Would It Be Wrong?

I had a weird problem in therapy yesterday, and I am not sure I can explain it. But I will try.

Last week, while my t was away in Argentina, I had my birthday. I don't do anything to celebrate my birthday, but t wanted to do something. So when I came for my session yesterday, she gave me a cup of herbal tea and set out a few chocolates on the table in front of me. She said, "I know you don't do anything to celebrate your birthday, so this can be a celebration of reconnecting again. It can be anything you want it to be."

I felt so grateful to her for being so nice. But since she was gone and I hadn't seen her for 3 weeks, I felt disconnected. I couldn't "feel" the celebration or the connection with her. I knew that I was in my armor, the way I get when the break between us gets too long. It's not like I was angry at her for leaving, or anything like that. But if at some point when she is gone, I feel that oh so dreaded separation pain (the feeling of missing her), then I go numb and into my armor so as not to feel it. It reminds me of too many other painful events of leaving and loss by others through the years. I'm afraid to feel what her vacations bring up for me.

So yesterday, I could not take down the armor to show the vulnerable side of me. I could not tell her I had missed her or let any of the painful feelings out that were built up in me that I pushed away (or the happy feelings that she was back). Before I left my session, I told her I felt kind of distant and it made me feel back because I don't want to be this way. Then she said something reassuring and directed it to the child part of me. I can't remember it now.

So today, I am feeling sad because my t did a nice thing for me but I could not feel it inside. I still feel like I am in my armor and disconnected, and I don't want to go another week feeling this way.

Do you think it would be wrong for me to ask my t if we can re-do our celebration next week? If she could get me a cup of tea again, and I would take the few chocolates that she gave me and bring them back in next week so we could do it over? I just feel like I missed out on something i really wanted and needed because i was too disconnected.

If I asked her, would it make me seem too demanding or entitled?

OH my gosh, I think that is SUCH a great idea, peaches. You are showing so much self-awareness, and asking for what you need!! T will be proud of you

I hope you do it

And happy belated birthday to you

Are you sure? Perhaps its exactly these feelings that you are protecting yourself and T from?

you could always ask

Peaches,
I don't know if it would be wrong to do that, but I had such a "parental" feeling when I was reading your post. I wanted to share what I thought. You acted like a child who was processing difficult feelings of anger and abandonment-- not that it is bad to be like a child. (I am one a lot of the time). But T stepped in as mom, and she did these nurturing things, and I bet she completely understood that you weren't quite ready to let her back into your heart yet. I have often found that sometimes my compassion for my own kids is highest when they are least likely to receive it well or appreciate it. Also, my kids tend to be most horribly behaved whenever we've had particularly close times together, because they feel it's safe to be angry or mad or expressive when they feel most loved. (weird huh?)

The point I think, is that T knows those feelings and the inability to attach came from your place of hurt over missing her. That you couldn't fully appreciate her nurturance right then is probably something she gets. It might be great to redo the ceremony when you can both appreciate it, but it just seems that maybe it's unnecessary too. T's give, like many good moms or dads give, without expecting a return a lot of the time. They love, so we can learn to love ourselves, and it is that skillful parenting that makes us love them, and miss them terribly when they're gone.

Just my two cents, and I think it would be good to talk about it with T, but I don't think she will view you as bad or ungrateful or anything for this.

Kkins9

this is terrific!!!! I would never have thought of it if it's a reconnection party, you could bring her a $1 plant or something.

wrong? absolutely not!!!
great idea?? absolutely yes!!

T, tea, and chocolates sound nice to me. That was pretty cool of your T. I think she would be happen to hear that you really wanted to appreciate her gift. I say go for it. Your not asking for a lot. What your asking for is a redo of the good feeling so you can better feel them.

Thank you so much everybody!

I took courage from all your comments, and I DID get bold. I asked my t if we could re-do the celebration, based on the fact that I had trouble re-connecting after her absence. She said Yes, we could re-do it.

But now that I'm close to going in for my session. . .

. . . I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!!

i JUST ABSOLUTELY CANNOT.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

I just can't get the connected feeling back.

I am numb.

Under the numb, I am hurt and angry because T's absence reminds me of all my other losses. I can't face them all. They hurt too much. So I am a mountain and a tower. I am numb and I don't care. I want to crawl in a hole. I want to tell the whole world to jump in the lake because i am strong and a rock and i don't need anybody.

Here is what I sent my t:

One step closer
One step back
Feel connection
Then the lack

Drawing nearer
Farther now
Attaching, leaving
Don't know how

Why must leaving
bring on pain?
How do I
connect again?

Why does missing
feel like dying?
Why does caring
bring on crying?

why must i
become a stone
when I've been left
too long alone?

why do i hide
behind the wall
when i want to join you
most of all?

I don't want to go on my session this week. i have to be a rock. i have to.

Wow, Peaches that was good. Can you just keep repeating in your head....what ever happens, its going to be OK.

(((((((((((((Peaches)))))))))))))))

Take a deep breathe.......
don't expect too much from yourself.
Can you go to the appt and see what happens...maybe talk to T about what is "under the numb".....
I'm sorry it is so hard.

((peaches))

Reconnecting after a break takes FOREVER for me. I think it takes a month or more. Of course I am on the slow side...

I hope your session goes well, and I think you are very brave to have asked for what you wanted.

Take gentle care.

you can do this - your T will help you - armour is good for protection but T will help you reconnect - you can do this -

my t had been away and when I went in she said so whats been happening - wow shields up - no words - disconnected - so we talked ... surface stuff till i could say that I had fallen a little to bits when I had turned up for an appointment only to find it had been cancelled - its hard - armour - shields - they protect us when we need them but they can get in the way too

I hope your next session is better - your peotry expressed the problem so clearly - I hope you and your T can work this out - your T sounds like a very nice person so im sure things will get better - take care and let us know how you go P7

I am so sorry to have disappeared from my thread for days with no reply. Three days after I last posted, I woke up with excruciating pain in my neck and shoulder. I have never had so much pain in my life and it went on for 4 day so badly. All I could do is lay in bed, rigid, gritting my teeth, and trying not to scream. I could not find any way to lay that did not hurt and could not sleep. I literally did not feel like I could endure the pain, occasionally just bawling because there was no escape from it. Even trying to sit up or go to the bathroom was agonizing. Taking advil and tylenol didn't help at all. I missed 4 days of work. The only time I got up and dressed was to go to the chiropractor and doctor.

When I went to the chiropractor, he gave me an adjustment, and told me I was having a huge spasm in my neck and shoulder. He attributed it to stress. He also did acupuncture, and some kind of neuro-emotional work that my chiro does to try to release emotions that have been repressed and stuck in the body muscles. I do not understand enough about the neuro-emotional work to believe its validity, but after doing this testing, my chiro said I had "grief" stuck in my body from an incident that happened about 4 weeks ago. He asked me if I'd had any losses that occurred about 4 weeks ago.

My heart almost stopped as I realized my t left for Argentina 4 weeks ago. Her trips always trigger memories of all my losses. That time period was also an anniversary of when a very close friend of my ended a friendship with me, which was a terrible blow I know I haven't come to grips with yet. So was all this terrible physical pain really due to the repressed, stuck emotion of grief?

I know that I purposely faced my t's trip this time with the attitude that I was going to be strong, not miss her, not let myself think about it. To just keep busy so as not to feel sad or anxious. I recall the feeling of missing her rise up once during her trip but I squelched it, thinking it was best not to even allow myself to miss her, so as not to dwell on it and spiral down. Pushing away any emotions that could prove troublesome seemed like the right thing to do to be strong and not weak or needy.

Is it possible that this determination to be a strong rock that doesn't feel anything have backfired on me? I know the emotions can affect the body, but I'm having a hard time believing that repressing emotional pain could bring out such severe, debilitating emotional pain. I admit I did go to sleep the night before the pain hit upset and thinking about my losses. But could that really be the reason for the physical pain?

I can't think of anything I've done recently to injure my neck or shoulders. I did take a fall on the ice a month ago but didn't seem to hurt me, and aside from that, I've lifed a few heavy boxes at work, but had not done so for 2 weeks by the time the pain hit me. I really had been feeling physically just fine before the pain struck me.

I also went to the emergent care center near my home, and they diagnosed cervical strain and gave me vicodin and valium, which still did not ease the pain. I ended up taking one of my husband's morphine, and "still" it did little to ease the pain.

