Trigger for mention of self-injury and suicidal ideation

Okay, so far I don't like 2009. I would like to try a different year, please. Perhaps I can go back to 1989. I would be 8 years old and I would still have 19 years left with my dad.

Today, January 1st, is so hard. It marks the 4 month anniversary of his death. Every year, I would call my parents at 12am to say 'happy new year.' This year was the most empty feeling because I did not say to my mom, "Okay, now put daddy on the phone." Instead, my mom and I talked about how she never, ever thought she would start 2009 as a widow, and I never thought I would start 2009 without my father.

I am so tired of people saying, "I hope 2009 will be a good year for you. Hopefully this year will be better."

No, actually it will be worse. There is no way it could be better because at least in 2008, I had eight months with my dad. Now I have a whole year in front of me without him, the first of however many are left for the rest of my life.

I am having a terrible time tonight. H went to bed. No one that I know is available to talk. Plus it's 3:41 am. I already broke the no-cutting contract a little bit today because I couldn't take it anymore. That's what I left a message for T-- cause I broke the contract (on my wrist) while having suicidal thoughts-- not a good combination. He hasn't called back yet, but I'm not mad. He was expecting me to call later in the week, but instead, I called today. I'm sure he will get back to me.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel so empty. There is nothing I feel like doing, yet I don't feel like doing nothing.

And there is no way I'm calling a helpline-- they are completely unhelpful. I don't need to call a number so that someone can ask, "What coping skills do you think you can use so you won't hurt yourself? Can you journal? What about watch TV? Read? Do you see a therapist?" I'm not a ****ing idiot. Right now, I need a lot more than that.

I feel so unsettled; so distressed.

[Luce]

Pinksoil, I don't know what to say, but wanted to say something. I can understand why today is so very hard for you... why all those feelings are coming to a head tonight.

Take care of you this evening. In all the gentle, self-caring ways you can think of.

[mjv1208]

Sorry to hear about your Dad. I can totally relate to how you feel. I lost my Mom to an illness in July 2007 and then 5 months later my Dad was killed in a car accident. It was Dec, 10, 2007 so there was no Xmas or New Years for me last year. This year New Year's Eve was a tough night because at midnight I thought too about how I used to call my Parents at midnight to say Happy New Year. This holiday season was a real struggle too. I do know from my experience that these days in particular can seem so hopeless but the holidays pass and you feel different a day or two later. You are still sad but not as sad. Not sad to the point of feeling hopeless. I'm sure your Mom can use you now and hurting yourself would devastate her. As hard as it seems, be there for your Mom and appreciate the time you have with her. I expected to have so much time with my Dad after my Mom's passing and it was taken away so suddenly and so soon after my Mom's passing. I have so many regrets for not appreciating the time I had with my Parents more. I don't think most people understand this kind of grief unless they have been through it themselves. I know I sure didn't have a clue about grief until all this happened. I have my good days and my bad days with my grief. It's not easy but I'm sure your Father would want you to live a happy life.

[imapatient]

"I don't know what to do right now. I feel so empty. There is nothing I feel like doing, yet I don't feel like doing nothing. "

1. You could read every post I've ever made, and tell me what's wrong with me. For free; a great deal for me!

2. You could call my ex-girlfriend the stalker and harass her for me.

3. You could call my old T and convince her to see me one last time, or write a letter, or…

4. You could call the ex-GF that I wish I hadn’t broken up with who’s now married and tell her you’re having an affair with her husband, while mentioning that I’m still single.

6. You could call the cute friend of a friend who I like and tell her what great sex you got from me and how she should drive over to my place right now.

7. You could call the ex-boss who screwed me over 18 years ago and ruined my career and tell her you’re having an affair with her husband, how you get the best sex of your life from my ex-GF the stalker, how she should drive over to my ex-GF the stalker’s place and conspire to ruin my life again—double along with the stalker—and then tell the ex-GF that I wish I hadn’t broken up with that two women who were also having an affair with her husband were at the stalker’s place—while reminding her what a stud I am-- so she’ll kill the two who’ve ruined my life, and then drive over to my place to revisit the altar of sexuality known as my studio apartment.

