I went to an AA meeting last night and something someone said when they were sharing reached down into my very core and brought up this unbearable pain and sadness. I had already been feeling kind of down, but hanging in there....but it was like, there it was, the center of my onion of pain. Now I feel like everything else I've been working on in therapy has just been a process of chipping away slowly, getting through walls and defenses, to reach this BLACK HOLE inside of me. I sobbed all the way home from AA, and woke up this morning crying.

My husband, who has experienced depression on and off, listened to me for a while....the thing is, I have A LOT I have to do, and I can't just sit in a chair under a blanket all day and cry. He told me it's hard, but it's kind of like a train starting....if I could just get up and do one thing, I might build up some momentum and be able to get through the day.

Luckily, one of my sons appeared, and I didn't want him to see me sitting there crying, so I made myself stop (a well-learned skill from childhood) and pushed everything down, and got up and got him breakfast. Now I'm trying to just keep some momentum going so I can do what I need to do today.

I don't know if I've ever felt this sad. It's like....the total ROOT of everything has suddenly been exposed. So much pain!

There is nothing I want more than to go and process some with T, just to see if it makes it a little more bearable, but of course, it's Saturday. By the time I see him on Monday, I will have probably successfully shoved all of this away. Or maybe not...I almost feel like now that I've seen it, I can't UNsee it. I don't know.

[Kiya]

(((((((((Earthmama))))))))))
Staying by your side today. Hopefully you are right about 'un-seeing it". even now as I type I can hear a train whistle blowing - sounds like you got your momentum going =) thinking of you and hoping you can stay safe and let those thoughts be there without overwhelming you.... remember, our hands are linked.... with a few other members I believe - so you're in no way alone.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))))

oooh - sounds so painful. I can almost feel your pain.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Can you try to allow the feelings to come and go? Maybe recognize the overwhelming sadness, acknowledge it, and feel it wash away like a wave on the sand. You might have to do so many times but it might be better than hanging onto it? .........
IDK - I wish I could be helpful.
Could you make an extra effort for self-care today? - music, coloring, a movie, taking a walk in nature?
Don't just try to bury it, but try to care for it by self-soothing and being good to yourself. You SO SO SO deserve goodness.
sending peaceful thoughts and a million hugs.....
kt

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

I woke up crying this morning also! I think that we work through stuff in our dreams and when we cry we are incorporating the feelings as well as the experience. These are feelings we dissociated originally. I totally understand the frustration of not being able to share with T -- that brings up a lonely feeling that we had to deal with in childhood. It's so frustrating to think: "OMG, but if I don't tell him NOW, he won't know what I am going through!" But then I realized that it's okay not to tell him every single thing -- that journaling and maybe sharing a bit from that is okay; and that it doesn't mean he isn't with me if I can't tell him everything every minute.

EM, we are here with you and T is with you in your heart.

As far as the depression--well, I am an experienced depressed person. Try to honor the experience as something your inner child had to deal with alone and now you have T and your adult self, H and us to share it with. What would the adult earthmama do if one of her kids came to her crying and couldn't cheer up?

These are all real experiences and you are working so hard.

Take gentle care.

[internettie]

Be gentle with yourself, earthmama. You could try journaling about the sadness so it doesn't get lost completely and share the journaling with T. Kind of tuck the sadness inside the journal where it can be safe. I know it's difficult to not share with T with things as they arise, but if you write it down you can still share the essence of it with T on Monday. Take very good care of you and little you this weekend.

[Mouse_]

Em, .

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))))

[searchingmysoul]

((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))

I was going to throw out journaling as an option too... While I totally get that you have to get moving today, these things get exposed and come up for a reason too. Getting it out, letting it out, crying, journaling are all ways to release some of that pain and feeling.

Not that I am great at this by any means. I'd rather stuff and move on too. But for me, stuffing just makes things come out sideways and I just feel worse in the long run.

Take care today.

I did manage to get my momentum going and made it through the day. Whew.

All of the PC hugs helped....and I am so grateful to have hands to hold that it made me tear up (again!).

I'm going to watch a movie with my oldest son and my H tonight.

I see T on Monday. Which can't get here soon enough. Tomorrow is another crazy busy day, so hopefully I can get the train rolling again.

I didn't know it was possible to feel so sad. For real.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I went to an AA meeting last night and something someone said when they were sharing reached down into my very core and brought up this unbearable pain and sadness. I had already been feeling kind of down, but hanging in there....but it was like, there it was, the center of my onion of pain. Now I feel like everything else I've been working on in therapy has just been a process of chipping away slowly, getting through walls and defenses, to reach this BLACK HOLE inside of me. I sobbed all the way home from AA, and woke up this morning crying.

My husband, who has experienced depression on and off, listened to me for a while....the thing is, I have A LOT I have to do, and I can't just sit in a chair under a blanket all day and cry. He told me it's hard, but it's kind of like a train starting....if I could just get up and do one thing, I might build up some momentum and be able to get through the day.

Luckily, one of my sons appeared, and I didn't want him to see me sitting there crying, so I made myself stop (a well-learned skill from childhood) and pushed everything down, and got up and got him breakfast. Now I'm trying to just keep some momentum going so I can do what I need to do today.

I don't know if I've ever felt this sad. It's like....the total ROOT of everything has suddenly been exposed. So much pain!

There is nothing I want more than to go and process some with T, just to see if it makes it a little more bearable, but of course, it's Saturday. By the time I see him on Monday, I will have probably successfully shoved all of this away. Or maybe not...I almost feel like now that I've seen it, I can't UNsee it. I don't know.

(((((((((((((((((((EM)))))))))))))))))))))

Awww man that sucks.
I hate having something bad happen or to be triggered by something and then have to sit on it because of XYZ whatever reason.

BUT... it also means that you were able to accomplish your daily duties and chores for yourself and your family IN SPITE OF the pain that was unwittingly triggered at the AA meeting.

That's a major strength--to be able to put a problem on the backburner when you have to deal with day to day life issues (as long as you deal with it Monday and don't stuff it).

sam

[chaotic13]

EM I am sorry that you are feeling sad. I hate when stuff triggers a lot of emotions that you just want to immediately process with T. I experienced a little episode of this week also. Luckily, I wasn't overwhelmed and I was able to express and acknowledge some of these my emotions indirectly through other means. As Miss C mentions I often have those feeling that..I have to tell my T what I am experiencing immediately, before it is distorted or repressed. I never really thought of this as a childish behavior until you wrote it in this context.

I also agree with Miss C, that our brain continues to work and process stuff as we sleep.
I'm glad EM what you are doing your best to pull yourself out of your depression. Kids are great distractors aren't they.

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((Earthmama))))))))))))))))))))))
Hoping Sunday passes in the blink of any eye for you

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I almost feel like now that I've seen it, I can't UNsee it.

I have felt that way before too. I think it is a sign of becoming more congruent. I think it's a good sign.

I don't know if I've ever felt this sad. It's like....the total ROOT of everything has suddenly been exposed. So much pain!

If you are at the total root of everything, that is huge. I think you are going to be making a lot of progress in therapy because of this. So much of therapy is getting to the root, the core. Now you are there and have seen what is there. You can now work on it with T. He's up to it. He will sit there with you and feel your pain.

What movie did you see with your son and H? I'm always looking for good ideas. My daughter and I saw Into the Wild last weekend and really liked it. Although, I think she might be older than your son.

Hang in there, EM.

[Sannah]

[sittingatwatersedge]

Dear EM, I am just now seeing your thread.

I hope all goes well with yr T today. Your appointment is right on time!!

[kittykins9]

Dear Earthmama,
I so know what you mean-- Some things can just trigger me into unbelievable sadness and grief. It is as though someone reaches into your soul and pulls out something so relevant, without even knowing they're doing it.
I applaud you for getting up and getting on with the things you need to do.
I'm in the midst of a huge downslope in my BP II condition, and I keep saying, "Hey, I don't have time for this!" It is so hard, but I do find that if I can go on at all, proceed with things I ordinarily do, then at least I have a sense that I'm still in some control. However doing those things is very difficult, and they take about 10 times the effort. Good for you for getting up and taking care of your son, though.
I've got two boys home with nasty flus right now, and I just keep wondering on the ironic timing of the universe given where I am. But maybe it is all to the good that people keep asking us to give to them (especially the kiddies).
I send you lots of hugs and support and you sound like you are doing so much right.

Best,
Kittykins9

[emilyjeanne]

((((((((EM)))))))))

I don't have any words of comfort. But I want you to know I'm listening and send you a hug.

[peaches100]

Earthmama,

I just read this thread, but wanted to applaud you for being able to get your momentum going at a time when you were feeling so overwhelmed. It shows that you're gaining strength, learning to sit with awful feelings, while still finding a way to get on with life. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you need to process something with t at the time it arises. I've felt that insistent urgency and feeling that it's simply too big to be alone with it. It's hard to endure. I hope your session with t goes well today.