[sittingatwatersedge]

from a recent PC post ... >>> am definitely catching myself using his self-disclosure to avoid talking about my own stuff. I DO NOT like to talk about childhood things, and I barely have in 15 months of therapy, and when I feel myself start to thing about those things I'll suddenly ask him "where did that picture on your wall come from?" or whatever. I've just noticed myself doing that lately. I think we've finally got down to the meat of what I don't want to talk about in therapy and I spend a lot of therapy doing a "look over there!!!" kind of thing to distract us both from that possible topic. <<<

I was wondering what the T's reaction to this is? Sometmes I ask "deflective" questions too (how was your Christmas, did you have the familiy in etc - she has never rejected my question, but is it what we are there for?). I keep wondering when she's going to call me on it, but she doesn't. does anyone else do this "deflecting" thing? Maybe everyone does it? and how does T react?

[Mouse_]

I've been with T over 5yrs now and spent the first yr talking about "other" people and even now I can avoid talking about me and my feelings in any real sense and T just lets me go where I am going because even out of deflection we can arrive . Even out of looking "over there" we can reach someplace "here". I have often wondered how in the hell my T has the patience like she does. BUT then its that sense of her complete acceptence of where I am in any moment that helps lead me on to more deeper places.

[MissCharlotte]

Sitting, I think we all deflect both consciously and unconsciously. It depends on the moment, the given atmosphere in the room and how charged it is, as to whether T will interrupt or redirect.

I have been with T a bit over 2 years now. Like Mouse I also spent the first year talking about other people. (My son was in crisis at the time.) I distinctly remember one day T saying to me, "You don't like to talk about yourself, do you?" And I was very uncomfortable, squirming and thinking, "what the hell is he talking about?"

Yes, he leads me deeper and deeper but only in amounts I can handle. Right now I am on a plateau because of a crash of depression-but I feel I might be coming out of it.

What I have learned is that every session can't be an intense session or one where I leave thinking, AHA! The journey deeper into the psyche is one to be taken with caution and care. So, I guess sometimes we need to avoid and deflect. Trust the process--we hear that over and over but it' s so true.

[my3sns]

I think to some extent we probably all do this at some time or another. I know for me i did ok talking initially, but thats all it was ...talking... i didnt have any emotional attachment to the words. Thats when i started to deflect , when the T would get me with questions like .. How did that make you feel? I still find myself deflecting after 3 years in T now , but typically i do it by making a joke or something like that. Normally my T doesnt call me on it per se , i think that she recognizes the fact that i need to do it because things are getting overwhelming. She will usually let me go off topic for a little whil;e , then bring the conversation back a few minutes later.( just enough time for me to feel safe again)

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

What I have learned is that every session can't be an intense session or one where I leave thinking, AHA! The journey deeper into the psyche is one to be taken with caution and care. So, I guess sometimes we need to avoid and deflect. Trust the process--we hear that over and over but it' s so true.

Miss C, thank you for this excellent thought.
trust.... ah if I only had it, I might not be seeing T atall, atall......

[sunrise]

Sometmes I ask "deflective" questions too (how was your Christmas, did you have the familiy in etc - she has never rejected my question, but is it what we are there for?). I keep wondering when she's going to call me on it, but she doesn't.

I don't think she needs to call you on it because there's nothing wrong with what you're doing. When you change the topic like that, it shows you are not yet ready to have that discussion. T is wise not to pressure you. I remember when I first started with my T, I told him the first day why I was there--in a bad marriage, unable to move forward, stuck. Then we didn't talk about this for about 5 more sessions and I found myself talking about it a little, but then it got to be too much, and I announced point blank, "I don't want to talk about this anymore," and totally changed the subject. T didn't bat an eye. He's not going anywhere, he can wait until I'm ready. It's about me, not about him.

