustrated about something going on in my family so I just said the heck with it and let the previous stuff out.

Well as you can imagine, I was so nervous to see her after that session, to the point where I was going to cancel my appointment yesterday. Well I decided to go anyways. When I got there I told her I was a little uncomfortable because of what I let out in the last session. She asked if I was afraid that she would have a bad response, I said I didn't know, i just felt awkward.

Well she started the session asking me a question about my step-dad, she said you never really talk about him. I got really nervous about that because he was one of my abusers. So I only talked a little about his drinking, temper ect...nothing in detail and didn't talk about the abuse. She does know he absued me, I just don't talk about that with her yet.

Then she asked me a little later what things set me off, as far as crying because of the recent loss of my mom. I said I notice it more when I am very frustrated, or overwhelmed with things, things that I feel like I will never finish or be able to do them.

Well, after that she pulls out the support system sheet we had worked on in the past. Yes....the support system sheet.....after last session. I just went along with it. She asked me to add my siblings to it, since I talk to them even if its more superficial. I don't know why she pulled that out. I thought about it when I left, thought about how I told her it bothered me and how when I am frustrated it sets me off thinking about my mom. Then she asks me about my mom. Something I dont like to talk about because it kills me inside, She died two months ago and I still have a hard time talking about her. I started to cry some, something I did not want to do.

I am upset with her in thinking about that now.
First that she pulled out the support sheet that I just poured my heart out with her about not wanting her to ask me about it. Then brings up my mom.

I feel like she tricked me into crying and I am not happy about that. I am not happy that she went against what she said she would not do as far as talking about the support system after my last session. Ugh.....can they do that

Hangingon

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I feel like she tricked me into crying and I am not happy about that.

I don't know if it was a trick hanginon,,but feelings need to come out.

I am really impressed with your signature line...

If it was important enough for you to put it there,,it must be part of your life.

Let it work for you here too...

With care,

Lenny

[Sannah]

So you feel that she didn't listen to your wishes? I didn't pick up on any tricking you into crying? What's wrong with crying?

[hangingon]

She knows I feel very uncomfortable crying in front of her or anyone. Somtimes I will start to tear up and shut down. She always tells me to just let it out but I have a hard time doing that.

I feel like she wanted me to let some out in reference to my mom. Says I need a cartharsis. I understand that, I just feel uncomfortable with it.

I am more upset with the fact that it took a ton for me to address her about the issue she brings up in developing support systems. Its very hard for me to confront her about anything. She told me she would lay off of that for awhile since I am so bothered by it, yet, the very next session she pulls out the sheet again and starts to talk to me about it.
I feel like she didn't really listen.

Hangingon

((((((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))) I feel frustrated FOR you that she pulled that support system sheet out! I know that last time it seemed like she really heard you.

Can you ask her about this next time you see her? Remind her that you both agreed to let that go for a while? As much as SHE obviously thinks this is an important topic, it is YOUR therapy, and she needs to respect your wisdom and let you move at your pace.

((((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry your appointment was so hard.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((( hangingon ))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you had such a hard session even after you had addressed this issue with her, I agree that this is something to talk about with her. It may help to write how you feel down and give it to her.

I really think the point is whether HangingOn's T actually tricked her into crying or not-- it is that HangingOn mentioned that she feels like she was tricked. Lots of times we know one thing, but we feel another.

It wasn't a trick, but it felt like a trick, and that's what matters.

It probably feels as though she betrayed you because she knows that your comfort level is. Unfortunately, part of therapy is getting out of our comfort zone. If we were going to stay with the same barriers and resistances that we have, why waste money on therapy? It's part of the process to deal with things that we have kept locked down. It can feel really bad, I know.

Tell your T how you felt. Make this part of the process.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

It wasn't a trick, but it felt like a trick, and that's what matters.

I agree.
I don't think I have ever felt like my T had "tricked" me; but on several occasions have left therapy feeling like she deliberately used her training to aggravate/instigate me. At these times it felt like her actions were intended to deliberately harm me or attempt to make me lose it emotionally. Like is some what she gets a sick pleasure out of mentally torturing me.These feeling then make me angry. However, after I chilled out I realized that...she was probably trying to elicit a reaction, but it wasn't because she wanted to harm me...it was to help me gain insight.
Although sometimes is still feels like I am sometimes being attacked or manipulated in therapy, at least now I can step back from those feelings a little quicker and start looking for more positive alternative explanations. Even getting this far has taken me quite some time.

