[flier]

Well, I have two very close friends online. I've never been as close to anyone as I am with them, and I care about them deeply. The only problem is I'm living a big lie.

See, I used to be anorexic and then turned to coe and gained lots of weight and then I was somewhat a mixture of anorexic, coe, and bulimic. I met these people online and never intended on being friends with them. A lot of times I tend to absorb my thinking with weight, calories, food, exercise, and so on. When I first met them someone asked how much I weighed...and I gave the weight I used to be when I was anorexic b/c I was embarrased.

So then they thought I was very underweight....and I'm the type that hates to admit when I'm wrong sometimes and doesn't like to tell when I've lied. I didn't think I'd be friends with them. It was online...I didn't think you could get close to anybody online. I was too embarrased and stubborn to admit I lied so I ended up using it....b/c I'm very much into my eating issues and weight's a big part of it.

I've wanted to tell them for so long, but I haven't for many reasons. I'm embarrassed b/c I'm not underweight, and after being caught in these eating issues for over a year shouldn't I be thin by now? I didn't think anyone would take me seriously or they'd be laughing inside b/c I had eating issues and wasn't thin. I didn't want to admit I lied...especially after having known them for a year and a half. I didn't want to hurt them...it would crush both of them and I don't want to cause them any more pain. I don't want our relationships to change. I've lied about that, but I've been honest with everything else (and oddly enough with the one person I can't seem to lie about anything but this). These are all apart of it.... I've wanted to tell them so many times. I've written out things....but have never given them to anyone.

The guilt grows more and more each day. It's hard for me to talk to them without feeling so horrible about lying to them.

Last fall I wanted to kill myself b/c I thought my one friend knew and I hated myself so much b/c I was afraid I'd hurt him.

I know what I need to do. I need to tell them. Yet, when I think about it the only option that comes to mind is leaving them so I can't hurt them. I've been in a fight with the one friend and I know I can just leave now.... The other one I don't know about. I want to tell him and I'd also like to leave him so I don't hurt him. He's very dependent on me though...and I'm his only friend. We're very close and I'd have to admit I'm very dependent on him also.

I know this isn't the right thinking...the right thing to do would be to tell the truth. I always think about this and decide to put it on the shelf for later, but when the time comes to take it off and do something..I never do.

Sorry this was so long....Does anyone have any advice to make it easier and so I don't hurt them so much?

~flier

[penna]

this will probably sound lame, but i think you've explained yourself pretty well in your post--i'd try just sending them what you've written here.

is your reason for wanting to leave them *really* to avoid hurting them, or is it to avoid possibly having them reject you?

[Peanut61]

Hi Flier: I'm not sure exactly what to say, because I know there is a whole world about which I know little re: eating disorders.

I have weight issues/compulsive overeating, etc., but it's not the same (I don't think - I don't really know).

I guess I thought that once one had an eating disorder, they always had the propensity toward relapse, and were considered 'in recovery' if they manage to beat the severe manifestations of the disorder. Is that sort of correct?

If it is, then I'm not sure how the actual numbers on the scale are really relevant to whether you have the disorder or not, do you know what I mean; I guess I'm trying to say that I'm not sure that I see how you've even 'lied' to your friends...Isn't it more the constant focus on the calories, weight, etc., to the point of compulsion that is the issue, and not what the scale says?

If I started purging on a regular basis, to the point that I felt compelled to do so, would it make me 'less' bulemic because I am still heavy...

If the thing is that you've discussed the exact amount that you weigh with your friends, and fudged a bit, (no pun intended), I mean, haven't we all? I sure as heck don't say how much I actually weigh, not even on my driver's license.

I just hope that this situation doesn't make you want to do yourself harm like you said = you're friends wouldn't have you available to them at all then, right? Is the 'number' really so important = you guys are bound by the underlying issues causing the disorder, right, not by how many pounds someone weighs = or is that part of the disorder?

See, I just don't know, so I don't want to say... I guess I really just want to encourage you to go a bit easy on yourself, and to take good care of your emotional health, and don't let this thing beat you up... Take care, and I'll check back with you, OK?

Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Flyer, you've answered your own question. You know the right answer. One way or the other, your friends are going to be hurt, but if it was me, I'd rather you tell me the truth than to stop being my friend. That would hurt me more. They may have a difficult time trusting you now, but you can always rebuild that trust by being very truthful all the time from now on. You will have to prove yourself.

I would definitely tell them why you felt you had to lie to them. To me, it's easy to understand, but then... it wasn't me you lied to. Still, I think they will understand after the initial shock.

Have faith!

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[flier]

Yes, eating disorders aren't about weight and it doesn't matter how much you weigh to have an eating disorder. I was afraid they'd think badly of me though....that they'd think "Geez, how can she have eating issues? She's so fat...."

See, it's not as if I just stated that I was underweight. I talked about food and weight all the time b/c it was on my mind all the time. I'd say how fat I was and they'd always say I wasn't...but I am.

