[hangingon]

Trigger warning for mention of SA.......

My session last night was all over the place as usual, but somehow I seem to get more out that way.

I started off talking to T about how I left with all this stuff running through my brain after last session. I then said, I feel pretty uncomfortable being there after crying in front of you last session, she asked me if there were anything she could do to make it easier for me in times like that. I answered no, its just me.

As the session went on, we talked some about when I was around 8 years of age, I was talking about a 40 year old man who was always at our house, who use to watch us all the time. He was one of my abusers, I told my T that I went to his house sometimes as well. I was ashamed that I did. I was drawn there because even though he did horrible things to me, he treated me really well to. He gave me attention, something I never got at home. It was all very confusing, then it hit me. Why did my mom let me stay over a single mans home at 8 years of age? What mom lets her daughter do that? There was money involved, he use to give my parents money all the time. I wondered about that.

She asked me where my mom was in all of this, I said she was there but she was using at the time, I would see her do this alot, needle in hand and I hated it. I felt bad for her. I talked more about things that went on and she kept saying she was sorry. Then she looked at me and said, we need to find that little girl, little ******** who is in there and hurting. She said it a few times, I didn't know what to say, I just sat there with my head down. Then she says, we need her to feel loved.

Then she asks me, what made you want to live?......I had no words for awhile, I just sat there quiet, with my head down.........all that came to me was, I don't know, I really don't know. I said maybe it was my younger siblings. I knew they needed me.

I left the session still pondering what made me want to live......I think it's love.......I just wanted someone to love me..........kept hoping someone, somewhere would love me.......that's what kept me going....that's what keeps me going.

More than anything, I want to feel loved for once in my life. I want to be able to accept that, I have never been able to let anyone love me, yet it's the very thing I desire.

Then in my mind I began to criticize that. That the reality is, I will never be able to receive it. I am too damn afraid to let anyone get that close to me, I can't let them see this horrible side of me, the side that no one knows. I think this whole thing is impossible and sometimes I wonder why I ever try.

i'm so sorry for all you've been thru hangingon. that is really some rough stuff for a child to deal with. please know none, absolutely none of it, was your fault. you were just a child. it sounds as if you are doing tough work already with your new t. please be patient and gentle with yourself. in time you just may be able to let others in, especially t. it would be crazy not to be scared after some of the things you've gone thru. don't give up, ok?

btw, sometimes i take sam-e as a supplement to my anti-depressant and it works really well and very quickly. i saw you mentioned maybe taking that in another thread awhile back.

[phoenix7]

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((( hangingon ))))))))))))

the fact that you & T are working together is something that can give you hope...T knows you, or is coming to know you, very intimately, and you will notice doesn;t run from you screaming; on the contrary, you find compassion and patience. listen to what T tells you, even if it seems to lie on you like water drops on an impermeable surface; in time, what you hear can sink in and your pain will be better.
in the meantime you have friends here! hugs to you

[pachyderm]

(((((hanginon)))))

[madisgram]

((((hangingon)))) would you feel safe enough to print your post out of how you truly feel and give it to your T next time? it would help your T help you ,and that's what therapy is all about.
i had psychodrama in the "walnut factory",(psych ward), as i called it. i thought it was a crock at first. then it was my turn. it gave me an amazing insight of the pain i felt for the little girl inside of me. my pdoc had me close my eyes. then he said "can you see the little girl?" (me as a child) i said "yes". he asked me if i "could hold her little hand". i said "yes". he asked me what i was feeling and wanted to say to her. i said "i feel like i want to protect her. she needs me and needs to feel that she is loved." then i started bawling. my little girl in me needed to feel that she was loved. as an adult i was able to take her litle hand and assure her of that. it was so healing.
hope you'll consider this and follow up with your T. i really think you can make a breakthrough in your therapy. keep us posted, k?
i hadno idea that that little girl was in there!!!

[searchingmysoul]

((((((((((((((((((((((((hanginon))))))))))))))))))))))))

Huge safe hugs. You are not alone.

[hangingon]

Reflection,
Thank you, I am actually doing ok this past week. It's more the therapy itself that brings so much up.

In my everyday life, you would never know that I struggle. My friends have no idea, I don't tell them. They know very, very, little about my past. I am quite embarrassed about my past.