[hangingon]

Pink,
I appreciate how you refrained that for me. Yes, it was me who felt that way. Whether she did it deliberatly or not I don't know. The problem is by the time I go in to see her next, the past session is gone and I don't follow through with the emotions that I felt from the previous one.

I have a hard time with contfrontation, always have, I just let things slide and adventually they become history. I think.... well.... just one more thing in life to get over. I can be very passive and I hardley ever, ever show anger. Perhaps thats why I don't like confrontation because I don't know how I will react. Its not that I don't feel anger, or in my case more frustration, I internalize it rather than release it. I know thats bad but its what I have done my whole life and its sort of worked.

I would like to learn how to release it but I have always viewed people yelling, arguing ect as intrusive. I am very uncomfortable with it because thats exactly how my dad was growing up and I promised myself I would never hurt people like that. I can be particulary oversensitive to others feelings while I smother my own, thinking I can handle it better than them.
I know I need to learn to share feelings like this with my T, not the easiest, 11 months later I am still uncomfortable in therapy and she's not a bad person.

Hangingon

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I have a hard time with contfrontation,
Its not that I don't feel anger, or in my case more frustration, I internalize it rather than release it.

I would like to learn how to release it but I have always viewed people yelling, arguing ect as intrusive.

I am very uncomfortable with it because thats exactly how my dad was growing up and I promised myself I would never hurt people like that.

I can be particulary oversensitive to others feelings while I smother my own, thinking I can handle it better than them.

Hi Hangingon, confrontation doesn't have to be ugly. I guess your dad's modeling set a huge example.

So you deny your needs for others? That's a common theme for a lot of us. We grew up without our needs being met and had to meet the needs of someone else in the family. Unless we recognize this and correct it we continue the pattern.

When I started with all of this stuff I would just calmly state the problems that I had with what happened to the other person. You better believe my heart was pounding! but with practice it gets better.

[hangingon]

Sannah,
I like what you said about denying my needs for others, as I am sure lots of people on here do.
Growing up, I was the second eldest, the eldest was a boy. For the first 10 years of my life my mom and dad were alcoholics and did drugs as well. There foolishness landed us in foster homes twice. I was determined to take care of my siblings. When I was 10 my mom stopped both completely, for my dad it took alot longer. I had to take care of my younger siblings alot, from a very young age. I enjoyed it, I loved my siblings and did my best to look out for them.

I guess it's part of my nature in a sense to do that because I did it for so long. I don't look at things like that as a burden. Yet, I do deny my needs alot for others so in that sense its not healthy because I won't say anything when I am bothered, I just go on with life, while it all builds up in side.

I realize since I started therapy that is getting harder to hold things in. It's causing me took look inward much more and I am not always happy with what I see. It's making me to dang sensitive and for someone whose been strong for so long it s*cks.
Sometimes I think therapy is making me worse rather than better

Hanging on

Originally Posted by hangingon

It's making me to dang sensitive and for someone whose been strong for so long it s*cks.
Sometimes I think therapy is making me worse rather than better

Hanging on

I SO understand this. Therapy has made me aware that I HAVE needs and feelings, and it does make me so uncomfortable. I often say to my T that I am now "too sensitive" - and he always challenges me on it. We are human beings - not super humans who can just go, go, go, taking care of everyone around us, denying our own needs forever and ever and ever. We're just us.

I think it's common - even expected - to feel worse in therapy before we feel better. But there is a REASON you decided to start therapy in the first place. When I start to doubt being in therapy, I think back to where I was at when I finally picked up the phone and called a therapist for the first time. I do not want to go back to that place. This place isn't that great either, right now, but I feel like at least I am now on a journey that might lead to healing. Before I was just going deeper and deeper into the muck.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Hang in there....

