I hate this feeling.

I have been with T, twice a week, for about 15 months. In that time, we've discussed some REALLY scary stuff that happened to me. The things we've discussed are the things that I feel like I've healed from somewhat....so, intellectually, I *know* that bringing things into the light and looking at them is the right thing to do.

Plus, I LOVE T. I know he loves me, ALL of my parts. I know I can trust him, and he won't hurt or judge me. He has proven over and over again that those things are true.

But!! The one thing I can not, and have not, discussed in therapy (more than a tidbit here and there) is actually the thing that brought me to therapy in the first place...my childhood. I CAN NOT talk about it. And I know it's time. The past few weeks have been really crazy for me in my real, current life, so he and I have just been working on surviving that - but now I've made it through that and I am left with this childhood crap looking me in the face.

The little part of me is TOO SCARED TO TALK. We were told that if we ever told, we would be killed. As clear as that. "If you tell, I will kill you". Adult me knows that no one is going to kill me now - no one would have actually killed me THEN, but I was too little to understand that - but little me will NOT let me talk. Or maybe I won't let HER talk. It's this awful internal battle.

I went back and read old posts last night that I had written when I had disclosed big things to T. One disclosure in particular was so shameful and terrifying and humiliating, something I have NEVER told anyone before or since....and I read in my old post that right after telling him I felt BETTER, and relieved. He told me that he wanted to share it with me so I wouldn't be alone with it.

This childhood stuff feels so different though - it is at the core of who I am, of why I split into more than one part, of everything. Part of me knows I have to start talking about it eventually. I don't know how to avoid it anymore. But oh my gosh, I DO NOT WANT TO. If I didn't love T so much it might just make me quit therapy.

I guess I am going to go and talk about not wanting to talk. I don't WANT those painful sessions, I don't WANT little me to have to feel all of that fear, I don't WANT to go there.

My anxiety level is sky high.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Your insight and strength always impresses me so much.
But I know sometimes being strong can be a burden for you.

It is good that you know what you need to do, and I hope you know it is completely normal to be afraid. You will be brave when you are ready to be brave, and remember it is not brave, if you are not afraid.

Can you try not to think about it??.....there is nothing you can do about it today, or tomorrow. Try to reassure 'little you' that she is safe and will not have to talk about ANYTHING this weekend. Keep reminding yourself of how wonderful and understanding T is.....and that you do not have to do this by yourself.......and that he will always be there for you to care for you and help you.

T WILL HELP YOU THROUGH THIS....when it is time. And not before the right time. Try to make 'little you' realize that SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS ALONE, like she did before.

I wish I could say something to be more helpful....but know you are in my thoughts and you have my support, and lots of hugs....

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

While reading your post two things struck me. First, your description of the ebb and flow of therapy is spot on. Sometimes we are hanging onto T for support and sometimes we are archeologists of ourselves. Nice job. I have also felt frightened while moving from one mode to the other, sort of "knowing" that there is hard work ahead and it will hurt inside.

Now, it appears that T has been super supportive during this difficult time while you negotiate your health issues. I was thinking that you need to have a frank conversation with little earthmama about how you know she is scared. You can validate her experience and at the same time parent her by telling her that sometimes people do not always behave the way they should and don't tell the truth--that they frighten children but that you and T are there to keep her safe now and she doesn't have to worry. You can put this in letter form and read it. Just tell her everything you would tell your own child who had this frightening experience. Then, maybe you can use the letter to start off with T?

Anyway it was just a thought. I just know from my own experience that the more I validate my child self, the better my whole self feels. I am so sorry you are so anxious. Don't forget to use the klonopin as well.

Safe gentle hugs.

This is an e-mail I wrote to T this morning that I am not going to send, because I know it will make me spiral all weekend. If I am feeling brave, I will bring it on Monday to my appt... Some of it will make no sense, but. Oh well.

Hi T

I woke up anxious again this morning, and I think I know why.

In all of these months of therapy, I feel like I've successfully avoided really talking very much about my childhood. I feel like I've made big progress inside about the things we HAVE talked about, and that makes me know that talking is the right thing to do. My childhood is what brought me to therapy in the first place - I never thought we'd be talking about X and Y, ever.

I think that's part of why I can't let young me be with you....I don't want her to TALK. It sucks.