I also think that questions to your T like "how was your Christmas?" may serve an unconscious desire to build the relationship and build more trust. Her sharing details from her life helps build reciprocity in the relationship, makes it seem more real, and helps level the playing field (reduce power imbalance). It's all good--keep asking her questions. And talk about the tough stuff when you are ready.

The times when my T would "call me" on deflections were not really deflections but what he called minimizations. Like I would be telling him some abusive thing that happened and he would not allow me to minimize it/make light of it. He would get angry even if I tried to somehow justify other's not-OK behavior. That was actually really useful to me--I didn't realize I was minimizing or that others' actions were abusive. Took me a long time to figure all that out, but his refusal to let me minimize really helped.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I was wondering what the T's reaction to this is? Sometmes I ask "deflective" questions too (how was your Christmas, did you have the familiy in etc - she has never rejected my question, but is it what we are there for?). I keep wondering when she's going to call me on it, but she doesn't. does anyone else do this "deflecting" thing? Maybe everyone does it? and how does T react?

Haha! Yes, I do this. He knows I do this. Eventually he redirects but he also sees this as a way of building trust and therapeutic bonding if that makes sense.

I have anxiety over certain things, and that is absolutely NORMAL he says. On one subject in particular, he told me he won't pester me on it we'll discuss it in due time. Your T is probably very aware of this, and is quite patient like mine is. There is no hurry.

When you are ready, you will discuss it, and it will be okay.

[brephi]

That's the thing I am afraid of -- spilling my guts. I did talk to a T last year and had a very bad experience. She was so cold and uncaring. After that disastrous visit, I decided that I would never see her again. So I continue to see my Family Nurse Practitioner in hopes that she can help me. My appointment with my FNP is later this month. In the past when I had my appts with my FNP she would ask me how things were going and all I could do would be to "break down in tears." In between tears I try to talk about what's bothering me, but I change the subject so as to not talk about the things that cause me to cry and upset me.

I know my FNP needs to know what's going on so she can help me. I just can't talk about it. I know I need help. Deep down, I think that's the reason I don't want to go to a T. I would have to talk about things in my childhood that I try to forget. I wasn't abused, but other things happened.

That's my post you're quoting

T will usually tell me a story if I ask him too. Like Mouse said, we still arrive at the right place eventually. T is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO patient. I couldn't be a T, I would be like "get on with it already!!" but he is absolutely trusting of my "inner wisdom" (he trusts that I HAVE "inner wisdom" which is amazing in itself) and he generally will let me set the pace and lead.

SOMETIMES he will force an issue a little - he did today - and, I kid you not, first I plugged my ears and then I got curious to hear what he was saying so I unplugged them a little and then when he was done I stuck my tongue out at him. I guess I've learned to be quite uncooperative when he's not following my lead

T's stories help me feel more safe. I need that, a lot. I think he gets that. And we always do end up talking about what I'm avoiding anyhow, eventually. Or so it seems...

[chaotic13]

I think I deflect a lot, especially on certain topics. I have noticed that I let a little bit out, there is a short exchange, I deflect, then either wander back and touch on things again at a later time. For me I think sometimes my deflection is necessary. It leaves me to digest little chunks of deeper issues without feeling overwhelmed. For the most part my T lets me deflect. Sometimes she first makes a point before moving on. A lot of times after the deflection she embedds a breadcrumb for me to find and journey back to when I am more willing.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

For the most part my T lets me deflect. Sometimes she first makes a point before moving on. A lot of times after the deflection she embedds a breadcrumb for me to find and journey back to when I am more willing.

this is beautiful!!! Thanks!!

[madisgram]

good question ((((satwe)))! i used to do this in therapy usually by talking about frivolous things and finally my T said, "it is up to you to direct your therapy. you need to take ownership of your therapy. i am not here to probe you with questions to try to find out what's going on with you. you need to bring up the topics that worry or bother you or we are accomplishing nothing in our sessions."
well that certainly put me on notice! i'm appreciative that he said this because he was right. i needed to get serious and utilize my session time for good reasons, jme.