[HotRod74]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 yrs, I'm 25 and he's 35, and recently he said wanted some space, to see where he stands and to see if this is what he wants in a relationship, so he moved in with his brother. I feel like he has some form of depression but I know he won’t go to a doctor because I asked if we could maybe do some counselling and he said no because it’s stupid. He gets to where he doesn’t want to be bothered by me or his own children, doesn’t want to talk to anyone or anything. He says he feels like he works for nothing, and isn’t getting anywhere in life. He says he loves me, and cares about me, and has never felt this way about anyone, but doesn’t know if this is what he wants in a relationship. He’s had two failed marriages and has one child from each, so I don’t know if he’s afraid this will fail too. I’m so confused about what to do at this point because I want to help him, but he won’t let me. I know he has to make the first step, and I can’t make him, but I don’t want to loose him. It's starting to affect the way I feel, I don't want to go to work, I hate going anywhere and being around anyone anymore, I just want to stay home. I want to call and talk to him all the time because I feel like I have no answers. I don't know if he's through and doesn't want to tell me, if I should just give him his space. He seeps saying just give me my space and see what happens. I've never loved anyone as much as I do him, he means the world to me and I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO, I am absolutely lost. Any advice????

[jerrymichele]

IMO I think he's going to come back. He's probably scared because of the other 2 relationships. Do you 2 get along well?

[Shangrala]

From what you provided, I don't think that you are losing him. It is quite possible that he is harboring past issues regarding his other loses, which he quite possibly feels he, himself has failed? Therefore, maybe reflects those past failures upon yet another possible one with you?
Fear of failure alone can be a subconscious cause of creating another act of failure, (Sometimes, we create for ourselves what we fear the most).

If he has asked you for space, then you need to respect that. Give him the chance to think through what is troubling him. Do what you can to not invade his time requested.

Have faith in the love you two share. Try to refrain from focusing on doubt and loss, and try to redirect any negative thoughts into positive.
He needs your support. Offer him that support by having faith.
Positive attracts positive.
If he senses that you are doubting the love you two have, it would then seem that that would only support his sense of failure?

I realize that this is a troubling time for you, (and for him as well). However, there is no purpose of having such fears surface if there is no just cause? Perhaps, you are focusing too much on the "what if's" (regarding loss), and not enough on the "will be's" (regarding gain).

Give him a reason to KNOW that you are a safe place TO return to. Be his sense of security, instead of possibly an addition to his already present sense of doubt?

As for your present, while he is away and needing his time alone, focus on you. Do what you can to surround self with positive thoughts.

I hope this helps some.
I wish the best for you and your love.

Shangrala

[HotRod74]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

IMO I think he's going to come back. He's probably scared because of the other 2 relationships. Do you 2 get along well?

We got along great,and still do , the only time he gets mad is when I cry, or keep asking the same questions. We never argued about anything, always had a great relationship. He's told me over the past few weeks that this has been going on that I have been good to him and his kids, and that he just doesn't have any answers for me. I know I need to give him the space he ask for but it's just so hard not to be able to talk to him, or see him everyday. He won't even tell me he loves me anymore, when I say it to him, he says "I know you do." That was also something, he thinks I say it too much, he said if you know you love each other you don't have to say it 50 times a day. He said sometimes he feels like I'm trying to convince myself, but thats not the case, I feel like I need to reassure him, but he doesn't see it that way. I told him the other day that I didn't want my feelings to go away for him and that was something I was afraid of and he said if you love me the way you say you do now, then you'll love me in 10 yrs. And then I start thinking, well, if he says I've been good to him, is he doing this because he don't want to hurt and is waiting on me to make the first move to end it? It's like my mind is a marry-go-round of questions, some get answers, but most don't. It's driving me crazy, I'm driving myself crazy. He also said he felt like me and the kids smothered him, mostly me. In the beginning of our relationship, we both wanted to be with each other all the time, I guess I just never got over it. He said it's not that he doesn't want to be around me or the kids he just needs some time for himself, and I understand that now, but he never really made it clear to me until now. He feels like I can't give him that time if he does come home, and I told him you're not going to know until to try it and see for yourself.

[HotRod74]

I'm so confused now, he came over today and we started talking, he said that he has went from one relationship to another since he was 16. Which was basically his last 2 marriages then me, and he never had any alone time in between any of them. I know when we first started seeing each other he had just separated from his last wife and wasn't even divorced yet, and we've been together ever since. He said he would love to have some alone time, for it to be just him. But he also said he may find out 2 weeks down the road he's miserable without me and feel like he made the biggest mistake, but he doesn't know because he hasn't had the chance to see if he will miss me. This all started back in April, he didn't move out until the end of May, it wasn't even two weeks after he left that he sent me a text message at 5am while he was at work saying Good morning baby, I have missed you and thought about you all night. And now he says that was him giving me false hope that he shouldn't have sent it, not saying he didn't mean it but he doesn't want me to think everything is just fine. There are other issues within our relationship that he has mentioned before but never to where I thought it would affect us in this way, and he said that was his mistake because he should have made it clear to me how it affected him. We had made a deal that if things didn't work out by August 1st, I would try and find my own place, and when I asked him if I should start looking he says you know I look at everything negatively, I always expect the worse and hope for the best. I don't know what he means by that. I don't know what any of this means. He says he doesn't feel like he's made a mistake by being with me that I have been so good to him, and his kids, and I was the best thing that ever happened to him. So I don't understand why he don't want to come home and work things out together. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm scared he's going to like being alone and not going to miss me. I just don't understand, and he has no answers as to why he feels this way.

[Shangrala]

Awww...HR~

I'm so sorry this is so difficult for you. I know how it feels to have to go through that uncertainty.

"Have no expectations, but rather, abundant expectancy".
In other words, "expect the worst" (prepare yourself for what the worst can offer), and "hope for the best" (remain hopeful that this will work out). I believe this is what he meant when he told you that. Although, this applies to you, as well. It is to your benefit to prepare yourself for that worst, that way you will not be devistated IF he chooses not to continue.

I am still inclined to think that he is in some serious need of his own space for now, which I also think is no reflection on what he feels for you.
Because of the fact that he really has had no time to himself before you, or at all, really, he has reached a point of needing just that for himself, which is perfectly normal and rational. Again, I do not believe it is a reflection on YOU.

Allow him the time he requests with minimal contacting (I know how difficult that must be for you). It seems though, that if you go against his requests by repeatedly contacting him, then it's quite possible that you just may add to the issue he is presently experiencing, (which at this time is not because of you)..Don't make it that way for him. Don't provide him a reason to want to stay away from YOU, as that is not the case at present.
He is honorable enough to be upfront and honest with you regarding what is going on with him. And I'm certain that you appreciate that. Acknowledge that by respecting his requests.

From all that you have provided, it sounds as though he simply needs to have some space to think things through for himself. And I really dont think that this is a reflection on you, or his relationship with you, as from what you've provided, your relationship seems quite sound.

Allow time to be your ali. Do your best to wait for August 1st with as little interruptions as you possibly can. This will prove beneficial.

Keep in touch. Let us know how it's going.
My thoughts are with you.

Shangrala

[jerrymichele]

I agree with Shangrala. Even though this is very hard for you, these issues he is dealing with has nothing to do with you. I will say this; he is showing respect for you, because a lot of men wouldn't be honest. He probably does miss you, he just doesn't want to give you false hope. When you talk to him try not to talk about the relationship. Talk to us and your friends about it. I'm saying this because you don't want to pressure him right now. This could turn him off. Save you money just incase the worst happens. I'm not saying it is, I'm just saying so you won't be out on the street if worst comes to the worst. Keep posting so we know how you are doing.

[HotRod74]

That was one of the reasons he left because he knows I don't have any family here and I have no where else to go, and he didn't want to put me out on the streets. I feel really good about the situation at times, but then I get the sick empty feeling that i just NEED to talk to him, and I know it just makes it worse when I call him, but I just can't seem to control it. I've tried to explain it to him but he doesn't seem to understand, even though he says he know how I feel. I just absolutely hate him not wanting to tell me he loves me, when he says he does, doesn't want to give me a kiss on the lips, always on the cheek, and barely gives me a hug. It's almost seems like he's afraid he may feel something from it, I have no idea. I know I'm continuing to spiral downward, I can't eat, hardly sleep anymore, and today I didn't even want to come home because I knew I was coming home to an empty house, and being alone. I've never felt this way before, I've had 2 other relationships, one 5 years, and the other 6 months, and never did I feel this depressed. The 6 month one I ended to be with Nick. He told me yesterday he was afraid that if we didn't work things out I was going to start seeing a bunch of different people, not that it would be any of his business, but he didn't want to see me to that, what does that mean, why even say anything like that. That I don't understand, but I haven't called him today, nor text, and I hope I can keep it that way.

[jerrymichele]

Personally I think he's going to come back to you. Just don't take my word for it. I think that he is distant because he is worried about your feelings. He doesn't want to give false hope. He does show all the signs that he is going to come back. Just stay positive, and keep talking to us. You can even pm me if you want.

[Shangrala]

Hi, HR~

You stated:
He told me yesterday he was afraid that if we didn't work things out I was going to start seeing a bunch of different people, not that it would be any of his business, but he didn't want to see me to that, what does that mean, why even say anything like that. That I don't understand, but I haven't called him today, nor text, and I hope I can keep it that way.

In response to that in bold:
It's only obvious that he still loves you. And just from all the other posts of yours so far I can honestly say that I seriously doubt that this is just a manipulative tactic on his part to "keep you handy" in case his intentions don't pan out for him. He hasn't any alterior motives here, other than seeking his own answers for himself.

From all that you've offered, (including that in your pm....which, btw, I do intend to address soon...lol), he is attempting to "follow the beat of his own drum", if you will, and that alone seems to be a completely new rhythm for him. And, as of yet, he is uncertain exactly what that beat really is. I can also say with almost absoluteness that, this is more than likely confusing him as much as it is you.
Because of the fact that he is not manipulative, or sneaky, (his actions have proven honorable in every sense of the word), his statement to you (in bold) only tells that it scares him that his actions may result in losing you. He knows he has a good thing with you. Also knows that by persuing to seek to fill this void of his own, he is taking a high risk in losing the one he loves. A very high price to pay. I can only imagine the confusion he must be experiencing.

I also have to say.....BRAVO for your sticking to your guns and resisting contact. Reward yourself a lil something for such a success, as you definately deserve that.
I strongly believe that for each step you allow him away, it will be that step closer back to you.
Become his "safe place" TO return to.
Offer him the awareness that, once he does discover what he seeks, that it is exactly where he first began his journey.

I cannot agree with jerrymichele more: When you do speak with him, talk about how HE is doing. Do your absolute best to NOT talk about yourself or the relationship, or anything relating to either. Gawd...I know how hard that will be, but try to remind yourself that every time you talk about either yourself or anything pertaining to yourself, (relationship), you are quite possibly shoving him that much further and faster away from you.
When you talk with him....talk about HIM. Express true concern AND interest about HIS day. How HE is feeling. And allow him the opportunity to reply without reacting.
Then, when you need to scream, rant, question or cry.....Return to us. We are here to help you through this.

I know how hard this is for you TO provide him the space.
Just like holding onto an adorable lil puppy....The tighter you hang on, the more that lil bundle will struggle to free itself.
Hold on gently, but don't let go. Offer the space to move freely, but with both arms in dedicated support.

I hope this offers some support to you for now, anyway. I'll be responding to pm soon.

You're in thots n heart....

Shangrala

[HotRod74]

I agree with you guys about not talking about MYself, MY feelings or the relationship, b/c he has pointed out to me that I keep saying I want, I want, and not asking what does HE WANT, and that goes back to not listening AGAIN. I keep thinking about everything that has been said between us, and it just makes me feel worse b/c I realize that all of this could have possibly been avoided if I would have listened to him the first time, and not just when he got real upset about it. But he has told me he is at fault also, that it's not just my fault, but I see it differently now, I just hope I'm not too late.

[Jenn1fer82]

Originally Posted by HotRod74

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 yrs, I'm 25 and he's 35, and recently he said wanted some space, to see where he stands and to see if this is what he wants in a relationship, so he moved in with his brother. I feel like he has some form of depression but I know he won’t go to a doctor because I asked if we could maybe do some counselling and he said no because it’s stupid. He gets to where he doesn’t want to be bothered by me or his own children, doesn’t want to talk to anyone or anything. He says he feels like he works for nothing, and isn’t getting anywhere in life. He says he loves me, and cares about me, and has never felt this way about anyone, but doesn’t know if this is what he wants in a relationship. He’s had two failed marriages and has one child from each, so I don’t know if he’s afraid this will fail too. I’m so confused about what to do at this point because I want to help him, but he won’t let me. I know he has to make the first step, and I can’t make him, but I don’t want to loose him. It's starting to affect the way I feel, I don't want to go to work, I hate going anywhere and being around anyone anymore, I just want to stay home. I want to call and talk to him all the time because I feel like I have no answers. I don't know if he's through and doesn't want to tell me, if I should just give him his space. He seeps saying just give me my space and see what happens. I've never loved anyone as much as I do him, he means the world to me and I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO, I am absolutely lost. Any advice????

My boyfriend deals with his stress the way your boyfriend and thats isolating themselves with they've had enough of their troubles. I would worry and want to be by his side to comfort him but in reality that had only made things worst. The best thing you can do is simply tell him that you're aware he's not doing so well right now and that you will respect him for wanting his space and remind him that you'll here to be there for him and just have him call you when he needs you. His mind his cluttered with stress and he won't be able to be himself and be there for you like before. Be strong and not let our worries get the best of you. Don't panic and make things worst for the two of your guys. The future of your relationships will work out if its meant to be, you can't control how he feels. Allow him to think things through and when its time he'll come back to you. I had always learned this the hard way.