"And there is no way I'm calling a helpline-- Right now, I need a lot more than that."

Two words: Phone sex. Kidding. I couldn't resist. But if you want to p.m. me, I’ll pay the long distance end of things………lol

I'm a night-owl. It's 3:50 am. I didn't go out last night. Too depressed. I'm going to watch a movie. That's been my self-therapy since I became super-depressed years ago. I watch gazillions of movies. It's an escape from the immediacy of painful feelings. Get lost in someone else's life for a while.

[MissCharlotte]

(((Pinksoil)))

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. Sitting with this kind of pain is so hard. Can you get a little rest and then try to watch a movie today?

Try to take care of you.

[Mouse_]

I think sannah had it right in another thread, do you think you haven't emotionaly seperated from your father? Yes loosing parents is painful but it seems you are stuck...a father, or mother would wish us to continue to live our adult life ... perhaps the cutting is trying to cut the dependent emotional connection? perhaps yoru trying to find that same dependency with T and his not quite filling the role? which of course he wont? perhaps you need to do some real deep work here on the connection with your father and then you will be able to enjoy your husband and your adult life? none of this is saying you shouldn't be griefing..but I do pick up a emotional dependency here...ok pass me the tin hat.

[kim_johnson]

i wish... i wish as a society that we didn't have these dumb ****ing rituals. birthdays. christmas. new year. did you know our calendar would go so much better (no need for a leap year) if only we based the system around the number 13 (an evil number apparently) rather than trying (and failing) to make it work around the number 12? Fed up with it, myself. Halloween... Thanksgiving... WTF???? Sure I'm used to birthdays and christmas and new year... but doesn't make things any better, really. ****ing waste... not really sure what else to say... sorry.

[ECHOES]

Milestones like holidays, birthdays, and even the start of a new year are so hard. They are glaring reminders of our loss. They don't feel good or right or familiar. Very hard, very sad. One day they will feel good and right and familiar and will include new experiences as well as wonderful memories.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by kim_johnson

i wish... i wish as a society that we didn't have these dumb ****ing rituals. birthdays. christmas. new year.

0000's are IMPORTANT, don't you know?

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Milestones like holidays, birthdays, and even the start of a new year are so hard. They are glaring reminders of our loss. They don't feel good or right or familiar.

((((((((((((((((((((pink)))))))))))))))))))))))

On my birthday this year, I grieved for my dad terribly. He always used to call me and sing "Happy Birthday" to me on my birthday, and I was remembering that the last Christmas he was alive he did it, and while he was singing I knew it was the last time I would hear it (because we knew he was dying) and it hurt so much because there was no way I could hang on to it. I wept this year, missing his voice singing that song so much.

It does seem to hit harder on "milestone days" - like birthdays or new years or whatever - because we tend to have traditions tied in with those days, and that day rolls around and the person we share the tradition with isn't here and it's like a shock to the system. It hurts.

((((((((((((((pink))))))))))))))))) Know that I am thinking about you and sending and . Please be safe.

[KUREHA]

Sorry to hear that.

I don't know what to say.
Hopefully your therapist will be in touch soon.

Yeah helplines aren't usually very helpful

[pegasus]

(((((( pinksoil )))))))

I wish things were better for you, I find it invalidating when someone else says have you tried this strategy, what about that coping mechanism. Yes, I KNOW all of them! I think sometimes we (just) need to talk, talk, talk...

I hope you get to speak with T soon.

[MissCharlotte]

((Pinksoil))

I hope you feel a teeny bit better today. I was just thinking about you and what a beautiful and strong attachment you had with your father. I don't think it's something you would want to try and replace or "get over." It was probably your lifeline when you were a kid. At some point, I hope you find the strength and love of that attachment is still in your heart. Until then, using T as the person you can connect with is probably the best idea.

Your dad sounds like he was quite a wonderful person.

Thanks, everyone, for your replies.

