[kvinneakt]

* Actually, any guys who have been there, done that, your input is needed, too.

I am just recently waking up to the possibility that I am a "gender dysphoric" man. That means, simply, that I have internal feelings of being more like a woman than a man. Validating aspects of this have appeared in many forms since I was a child. I am not a cross dresser, transsexual, or gay. If I could have chosen my life, it would have been as a lesbian woman. (Yeah, I know. That would be another set of problems, but possibly better than what I have now.)

I have been married for almost 30 years and have 2 grown children. I have disclosed nothing of my gender dysphoria to anyone other than one highly trusted friend and my shrink, who is referring me to a therapist.

What I need help with knowing is how, where, when, if, etc any of my issues should be disclosed to my wife. We have lived with my repressing information for decades. It would not be very hard to simply withhold information now. I do not want to change. I do not want our relationship to change. It would be nice to be able to share my whole story, but not necessary.

This is a difficult issue. It seems to be much more complex than other relationship issue I have faced. It is a can of worms that can stay on the shelf, or opened expecting to find a pretty nasty mess that can not be put back the way it was. What I reveal about myself, to her, begs her to ask herself a lot of hard questions. I don't know if this is a fair thing to burden her with.

These are some of the things I can see her asking herself: Am I a lesbian? Is he really a husband? Have I been cheated of a normal sex life? Has our whole relationship been a lie? It could go on and on.

So, please help me brainstorm this issue. What would you think? Would you really want to know this about your husband? How would you deal with it? What do you think your future would be like?

[Rosey]

Hi. Just reading your post. Really interesting. I think you're doing your partner of 30 years a great disservice by not sharing with her your innermost feelings. Seeing as how you're not gay or transsexual or into cross dressing I don't see what the trouble is. I would love it if my husband could relate to me on a more feminine level (been married 25 years) You don't specify what is holding you back but maybe you think she can't handle it. Your kids really don't need to know but I think your wife does. Ask yourself 'what's the worse that can happen?' & go from there.
R

[kvinneakt]

I was in a depressive crisis a couple weeks ago. She asked me what I wanted from her. I said I need you to be my friend. She said that's fine, but she also needs a husband.

So I have that little tidbit of information that worries me. She seems to already think of me as a bit less of a husband than she wants and that is a fair concern on her part.

I do feel like I have been something of a sham. Not on purpose, but not the promised goods. That's for sure.

[Rapunzel]

My suggestion is that you talk to a therapist about this issue and find out more about your feelings, and then let the therapist help you decide how to tell your wife about it, possibly even have your wife go to a therapy session with you so that the therapist can help to explain it.

It is not entirely a bad thing for her - you don't want to leave her, you don't need someone else to fulfill a need for another kind of sexual relationship, and you never lied to her about who you are. You are just recognizing some feelings now that are difficult, but not that have to interfere with your relationship with your wife or the structure of your family. You are and have always been a husband to her and a friend. Being friends is part of the role of a spouse, and having a strong feminine side can help you to understand her in a way that maybe nobody else could, and that can be a very good thing. Let her be a friend to you too. Having a spouse who is depressed, and handling their depressive crises is very difficult. Don't ask your wife to be your therapist - those two roles don't go together, but spouses support each other through the hard times. I'm sure that you have been there for her when she has needed you? Let her be there for you too.

I think when I can relate situations to my own experience it makes it easier to understand, so I'll tell you what this makes me think of in my own life. I have chronic depression and have been in therapy many times. My husband gets down, but sometimes he gets almost manic at times too - he could be a bit cyclothymic, although he lacks a formal diagnosis. I can handle listening to him and talking to him about his problems up to a point, but I can easily be pushed over my limit. I don't mind supporting him sometimes, but it will get to me if he goes on and on about it for too long (even professional therapists have their limits - they get to send you home after your hour is up) or if when I need to talk about something he just turns it around and makes it all about him. So, try to remember and be sensitive to her limits, and give her a turn too. Recognize and acknowlege her needs as well as yours, and I think you should be okay. Just by asking these questions you have shown that you are sensitive to her feelings. You are to be commended for that.

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>

[kvinneakt]

Thanks. I have a referral to a therapist on the way. I am with Kaiser and these things take their own time. It may be weeks/months before I have an appointment.

In the meantime I am coping the best I can and calling on my other resources (you all here) to live and learn.

[darkeyes]

Yeah, not knowing you or your wife, this can be hard like you said. But if my husband had come to me about this, and being married that many years, I personally would try to ease his mind and help him with the bad feeling it may have given him about himself. I know this may be no consolation, but if I had to choose scenarios I'd prefer this over him having an affair(s), I wouldn't see this issue as living a lie, I am not lieing I really would try to help him understand it doesn't matter, I'd tell him I 've loveed him for these many years, has been a good parent, provider, etc. and can stay together if he still wished to, but another woman? That is something that would (and has in the real world) driven me crazy, that is "true" unfaithfulness. Ask your therapist/pdoc if there is a way you can talk with your wife about this, maybe the 2 of you can have a consult with a therapist, to help your wife accept this if she wishes, like I said I personally would. Real love doesn't have to be according to standard fairy tale beliefs.
I don't know you but it is important for your general mental and physical being to be who you really are, we only live once (so we know) and I think it would be horrible to have to "perform" (live a different life) just to make everyone happy, your happiness is key
Sorry, just my 2 cents, but I hope it was of some help.
I've been married 25 yrs., kinda grew up together, ha!ha! I can honestly say if he told me what you are debating on telling your wife it truly wouldn't shake my world like an affair had to mine. Honesty is the best policy so they say.
You love her right? She loves you? I feel it will work out then, but that is only my opinion, but consult with your pdoc/therapist about a way of doing it.
I wish you lots of love and luck with this
"darkeyes"

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[kvinneakt]

I realized I have to add a factor here. Trust. There have been a couple times where a confidence was betrayed by my wife. They were not horrible incidents, but they were very embarrassing. I am not sure I could feel safe "outing" myself to her.