And the dream - "let go of the rope" - I think part of why that make me so anxious is because I think "letting go of the rope" is a little bit about letting go of the secrets and the pain and fear that is attached to them. Everything about who I am, deep inside, is a result of my childhood. I don't want to look at the dark, scared, empty parts of me. Looking at them feels TOO SCARY. I don't want to hang on to the rope, at all...but letting go of it feels like it might be even scarier. What if the rope is what is holding me together in one piece?? What if the rope is keeping me tethered to the here and now? What if I just drift away?

I don't know if i can't talk because I was told so many times "If you tell, I will kill you". I KNOW, intellectually, no one will kill me now. Although this irrational part of me is like "well, maybe SHE won't kill me, but maybe GOD will - like I'll be hit by a bus or fall down the stairs or something" I know it sounds stupid, but it's a real fear. It scares me.

And the weird thing is I LOVE you and I TRUST you and I STILL can't make myself open my mouth and start talking about it. I don't want you to see little me and her pain and fear. I don't even know why really.

I think sometimes in session when I want you to tell me a story....I don't know if it is a way to avoid talking or a way to help little me feel safe. Or both. Honestly, if I didn't love you so much, I almost think I'd quit therapy at this point.

It's crazy - I look back at old things I wrote when I "talked" about things, and I know that even though it's scary, you help me, and I know it's the right thing to do. Why can't I apply that knowledge to this?

My anxiety level is WAY too high for 6:30 in the morning. I don't want to have the feelings I get when I open things up in therapy and then have to wait days and days to see you again. I remember early in therapy telling you that I just wanted 40 hours straight of appointments so I could just talk and feel and be helped and not be left on my own to deal with the crap that comes up. That's how I feel now. Like, I don't know if I can DO this.

Whew. I guess that's where I'm at. I am, of course, scared that you are going to change things on me now, even though you've SHOWN me that you won't do that.

I guess I am writing this because it's stuff I'm too scared to say in session. I hope I don't regret sending this.

Thankfully, I'm busy, busy, busy until Monday night. Yay for busy.

Don't forget to put turtle in the box if you go back.

Don't make me talk if I don't want to!

I don't want what you said in your message to change. I don't want you to think "well, I was proud of her YESTERDAY, but with this new information....not so much"

It feels risky to send this, but I'm going to do it.

EM

Of course, I DIDN'T send it....but I thought posting it here might help.

[kittykins9]

EM,
I totally get how hard it is to enter those scary places with a therapist, even when T is a trusted friend. That you are contemplating it, and know that it's what you must do just shows how committed you are to finding wellness and healing. Of course, that it frightens the heck out of you makes a lot of sense too. Going to the worst and most horrible places is totally panic inducing, even when you do so with someone you really care for.

I can remember years with my old T where i specifically avoided certain subjects because they just seemed too hard, or too painful. But I also know that the relief I found when I plucked up my courage and discussed them was massive. I don't want to sugar coat this-- those talks were some of the hardest I've ever had, and I didn't find automatic resolution to some of the trauma I've encountered. It was scary to be stuck in it for a few weeks (and even sometimes a few months) while I worked it through.

Can you open a discussion with T about how anxious you are about discussing it? That might be a good place to start gradually letting it into the conversation. You do know it needs to go there eventually, but maybe T would have some ideas on how to open it or control it so it doesn't get the best of you.

Sending you lots of good thoughts and hugs as you figure what is the best way to do this.

Best,
Kkins9

(((((((((earthmama)))))))))

[SpottedOwl]

(((earthmama)))

Deep, long, slow breaths.

Reading your posts reminded me of my own work with T these past few weeks. I had to make a decision, and all week I felt like I was trapped in a no-win place of anxiety. Damned if I do, damned if I don't sort of situation. I finally called T to talk to him about it, and T said I was experiencing 'existential anxiety'.

So, of course, I dove into reading about it, and trying to figure out what the heck was happening to me.

In essence, the anxiety comes from recognizing that we have a choice, and that we are responsible for our decisions. Is the choice we are making the right choice? What are the consequences associated with that choice?

It sounds like you're in a place where the issue from your childhood is forcing you to make a choice. Either you talk, and accept the path of having talked, or you choose not to talk and you accept the path of having stayed silent.

All week, as I struggled with my decision, I would repeat to myself. 'I have a choice', and 'I accept responsibility for my choice'. Somehow that helped my anxiety reduce and get to a manageable level. It was *really* hard, but now that my choice is made, the anxiety is gone.

I don't know if that helps. If not, just take some long-distance support!

