[mixedup_emotions]

I am a newbie here, and I posted a brief intro in the intro section....

I originally reached out to a therapist for couples counseling to help deal with some marital issues that my husband and I have. After the 2nd session, the counselor said he was amazed that we waited so long to get help for my husband's OCD. I've known for years that he's had OCD, but hearing it from the therapist was what my husband apparently needed.

The therapist recommended that my husband see a psychiatrist for meds and then also get individual counseling. This was 6 months ago. Long story short, my husband has been seeing a psychiatrist basically for medication, but none of the behavior issues have changed as he has not moved forward with individual therapy.

Anyhoo....

I decided to reach out to our couples therapist, describing some very intimate issues that I'm dealing with (my husband's OCPD, his controlling nature, strange behaviors, our sexual issues, etc.)....and he recommended that I set up an appointment to speak with him. I asked him if the appt. should be for just me, or both of us. He said perhaps just me, but it's my decision.

At first, I froze....but I ended up making an appt for just me which is this Tuesday.

I am feeling all sorts of anxiety. I am so unhappy in my marriage, to the point of disgust and despair....so much so that I find myself having strong desires (that I do not act on, but are extremely painful)....it's hard to describe it....And I am afraid that, by revealing my innermost secrets and feelings to a therapist...and getting support and understanding from him....leaves me vulnerable to attachment issues, transference and all sorts of other emotions that I am afraid of.

I don't know how I'm supposed to act. What I'm supposed to talk about. Is this about me? Or is this about my husband? Am I supposed to be learning how to deal with his OCD, or do I have my own other reasons to be there?

I sent the therapist a long e-mail yesterday morning, giving him some background information as well as some real examples of our current situation. I have not heard back from him yet, and that disappoints me. I feel needy already, and I haven't even had my first individual appt with him!!!

I feel so ashamed, upset, angry, hurt, depressed, sad.....and I don't know why.

(((((((((((((mixedup_emotions)))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're going through something so hard

I think going to see a T, just for yourself, is a great idea. We can't change the people around us, be we can change OURSELVES, and our reactions, and how the people around us affect us. Go to your appointment, and don't worry about attachment, transference, what you should talk about, etc. Just see what T has to offer,and if he seems like someone you can work with, and then decide.

[Rapunzel]

It's normal to be nervous, especially at first. It sounds like you are doing the right thing, and have a good idea about what you need to talk about. Whether or not the T writes back to your email, you are already off to a good start with being open and getting help with the things that are bothering you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the support. ((( HUGS )))

I am just a whirlwind of emotions about it all...and I'm NOT usually like this. I am usually a happy-go-lucky person who just avoids being with her husband...LOL

Yet, now that I am faced with a therapy appt, I find myself feeling needy, with excrucating desire/longing for someone to understand me, and wondering what should be covered by this appt.

He's really our marriage counselor....so I wonder if he plans to focus entirely on my husband and how I can deal with his issues.

Or, maybe he wants to delve deeper into why I feel the way I do about things to better help me decide in life if this is the path I want.

I keep having these thoughts in my head about whether or not it's important to share with him my dad's death and how I'm still in such a terrible grieving stage....And then there's the unmentionables...like my low self-esteem issues to where I can't even be naked in front of my own husband - EVER....or how I was taken advantage of sexually by an old boss when I was 14........like my OCD/PTSD issues that my husband doesn't even know about....or the aching fantasies I have just to take me to some place in my mind where I am feeling what I don't feel at home.

On the one hand, I feel like he needs to know these horrible things in order to truly understand....on the other hand, I am thinking to myself that he just wants an easy day and doesn't care about my life, I'm wasting his time, let's focus on my husband's issues and be on my merry way.....

I am trapped in a tornado of thoughts and feelings....I really just need to relax and put it out of my mind until Tuesday...and go with the flow. Easier said than done, right?

[KUREHA]

I think it's a good idea you're going yourself and that you emailed him - so at least that's a good start.

I hope it goes well on Tuesday

[madisgram]

hi MUE, and welcome to pc. i'm so glad you found us. we're a caring community and i feel you will find support here.
as for your feelings about seeing the therapist. just be yourself and try to breathe deeply and calm yourself. everything will go fine. your t will help you get out those feelings you are having and help you deal with them, develop new coping skill, and untangle the confusion about the things bothering you.
i understand your fears cause i had them when i first went into therapy. it was the best things i did for myself ever!!! good for you for emailing your t about some of the feelings, etc you have. try not to feel miffed that he hasn't responded. maybe he's waiting for your first appt. before addressing some of these things. good luck and know that you are doing a good thing by seeking help for yourself and hubby. keep us posted, will u? we care about you.

((((((((((((((mixedupemotions)))))))))))))))

Wow, you mentioned a lot of things in your post that are certainly worth talking to a therapist about. And you deserve to do that....to work through your OWN issues, and let yourSELF heal.

You don't have to tell him about anything you don't want to at your first appointment. Or, you can tell him everything you said in your post. It's up to YOU. Don't worry about whether your therapist is looking forward to "an easy day". He is doing this job because he wants to help people.

I used to worry because I came into therapy basically saying "I'm kind of stressed out" and ended up sharing ALL of these HUGE issues with him over the course of our therapy. It's very intense, and probably not what he expected. I told him once I was worried because my issues feel so big and he's probably actually used to people who are really, truly just "kind of stressed out"...and he told me he would get bored if that's all he dealt with all day. I know it's challenging to work with me, but I think he likes it. I bet your T will like working with you too.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone! I needed the hugs.....

Another thing that makes me hesitant is that when I first reached out to this counselor, it was a 'woe is me' case of dealing with my husband's OCD issues. Then, we had our first appointment with marriage counseling - and the therapist only guided the conversations and although I did a lot of the talking, my husband participated quite a bit as well.

Then, the second appt, my husband and I were facing each other and talking to each other, with a little guidance from the therapist.

The only constructive feedback that we got from the therapist was geared towards my poor husband who is tortured by his OCD and needs to get help for it. He recommended that my husband find a psychiatrist to get on the proper meds and then follow up with individual counseling. He said that he did not recommend using him as the individual counselor, because he felt he needed to be objective when it came to being our marriage counselor. He would do it if we asked, but he really felt that it was not the right approach.

Because of this, I am wondering if this appointment - with just me - has nothing to do with me, but is only a side bar visit related strictly to my marital issues.

I don't want to see another therapist....I took that major leap with him, and I feel good about it. I would be crushed if he told me that I should see another therapist.

I'm sorry I'm babbling. I'm just dealing with so many different emotions....

[searchingmysoul]

((((((mixedup_emotions)))))))

Welcome to PC!

It takes so much courage to find and see a T. Feeling anxiety is normal. I still have bouts with feeling anxiety before T 3 out of 4 sessions.
And it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and a lot to sort through...Go at your pace and you will get to where you need to be.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thanks, everyone! I needed the hugs.....

Another thing that makes me hesitant is that when I first reached out to this counselor, it was a 'woe is me' case of dealing with my husband's OCD issues. Then, we had our first appointment with marriage counseling - and the therapist only guided the conversations and although I did a lot of the talking, my husband participated quite a bit as well.

Then, the second appt, my husband and I were facing each other and talking to each other, with a little guidance from the therapist.

The only constructive feedback that we got from the therapist was geared towards my poor husband who is tortured by his OCD and needs to get help for it. He recommended that my husband find a psychiatrist to get on the proper meds and then follow up with individual counseling. He said that he did not recommend using him as the individual counselor, because he felt he needed to be objective when it came to being our marriage counselor. He would do it if we asked, but he really felt that it was not the right approach.

Because of this, I am wondering if this appointment - with just me - has nothing to do with me, but is only a side bar visit related strictly to my marital issues.

I don't want to see another therapist....I took that major leap with him, and I feel good about it. I would be crushed if he told me that I should see another therapist.

I'm sorry I'm babbling. I'm just dealing with so many different emotions....

I think you can be very clear with the T in the session and tell them what it is you are seeking. Since you only had 2 sessions that were couple sessions, the T seeing you individually would not seem to me a conflictual thing.

And I totally get not want to see another therapist...You already found this one, have put some trust there.

Good luck at your appointment. I hope it goes well.

~Searching

[Xtree]

Individual therapy is an important part of couples therapy. What ever the problems are in the relationship it should be 50/50. 50 percent you and and 50 percent him, a lock and key fit. What needs to happen is that your T needs to understand your issues and how they fit in the relationship and same for your husband. As she helps you and teaches you how to change your part and he changes his part the relationship will begin to change. No one will know how but as each ingredient changes so will the lock and key fit. This is what will be worked on in couples therapy.

Do not worry if your T does not write back before your session. She may want to meet with you alone first and I am sure she will bring your letter into session to discus it. Do not worry about what to talk about or rush into the big stuff too fast. You are the boss of this and should work at your own pace. This is only the first one, there will be many many more after this.

Xtree

[RiverX]

It sounds like you've got quite a backlog of emotions that you long and need to have understanding for.
this is longing to get out, hence the immediate and overwhelming response.
I'd suggest, go slowly, do test out to feel if he feels like the right person to trust with these vulnerable needs. Otherwise, at least, it seems you've got a clear message that you do have some needs that you need to find a resoluion for. To be responsible to yourself, to handle all this tenderly as you would a child in from a storm, this is the task.
You are empathic also, from what you say, and empaths can also be all the more vulnerable, but yet have so much to give.

treat all this tenderly and responsibly, handly with care...I'd say

riverx

[MissCharlotte]

Hi ((mixedup))--welcome!

So, you used this T for couples therapy and you are not satisfied with how your marriage is going right now. But you also recognize that you have a lot individual issues that you want to address. So, you will see the couples therapist and feel your way with him. At some point, you will have to decide whether you want to continue seeing this couples therapist with your husband, and use him as your individual therapist at the same time, or even ask him for a referral to someone who you can work with individually. Don't worry so much about what HE wants to focus on. Decide what YOU want out of the session. Also--all of the other attachment and transference issues -- well, that's therapy but don't let it scare you away because the benefits far outweigh the risks and it is through these mechanisms that we learn the most about ourselves.

I could not use my T for couples work -- at least not right now because I am too attached to both T and H and it would be too weird for me. We did have a few sessions with T but that was early on and before I got into the intense stuff that I am "in" right now. Besides, H has no desire to go to therapy....

Good luck and let us know how you make out.