[PhaeDay]

Okay, so my boyfriend went away for two weeks and i was really really sad for the first week and a half... then i started making the website for our 6 month anniversery, but for some reason, making it made me not sad anymore... and it was okay that he was away. When i was sad when he was away, i was kinda dependant on him emotionally... but in that two weeks i lost that emotional dependance, but i am extremely scared that losing the dependance will lead to losing my interest. Because in the past i have had an enormously difficult time keeping myself from shutting off on relationships, and for the first time in my life i've gotten past that... as of yet at least... and i am really scared that the decline that i am experiencing won't stop... and that i will shut off again. I would rather much be dependant again, and i want that dependancy back... because i know there isn't any chance of me getting hurt by him... because he's kinda dependant on me too, (hes had problems with that in the past also... but not like mine... he's just gotten hurt by becoming dependant too fast.) I am just scared to death of shutting off... and hurting him. Any advice?
~Julie... uhh i mean
ºPhae

[Peanut61]

Hi Phaeday: Your post is very interesting. It has been my experience that the feelings of dependence foster sexual/romantic disinterest rather than interest. I get completely why the dependence makes us stay, but when we start to feel more well, we tend to want more out of the relationship, right? I know with me I have underlying issues that keep me from having a really healthy, two-sided relationship. Usually it becomes co-dependent about the time that I have my first depression while in it. Just some thoughts. Warmest regards.

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

[PhaeDay]

Dependance is the thing that lets me know that i won't be shutting off anytime soon... shutting off has been much much more of a problem for me than dependance... though back in the day, i did get hurt a couple times after becoming too dependant on a person... And for some reason or another, i don't feel like i love my boyfriend enough when i am not dependant... like he deserves more love from me or something like that... I guess also, the shutting off had been something that my subconcious did to keep me safe... though i definitely feel much much much much safer dependant on my boyfriend... because i feel the safest when i am with him than i really ever have with anyone. Also, in the beginning of when i would shut off, i would almost do it on purpose, but then it became uncontrollable and i would shut off at times when i didnt want to, destroying the relationship i was in... and by becomming not dependant on my boyfriend, i am scared i wont have control over it, and shut off again, ruining the most perfect thing i have ever had in my entire life. Maybe that clears it up a bit.
ºPhae

[Peanut61]

I'm so sorry, (((Phae))): For some reason I'm just not understanding; I'm trying so hard = perhaps it's my 'mental' pause, eh? LOL. I'm not sure what you mean be 'dependence' in your post. Do you mean over-reliance on your boyfriend to meet your needs, or... . I'm sorry that I'm so dense today, but I do care!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

Phae,

You are still young. I bet that you get tired of hearing that, but you need to remember it and keep it in mind. You are learning about relationships - that is one of the main purposes of dating. It's good that you can recognize whether or not you are dependant on your boyfriend, and I hope that you will watch out for that. Since you have been in an abusive relationship, you know how dangerous it is to be unhealthily dependant on someone. That is a pattern that you don't want to fall into, but it can be easy to confuse love and dependance when that has been your experience. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with your current boyfriend or with your relationship, but I hope that you can learn to be in a relationship and not be dependant. It is a very good thing that you have recognized this and are aware of it. You can establish the ability to have healthy relationships now, and your whole life will be much better for it. This does not mean that you will shut off your relationship with your boyfriend - just keep all this in mind as you evaluate the relationship. Going to counseling to talk about this might really help you.

-Wendy

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>

[PhaeDay]

Thanks wendy for your comments... I feel like i learned about these things at a young age... i had my first boyfriend when i was in 6th grade. That is when i learned about dependancy and heartbreak. Maybe i was dependant on him (his name was Chris...) but there hasn't been a single solitary person who has been able to say the same kind of wise words that made everything feel better for me than he did... the closest person to that... before everything went rotten, and when he was a good friend and everything i needed in my life; Evan. Sadly. But Chris had been the one to teach me these things, he became my best friend, and i talked to him every single day, because that was the time in my life when my problems started, and he recognized that i was dependant on him, and while he was always there for me, he would sometimes say something like, "i might be moving..." to try and get me to not be dependant... he was the one who kept me from doing drugs... he has been the hugest influence on my life... i stayed friends with him up to 8th grade, and i moved. Also in 8th grade was my second boyfriend. I learned about dependance and heartbreak from him too. Accept he had cheated on me with my best friend... and they kept their relationship from me for 3 months, behind my back. That hurt. Then when i got into highschool, from those experiences, which only lasted a little more than two months each (me and chris had been off and on) that is the point at which I would shut off in all of my relationships. At about 2 months. No offence, but from that, i felt like rolling my eyes at your "you are learning about relationships" comment. I have seen other people's relationships, i have experienced mine, though none of them were long term because i shut off, i don't feel like i am "just learning" anymore. And i definitely feel stupid saying that because i know that i am young... and its the stupid teenage dilema... of always feeling that they're right, or invincibility... i don't know which one this would fall under... but JESUS, why do i have to feel so belittled in my feelings when talking to older people?! Trying to convince them that i actually do know... but do i? Grr, okay, i'm getting myself worked up... i gotta stop... so there's my early history in dating... lol. Maybe that'll give you, and others, some deeper insight. I'm just so afraid of shutting off on this one because i haven't been able to control it with any "relationship" that i have had in highschool.
ºPhae