The thing is, it would be pretty hard not to be emotionally dependent on the person whom I was closest to. My father and I were dependent on each other. Some have said that I am "stuck," but it was only four months ago that I went out for coffee and got a phone call while in the parking lot, and found out that he was on the bathroom floor, gone forever. I'm pretty much still in the "I can't believe this happened" phase. I guess it would still be shock. What would it be like for those who are extremely close to their Ts, if their T called in the middle of your day and said that they never wanted to see you again? I am angry at my dad for leaving me; he neglected his health. People say that my father would want me to be happy and have a lovely life-- well, he's gone so he wouldn't know, would he? He is gone and he left the rest of the family to suffer.

I hope T calls soon.... just not in a good place today. I guess since it's New Year's Day there is a chance he won't call tomorrow, and I might not be able to answer because I will be at work all day.

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

Thanks, everyone, for your replies.

The thing is, it would be pretty hard not to be emotionally dependent on the person whom I was closest to. My father and I were dependent on each other. Some have said that I am "stuck," but it was only four months ago that I went out for coffee and got a phone call while in the parking lot, and found out that he was on the bathroom floor, gone forever. I'm pretty much still in the "I can't believe this happened" phase. I guess it would still be shock. What would it be like for those who are extremely close to their Ts, if their T called in the middle of your day and said that they never wanted to see you again? I am angry at my dad for leaving me; he neglected his health. People say that my father would want me to be happy and have a lovely life-- well, he's gone so he wouldn't know, would he? He is gone and he left the rest of the family to suffer.

I hope T calls soon.... just not in a good place today. I guess since it's New Year's Day there is a chance he won't call tomorrow, and I might not be able to answer because I will be at work all day.

(((((((( pinksoil ))))))))

As you know I lost my T, after 6 years, we were very close. I didn't get the phone call, I had to ring him, but at least I got to say Goodbye to him. You didn't get the chance to say goodbye to your Dad.

I grieve everyday for my T, I feel nobody understands, infact I know some who really don't understand. I have sobbed and sobbed and had to hide my pain.

But I do know that my T would have wanted me to be me, to do what we worked so hard to get to. My mentor. Your Dad would have wanted you to do well, to be that Doctor...

Grief takes as long as it takes, it's something we carry, and yes it makes me angry but I'll use that energy to keep going.

I wanted to share, to help, I'm thinking of you pinksoil.

Originally Posted by pegasus

(((((((( pinksoil ))))))))

As you know I lost my T, after 6 years, we were very close. I didn't get the phone call, I had to ring him, but at least I got to say Goodbye to him. You didn't get the chance to say goodbye to your Dad.

Thank you for understanding. Sometimes I'm not sure I would have wanted to say goodbye to my dad. To actually know that I would be losing him would be very hard. To say one last goodbye would never be enough. One more is never enough with someone you care about. However, I think about our last phone call, less than 48 hours before he died. Of course I had no idea it would be our last. Wow, the things I would have said if I had known....

I grieve everyday for my T, I feel nobody understands, infact I know some who really don't understand. I have sobbed and sobbed and had to hide my pain.

Some really don't understand the grief process. Society has a way of making sure you rush through it and "get on with your life." Places of employment (such as mine) give five days of bereavement... sure... it only takes five days to work through the loss of your father so you can get back to the point to which you can work again. I am so ****ing tired of people who give off the impression that it was quite some time ago, so it's sort of commonplace information now. It has been four ****ing months. That's nothing. What people don't understand is that everyday, for the last four months, I feel like I get kicked in the stomach, again and again, as if I am hearing the news for the first time multiple times per day.

But I do know that my T would have wanted me to be me, to do what we worked so hard to get to. My mentor. Your Dad would have wanted you to do well, to be that Doctor...

Yes, you are right about this. T and I are working a little bit on how I can still value the worth of things, even though my dad is gone. The thought of the day I graduate (in 2013!!) makes me cry already, and it's four years away. At my school (I have seen this since I graduated there with my Masters), they graduate the doctoral students by having them line up and saying their names with "doctor" in front of their names, and also state the title of their dissertations. Then they have the students sit with the faculty rather than go back to their original seats because they aren't students anymore-- they are now psychologists, at the same level as the professors. I cannot even make sense out of the fact that my father will never be able to see this. All I can say is that he died six days after I started doctoral school, so at least he got to know that I started, and I got to tell him how it was. He was the first person that I called when I got my acceptance letter, and I will never forget how he shared in my joy that day. He knew, more than anyone else, how it went so much deeper than my acceptance to school. He knew that we were celebrating because there was a time in my life in which I was so psychologically ill that I had to repeatedly drop out of community college-- and look how far I have come.