[penna]

have you asked your wife what her definition of a "husband" is? that term might not have any sexual meaning to her at all. she might just mean she needs someone she feels is able to be there for her and if you get too wrapped up in your own issues you might lose that ability. i'm not saying that's what she means, but you should ask her what a husband is to her.

as for "outing" yourself to her, what is it that you hope to gain by doing that? in your ideal world, what is it that you would want your wife to do with this information? is this something you really *need* her to know in order to maintain or improve your relationship with her, or are you feeling a urge to tell her because you feel guilty keeping a secret like this from her?

you say you don't want your relationship to change, but revealing this information to her will almost certainly result in some sort of change. not necessarily bad--but there will be change.

i really apologize if my response is a downer--it certainly isn't meant to be!

[kvinneakt]

Penna, thank you. NOT a downer. I need all kinds of opinions. I am in agreement that this may not be information that needs or should be shared. Ann Landers (?) once said that the one thing you lie to your spouse about is having had an affair. I think this might be a close number two to keep quiet about.

[mj14]

kvinneakt, you are at the very beginning of exploring this issue, and based on the things I have read so far in this thread, I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her about this before you really have it worked out in your own mind.

But I did ask myself the question of what would I think if my husband told me something like this (I am not married, but I did just split with a man I had lived with for 11 years). The thing that keeps coming back to me is not anything about living a lie, but wondering if this means my husband does not really want to be my husband, or does not really love me. I think I remember you saying once before that you love your wife very much, and could not imagine living without her. So, I was going to say that if you told her about your gender dysphoria, you should start and finish by reassuring her that you loved her, and that you would never want your marriage to end.

So, here's the thing...I sorta think that it's the wrong time to tell her, if you decide to ever tell her. But, I am also thinking that maybe she needs some reassurance that you love her, and that you want to be her husband, even though you are not telling her. Sometimes depression causes us to act withdrawn, which can make those closest to us question our feelings for them. I'm just guessing here, but maybe when she said she needs a husband, she was really just looking for that reassurance that you need her as a wife, too. You two have shared a lifetime together...I think it might be a very good thing to tell her that you value that lifetime, and that even though right now you need her to be a friend, she is more than "just a friend" to you. (Did that make any sense?)

Anyway, that's just my two cents...maybe I'm way off base.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
*hugs*
mj

[Zenobia]

I think the best person to talk to about all this is your therapist. Having said that...

I have to wonder what would be gained by telling her. You don't sound like the whole thing is terribly distressing to you. It doesn't sound like you NEED to get this off your chest. It doesn't come across like you even need to change your behavior to be true to the way you are. At least that is the impression that I got from reading your post. I am not one who believes that you have to tell your partner every little detail of what is going on inside you. If I did my partner would go nuts and finally leave me because he couldn't tolerate hearing that at least 6 times a week the thought of killing myself crosses my mind. No, I don't want to kill myself but he would not be able to understand that thinking about is not the same as wanting to do it. So I truely believe that there are things that should not be shared with ones partner for their own sake. So ask yourself, what would she gain by knowing this about you? Would you be telling her for her sake or for your sake? Would this be something that could improve your relationship? Is it something that is detracting from your relationship now? I sometimes think that people confess to something "because they deserve to know" but really they confess to make themselves feel better because the guilt of the secret is so great. That is not a bad thing, I just think that one should be honest with ones self about the reason for the confession.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[kvinneakt]

You are all so incredibly thoughtful and perceptive. I don't know I need a therapist! (but will get one anyway) This life altering realization is truthfully rather exciting and that is an important part of why I want to talk about it. Thank goodness for you anonymous folks who I can share with safely!

I have been spent a lifetime with a hole in my heart. It seemed to be about an important part of me that never grew up. I mentioned on another support group that the part of me that never grew up was a 12 year old girl. Did I get a dopeslap for that! It was about an hour later when someone said that maybe the hole in my heart was about a little girl who never got to be a woman. A little girl still stuck inside this man's body. This hit me like the sky had fallen.

Over the next few days I learned about gender dysphoria and was amazed how many others have had the same history. Suddenly puzzling, difficult, and repressed parts of my life surfaced in a new light and they made sense. One of the most important things is how I have always preferred to be "one of the girls" in social settings and been strangely offended by comments that something I said or did was "just like a man."

Anyway, I love you all for letting me share and your sharing back. For the time being, this is the only safe place to tell the whole truth. I hope I can keep this interesting enough for you to hang in there with me while I sort out a very big, and difficult issue. I do need your help and appreciate it beyond words.

To respond to an excellent observation, I do have no intentions of changing myself into a more "womanly" person by behaviour, cross dressing, hormones, or surgery. What I see as my objective is to uncover the repressions of a lifetime and learn to accept the person in my skin. I would like to somehow let that 12 year old abandoned girl who still lives inside find a voice and help me finish growing up whole.

[Zenobia]

---What I see as my objective is to uncover the repressions of a lifetime and learn to accept the person in my skin. I would like to somehow let that 12 year old abandoned girl who still lives inside find a voice and help me finish growing up whole.--

This is truely a good reason to tell your wife.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson