Guilty of Infidelity

An update is in order here. :-)

First of all, the whole affair did expose issues that were once hidden from plain sight. There is obvious communication issues going on, but that's only one of the problems that we were having. The housework was unfairly balanced, such that I was doing most of the labour and she was doing only bill paying. The social life is non-existant. And it was irritating that I would decide all of the time what to do whenever we go out when half the time I don't even know and she won't contribute any ideas because she doesn't know either. She was also becoming overweight and that was an issue. You know how anxiety, stress and depression manifests themselves into over-eating. That's what was going on and I couldn't get a straight answer from her at all. Also she is still dependant on her parents. For example, going back to the housework issue, she stated to her mother and myself that she was used to having someone doing all the housework for her. As well, when she found out about the affair the first people she did tell were her parents at their house.

What is hopeful is that her parents are pretty open-minded and they know the situation. They agree that the both of us needs to make changes in our daily routine or otherwise, yes, divorce, seperation, what have you. I hate to say there is an emphasis on her, but there is. What's more, her mother and I are thinking on the same wavelength, so I wasn't automatically discarded as a cheating creep of a man, but more like a guy struggling to communicate with his wife and becoming frustrated.

Thanks for all the help people!

John76...

I'm browsing and reading a lot here, I'm new. But your thread caught my eye and I've read it several times. You sound like a good, decent person.

Your posts gave me insight on what happens inside of a guy's head when he cheats, and you sound as if you're hurting a lot. I was on the other side of the fence... my ex cheated and he cheated a lot. Long story there, but the secrecy of the situation nearly killed me.

Your "mistress" isn't just an "internet" person -- there is a real person behind that screen. Someone with real feelings, flesh, blood, bone... well, you get the point. And everyone is unique. I'm certain she sparked an interest in you.

I hope it goes well for you when you send your letter.

I feel for you... when marriages go sour, it's hard. Perhaps if you still love your wife enough to make it work out with her, you can try to be honest with her and go to both individual and couples counseling.

I appreciate your posts, it helped me get insight on a lot of things in my own situation. I used to belivee my ex never felt guilty for what he did. I can see that through your post that he too may have gone through a lot of agony and guilt, and maybe was unable to express that.

Take care... I hope you don't mind if I follow your posts about this. It helps me a lot.

Thanks.

I decided to be open about all of this because I figured it wouldn't matter if I get caught anyway. I might as well expose myself as a cheater then having to carry on a lie, you know?

I can't speak for all men but there is guilt there. In my case, just a lot of things were not happening and I was either getting frustrated or disappointed and it wasn't a secret to anyone. Men are bad at hiding feelings. It's more torture, really. (IE: "How am I supposed to explain this?") I don't know. Maybe each situation is different.

Yeah. I do know "my mistress" is flesh and blood and has real feelings. As such I don't think I could afford to carry on the relationship any further and that hurt me realizing that. It even hurts when I refer to her as a mistress, because she is a lot more than that. I mentioned before that she respects honesty and I can never be honest with her. Supposing my marriage were to end now...I can't go to my former mistress. There would be no way I can do that. She doesn't deserve that.

No, it's better that I continue to attempt to repair the damage...and actually see if it is repairable.

I'm glad I was able to help out. Even if all I was doing was displaying the mind of a cheater.

John, you're a great guy.

Just from my perspective, what you are saying aobut being open about it is a gift for you and for your wife. My ex lied so much, buried so much... I thought I was going crazy. But, his problems were also much deeper than yours. He got involved in a lot of things that would take years probably for us to work through, and the depression it caused me didn't help.

I can see in some instances how guilty he feels, and yet my anger is still there for the many lies and the long-term deceit. Not only did he have an affair, he was literally having multiple affiars simultaneously. And in our case, until I started suspecting what he was up to, we had a pretty good sex life. Not perfect, no fantasy, but pretty darned active.

I agree with someone else who posted that it is better to try to repair and work on your marriage than it is to throw it away. Your wife will no doubt feel a lot of anger, pain, and hurt. She is trying in her own way, and your wife does deserve your honesty.

No matter what though, I hope you present your truth to her in a way that does not make her feel inadequate or as if she is lacking something. I would surmise that her imagination may be running wild too. She may be full of questions, and will take a long time to rebuild trust in you.

Yes. Men are not good at hiding feelings. I noticed my ex becoming more depressed and miserable each day. I took the high road for a long time -- i tried to work on myself... taking care of myself, studying, working, taking care of our kids. But the constant stress and worry about not getting my personal needs met -- the lack of affection, time together, that sort of thing -- killed me inside for a long time.

It is good to be open and honest (but in a kind way). Secrets have a way of building and then exploding when you least expect it. I hope it all works well for you. In the long run, it is much easier to repair the damage when you first realize what is wrong and you are truthful.

Take care.