holy crap

Feb 24, 2009, 07:51 PM

Ok, so I had T today. We "slowed down".

And then this afternoon....I just LOST IT. I got SO crazy, my AUTISTIC son said "wow, mom is overwhelmed and her personality changed!" (which as an aside, I thought was quite insightful of him). I was impulsive and loud and just crazy.

And I did something very, very, very self-abusive. I can't even write here what it was, I am so ashamed. It was impulsive and stupid, and nothing like anything I've ever done before. I can't believe myself that I did it...but I was like a runaway train or something. It wasn't normal self-abuse - cutting, or eating disorder stuff, or substance use- it was way, way, way above and beyond anything I've ever even CONSIDERED doing. It was, literally, crazy.

I called T and told him what I did. He called and left me a very stern message. I think he might be mad at me...I don't know, he's probably not. He thinks I am doing anything I can do get the focus off of the childhood stuff, and saying "look at me, look how crazy I am, we need to focus on THIS". He's probably right.

His message scared me a little. I'm sure he is just concerned and wants me to STOP. He sounded SO serious. He said his feelings about me haven't changed....and he said that if it is not time to talk about childhood stuff it's not time. He got very serious about breathing and getting grounded. He was going to call me tomorrow because H is out of town, but I had told him, when I called to tell him what I did, not to. He said to call him tomorrow - NOT tonight while I am in this place I'm in - to tell him if I want him to call. He said if I said not to call, he would NOT call, and that if I say to call, he WILL call.

This is by far, BY SO VERY FAR, the craziest, stupidest thing that I've done since starting therapy. No one was hurt but me. I literally can't believe what I did.

T said he doesn't hate me, his feelings are the same, etc. But wow, he sounded really stern. That was scary.

I am shaking while I type this. Obviously childhood stuff has thrown me into a really, really, REALLY crazy place. I want T to be PROUD of me, and I SO blew it.

I really don't know if this **** is worth it sometimes.

sittingatwatersedge · Feb 24, 2009, 07:54 PM

I love you, earthmama.

MissCharlotte · Feb 24, 2009, 07:58 PM

(((((((((earthmama))))))))

I guess when our wounds are opened up something inside goes haywire and we get confused between then and now.

You are now. Take care of earthmama.

phoenix7 · Feb 24, 2009, 07:58 PM

((((Earthmama))))

I dont think your T is mad at you I think he is concerned

slow down - take a breath - open your windows and let the fresh air in - I dont know what you did and I dont need to know - we have all done stupid STUPID things - and you are HUMAN - we do stupid things -have you stopped doing whatever it was? if not then can you stoip now ?

can you go for a walk ? do some gardening? anything to take your mind off it?

be kind to you

your sons insight is stratling isnt it! I think T is right when he says you are saying look at how crazy I am lets discuss this instead - but also maybe its a sign to back off a bit - maybe you're not ready yet? only you know - I am glad you have such a good T to look after you - please take care of you

do you think maybe you were expecting not to slow down and so this is a kind of a reaction to slowing down - does that make any sense at all? I know I get a rebound when things have gone well - I seem to get a bad reaction afterwards ...... take care

hangingon · Feb 24, 2009, 08:28 PM

Earthmama,
You recognized what you had done was not the best, thats a good sign, and you shared it with your T, even better.

You were getting deeper into things, its inevitable that you will fall apart some. But you keep going....thats making progress...2 steps forward 3 back and so on.....
Slowing down is a good idea, sometimes things become too much. It will be good to occupy yourself with other things for awhile. I know for me staying busy is very important when I am feeling that way.

I actually buy large puzzles and work on them, there is something soothing about sitting there not thinking about a single thing but colors, and shapes.

HUGS
Hangingon

Feb 24, 2009, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phoenix7

do you think maybe you were expecting not to slow down and so this is a kind of a reaction to slowing down - does that make any sense at all? I know I get a rebound when things have gone well - I seem to get a bad reaction afterwards ......

No, I knew we were going to slow down, and that was fine. I don't know WHAT happened. Apparently I will do anything to avoid talking about childhood stuff. What I did was a "one-time-event" kind of a thing, so it is over. I can't even imagine what T is thinking. I can't even believe I did it. It was just shocking, and stupid, and painful, and awful, and literally, truly crazy.

H is going out of town tomorrow. I hope I will be okay. T was going to call me. I don't know whether to have him call now or not. I am SO ASHAMED I can't imagine ever talking to or seeing him again. Huh - maybe that's why I did it. If I can't ever talk to or see T again, I can't talk about childhood stuff.

I listened to his message again. I've never heard him be so stern. It's scary.

phoenix7 · Feb 24, 2009, 08:47 PM

I think there was a lot of insight in your last post - I read it a couple of times -
(quote Earthmama - Apparently I will do anything to avoid talking about childhood stuff.

What I did was a "one-time-event" kind of a thing, so it is over. I can't even imagine what T is thinking. I can't even believe I did it. It was just shocking, and stupid, and painful, and awful, and literally, truly crazy.

(quote Earthmama - Apparently I will do anything to avoid talking about childhood stuff.

H is going out of town tomorrow. I hope I will be okay. T was going to call me. I don't know whether to have him call now or not.

I hope you decide to let t call you

I am SO ASHAMED I can't imagine ever talking to or seeing him again.
whatever you did - im sure T has heard worse, dealt with worse, Im sure that he just wants you to be safe, just wants to help you - I hope you let him call you

Huh - maybe that's why I did it. If I can't ever talk to or see T again, I can't talk about childhood stuff.

sounds like ..... dont know - just know you deserve the care that T can give you - that you deserve to be helped out of this and that your T would be able to understand - not condone - but understand what happened - my T says she understands why I si'd - does in NO WAY condone it (stern voice) but understood it - I think your T is the same

I listened to his message again. I've never heard him be so stern. It's scary. End Quote)

So scary to think that he's angry or that he cares that much to be angry?
please be safe Earthmama, I hope you talk to your T - please take care P7

Feb 24, 2009, 08:56 PM

(((((((((((((((em)))))))))))))))

oh earthmama, whatever you did is over and it's okay. we're all human and do totally dumb things, so please don't beat yourself up. i can't even believe how much you've been through in your life and you still have such a sweet, fun personality. you really are a wonderful person. i haven't been thru half of what you have and i doubt i would have survived if i had. so, if you need to go a little crazy now and then it is pretty understandable. i do think you will deal with your past when you are ready as you seem so committed to finding healing. it probably would be good to let T call you as you need his support right now. i'm sure he's just very concerned and that's because he loves you like we all do.

Feb 24, 2009, 09:16 PM

((((Earthmama))))),
You're not alone in doing something really stupid. I'm a member of that club, also. I'm glad that you are safe now. Know that your T still

s you. I hear you say that he sounded stern/angry and I know how painful that can be. If he was angry/worried/frustrated it is only because he cares, and I KNOW he does.

PM me if you need me. I'm here=) Stay safe. Love you

phoenix7 · Feb 24, 2009, 10:15 PM

ok the emoticon

is in da house!
I know today you felt a bit

and felt you

but you came here to PC

we gave you a

and hopefully you felt the

come right back at ya!

I hope you managed to either

or

to your T - remember to try and distract yourself - theres lots of ways like

or

or just

- that always helps - now take 2

's and see me in the morning LOL -

imapatient · Feb 24, 2009, 10:48 PM

Did you chop off a leg, barbecue it over your car you had set on fire, serve it up on bread to passersby, tried to barter it for a ménage-a-trois with one of those high school teachers and her 12 year old student-lover, ate the rest yourself and purged all over a newborn in a passing baby carriage, tried to donate the bones to a grammar school under the guise of being from a unicorn, failing that, drill holes through your nose and other body parts and then pushing the bones through while standing (on your one leg) on a freeway nude and covered in excrement?

No?

O.K., you could've done something worse.

Feb 24, 2009, 10:51 PM

((((((((((((((((((((imapatient))))))))))))))))))))

okay, you actually made me LOL - NOT easy to do right now...

Thanks.

internettie · Feb 24, 2009, 11:49 PM

((((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))))

Big hugs for you. I think T is just concerned about you. I've done lots of stupid and shameful things so I know how you are feeling. I told my T the most shameful thing so I could get past it. I think I thought that she'd boot me out and I wouldn't have to deal with any of it. But that didn't happen. She's still caring and concerned about me. So I march on. You can too.

Simcha · Feb 25, 2009, 04:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by earthmama

Ok, so I had T today. We "slowed down".

And then this afternoon....I just LOST IT. I got SO crazy, my AUTISTIC son said "wow, mom is overwhelmed and her personality changed!" (which as an aside, I thought was quite insightful of him). I was impulsive and loud and just crazy.

And I did something very, very, very self-abusive. I can't even write here what it was, I am so ashamed. It was impulsive and stupid, and nothing like anything I've ever done before. I can't believe myself that I did it...but I was like a runaway train or something. It wasn't normal self-abuse - cutting, or eating disorder stuff, or substance use- it was way, way, way above and beyond anything I've ever even CONSIDERED doing. It was, literally, crazy.

I called T and told him what I did. He called and left me a very stern message. I think he might be mad at me...I don't know, he's probably not. He thinks I am doing anything I can do get the focus off of the childhood stuff, and saying "look at me, look how crazy I am, we need to focus on THIS". He's probably right.

His message scared me a little. I'm sure he is just concerned and wants me to STOP. He sounded SO serious. He said his feelings about me haven't changed....and he said that if it is not time to talk about childhood stuff it's not time. He got very serious about breathing and getting grounded. He was going to call me tomorrow because H is out of town, but I had told him, when I called to tell him what I did, not to. He said to call him tomorrow - NOT tonight while I am in this place I'm in - to tell him if I want him to call. He said if I said not to call, he would NOT call, and that if I say to call, he WILL call.

This is by far, BY SO VERY FAR, the craziest, stupidest thing that I've done since starting therapy. No one was hurt but me. I literally can't believe what I did.

T said he doesn't hate me, his feelings are the same, etc. But wow, he sounded really stern. That was scary.

I am shaking while I type this. Obviously childhood stuff has thrown me into a really, really, REALLY crazy place. I want T to be PROUD of me, and I SO blew it.

I really don't know if this **** is worth it sometimes.

(((((((((((((((((((((Earthy)))))))))))))))))))))))

I like your T. He is trying to protect you and keep you safe. You really need to call your T BEFORE you self harm, that way you can prevent it next time.

The important thing is that your safe. I really want you to call your T today. I'll be thinking of you.

--Sam

darkrunner · Feb 25, 2009, 06:45 AM

(((((((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That sounds really really scary.
Please let your T call you today so you can have his support.

And PLEASE stop beating yourself up.
What you're going through is hard.
With care and concern.....
Stay safe sweet friend-

sittingatwatersedge · Feb 25, 2009, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imapatient

Did you chop off a leg, barbecue it over your car you had set on fire, serve it up on bread to passersby, tried to barter it for a ménage-a-trois with one of those high school teachers and her 12 year old student-lover, ate the rest yourself and purged all over a newborn in a passing baby carriage, tried to donate the bones to a grammar school under the guise of being from a unicorn, failing that, drill holes through your nose and other body parts and then pushing the bones through while standing (on your one leg) on a freeway nude and covered in excrement?

No?

O.K., you could've done something worse.

no, silly, that was me.

chaotic13 · Feb 25, 2009, 11:56 AM

(((EM))) Hang in there. What you did, NO MATTER WHAT IS WAS, is done. You realize it was harmful to you, you disclosed it to you T because you want his help. You are doing the right to address it. Your T will not be mad, he will be there to help you.

imapatient · Feb 25, 2009, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

no, silly, that was me.

Oh, my mistake, I thought it smelled like earthmama's leg.

Hope you're not being so hard on yourself, earthmama. (Also pleased to have made you LOL; worried after the fact that you'd feel like your problems had been belittled as not being important.)