I think this is the part I hate, its like I live 2 lives. I hate pretending but the thought of letting people know what really goes on scares the crap out of me. I am always the one they come to. In my mind letting them know would make me weak.

About the part of it not being my fault. My T tells me the same thing, I try to believe her. I struggle alot with that. The reality is I never said anything. I never told anyone for a long time. If I did, maybe it would not have happened for so long.

Thanks for the hugs phoenix hugs to you as well!

Sittingatwatersedge,
Yes my T is there, she hasn't seen me scream yet lol....in fact I think I bore her, I am very relaxed. I don't show much emotion right now, just more intellectualize things but I am starting to share more with her. I imagine it's because I do feel a bit safer with her.

I sure hope things do sink in more before long

Thanks for the hugs ((((((PACHY)))))))

Madisgram,
I have heard about the little girl inside as well. At first I thought it was a crock to, in fact, I still have a hard time with it.
If I were to address her right now, it would involve more anger for being stupid and not saying things, or not trying to be better at avoiding some of the abuse.
I know my T will address the little girl more. Maybe it will sink in one of these days. Thank you for your advice, I know I really have to talk more with my T about this.

I am really glad you were able to connect with the little one in you. I am sure that was pretty scary but healing as well.

Searchingmysoul,
Thanks for the safe hugs, I can always use those kind of hugs, I think we all could use them. Safe hugs to you as well (((((((searchingmysoul))))))

Originally Posted by hangingon

More than anything, I want to feel loved for once in my life. I want to be able to accept that, I have never been able to let anyone love me, yet it's the very thing I desire.

This is THE hardest thing for me....to accept love and caring. Such a hard place to be, when it feels like that's all we really want.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[hangingon]

Yes it is Earthmama
I am so hard on myself about it because I know I play a huge part in it. It's not like people have not tried, or have not reached out. I have two friends right now who have tried hard and they don't really know my story.
I always tell them I am ok.

My T keeps telling me that its not my fault that I don't allow people to love me, its because I am afraid to because of what I have been through. Says we are going to get through this.
I want to believe her, I really do. It's just that I have been like this for so long that it seems impossible to me.

Im really sorry that you struggle with this as well, it can be very frustrating and very lonely.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Trigger warning for mention of SA.......
As the session went on, we talked some about when I was around 8 years of age, I was talking about a 40 year old man who was always at our house, who use to watch us all the time. He was one of my abusers, I told my T that I went to his house sometimes as well. I was ashamed that I did. I was drawn there because even though he did horrible things to me, he treated me really well to. He gave me attention, something I never got at home. It was all very confusing, then it hit me. Why did my mom let me stay over a single mans home at 8 years of age? What mom lets her daughter do that? There was money involved, he use to give my parents money all the time. I wondered about that.
She asked me where my mom was in all of this, I said she was there but she was using at the time. I talked more about things that went on and she kept saying she was sorry. Then she looked at me and said, we need to find that little girl, little ******** who is in there and hurting. She said it a few times, I didn't know what to say, I just sat there with my head down. Then she says, we need her to feel loved.
Then she asks me, what made you want to live?...... I left the session still pondering what made me want to live......I think it's love.......I just wanted someone to love me..........kept hoping someone, somewhere would love me.......that's what kept me going....that's what keeps me going.
More than anything, I want to feel loved for once in my life. I want to be able to accept that, I have never been able to let anyone love me, yet it's the very thing I desire.
Then in my mind I began to criticize that. That the reality is, I will never be able to receive it. I am too damn afraid to let anyone get that close to me, I can't let them see this horrible side of me, the side that no one knows. I think this whole thing is impossible and sometimes I wonder why I ever try.

hangingon i returned to your post today and need to "double dip"..hope you don't mind. one of the things i learned was that i had false beliefs about myself. this was revealed in therapy. when you state you just want to be loved, feel love by someone that is a true belief.
"I can't let them see this horrible side of me, the side that no one knows,"
you posted. what happened to you as a child was not the "horrible side of you". you were only a child! an innocent child. you were a victim of abuse. you didn't cause the abuse even if you think that is the truth. that is what i mean by a false belief.
ok just needed to say that cause your post touched my heart and stayed on my mind.
i believe you have a really good T based on what you've shared. with your T's help i do believe you will be able to grow beyond put this and discover there's a person inside you, and has always been there, that is very deserving of being loved and accepted.