[lifelesstraveled]

Happy New Year Everyone!
I am trying really hard to remain optimistic and strong during my break from T until February. I thought about what some of you said in regards to asking T to work something out, either by seeing if they offer sliding-scale fees or paying out of pocket (180/session...) or if she can call my insurance company until my coverage is effective but I dont think I can do that. I havent worked myself up to asking for what I need or want yet. I am so used to struggling when the going gets tough. The thought of having to ask for help petrifies me.

Anyways, despite the fact that I feel like I have traveled back in time over the last couple of days, there are things I have found out recently that put knots in stomach and that I can feel my anxiety levels rising and could really use some reassurance, I have been debating if I even want to go back to therapy. During my last session right before Christmas, T asked me to sit with my fears and try to figure out what they say is going happen...Well I did, and oh my, I didn't realize just how many I had. I don't even know where they came from. I don't know when or how they emerged. It's crazy! I am crazy...With all those fears how the hell have I been living??? I haven't. And I am so frustrated with myself right now. How can T possibly help someone with an entangled mess of fears that need to be counted on more than 2 hands??? I promised T and my GP I wouldn't______but I did...I have been. What is she going to think??

Then I know she could probably help me tremendously. I don't want to be stuck in this prison I've created for myself anymore. I can't do it. I feel like I am on the verge of losing my mind and myself completely if I keep on the same path I have been. I need to take another route. My parents gave life to my body, but not my spirit. I need to trust T help me cultivate my spirit and give me life, but the process to do that--essentially unlearning my self taught skills and learning healthier ones--scares the life out of me. I have to move out of so many of my comfort zones and that thought overwhelms me. But I know I need to do it.

I am still questioning the process, but I know I need T right now. My mind is going in circles now... Sorry I just needed to get some thoughts out.

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

My parents gave life to my body, but not my spirit.

I like this LLT. Good for you for taking steps to grow.

Re: the costs, does your T know the facts? I probably wouldn't ask directly either, but I probably would let my T know why I couldn't see her. Maybe she can't give a discount, but maybe she can and if she knew the facts she could offer? Or maybe she could come up with a creative way to make the wait till Feb. easier?

Sorry it's hard right now. Hang in there.

[phoenix7]

you've counted your fears and now you know them T and you can work on getting the numbers down to a more t managable level - finding out what you are afraid of is a great step although it may not feel like it - it may seem overwhelming - but until you can see whats wrong how can you work on it?

and what will your T think of you - probably that you are in a lot of pain and made a human mistake and you say you know that T can help you - then accept that help - its hard but try to be kind to yourself

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

\ T asked me to sit with my fears and try to figure out what they say is going happen...Well I did, and oh my, I didn't realize just how many I had. I don't even know where they came from. I don't know when or how they emerged. It's crazy! I am crazy...With all those fears how the hell have I been living??? I haven't. And I am so frustrated with myself right now. How can T possibly help someone with an entangled mess of fears that need to be counted on more than 2 hands??? I promised T and my GP I wouldn't______but I did...I have been. What is she going to think??


I am still questioning the process, but I know I need T right now. My mind is going in circles now... Sorry I just needed to get some thoughts out.

I thought I wouldn't SURVIVE the first few (many?) months of therapy...it was so, so, impossibly hard to begin to face all of the things I had spent my life running from, to realize that my list of fears could be counted on my fingers and toes and there would still be some left ( ), to learn to ask for and receive help, to recognize that I had BIG needs that had never ever been met....it was such an upheaval, I couldn't imagine ever feeling better.

T told me to trust the process. I asked him how going and seeing him would help with all of that, and he said that he had so much faith in the process because he had seen it work so many times. He told me he would hold onto the hope FOR me, since I couldn't do it myself.

I couldn't figure out any other options - besides continuing to live in the sort of half-alive way that I had been living and that was making me physically sick - so I just went, and forced myself to take risks and to be as honest as I could.

Things aren't perfect now, but they are already better than I ever could have imagined they would be. You will get there too. It's hard, and slow-going...but totally worth it.

((((((((((((((((((((lifelesstraveled)))))))))))))))))))))))

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by notme9

I like this LLT. Good for you for taking steps to grow.

Re: the costs, does your T know the facts? I probably wouldn't ask directly either, but I probably would let my T know why I couldn't see her. Maybe she can't give a discount, but maybe she can and if she knew the facts she could offer? Or maybe she could come up with a creative way to make the wait till Feb. easier?

Sorry it's hard right now. Hang in there.

Thanks! I'd feel like I was bothering her if she found a way to work around it until february. I don't want her to have to go out of her way---to tell you the truth, i'd feel guilty and undeserving...i think I will just wait it out.

[MissCharlotte]

((lifelesstraveled))

First of all it is really difficult to get back to T after a long break, so your wanting to stop is natural. But you can sustain the relationship by writing her letters and journaling.

Your fears are your fears. It doesn't matter how many you have, in fact just the fact that you have taken this inventory is progress. Way to go! We develop these fears when we don't have any other coping skills; when we are children.

My parents gave life to my body, but not my spirit.

Well said!

Therapy is a difficult, amazing, aweseome, painful, horrible, exhilarating process.

Hang in there.

[multipixie9]

hi, you said "what is she going to think?" about your inability to not do certain behavior. she is not going to judge you, she will just have information on how you are. she can't help what she doesn't know about.

fear hides in darkness. when i was able to begin to tell the secrets and fears and shames that i had been forced to endure and hide the Light changed things in me and for me. i am more and more free as i am more able to just call things what they are. fear loses power in the Light. i'm not trying to be all metaphysical on you, i am speaking the truth and i am talking about what i learned over a longer time than i wish it had been. "there is nothing new under the sun" is a verse in the Bible. there is nothing you can tell your T that she doesn't already know. now she will be able to help you and you will find you can get past the pain of the past.

i have hope for you. i will know that you are going to find the help you need to gain the courage to face things and get well. we've all done things that are hard to face or say to someone else. i have done things i am not proud of or happy about, but i am learning how to face, forgive and grow.

hang on, you can make it.

leslie and her pixies

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

hi, you said "what is she going to think?" about your inability to not do certain behavior. she is not going to judge you, she will just have information on how you are. she can't help what she doesn't know about.

fear hides in darkness. when i was able to begin to tell the secrets and fears and shames that i had been forced to endure and hide the Light changed things in me and for me. i am more and more free as i am more able to just call things what they are. fear loses power in the Light. i'm not trying to be all metaphysical on you, i am speaking the truth and i am talking about what i learned over a longer time than i wish it had been. "there is nothing new under the sun" is a verse in the Bible. there is nothing you can tell your T that she doesn't already know. now she will be able to help you and you will find you can get past the pain of the past.

i have hope for you. i will know that you are going to find the help you need to gain the courage to face things and get well. we've all done things that are hard to face or say to someone else. i have done things i am not proud of or happy about, but i am learning how to face, forgive and grow.

hang on, you can make it.

leslie and her pixies

Thanks for your words MultiPixieand everyone else
I will be okay.I lasted who knows how long without T before I met her. I will be fine

[02221983]

we are here to lend you our support....hope you feel better and give your T a call... she is waiting to hear from you.

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by 02221983

we are here to lend you our support....hope you feel better and give your T a call... she is waiting to hear from you.

I can't call her....well I won't. Im afraid of her...well not her... but I dont want to bother her..... I will see her in February....thanks!

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

((lifelesstraveled))

Your fears are your fears.

Damn I wish I could get my self to accept this simple statement.

LLT said: ...I feel like I have traveled back in time over the last couple of days, there are things I have found out recently that put knots in stomach and that I can feel my anxiety levels rising and could really use some reassurance,...

Boy, I have been here this break. Sometimes when you start excavating you really need the hard hat. Not having your T as a bit of a safety net is tough. Just go slow, use any tool you've learned to ground yourself, and find a way to get some of the emotions out so they don't make your head explode (music, poems, journal, drawing, exercising, etc) Just try anything.