Anyway, after spending the last 4 days on my back in bed, I am about 50% better, enough to sit and type this for a few minutes before lying back down. It's wonderful to feel even a little relief from that debilitating pain. I feel sorry for anyone with terrible chronic pain. When it is that bad and nothing helps, it feels utterly unendurable.

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know why I dropped off the edge of the earth for several days. At least I am on the mend now.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that two of my fingers are numb, and my chiro says it is a pinched nerve. I've been doing ice packs, which seem to help. Has anyone else had a pinched nerve and, if so, what helped you?

People are not rocks.

When you don't let yourself feel your real emotions, the body may express them for you, such as through pain or other physical problems. The mind and heart and body are all connected. That does sound painful, and I hope you feel better soon.

It is ok to feel what you feel, and ok to ask for what you want or need.

(((((((((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))))))))

Ouch! I hope you feel better!!!

Physical symptoms are what led me to T in the first place, so I absolutely believe that suppressing and denying our feelings can lead to physical symptoms...

As for the pinched nerve - my H had that, complete with the numb fingers - and he was able to take care of it with chiropractic.

Take care of you!

peaches, ouch, that sounds painful! I hope your sessions with the chiropractor are helping you. I'm curious how the chiropractor knew it was grief, and not another emotion--anxiety perhaps? What was it about your injury that said "grief"?

I hope you can share this with your T. I do think physical complaints can stem from emotional issues. I hope your T is due back soon.

I sure have appreciated all the support and good words from everybody here! It gives me warm fuzzies.

Well. . .I had my session Wednesday, and my t brought us both a cup of tea into her office, along with some thin, windmill shaped cookies. For some reason, I'm thinking they are made in Holland. Anyway, we didn't really talk about the session being a celebration. But it felt nice. Since I missed my session last week, due to my painful neck/shoulder incident, I thought my t would have forgotten that I asked if we could "do it over." But she did not forget.

Since I'd only seen her 1 time in February because of her trip to Argentina and my illness, the session was pretty much a "catching up" session. We talked about how my husband got denied disability for the 2nd time. He got denied 3 weeks after the hearing. I thought he'd get it this time, but NOPE. It feels very unfair, and I am trying not to think about it because it makes me feel and . We've called a few lawyers to see if they would pick up our case, but once they heard it had already reached the hearing stage and was denied, they didn't want anything to do with it. I'm not sure what we're going to do. My h will have to continue some kind of work or we will not be able to pay the bills. My income doesn't quite cover all our expenses.

The session went well, and my t is so gentle with me. But I feel so bad that I have such trouble with her trips, that I disconnect emotionally because of it, and that it is then hard to feel reconnected. I told her it feels like I can't win because if I (1) shut off my feelings about her absence and all the past abandonment issues that it triggers from my past, then I go numb and disconnect from her. But if I (2) allow myself to miss her and feel all the abandonment pain tied up with my past issues that it raises up, I spiral down, feeling separation pain, followed by anger, depression, and then I disconnect from her too. So either way, I disconnect when she takes a long trip. I told her I don't know what to do to fix that. She said she didn't know either. That kind of scared me because, well, aren't they supposed to know how to fix everything? (Just kidding)

Since I have such trouble accessing my emotions (internal pain) about my issues, I write alot about it by means of emails, poems, and such. Yesterday, I created a "picture story" from some pictures I found on a royalty free photo Web site. It shows how I feel about what happened to me as a child, and how that affects my feelings about myself and my inability to connect with others. I want so badly to share it here but do not know how to. It is a Word file with pictures imbedded (jpegs I think). Is there any way to do that? I have the Word file on my C: drive and not on any Web site, so I can't link to it. Is there any other way???

Yesterday, I had my yearly appt with my pdoc. It's always a short visit, 20 minutes or so, so he knows justs the very basic gist of my issues. We mostly discussed my meds and he wrote me updated prescriptions. Then he asked me if I had any questions or concerns I'd like to talk about. I'm posting part of my followup email to my t, so I don't have to retype it.

One thing I told Dr. W that bothers me is that I sense that I have loads of emotional pain, but it feels buried deep inside me, where I cannot access it. I have trouble finding them or feeling them. Most of the time, I am living in my head and don't feel any emotional pain. At those times, if I did not know better, I would say that I do not have any mental or emotional issues at all, or any pain in me. But on the rare occasions where I truly access my deep pain, it feels powerful and terrifying. Instead of being able to feel it and get through it to the other side, I become scared and overwhelmed, or just shut down and feel numb.