[chaotic13]

Therapy has definitely given be insight into the fact that I have wants and needs....In some ways now I feel worse because I realize when I am ignoring my needs. But like earthmama.... I really don't want to go back but I worry about where I am going.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I realize since I started therapy that is getting harder to hold things in.... It's making me to dang sensitive and for someone whose been strong for so long it s*cks.
Sometimes I think therapy is making me worse rather than better

I have found some of this for me too. I have a harder time holding things in. I think it is because I am now being more authentic instead of hiding how I feel. I think before I didn't know what I was feeling a lot of the time because I was so efficient at stuffing it deep inside. I still am not completely there yet. Before I began therapy I thought of myself as being really strong. It was one of the only good things I could say about myself. I always used it as the positive cognition in EMDR. Now, I'm not so sure I am strong. I think maybe T sees me as not strong. I don't know. He has said several times my legal team views me as very fragile, and that is so opposite of how I have viewed myself. I don't know what to make of that. However, I have never felt that therapy is making me worse. That's not to say therapy has been easy, but I don't think it's made me worse in any way, e.g. less functional, more deluded, less authentic, less communicative, etc.

Originally Posted by sunrise

Before I began therapy I thought of myself as being really strong. It was one of the only good things I could say about myself. Now, I'm not so sure I am strong. I think maybe T sees me as not strong. I don't know. He has said several times my legal team views me as very fragile, and that is so opposite of how I have viewed myself. I don't know what to make of that.

I can relate to this SO much. Before therapy, my friends were CONSTANTLY holding me up as an example of someone who was really strong, had it all together, could handle any thing life threw at me. On one level I DID feel really strong, but there was this little voice inside of me that knew that my friends (and I) weren't really seeing the real me.

I think that my friends do see me as much more fragile now - at least the friends who know what is going on with me in therapy. It's hard to give up that "strong" persona...REALLY HARD...that's what kept me from going to the hospital when T wanted me to go a few weeks ago...it would be the ultimate admission of "I'm not strong".

But like sunny said, I think I am getting more in touch with my authentic Self. And she doesn't have to be strong all the time. She's been hurt, things have happened, and it just is what it is. There ARE parts of me that are fragile, and they are finally being cared for. It hurts, and it's part of probably what makes me feel like therapy sometimes makes me "worse" instead of "better" but that's just a judgement. Probably what therapy is doing is making me more "real", and in the end, I think that is what I want...and is a good thing.

[chaotic13]

Sunrise said: I don't think it's made me worse in any way, e.g. less functional, more deluded, less authentic, less communicative, etc.

I don't think therapy has made me worse in these ways either. When I mentioned worse in my previous post... I really meant was sometime I feel worse when things happen or I do things that go against what I truly want. I think I feel worse because through therapy, I've begun to see myself more.

I had a conversation with a person who has turned out to be a really good friend. We were talking about our relationships and some things that are going on in each of our lives at the moment. My friend at one point asked me if I was still seeing someone (as in going to therapy). I said yeah, but it is not really helping much because here I am still in an unfulfilling relationship and not really doing a dam thing about it. Her reply caught me off guard a bit. She said, "Well I think therapy has helped you a lot! "At least now you can sit an hold a conversation about it an not shut completely down the minute it comes up." Sometimes I am just totally clueless about how I present myself on the outside.

[hangingon]

Sun,
No.... therapy has not made me delusional, less functional ect. It's more in internal change at this point that I don't like so much. I feel weak, sometimes more depressed thinking about things that I never have before, even in reference to my emotions.

I have told her that if I open up and share certain things that I feel like I will lost it, lose control ect. She has told me that I am much stronger than I think I am. I'm not feeling as strong as I use to at the moment.

Sometimes I feel like I want to run away from everything. When I was in denial to all of this, I lacked deep relationships but still had relationships just more superficial. That was easier than all of this thats going on now. I feel like I opened a can of worms that can't be closed. Like if I run, its not going to do a dang thing for me because all of this crap is now stirred up, and if I stay, I have to open up more and not knowing how that is going to go really scares me.

Hangingon

[Sannah]

Hangingon, I like to look at it this way. While we were growing up we weren't put together the best, most functional way. We went on with life, sort of handicapped but we coped. Then it gets to a point where coping just won't do it anymore. We need to be put together correctly so that we can function efficiently and in sync. We go to therapy and in order to put ourselves back together correctly we need to do a little demolition first. Anyone who has done any remodeling knows how stressful this can be. It never feels like progress until the demolition is done. You have to expose the structure during remodeling and this is when those buried feeling come out. They have to be dealt with before a new structure can be built up around the foundation.

Once you work through it the can of worms is gone.........