[mixedup_emotions]

I avoided bringing up a subject in my last T session that I had e-mailed him about....and then was disappointed that I didn't bring it up. I e-mailed T, basically to disclose that. And he said to bring the e-mail with me so that I hold myself accountable to discuss it.

YIKES.

I feel like I can say almost anything on this forum....because nobody knows me in real life here (yet I feel like you know me more than anyone, go figure).....

And then, the next level of comfort is by e-mail. I can articulate things well...be clear with how I feel or what the situation is....and I can read it over and over again until I get it just right and then hit SEND and not have to deal with the reaction. The downside to this is anticipating a reaction.

But my T prefers not to give me much feedback by e-mail. He needs to be able to read more than words - which I totally understand....BUT, sometimes I feel like I can't talk about certain things in T. I get so anxious, upset, afraid....I don't know....

And here I am....now having to hold myself accountable to raise the difficult issues in therapy....but I know that I am an adult and can just say NO...and not do it....But that wouldn't be productive for me.

I am trying to figure out why I am so afraid....perhaps because I feel vulnerable....or feel like a pathetic loser who can't "get over the past"....or just a big crybaby who is looking for sympathy....I am afraid to feel the devastation of the loss of my entire adulthood so far living in a majorly dysfunctional environment that I allowed myself to live in, because of my own low self-esteem and low self-worth. I am afraid that my past SA issues have caused me to hate being touched in certain ways and that I will never be able to get past it. I am afraid that I will never understand what a loving relationship should be - because I've been with my husband since I was 18 and have never known anything different. I dated lots of guys before him, but he was the only one I ever got serious with.

I hate these feelings....but they are real. And I don't know how I could ever bring them up in T......but I have to in order to move forward.

[_embrace]

((((mixedup))))

I can relate to everything you've posted, and I think I am in much the same place you are. For me, I think it is the vulnerability of it all, mixed with a few trust issues. How long have you been in therapy? I have been going for about a year now, and many people have told me that it will just take more time to become comfortable, and to just try to take "little risks" in disclosure to build up confidence. Maybe this would work for you, too?

[rainbow8]

I can relate too! I write freely but when I'm face to face with people I stumble over my words. I used to give my Ts papers I'd written, or show them parts of my journal. That was easier.

My current T never let me email her. She said I had to look at her and tell her, or if I couldn't do that, print out what I wanted to email, and read it to her. Even so, I wrote her a few poems that I gave to her because I didn't want to read them.

Once when I talked about a difficult subject, I put a pillow in front of my face. Then, later on it became easier to talk to her. I got used to direct eye contact with her though it's still scary. I think it's hard because we are very vulnerable in therapy. We are afraid to let another person see what's deep inside of us. It's just scary!

The answer for me was to just "do it". Read it, cover my face, look at the floor, but just start somewhere. It will get easier when you see that your T accepts whatever you say. You don't have to say everything at once. Just start somewhere, and see what happens. I think a lot has to do with trusting your T. That happens gradually, and you can't make it happen any faster than it's going to take.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((Mixed-up)))))))

I have never used e-mail as a medium in therapy, but lots of people here do.

I wonder if e-mail and it not being face-to-face, and maybe even the ability to look over what it is you are trying and want to say so that it is exactly right, is what helps it to be less intimidating?

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

~Searching

[chaotic13]

Mixed-up,

I charted a very similar course. I'm nearing the 2-yr therapy mark. I rely heavily on breaking the ice on topics via email. Most of my disclosures have initially done via email. Now I've gotten to the point where I will attempt to raise things and discuss things in the session and then use email to..."make sure I clearly articulated" what I was attempting to get out. Orally expressing what is in my head has been incredibly difficult. I will say trust took a very long time for me to develop. And even now dealing with the intensity of having someone actually really listen...is still very challenging. Things are getting better.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by _embrace

((((mixedup))))

I can relate to everything you've posted, and I think I am in much the same place you are. For me, I think it is the vulnerability of it all, mixed with a few trust issues. How long have you been in therapy? I have been going for about a year now, and many people have told me that it will just take more time to become comfortable, and to just try to take "little risks" in disclosure to build up confidence. Maybe this would work for you, too?

It's a relief to know that I am not alone...although it stinks to feel this way. I've only been in therapy for a couple months. My husband and I went to marriage counseling last August for a few sessions....and then I reached out to my marriage counselor a couple months ago for individual counseling. So much progress has been made with my current crisis...but now that I am past the critical part (getting my husband out of the house)....I can start to delve into the tougher stuff. The "whys"....I guess I'm just not ready to go there yet....but then I feel that therapy is just wasting my time and money. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.

During that one session that I disclosed quite a bit, I felt such horrible anxiety for days....I don't want to feel that again...and that's only scratching the surface....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I can relate too! I write freely but when I'm face to face with people I stumble over my words. I used to give my Ts papers I'd written, or show them parts of my journal. That was easier.

My current T never let me email her. She said I had to look at her and tell her, or if I couldn't do that, print out what I wanted to email, and read it to her. Even so, I wrote her a few poems that I gave to her because I didn't want to read them.

Once when I talked about a difficult subject, I put a pillow in front of my face. Then, later on it became easier to talk to her. I got used to direct eye contact with her though it's still scary. I think it's hard because we are very vulnerable in therapy. We are afraid to let another person see what's deep inside of us. It's just scary!