I told him I feel bad when I do this because I go forward for a little while, but then two steps back. Dr. Wamboldt told me that therapy is a long, hard process. He said healing is not a straight line up. He drew me a zigzag picture of up and down lines, where each up is just a little bit higher, and he said that is how healing works.

I also talked to Dr. Wt about dissociation. I told him how I get spacy and forgetful under stress. I told him that sometimes I think that I am feeling completely fine emotionally, but then all of a sudden, I realize I am NOT fine. Or how I am not always in touch with my body (like yesterday, Dave pointed out several bruises on my thighs that I did not know I had and have no idea how I even got.) I also said it feels like there are parts of me that I don't know well or can't get to, and that I am afraid to know about. I told him that I understood that dissociation exists on a continuum, but I asked him when is it actually considered pathological? He said whenever it interferes with my normal life.

Then Dr. W asked me, "What has R (my t) told you about the dissociation?" I said we had discussed it and decided I was somewhere about halfway between a normal person and someone with DID. I told Dr. W that my t had also encouraged me to learn as much asbout these different parts of myself, as it will lead toward healing. Dr. W asked me if I agreed with this? I told him "Yes, I agree, but it scares me." He asked me what was scary about it? I told him: "I'm afraid I have been guarded so long, and have pushed away so much of myself, that I am afraid to find out what is there. Then he gave me a long, hard look and said, "Fair enough. Fair enough. You're right. IT IS scary."

I told Dr. W I feel bad sometimes that I take so long to move forward (I've been in t for 10 years). He told me that therapy is long, hard work. He said I am struggling with many of the same things I was a year ago when he saw me. But he is happy that I keep going and have not given up. He said he believes my therapy with my t is working because every year when he sees me, I look just a little bit brigher, a little healthier. He said I need to come back to see him in a year, and that I can always come in sooner if I need to talk to him about something. But he said that I am in good hands with my t.

I apologize if this email is rather long and boring. I like to hear details about other people's therapy sessions, but I know it aggravates some people.

I also want to apologize for the times when I've started a thread and it got so long that I gave up in replying back to everyone who replied to me. I appreciate it so much when people reply, each and every person who reaches out to do that. But sometimes when the threads get long, I start to worry that it will feel like "old news" to people if I keep it going on and on until I've replied to everybody. Especially when other people have brought up more recent, serious threads. What's the right way to handle this? I don't want anybody to feel like I don't appreciate their posts. I DO!

Because it is so very hard for me to connect with people in my real life, I appreciate this community as a way that I can be connect from what feels like a "safe distance." I am so glad to be a part of this community.

peaches

thanks for this post. Too many boings to mention them, you have said a lot here. It's wonderful hearing from you

You might ask on the Feedback & Technical Support forum about that. I doubt you could use a Word file, but maybe you could set up a blog here on PC, with pictures and all. I do not have a blog so I don't really know.

Your T and your Pdoc both seem very good to me.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Peaches)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am glad you are part of this community too!!!

Yes, I believe there is a way. When you go to make a post, there are a bunch of little symbols above the text box you type your words into. Click on the one with the paper clip (next to the smiley face), and then browse to the file on your computer. Then click on upload and the file should become attached to your post. I've never done that on this PC board, but on the previous one PC was at, I did it and it worked. I hope you will try it so we can see if it works. Plus, your photo essay sounds really neat.

You only see your pdoc once a year?

Quote:

I apologize if this email is rather long and boring. I like to hear details about other people's therapy sessions, but I know it aggravates some people.

Peaches, on a message board, people don't need to get aggravated. They can just choose not to read your post. It's OK if you want to post about your therapy. Those of us who are interested will read and those of us who aren't will not read. It's OK. Post away! (You have to remember that the person sending you this opinion is known for being extremely wordy and posting blow by blow descriptions of her therapy sessions. )

Quote:

What's the right way to handle this? I don't want anybody to feel like I don't appreciate their posts. I DO!

You can use the litttle "thanks for this" button at the bottom of each person's post if you don't want to respond individually. That's really nice too because sometimes I want to respond to thank someone, but don't want my thread to get bumped up to the top of the forum. Using the "thanks" button does not bump your post to the top.