[darkrunner]

Earthmama,
I just wanted to say that I very much liked your email to T. I read through it several times. It is an honest brave letter. I would like to encourage you to give it to him.
I understand that causes some anxiety for you. But try to pay attention t your 'wise mind' that tells you that T will not abandon you or think any less of you, and esp that he will never make you do anything you aren't ready to do.

Remember when you sent that email to T last week and you were all freaked out because you felt like you might have violated a boundary? You described to us how big you spoke to little you, and comforted her and re-assured her about the situation. Could you possibly do that again with this situation?

[nowheretorun]

((EM))) breathe, you can make it .. sometimes we are in a very scary place and it feels like forward movement is that one step that takes us over the edge, but when we stop and look back at it, the path has not crumbled behind us, so, i think we can go with our own inner instinct about matters if our goal is what we believe is the healthiest one for ourselves.. it hs taken you much time to develop this instinct and it has led you to this place you are in now.. a good captain would say hold the wheel

[Simcha]

((((((((((((((((((EARTHY))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't think your T is going to abandon you.

Have you started journaling?
I started mine!
--sam--

[phoenix7]

(((Earthmama)))

maybe its time to tell..... maybe things will be better for it ... its terrifying.... but your T is wonderful and he will help you through it - talk if you need to - dont if you dont - take care of you and little earthmama - the time will come when its right and you feel you can face the darkness - with T there to support and help you - memories are pain and pain needs to be set free - especially if its been held inside for so long - you will know when the time is right - thinking of you P7

[Simcha]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((EM)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

How are you Earthy?

-Sam

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear, dear EM.....

the fact that it is pressing on you to talk about it may be an indication that you can do it... now that you have established such wonderful safety with yr T, let T figure out how to approach the subject.
I have an area that's secured with tall walls and barbed wire and big signs saying, private!!! keep out!!! she knows it's there, and now that I think of it, she does stroll by it now and then, just to sort of establish herself in the neighborhood - and I don't feel threatened by that.

take your time, let T help - this is where the training and skill come in. And remember, you are very loved.

[nowheretorun]

((EM))) sending positive healing vibes to you and a prayer.. i know this is very hard.. take your time and breathe... reflect and love..... let us know how you are doing... we care

[Sannah]

EM, I hope you give that message to T!

We had a 90 min. appt. It was scary. I don't remember a huge part of it and he said it was okay and I told him not to tell me what I told and he said I will tell myself when I am ready to hear it.

I do remember being SCARED that something bad is going to happen now. Like burrowing my face in the couch, hiding under the blanket, shaking kind of scared. I remember T pulling me back finally, saying "you are a mom,you are here, you have a grown up you who is powerful, you are a friend, etc." We fought about something at some point. It was the craziest session- I remember bits and pieces.

I told him the name of my youngest part. He smiled and repeated it. He told me that he loves me and all of my parts very much and that no matter what I tell him, that can't change. He said that bad things won't happen if I tell - that was a lie that I was told.

I feel dizzy and spinny. Not spiraly, just dizzy. T said these will be hard sessions and we have to figure out a way to be gentle. I told him I just want to quit therapy. He said something like "that's not an option" - but not in a mean way. I know he just meant "I don't think going off with all of this half done is a good idea". I know he's right.

He said we will integrate the parts of me. I told him I don't even know if I WANT that. It's kind of safe this way, except when things start bleeding over.

AA tonight. Funeral tomorrow. Too much too much too much

[Simcha]

((((((((((((((((((EM))))))))))))))))))))

You'll be okay. Many people feel the same way in their sadness. Now is the time to bond with them.

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

T and I have talked about integration as well. It's okay. It's scary when we reveal the injured/hurt/frightened child parts. But you trust T and he is taking such good care of you. You two are doing amazing work together.

Take gentle care.

[hangingon]

Earthmama,
Your T sounds wonderful, he sounds very caring.
Your doing a good job and it is ok to be sad. Your probably going to go through alot of different feelings for a while as you deal with this death. It's ok to feel them. It's ok to have bad days.
Hugs
Hangingon

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))))))))))))

wow you did good in your session.
And your T is rock solid there for you.
and us too - we love you!!!!!

[Sannah]

EM, good work! I am sorry that it has to be so hard. It will be easier after you integrate, though. You will be much stronger. It is hard to go through life divided up. I'll bet what you are saying is that you don't want to go through the pain of integrating though (letting those little parts be heard). Again, I am so sorry that it has to hurt so much ........