Whoops - I just almost set myself up for a big old spiral!

I want to e-mail T and ask him if I died, would he come to my funeral. I guess because I just came home from a funeral, and while I was there, I was wondering who some of the other people were. John had a pdoc he has been seeing for years, and I just now wondered "was he there"?

I know that exoticflower asked her T this question and he said "no". I am trying to imagine my T's response. I asked T yesterday if anything bad was going to happen to me now that I've started telling (a HUGE HUGE fear of mine right now) and of course, he can't promise nothing bad will happen - although he did promise that if something bad DOES happen, it's not because of me telling, that that is an old lie. I told him I needed him to do something magical to make me feel better - and to be put back together and not all splintered - before I left my appt. He looked at me very seriously and said "I can't do any magic, but I CAN tell you that I care about you very much, and I love you very much". And he told me to try to remember I am a grown up and the things that are happening in my flashbacks are NOT HAPPENING NOW. I KNOW he cares about me and loves me. But would he come to my funeral? WHY DO I CARE? Do therapeutic boundaries apply to funerals? Would he NEED to come to say good bye, the way I needed to go to John's? Or would he NOT need to come?

I want to ask him, but I am afraid the answer is no. The thing is, the "no" wouldn't hurt my feelings - I kind of expect that he wouldn't go. But at the same time, I think there would be something upsetting about it. It's so hard to not ask! I had my e-mail open ready to e-mail him, and then I had an "a-ha!" moment and decided to just process it here instead.

My mind is way too busy sometimes. I think I need to find something to do RIGHT NOW to connect with the world around me, rather than ruminate on T and my funeral. Sheesh.

[pachyderm]

(EM)

Ask him in your next session, if it is still on your mind.

(((((earthmama))))))

It sounds like you're handling everything the best that could possibly be expected.

He looked at me very seriously and said "I can't do any magic, but I CAN tell you that I care about you very much, and I love you very much".

That's very special. I'm glad he can be there for you right now. Take care of yourself.

I think the crying I have done in the past 12 hours EASILY adds up to all of the crying I've done in my life up until now!

Anyhow, after realizing that I needed to get out of my head and connect with the world I'm in, I started crying AGAIN and pulled my 8 year old on my lap and told him I was feeling sad and missing my friend and asked him if he wanted to play games with me. We played Sorry and Trivial Pursuit before he couldn't take anymore (he's my aspie kid and way too wiggly and distracted to sit for very long!) and it was fun and good and we laughed and connected.

John's magic was connecting with people and loving people. At the funeral, I was kind of okay until we did this "peace be with you" thing and all hugged and greeted each other (it was a catholic service). That just did me in because it reminded me so much of John.

So, I decided to use the lessons I learned from John - love and connection - and apply them to my life right now, today. It worked - I got out of my head and had fun and bonded with my hardest-to-bond-with son.

And pachy, you're right - if I'm still thinking about the funeral question in session on Friday, I'll ask T. I may call him...I'm positive he's expecting me to call anyhow. Or maybe I'll just try to stay in the here and now and CONNECT. Maybe walls aren't all that great, when it comes right down to it.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by earthmama

So, I decided to use the lessons I learned from John - love and connection - and apply them to my life right now, today. It worked - I got out of my head and had fun and bonded with my hardest-to-bond-with son.

maybe I'll just try to stay in the here and now and CONNECT. Maybe walls aren't all that great, when it comes right down to it.

(((((((((((((((((Earthmama))))))))))))))))))

I am so so proud of you for the GOOD decisions you are making today. You should be proud of yourself.

On the practical side, T going to your funeral may be tricky because of confidentiality - what if someone wants to know how he knows you? It might put him in a difficult situation. Although with how much he cares about you, I'm sure he would want to go.

[deliquesce]

(((EM)))

you've done an amazing job of processing all of that yourself (last night? this morning? i hate our different time zones!). good on you.

although i have never asked my pdoc myself, i am fairly sure he would come to my funeral. he shared some poetry he wrote for one of his clients that passed away, which he read at that person's funeral - it was beautiful. he has told me he is scared that if i pass, he wouldn't know where to begin.

i know with my pdoc our connection is genuine and real, and it sounds the same way with you and your T. of course your life has had a deep effect on your T - he would feel the loss. i guess it would come down to individual circumstance as to whether your T attended or not, though - i know my pdoc asks and only goes if the family is ok with it.

[sunrise]

((((EM))))

I went to a funeral for a friend and his Reiki master (a therapist of sorts, or at least someone involved in the healing arts) was there and was one of the speakers. She added a lot and I benefited from hearing what she had to say. It made me feel glad she had been a part of my friend's life. I don't think it seemed unusual that she was there. We were there to celebrate my friend's life and so was she, as well as to share her experience with my friend and broaden our knowledge of who he was.

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

You have been through a lot and I am impressed with how you have handled your feelings today, transforming John's energy toward your son! Way to go sista.

I don't know what it is about this funeral thing. Why do we care? After all, we won't be there. I have a feeling that my T wouldn't go to my funeral but who knows? I have a family member who is a T and I know she has attended services for clients.

At any rate, it's how you are in the here and the now that counts and although you have suffered a great loss it feels as though you are coping.

Take gentle care.

[internettie]

My DBT T's had a patient that died (suicide) and they both went to the memorial service (the funeral was out of town) along with those of us from DBT group. It was kind of surreal to be seeing T's in that situation but I think it brought us all closer together. I would talk to your wonderful T about the question. Hugs to you.

[peaches100]

((((((Earthmama))))))

It sounds like you're doing some very good introspection. I would caution you not to ask your t if he would attend your funeral unless and until you are certain that a "No" answer would not result in hurt feelings and a spiral down. It's very possible he would say "Yes," but would a "No" cause pain and/or damage the therapeutic relationship? Important things to ask yourself.

WOW! Your t must really care about you as a person to come out and say he loves you. My t has never said that to me. In fact, once she gave me a tiny card and I noticed she signed her name, but there was no "closing" to it (such as "Love,"). It kind of hurt my feelings, although I didn't really expect her to say it (it just would have meant alot to me).

I'm sorry that I don't know who John is or what happened to him. But it sounds like he was a very special friend of yours. I'll bet you were a bright spot in his life.

Originally Posted by peaches100

WOW! Your t must really care about you as a person to come out and say he loves you.

Well, my younger parts have come right out and asked him "do you love me?" and since then, we've actually talked about it a lot - does he love me for ME, or does he love me the way Jesus loves everyone (lol - I'm not religious, but he is). He says he loves ME. I doubt he would ever just come out and say those words if I hadn't asked...but now he does remind me sometimes that he does love me.

I think you may be right, peaches, about asking about the funeral. On the one hand, I honestly try to bring up EVERYTHING that passes through my mind about the therapeutic relationship...I think that is how I grow in therapy. On the other hand, I might be setting myself up for a crazy spiral right when we're getting into the stuff I've been avoiding all this time in therapy. We JUST started talking about the childhood stuff I came to therapy for in the first place. Huh - maybe the funeral question is just a way for me to derail the talking about this childhood stuff. That just occurred to me. Darn.