[peaches100]

I thought I was doing so well while my t was in Argentina. On my last session before she left, I came in quite nervous, with splotches on my neck. Not just because she was going. . .but because it triggers all my other losses too. But we prepared well, with lists of coping skills, and I felt prepared when I left her office.

After she left, I started in earnest applying the coping skills and staying extremely busy, both at work and home. I purposely did not want to give myself time to think about my t being gone, or anything it triggers, because when I give attention to my feelings of fear or pain, I have a tendency to ruminate and then spiral into a bad place. So my goal was to keep myself too busy to ruminate.

For well over 2 weeks, I did well. Being very busy at work helped, and I was also involved with my congregation. My h's disability hearing also took place during my t's absence, and my h had a lithium toxicity scare, that nearly landed him in the emergency room. So there was plenty of other things to focus on. The time went by fast.

Then those niggling feelings of missing my t tried to start sneaking through. And my h's very poor health was sparking my fears of something bad happening to him. (He has ankylosing spondylitis which is fusing his spine, rapid cycling bipolar disorder, asthma, ruptured disk in his lower back, had a heart attack last year, etc.). But I increased my pace and got more determined to stay focused and not let myself feel those scary feelings.

Then, on Saturday -- the day my t was to begin her trip home from Argentina -- I broke down. I had gotten up in the morning and began the normal routine: making coffee, reading the paper, thinking about breakfast. Instead of watching TV, like my h usually does, he put in a Duffy CD on the stereo. It's a CD that I've heard several times in the past and semi-liked. I'd never given alot of attention to some of the lyrics before, but this day, I did. Toward the end of the CD, Duffy sings a song about losing somebody you love. She says,

I'm afraid to face another day
because this fear just won't go away.
In an instant, you're gone.
And I'm so afraid.

The lyrics struck something in me, but at the time, I really didn't pick up on it. Maybe my heart lurched a little, but since I'm so sensitive, it's common for me to feel emotion when I hear music. So anyway, I finished reading the paper and then jumped in the shower.

While in the shower, I began singing the chorus above. And immediately, I began crying. The tears seemed to drop out of nowhere, and each time I would try to stifle them and get control, I could feel them prodding at the back of my eyes. Then, the emotion went away, and a slow and heavy depressive mood pushed down on me and enveloped me. All morning, I felt that numb exhaustion that I've come to associate with clinical depression (a feeling I used to have every day during the worst of my depression, but which only surfaces now when I get triggered).

All weekend, I felt terrible. Even though I wasn't ruminating or thinking about losses, I could feel the depression very much physically in my body. It stayed with me all day Saturday and Sunday. I didn't have any motivation and felt sooooo tired. I slept most of both days. Monday, I finally woke up feeling better again.

What I can't understand is (1) how could a song affect me that badly? (2) once i got triggered, why did the depression stay inside me for 2 whole days, even though I wasn't dwelling on painful stuff, and (3) why did I do so well during my t's absence, only to fall apart on the day she was coming home? It seems like that would be the day I would be happy and breathe a sigh of relief.

Sometimes, I just don't understand myself. . .

[peaches100]

I also do not understand how I could be doing good one moment and then fall apart out of nowhere. Then, a day or so later, feel fine again and be unable to even find inside myself the internal pain that overwhelmed me earlier. With a thought like, "What the heck was THAT all about??" Then go about things as usual, feeling fine until WHAM!! I get triggered again. . .and then immediately fall apart once more. It's a cycle.

Feeling good
Trigger
HUGE PAIN!
Numbness
Exhaustion
Sleep it off
Then slowly, back to normal again

This happens to me over and over. One of my diagnoses is PTSD. If anyone here has it, do you experience anything like this cycle? I don't know what to do about it, or how to stop it.

[hangingon]

Peaches,
Yes, I can relate. I was also diagnosed with complex PTSD. I go through these phases as well. I do so well then WHAM I'm down. The problem is, I don't know why, I don't know what it is that triggered me. In fact it started again 2 days ago. I felt sad, wanted to cry but didn't allow myself, then last night, I start balling in bed for no reason. I hate that I can't explain it and that I don't know why. I had this happen about 2 weeks ago as well, it lasted three days, then I began to come out of it.