Grief takes as long as it takes, it's something we carry, and yes it makes me angry but I'll use that energy to keep going.

Thank you for pointing out that anger is an energy that keeps us going. I share this belief with you. When I can find the anger that is usually buried, and hiding, deep within my depression that means that I can engage... I can express... it certainly is an energy. Over the last 3+ years of working with T, I have been in sessions in which I was in the deepest of my depressive episodes. Sometimes, there would be glimmers of anger at him (because we all know how good I am at getting pissed off at him, lol). It was at these moments that he would engage with me through that anger, sometimes purposely pissing me off more, because he knew that's where the energy came from.

I wanted to share, to help, I'm thinking of you pinksoil.

And I am thinking of you. Grief is not limited to death. I am sorry for your loss, as well.

[TayQuincy]

When you lose a parent suddenly, it is much more difficult to cope with. With my dad, we all knew he had cancer and was dying, but with my mom, well, she died suddenly of a heart attack in her early 40's. The shock is still there whenever I think of that day. It's been 30 years. I still cry sometimes about it. It's like time stands still.

I know you feel disconnected from your father. I had a very close relationship with my dad, and since he knew he was dying and wouldn't be around to see me grow up (I was 12 when he died), he made sure to teach me how to stay connected after he was gone. I don't feel he is "gone", in fact, he has stayed in contact with me throughout the years. You might wonder if I'm psychotic, lol, but my therapists have agreed that I am not, and they also believe that my dad's spirit has communicated with me. Neither of my parents ever lived long enough to know me as an adult, or to know my children, but I know that they do know me and my children. I know that.

You can get to a place where you maintain the connection and still go on living your life, moving forward in life. You don't have to "let go" or "stay stuck". Keep him with you internally. I know it's easier said than done. It has only been 4 months since your dad died. I don't know why people think there are time limits to grieving. I still grieve at times after 30 years! I have also continued to build my life and live it. My parents are still part of my life. I still think of them and remember the things we did when I was a kid, and I feel very much loved. Love doesn't disappear. It's still there.

I know you don't want to hear about using coping skills, but healthy coping skills do help. When you cut, that is a coping skill. It's just not a healthy one, and can cause more harm than good. Are there any songs that remind you of your dad, or that you heard as a child growing up that might help you feel connected to him? Any good songs from 1989 that you associate with those times? I have a few songs that make me feel connected to my dad and I listen to them whenever I feel disconnected. It helps.

[Sannah]

This seems more than grief and I think that this is what Mouse was referring too. Pink, it seems that your dad was the only person that you were connected to until you started with your T. Your dad does sound wonderful and the relationship that you had with him probably saved your *** (besides being very fulfilling and wonderful in its own right). IMO your grieving is normal but what makes it so unbalancing is that you don't have a connection with anyone else in your life except T. I would suggest working on this area of your life so that you can gain some balance. In another thread I asked you a question about this (your feelings with other people).

When I was getting better this is what I realized pulls us back from the sanity/insanity line, having meaningful relationships with those around us (these things are more concrete and pull us out of our own heads - where we can get lost big time).

The person that I am closest to in this world is my husband. If anything ever happened to him it would throw my world into a tailspin but I would realize that I would have to make a life from what I have left.....

[hangingon]

Pink,

I wish I could just sit with you, let you put your head on my shoulder while you cry, cry, and cry more, so that you are not alone, thats what I feel most since the loss of my mom, alone.

There's really nothing you can do but go through the pain.

Just try and remember all the good memories about your dad, its not easy, but the other visual in your head is far more painful.

Remember what he taught you, remember your special times with him, but most of all remember how much he loved you and you loved him, let that love carry you, I imagine thats what he would have wanted most for you.

Hangingon

[chaotic13]

(((Pink))) I'm sorry you are still feeling to loss so intensely. I never allowed myself to miss or grieve the loss of my parents. Ignore those who say, "shouldn't you be over it already?" They are probably just emotion dodgers like me. ((Many hugs))

[Liberada]

(((((pink)))))

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

I don't know what to do right now. I feel so empty. There is nothing I feel like doing, yet I don't feel like doing nothing.

And there is no way I'm calling a helpline-- they are completely unhelpful. I don't need to call a number so that someone can ask, "What coping skills do you think you can use so you won't hurt yourself? Can you journal? What about watch TV? Read? Do you see a therapist?" I'm not a ****ing idiot. Right now, I need a lot more than that.

yeah... i second all that.... and with the helpline thing, i want to say to them OK and what's plan B?? I know all that **** already. If all that had worked i wouldn't be calling, would I?!?!

((((((pink))))))) wish i had more to offer.

Originally Posted by Sannah

This seems more than grief and I think that this is what Mouse was referring too. Pink, it seems that your dad was the only person that you were connected to until you started with your T. Your dad does sound wonderful and the relationship that you had with him probably saved your *** (besides being very fulfilling and wonderful in its own right). IMO your grieving is normal but what makes it so unbalancing is that you don't have a connection with anyone else in your life except T. I would suggest working on this area of your life so that you can gain some balance. In another thread I asked you a question about this (your feelings with other people).

It is true that my father was the person that I was most connected with. To say I don't have a connection with anyone else in my life except T seems like a pretty off base considering you wouldn't know that I have a husband and quite a few friends. I don't know why people think that my feelings are so beyond grief-- I lost the person in my life whom I was the closest to. I did not have a mother/daughter bond. My mother has been mentally ill my entire life. There is no way to balance grief when you lose the person you were closest to; the person you knew longer than anyone in your whole life-- it doesn't matter if you have 2304832 other connections-- nothing fills that hole.

The person that I am closest to in this world is my husband. If anything ever happened to him it would throw my world into a tailspin but I would realize that I would have to make a life from what I have left.....

Which I have done. I also have a very strong connection with my work and my schooling. I continue to work on my degree, form new relationships people from my doctoral cohort, be with my husband, etc. I didn't stop my life, I didn't withdraw-- but, like I said, nothing is going to fill that emptiness.

[mjv1208]

Don't pay attention to people who say or make you feel like you should be over your grief by now. It's only been 4 months! And it was a sudden lose. My Mom went into the hospital in early May and passed by July 13th. Her becoming so suddenly ill in May was a shock to everyone. Then to lose my Dad in a car accident less than 5 months later on 12/10 was an extreme shock. This was all in 2007 and I still struggle with my grief on a daily basis.

I did find a great book on grief which talks about things like not putting a time limit on your grief and deals with different grief based upon who passed and sudden passings etc. It's called "How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies" by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D.

The book debunks a lot of myths about grief that society imposes on us. Like I said before unless someone has been there they have no idea what it is like to lose a Parent. I sure had no clue. You can find the book at Borders, probably Barnes and Noble too. I know Borders website has it too. Not that a book is a total answer but it is very helpful and gave me ideas and points of view that I never thought of before.

I have found that crying is extremely helpful to me. I used to stuff it or cut myself off when I started to feel like crying but now I let it out. It's odd too because I can be having a good day and then something about them hits me and I tear up or cry fully.

Yes, the 5 day bereavement leave from work is a joke. Bottom line is there is no correct way to grieve it's a personal experience. But doing self destructive things is not going to help and probably will delay the enevitable process of going through the grief.

I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you need too. I'm learning all this as I go too and definitely am not an expert of any kind but I can relate a lot to how you feel.

[winterbaby]

Pinksoil you will feel your grief and feel it HARD for awhile. There is no way out but through, right? Just try to keep yourself safe. Try not to cut and take your emotion out on yourself, I know you have done well just keep trying. It is hard to lose a parent that you are close to. So hard. It's a damn lot of work to go through the grieving process and unfortunately there are no shortcuts. It's a road we all must travel at some point and a painful one for those of us who have felt that love and connection. My sympathies again.