The answer for me was to just "do it". Read it, cover my face, look at the floor, but just start somewhere. It will get easier when you see that your T accepts whatever you say. You don't have to say everything at once. Just start somewhere, and see what happens. I think a lot has to do with trusting your T. That happens gradually, and you can't make it happen any faster than it's going to take.

I am trying to build up the courage to just "do it"....but I hate feeling the anxiety. It is so much easier to just not even go there...but that's not getting me anywhere. I am envious that you had the courage to do it.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

(((((((Mixed-up)))))))

I have never used e-mail as a medium in therapy, but lots of people here do.

I wonder if e-mail and it not being face-to-face, and maybe even the ability to look over what it is you are trying and want to say so that it is exactly right, is what helps it to be less intimidating?

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

~Searching

Oh it's definitely so much less intimidating to me....because I can plan what I want to say and bring up the courage gradually to hit that send button. In therapy, reacting quickly without being able to sort through that intimidation....and build the courage....is just scary to me.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Mixed-up,

I charted a very similar course. I'm nearing the 2-yr therapy mark. I rely heavily on breaking the ice on topics via email. Most of my disclosures have initially done via email. Now I've gotten to the point where I will attempt to raise things and discuss things in the session and then use email to..."make sure I clearly articulated" what I was attempting to get out. Orally expressing what is in my head has been incredibly difficult. I will say trust took a very long time for me to develop. And even now dealing with the intensity of having someone actually really listen...is still very challenging. Things are getting better.

I want to send T an e-mail on Wednesday...basically listing the topics that I want to address and a summary of each. That way, I can hold myself accountable to address it during T....I hope I can bring myself to do it...cuz then there's no turning back. *sigh*

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I want to send T an e-mail on Wednesday...basically listing the topics that I want to address and a summary of each.

That sounds like a really good plan. You're not writing a tome but just the main points to help guide you when you meet face to face. Good luck!

[Brightheart]

I don't think my therapy would have gone well at all if my therapist didn't allow me to basically write everything. I didn't e-mail him often, but would write out responses to my sessions and bring them each week. There is no way I could have read the notes out loud either... He read them silently and at first I even made him leave the room to read them. I think the important thing is to find a way to express yourself and this was my way. When it comes to being verbal, I have some deficiencies and maybe even a learning disability. If T had tried to force me to talk, it would have pushed me further away and hampered my therapy. I probably would have ended up leaving without accomplishing what I needed to accomplish. I can totally relate to this. Whenever I had something really big to tell him, though, I always wanted to do it verbally. One big revelation took almost an entire session for me to say just 2 or 3 sentences. I don't think the writing has to do with wanting to not being held accountable for me. It has to do with saying what I want to say the way I want to say it and saying it right.

My first real close friend was one that I made online through email. It was so exciting for me to realize that I had something to offer and had just simply been unable to communicate well verbally. It can be quite frustrating at times. It was as if a light bulb turned on for me. I'm not stupid...I just suck at verbalizing my thoughts. This was a big thing for me at the time.

Try bringing the emails with you and see if it helps.

[phoenix7]

yep that sounds like a great plan - if you find you cant send the email then print it out and take it with you - I wish you luck and strength and comfort - let us know how you go - we willl come with you if you want and sit quietly in the waiting room to help you get up if you fall down

[Mouse_]

It took me nearly yr before I emailed T....I do tend to be more open in email then f2f and have begun something by email that I find hard to do f2f and this has made me talk about something that otherwise would take longer perhaps....now over 5yrs on I still email and most times its just the needing to be "seen" by her when away from session that I am actually needing. ...no matter what the issue is when I email her, it comes down to her seeing my feelings and me not feeling so alone with them. Its almost like a cry from the cot and mother comes to check I'm ok and what I'm needing and most times its just a warm smile and little touch and then I'm off again feeling ok....

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I avoided bringing up a subject in my last T session that I had e-mailed him about....and then was disappointed that I didn't bring it up. I e-mailed T, basically to disclose that. And he said to bring the e-mail with me so that I hold myself accountable to discuss it.

YIKES.

(((((((((( mixed up ))))))))))
"holding yourself accountable" can mean many things. including telling yr T, OK I put it out on the table, but I'm not ready to discuss it yet.
You did good just bringing it up - take some credit for that, I am sure your T will be patient with you. Please don't force yourself into exploring difficult disclosure too soon, just out of some idea of duty - this can harm you.
Your T now knows that the issue is there, and will know how to move the conversation around to it .... that is, on SOME DAY when you are more ready. hang in there

[peaches100]

I have had to rely heavily on email over the years to say things that I otherwise simply could not have said face to face. I think you should use whatever method you need to use in order to get the topics out there.

I do believe that email can become a crutch, though, if used too long to the exclusion of face to face talk. As time goes on, I disclose a little bit more face to face in each session.

[chaotic13]

Agenda emails, been here too. Advantages were topics were definately raised, could not deny that stuff bothered me, think my T learned a lot about me from these. I think this was the only way for me to get things on the table. Disadvantages were that they created A LOT of extra stress on me before and during the next session. Sometimes when I went to the actual session something else was going on and I would want to discuss that instead. Also, since I was so stressed out about talking about what was on the agenda, I sometimes rushed or glossed over it anyway.

For me...I think doing this for a while was important, helpful in getting me to approach certain topics. I think it was most helpful in that it alerted my T to things that she probably had no idea I was struggling with. Now I to not self-mandate that I talk about certain topics. I allow myself the option of avoiding things if I want to. This seems to be working for me at the moment. My sessions are less stressful now. However I think I had to do the agenda thing at first.