When I am in this state, sometimes I find myself agitated and sad. To the point where I am like whats the point. I don't want to be dealing with this the rest of my life. I feel completely alone in it. I live with 4 roomates but they have no idea, I don't share things like this with them. If I cry its in my room alone at night.

I have therapy today, I am thankful for that because of where I have been emotionally the past 2 days. Yet, I am so nervous to go there, I typically go in there saying I am fine and try to supress what I am feeling. I don't like people to see that side of me.

Some people know thier triggers....if I could just figure out what mine are, I could try to avoid them, prepare for them, whatever the need.

Hangingon

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Feeling good
Trigger
HUGE PAIN!
Numbness
Exhaustion
Sleep it off
Then slowly, back to normal again

This happens to me over and over. One of my diagnoses is PTSD. If anyone here has it, do you experience anything like this cycle? I don't know what to do about it, or how to stop it.

yup, sounds familar.
one of the things to work on with T is identifying the triggers - important - and how to deal with them. It takes time, you have to be patient. but the goal of not going into that auto response is so lovely I have to work for it. hugs to you Peaches, I know this place where you are

[sittingatwatersedge]

"what happened?!" is it all right.
yesterday afternoon I felt a big wave of sadness coming over me and what came out of my mouth was, "_____ you hurt me so badly" - I couldn't believe I said it, that wasn't at all what I thought I was upset about and now I feel like I can't even identify my emotions, which is entry level stuff and very discouraging.

[pachyderm]

Cycles, yes. What causes them, I do not know. I speculate that there is still a lot left over from childhood: a lot of expecting the worst. But it is becoming better, especially since I can live with or through the down feelings much more than I used to be able to. I accept them more, rather than trying to suppress them. That is, I had to hide the needy feelings in childhood in order to avoid more attacks. When I accept that I feel whatever I feel, and don't have to deny it as much, then it starts to get healed.

((((((((((((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Falling apart right before your therapist returns makes perfect sense to me. You "had" to hold yourself together while she was gone, because she was...gone! But now you can let yourself feel whatever you feel, and know that she will be here to care for you and help you through it. When do you see her??

And yes, that cycle you speak of is familiar to me. I'm diagnosed with (complex) PTSD. Early in therapy, it was frustrating to T and me that my big triggers/big pain almost never lined up with my therapy sessions. Something would happen and then by the time I got to therapy, I'd be back in numb/fine mode. I remember T really wishing there was some way we could magically get it all lined up, but things just happen when they happen.

As I feel safer with T, the cycle is changing a little. Or maybe I'm just more in touch with my feelings in general, so it's easier to access them while I'm with T.

Hugs to you - I hope you get to see T very soon!

[RiverX]

Theres something people get sometimes its like a backlash for 'self-activation' I dont know if this fits. If you did well, coping with all that went on, thats 'self activation', because its taking action that comes from inside you.
If you come from a background where these independent steps werent supported, or worse, in a subtle way maybe, it wasnt the expected role for you that you should be successful and competent, then you get a backlash because you've challenged the pre-supposed message, like so, you then at some level experience the abandonment/ shame that woud be implied in the original paradigm.

this is a long shot.. ??

But, also I wanted to say, that other post you wrote peaches (the spinoff one) is out of sight over the page now, I answered you in that, wanted to give you some acknowledgement/ appreciation.

r.

[madisgram]

hi peaches...
the song: association with sad feelings from your past/present
depression: avoidance behavior doesn't always work as much as we'd like it to.
falling apart when T was coming home: you had used useful techniques to keep a balance while your T was gone but, imho, you had felt vulnerable while she was gone and you knew it was finally safe to break down cause she was back.
keep in mmind, too, that you have a lot on your plate with taking care of your hubby. do u allow yourself some time just for you?
i hope you are feeling better now that your T is home. i believe you did an outstanding job of holding it together and using good coping skills even tho u felt vulnerable.