[Zenobia]

Developing a healthy relationship without dependency can be difficult. I wish I could say don't be scared but I know it would be a wasted breath because I knew I was scared to death when I was going through it. Dependence can be like a glue that holds you to your love one even when you are angry at them for doing something stupid. I have trouble decerning anger from hate. I would be mad at my husband but think that I hated him. I thought I was over that confusion but I found last week that I had the same thoughts with my son...Anyway...so sometimes there are feelings we have that make us shut ourselves off from those people we love, if we are dependent on those people then we don't have to figure out what is going on with our feelings because the relationship will go on regardless of how we are feeling because we just can't break it off.

NOW, the cool thing about not being dependent on your love one is that you learn to maintain the relationship through all those grand troublesome feelings. You learn to set boundries and how to talk about what is going on inside. Also it becomes much easier to talk about the things that drive you nuts about your partner and vise versa because you are not afraid of losing the person. If you are not dependent and your partner is not dependant then you are in the relationship because you both REALLY WANT TO BE THERE so the fear of losing one another fades and what remains is something beyond safe, it is like being wrapped in a warm blanket and knowing that everything will be all right even though you are fighting, or that you are seperated because someone went on a trip. I don't know if the independence you are feeling is you growing in your comfort in your relationship or not but the fact that this feeling came as you were making your website has me wondering if that act of making the website helped you to see how important he was too you and how important you are to him so you became safer in your relationship and felt less need for the dependence that you now crave.
Just a couple of thoughts,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[PhaeDay]

Carrie,
Wow, thank you soo much! Your thoughts really helped a lot... i didn't realize that those could be the reasons why i am not feeling dependant anymore... though i guess it was at the back of my mind, i must have just been occupying myself with thoughts of the failures i have experienced in regards to these feelings. What you said makes complete sense to me, and it was really what i needed to hear. I am also extremely glad that i have this outlet... because chances are, i would have become so afraid of shutting off... that i actually would (that has happened in the past too)

One other thing... I know relationships come and go and blah blah blah... especially at my age... but here's the other thing, as much as I know i am young, and college life, going into being an adult (3 months until i am 18) is usually the peak of dating and such... as much as i know all that, i want this to last forever... first and foremost because i love him so much, and also, because he has given me so much hope for the future... One time, before we were going out, before i even admitted to myself that i really liked him, he told me about this dream he had, it started at the present time in our lives, we were in school, we were in love, and it forwarded to 6 years later... he was a junior in college and i was out of college, (i had graduated 3rd in a class of 600... this part made me cry because i am very smart, but do to the things i have been through and depression, i haven't been able to get my act together, i've even had to go to summer school because i couldn't function during the school year) but anyways... we had a fight that he didn't think meant much, but it meant a lot to me. So one day i came home, and there were rose pedals leading upstairs to the bedroom, it lead in, and on the bed was a little card saying sorry, i smiled as i looked at the card, and as i turned to leave, i noticed him in dimly lit corner holding a little box........ I keep thinking that if i ever lose him, that i don't know if i would have that kind of a future, because i've never believed in any of that for myself... true love, having a lasting relationship, and mostly, of academically achieving for myself a sound future. If i lost him id probably lose all hope in the world for all of that... which is probably the main reason i became so dependant.

Well anyways, thank you so much for your support, i appreciate the things you've said.

[Rapunzel]

Phae,

I didn't mean to make you feel belittled - I just wanted to point out that dating is a learning process. It always will be, no matter how old you are. It is about learning about yourself and about relationships and about what qualities you are looking for in a mate. It should also be fun. You do know more about dating and relationships than I did at your age, and I knew that before I wrote what I did above too. I have a great deal of respect for you.

-Wendy

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>

[Zenobia]

For many people the relationships that happen in highschool are short lived often ending as soon as highschool is over. There are exceptions though. I met my husband when I was 16. One week after I graduated highschool I moved in with him, I was 17 years old. I married him when I was 19. We are still together and I am 35. Things have been rough at times but I love him dearly and glad that we have stuck together though the worst of times. Take care,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson