[peaches100]

I have a big problem with always worrying/analyzing/stewing about my therapy. What I mean by this is that I am constantly trying to figure out where we should go next, what t meant when she said X, why I said or did a particular thing, worry about if I'm doing therapy right, when we will have to terminate, etc. I guess you could say I'm always a bundle of nerves! I can't seem to just relax, be myself, and trust the process to take me where I need to go. It almost feels like a control issue to me: like I need to know/figure out/understand everything about what we are doing and why and where we are going. . .so that I feel safe. I'm a real planner in life and like to know what's going to happen when. It makes me uncomfortable when it feels like I don't have a strong grip on everything that is happening with/to me (like dissociation). I also think it is scary going down the therapy road and not knowing exactly what will come up along the way. Is this a control issue? Is it fear or what? My t is a very good one, and she knows her stuff. So there's no logical reason why I should be so uptight about trying to figure it all out myself. But for some reason, I keep trying to do it. It's like I can't just go with the flow and let what happens happen.

Does anybody else do this, or have any idea why I would be doing this? It's really draining, but somehow I feel compelled, like it's my responsibility to make things happen.

[Mouse_]

Peaches, With time you will become "comfortable" with not always having an immediate answer, but will come to know that the change is happening inside, just outside your consious awareness, than you will eventually feel safe for short periods of time and not be so much on guard. Time takes time,

[sittingatwatersedge]

sounds extremely familiar.

I haven't been able to change it a bit, so I quit worrying about why I do it... maybe I figure that's T's lookout

[hangingon]

Peaches I can totally relate.
I worry about those issues alot and then when things just settle and I can leave them to rest, it's time for the next session and I start all over again with the worry. I am hoping this changes in time for all of us who's thoughts are flooded with worry.

[Sannah]

I think it fits with anxiety perfectly. You grow up anxious because you didn't feel secure while growing up. You learn that you can feel a little secure if you know everything that is going to happen (control). I remember when I used to be like this. You can learn to let go of this need by increasing your security. I felt more secure by understanding and learning that I can handle any situation that comes up so I don't have to be in control of everything to protect myself. Purging those feelings of insecurity help you feel more secure too. Right now you probably still have a whole collection of these feelings stored away from when you were growing up? If so these feelings are still with you...........

[peaches100]

Mouse,

Yes, that's it. I always want an immediate answer to everything. I need to learn that it is not possible to always have an answer right now for everything. I agree that I need to work on feeling safer so I won't be so guarded. It's really hard for me.

Sitting,

You are probably right, it is t's job to be worrying about all that!

Hangingon,

I really hope it changes for us too. It's so awful to be tied up in knots all the time. Part of it is probably because I have GAD. The primary feature is ceaseless, unnecessary worry about everything and anything!

Sannah,

You nailed it on the head when you mentioned insecurity while growing up. I never felt prepared for "bombshells" when they occurred. Bad things seemed to suddenly befall me with no warning, and I didn't get help to deal with the situation or my feelings. Also, since I didn't get much direction and was left to do my own thing and figure out things for myself, I felt insecure alot and really did not know what to do. I was a worrywart for as far back as I can remember. So I guess I just try to control everything, so as to feel safe. You are right. I need to find some way of feeling more secure. The thing is, I don't feel capable of being able to handle bad things if they happen to me. I still dread those "bombshells" even as an adult. I am always uptight, afraid to relax for fear the other shoe will drop. It's hard to live this way.

[Capp]

Peaches.
I can relate to that horrible feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Frankly, it took me awhile before it didn't rule my life.
Occasionally, I'll still have that feeling.

Like you, I'm a planner.
Plan A. If it doesn't work, Plan B. If that doesn't work, Plan C.
It feels safer having a back up, although I'm more at ease about it now.

My therapist helped me understand that I could handle anything that came my way...
Actually here is the quote he gave me,
"I can handle anything life throws at me. I may not be able to handle it well or correctly or gracefully or even with finesse or expediently...But I Will Handle It."
In many ways it took some pressure off in thinking I had to handle it in a perfect way.

peace,
Cap

[ECHOES]

Hello therapy-twin. hehe

T and I have talked about these worries many many times. After 2 years I still have these worries a lot. Keep talking about these with T as often as they come up. It really helps me to do that.

I'm a real planner in life and like to know what's going to happen when.

Fear is anxiety and fear of the unknown is about the perfect definition of anxiety, to me. But we can't know what we don't know. That might sound simple or silly, but it can be relieving too. If we can't know it until we know it, then we are free to relax and wait for it.

One aspect of this is a pattern, not uncommon I know, of poised waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know this about me and have for a long time, but the beauty of therapy is that I see it clearer and I can carry that idea around with me a while and see all the places it fits in my life. In just one day I have seen it in many many places. So I am trying to adopt a philosophy I'm calling "Show me". "Show me that 'the other shoe' even exists!!". ha! Anyway we are just starting to explore this and I'm in such good mood recently I'm having fun with it.