:is your reason for wanting to leave them *really* to avoid hurting them, or is it to avoid possibly having them reject you?:

It's both actually. With my one friend it's more about rejection. IIt's selfish, I know. I would do anything not to see him hurt..especially by me. Yet, fear of him leaving me or rejecting me is greater. Then with my other friend he's just so fragile....it would hurt him so much. He's very depressed and sometimes suicidal. He would blame himself and beat himself up for it when it was all me. I don't want to lose him either...but with him I worry more about hurting him.

I wish I could start over and just have a completely honest relationship with them. They except me for who I am...and that's so hard b/c I never expected that. I've never really opened myself up to anyone...but I have with them.

Yet, I can't turn back time so I have to deal with the present. I don't want to do that either...I don't like either outcome so I just keep prolonging it. And that's just making it worse.

I have a problem with lying. I'm trying to stop that though, and I've done very well except for this. In the past, I tended to be a habitual lier. I've grown a lot over the past year, and have come to find how good it is to be honest rather than lie. The more I grow, the more this tears me apart.

I'm trying to be upfront and honest with the new people I meet. In the past lies would just come out before I had a chance to think about it. I'm doing better though....and I see I'm getting off topic here.

Thanks for your advice. I wish this would all just go away, but I know it won't. *sigh* Take gentle care.

Hugs,
flier

[kvinneakt]

It really is so much easier to be honest. Just the plain truth.

I think your explanations here would be more than adequate for working out the mess with your friends. True friends may need a moment to adjust, but they will stick with you.

When you relive yourself of the burdon of deception, you will feel much better, too. Your friends will respond to this favorably.

Isn't this forum a great place to practice saying the hard stuff?

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

[heidu]

Flier,
Honesty in friendship is really important. You've kinda backed yourself into a corner and there are just a couple options of getting out. Walk away from the friendship which will hurt everyone and be final
OR
Fess up and explain just like you did here why you did it. Say your sorry and the rest is up to them. Only they can decide what is best for them.

Chances are they will forgive you after they have a little time to think about it. Things may be a little akward for awhile but you have the opportunity to earn thier trust back.

I recommend option 2. It's not final and you very well may be able to keep one if not both of your friends. Option 1 everyone loses.

You may as well get it over with. I know it's hard but it will eat at you and postponing it will not make it go away.

Take care of yourself,
Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
~ Carl Bard ~

[LMo]

I don't know - call me callous - but I don't think I would take it personally if I were in Flier's friends' shoes. If I became really close with an online friend and they told me a white lie (because face it, Flier's real weight really should not make one iota of difference to the friends), I think I'd say "okay" and then continue with whatever the preceding conversation is. I don't think it would affect my trust, especially if Flier comes clean completely on her own. I doubt I would be hurt over something like this.

Ian is going to be a-ok!

[Rapunzel]

I agree. If I were one of your friends and you told me your weight but it wasn't your real weight, then you told me the truth, I don't think it would be a big deal.

Since a focus of the friendship has been that they have been encouraging you to eat because you are anorexic and they think you are underweight, they might be a little hurt because they have worried about you being underweight and that isn't the truth, but I still don't think it would be something to end a friendship over. I think you will all be able to laugh about it a few months from now.

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

[flier]

Thanks you all for all of the advice. And, you're right...I need to do this..I need to tell them.

Well, something new has happened also. I truly think one of my friends is leaving me. I haven't told either of them yet. The one said that it hurts him too much to see me hurting so much and not doing anything. He wishes he could help me, but over the past year and a half he hasn't been able to. He has helped me though. He's referring to my eating problem, in his words "how intoxicating your family is", my t, how I hate myself and view myself, and that's about it I think.

I tried talking to him..but he still won't talk to me. So that's that I suppose. Do I still tell him? Or if it's ending anyhow should I keep it to myself?

I know I still have one other person to tell.... *sigh*

I can't help thinking that I deserved this...deserved for him to leave me. You know the saying "What goes around, comes around..."

I wish I was a better person, and I'm trying to be. I still have to fix things in the past though.

Thank-you all for your support and advice. I read the posts here, and I usually don't know what to say. It makes me sad b/c I want to help you guys too. I can offer hugs though. Take care.

~flier

[heidu]

Flier,
Your hugs help just fine.
I wish you the best in doing what you have to do. It will be hard but we are backing you and we'll be here for you.

It's up to you whether you tell the person you feel you are already losing. Maybe even if he decided to go his own way he might feel better knowing the truth. He may also see it as a step forward for you and want to stay around. No way to know but really nothing to lose?

"I wish I was a better person, and I'm trying to be. I still have to fix things in the past though."

You are a better person!!! By opening up, being honest, wanting to make things right, you are growing. It takes a decent person to come clean after a mistake. The easy way out is to walk away and forget.

You are trying and that's makes you " a better person" already. :O) You have the chance to fix things in the past and not make the same mistakes in the future.

Give yourself a hug from me today :O)
Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~ Carl Bard ~