"Trust the process" my T told me in the beginning. Mostly I can do that, although sometimes I need to come here and the wonderful PC community will remind me...

(((((((((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))))))

Wow, I can SO relate to this. In fact, that's why I came to this site in the first place...because I wanted to analyze and think about and learn about therapy and figure out what might happen, and where it might take me, and what I should expect. It was a huge obsession of mine, especially early in therapy.

I think I am FINALLY learning to "trust the process"....just through going to therapy, and experiencing what happens in the room. I have talked about and dealt with things in therapy that I NEVER expected to - certain traumas, the relationship with T, my extreme dissociation - and I haven't talked (yet) about the things I expected to (childhood). Therapy just takes me where it takes me.

Yet somehow, even without me being in control, I am healing. Not how I expected to, but in my own way, the way that is right for ME, right now, in this relationship, with this T.

And so are you... (((((((((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I'm a real planner in life and like to know what's going to happen when. It makes me uncomfortable when it feels like I don't have a strong grip on everything that is happening with/to me ... Does anybody else do this, or have any idea why I would be doing this? It's really draining, but somehow I feel compelled, like it's my responsibility to make things happen.

It sounds like it's an extension of how you deal with a lot of things in your life. You like to be organized, plan ahead, be reassured by knowing what will happen next, and you have carried this over into therapy. So it actually is very logical. You are this way in other areas, so it is to be expected you might approach therapy the same way. If your need to plan so much has become something you think you want to change, then you could work on that in therapy. You could try to start by relaxing in therapy and not thinking everything out ahead of time. And when you become better at that, maybe it will transfer to other areas of your life. Ask your T for help with this if it is what you want to work on.

A good thing about thinking so much about therapy outside of therapy is that it shows real dedication to the process and getting better. You are really motivated. I think therapy can go faster (in some cases) if we devote a lot of outside time to the work of therapy, a lot of which is thought and feeling. If we need to go slow in therapy, it can be helpful to not do so much "work" outside of the therapist's office. I was much more "obsessed" with therapy outside of therapy, in the first year or so with my T. Now I have almost been with him for 2.5 years and I am much more relaxed and willing to let happen what will happen. And I don't spend as much time outside of session thinking about my therapy and what it all means (although I still spend some time). A lot of my therapy now is about the relationship--I just like going and being with him. And that doesn't require any planning. I can't plan how he will be. I just depend on him to be him.

I also think therapy can at times be delightful when you let it unfold instead of having a set agenda each time. Sometimes I have thought I would discuss X at a session, and instead we went elsewhere and it ended up a great and surprising session--something I never could have planned. I often have expressed surprise in session. Like, while crying, "I didn't know I was sad about this" or "I didn't know I was going to cry today". It's all good. Therapy is an adventure.

Good luck with this. I think you're not unusual in this respect. It's OK!

[ECHOES]

I also think therapy can at times be delightful when you let it unfold instead of having a set agenda each time.

Sunny, I agree with this so much! Thank you!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I don't feel capable of being able to handle bad things if they happen to me. I still dread those "bombshells" even as an adult. I am always uptight, afraid to relax for fear the other shoe will drop. It's hard to live this way.

What has happened to you as an adult that you couldn't handle?????

[mixedup_emotions]

OMG, so many of us have so many similarities!!! Thank YOU for this thread!!!

I could've written several of these posts.....and it is comforting to know that I am not alone in feeling this way.

[imapatient]

Exactly like me.

Agree with what you and everyone wrote with 2 additional concepts:

First, are you highly analytical/intellectual anyways? Like I am? I analyze things to death, which helps in some parts of life—academia (for the scholar, there’s no such thing as “over-analyzing”), jobs--my work success was from being an "ideas" person and being an "analyst" in work duties. But it doesn't help in other parts of life. If you always analyze, you're just being you but with a heavy emotional catalyst for the therapy material.

Two, as analytical as I am (you, too, are), logical analysis doesn't work very well with emotions. I live and breathe as if I can figure out anything and everything in the world of logic (and am successful at it), yet I can't figure out emotions and relationships with other people with the Spock-like mind. It's particularly frustrating if you are very successful with your analytical abilities to come to terms with the limitations of those abilities in all parts of life.

"My t is a very good one, and she knows her stuff. So there's no logical reason why I should be so uptight about trying to figure it all out myself."

A problem with the above statement is that the main "stuff" to be known is you yourself--she doesn’t necessarily know that "stuff" well and never will know it better than you. You don't need to do it all by yourself, but no one can give you self-knowledge; they can only help you see more clearly and parse through the detritus and irrelevant. There are plenty of logical reasons to be worried, but some of that will certainly attenuate with time working though as noted by others.