[amy83]

We got in a fight last night pretty much our first one. I cried I couldn't help it cried for a couple hours. Woke up this morning with my chest hurting a sore throat puffy eyes and a headache.

We fought because he says I'm too needy and I flipped out over nothing. I got upset because he was online and that was the one thing I asked him not to last night. I wanted everything to just be perfect the boys were in bed early and i just wanted to lay in his arms and watch a movie and try to get him in the mood and then go to sleep with him. Instead I fell asleep on the couch while he was online then i got mad when I woke up.
I know that I'm needy and I'm trying not to be as much. But I feel like I haven't had enough of him lately. He says we're okay that he's not mad but he wants his space. Says he might stay home during the week for a couple weeks. And he doesn't want to talk as much. I don't want to ruin this relationship. I feel like I'm never going to find a guy that will be happy with me.I'm falling so much for him and i want a future, I just don't know how to give him his space and not be so"needy" while still getting what I want out of it. I don't know what to do....

[marjan]

okay....easy....it's just a fight and he told you already that he is not mad at you....just don't push his button to make it worse.....stay cool and give him his space, he will get back to you.....can you do that?
keep yourself busy with something else....don't bug him....you can't avoid fights in the relationship, even relationship with your friends have up and down.....stay positive and things will get better.....

with love
Marjan

[amy83]

Marjan
I'm really trying I haven't heard from since this afternoon when he sent the email telling me we shouldn't talk so much and just talk before we go to bed. That's why I'm on here trying not to call him. I've been kind of busy today.( My son had a soccer game, he scored three goals. Yeah for my little athlete!!!)
I'm just so afraid that I messed it up especially last night cuz I just kept trying to get him to talk to me when all he wanted to do was go home. I didn't want him to. He slept in my recliner til 4 am when he finally came upstairs. But I couldn't stop crying and I didnt want him to leave. Really I just wanted him to hold me and tell me we would be okay. I know I'm pitiful. He says maybe my drug is needing to be hugged and kissed and cuddled, and that in the beggining just one hug is enough but then the longer it goes the more I need, and that's my addiction. That what he does I don't notice because I just keep needing more of it to fill my addiction. I just wanna feel happy and cared about. And I need it physically so I feel it mentally.

[marjan]

so....if you keep thinking about losing him, then that will happen....
don't worry....he will come back to you....
well...you showed him how needy you are and how much you need him, and he's comfortable knowing that he can do whatever he wants and still come back to you.....
keep in your mind that your emotions are not you, they are yours....you are master of your emotions, you got to use them....right now, each time you think about him, just shift your thoughts to something else....
you haven't lost him yet....it's just a day or so....probably it gets longer....be paitient, it will pay off at the end....
I used to be like you....but now, I understood how useless all these behaviours are....you want him so much, but you can't have him by crying and clinging....as much as you cry, try to convinece him or cling to him, he will go further from you....so, just stay strong and if you want him, then don't do all these.....
do you know how to meditate....try it....it will help you to cool down....do you have any fate, you can pray....
but try to take your mind away from him....don't be scared....he will come back to you....and dont' call him...be relaxed....

with love
Marjan

[amy83]

Originally Posted by marjan

so....if you keep thinking about losing him, then that will happen....
don't worry....he will come back to you....
well...you showed him how needy you are and how much you need him, and he's comfortable knowing that he can do whatever he wants and still come back to you.....
keep in your mind that your emotions are not you, they are yours....you are master of your emotions, you got to use them....right now, each time you think about him, just shift your thoughts to something else....
you haven't lost him yet....it's just a day or so....probably it gets longer....be paitient, it will pay off at the end....
I used to be like you....but now, I understood how useless all these behaviours are....you want him so much, but you can't have him by crying and clinging....as much as you cry, try to convinece him or cling to him, he will go further from you....so, just stay strong and if you want him, then don't do all these.....
do you know how to meditate....try it....it will help you to cool down....do you have any fate, you can pray....
but try to take your mind away from him....don't be scared....he will come back to you....and dont' call him...be relaxed....

with love
Marjan

I'm not gonna call him I think he will probably call me at some point tonight. He said he still wants to hang out on the weekends and do stuff. And we already had plans for Sunday. To go to a festival that he really knows i've wanted to go to for years. So i don't think he will blow that off. He's suppossed to be going out with his bestfriend tommorrow night. So maybe that will help him feel better about this, going out without me...
I'm just hoping that I can tone it down so he doesn't get annoyed with me and feel "overwhelmed"...his words....

[AAAAA]

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but am I to understand that he came over to see you and was online instead? You don't live together? He came to your house and went online? I find that rude. I'd be mad too. If this lack of concideration and attention is going on now in the dating stage what will the future bring?

[amy83]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but am I to understand that he came over to see you and was online instead? You don't live together? He came to your house and went online? I find that rude. I'd be mad too. If this lack of concideration and attention is going on now in the dating stage what will the future bring?

No we don't live together. I get why he went online, he is so interested in computers and that.... And he wants to be a sound engineer. He was looking up stuff on soddering because he wants to start making his own circuit boards. And normally I don't care if he's online, because he doesn't have internet right now. But yeah i asked him to not bring his laptop(because I told him on sunday I dont feel like his gf anymore just his friend). He told me okay he wouldn't bring it, but then he used mine it just made me so angry because after half an hour he was still on there, And i was asleep on the couch cuz i gave up waiting for him. I don't know if I'm trying to make this like a movie and it's unrealistic but I just wanted to have the night the two of us, I wanted to just be with him. And yeah i wanted to be clingy!!!!
I feel like just telling him can we make one night a week where we do that and he just holds me and gives me his attention even if all the attention I want is to lay on my couch in his arms. But I don't know if I should. I feel like if we did that then it wouldn't bother me if the other nights he was here he was online, and I could go to sleep earlier than him as long as he comes up to bed evetually. And maybe then I wouldn't care as much when we're out and we don't hold hands as much or I wouldn't want him to hug me all the time.(like he feels I do). I dunno maybe I'm just too much of a touchy feely person

[bipolo]

I know it is really hard when you want something so much, but you have kids to worry about too. If you start playing a little hard to get you might find him getting more interested in what you are up to. You need to set boundries for yourself. Would you allow someone you were not interested in treat you this way? AAAAA is right if he came over to your house to "see" you and got on your computer that is rude. You deserve better than that. There is someone out there who wants to spend time WITH you and not just at your house. Learn to respect yourself and your time, which is valuable and others will respect you too and you won't end up with someone who just wants to use your computer. They have computers at libraries tell him to go use those before he comes over.

[AAAAA]

I'm sorry, I still don't see that the problem is yours, at least not in the same way you do. He doesn't have internet so rather than spend a romantic evening with his girlfriend he's surfing the web? He's treating you very poorly and instead of saying get out I deserve more than this you're blaming yourself for being too needy. You may be needy, I don't know since I don't know you but I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable. In fact you're willing to settle for one night a week of what you want to do and the rest of the week it's his choice? Where is the compromise?

At the risk of sounding harsh, if he'd had sex with you that night I'd think he saw you as a booty call with internet privledges. But the way you've posted he doesn't even want the sex. What exactly are you getting from this relationship?

[amy83]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I'm sorry, I still don't see that the problem is yours, at least not in the same way you do. He doesn't have internet so rather than spend a romantic evening with his girlfriend he's surfing the web? He's treating you very poorly and instead of saying get out I deserve more than this you're blaming yourself for being too needy. You may be needy, I don't know since I don't know you but I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable. In fact you're willing to settle for one night a week of what you want to do and the rest of the week it's his choice? Where is the compromise?

At the risk of sounding harsh, if he'd had sex with you that night I'd think he saw you as a booty call with internet privledges. But the way you've posted he doesn't even want the sex. What exactly are you getting from this relationship?

He really is good at evreything but the physical part of it... He plans stuff for us to do on the weekends with the boys. Since their dad doesn't take them much. We went to drag races last weekend for my older son. And he kept saying he was probably gonna go out with his friends for the fourth but he came here instead so we could take both the boys to the fireworks. He has taught my oldest to make sandwhiches. He will look for sea glass on the beach with me, and build sand castles with the boys. Some sunday morinings he gets up with the boys so i can sleep in.
I dunno maybe i just expect too much from him. Maybe he's just not as affectionate of a person as i thought he would be and he's perfect with everything else, and i should be happy.

[AAAAA]

It does sound like he's very good with your children which is a definate bonus, but his relationship is with you. Since this is so important to you and does not seem even on his radar it definately needs to be addressed. A wise person recommended to me sending your concerns via email. You can express what you want to say, without interruption, read it over and make any changes you think are necessary. I think the suggestion would be helpful here too. This way both of you can get whatever you want off your chest without pressure of an immediate response from the other.

bipolo had some good points too, set up some boundaries. Let him know that one those nights he comes to your house that the time after the kids are asleep is adult time. Internet time can be the other days of the week. Perhaps your part of the compromise can be that you're not going to make every adult time a happy ending and be satisfied with just spending time together.

I believe someone already mentioned he might be avoiding it because the meds make it difficult for him so he wants to avoid the situation entirely. So turn down the pressure. You said that the physcial contact is your addiction, could you perhaps be seeking that because you do not recognize other forms of affection as love? By that I mean does is the physcial part the only way that you can feel loved?

[jerrymichele]

AAAAA and bipolo have really good points. I would also like to add that when men are mad they pull away. Pulling away is there natural instinct. When my bf does this I leave him alone. I won't talk to him. Then when he is ready to talk we do figure out a compromise.

[amy83]

bipolo had some good points too, set up some boundaries. Let him know that one those nights he comes to your house that the time after the kids are asleep is adult time. Internet time can be the other days of the week. Perhaps your part of the compromise can be that you're not going to make every adult time a happy ending and be satisfied with just spending time together.

I believe someone already mentioned he might be avoiding it because the meds make it difficult for him so he wants to avoid the situation entirely. So turn down the pressure. You said that the physcial contact is your addiction, could you perhaps be seeking that because you do not recognize other forms of affection as love? By that I mean does is the physcial part the only way that you can feel loved?[/quote]

When i say i need the physical part i don't mean the sex it's more of just being and held and hugged and such. I'm gonna try to talk to him about us compromising and spending one night a week just us no computer but we'll see. We're suppossed to hang out this weekend and I'm gonna try my hardest to not be clingy and see what happens.

Only other problem is I don't know if I will be able to not get upset on sunday because once again we have plans for something that i really want to do. And whenever we have plans i get super stressed and i get angry and snap at him at times, and the boys too.
Just wish me luck, and any comments or help would be great

[AAAAA]

I understand that it's not just the sex, but "normally" this type of activity leads to sex and since he's having trouble in that area he may be trying to avoid it entirely.

What is it that is stressing you out? Why are you snapping? I ask because I am this way and it turns out that this is an aspect of OCD, which there is medication to help manage.

[amy83]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I understand that it's not just the sex, but "normally" this type of activity leads to sex and since he's having trouble in that area he may be trying to avoid it entirely.

What is it that is stressing you out? Why are you snapping? I ask because I am this way and it turns out that this is an aspect of OCD, which there is medication to help manage.

I really don't know what makes me snap and stress out. That's what bothers me so much about it. We make plans for things to do, and I'm all excited but when we don't get out of the house right on time or it takes longer to get there or whatever I stress. I feel inside like I'm wound up so tight I'm gonna break. I don't understand it.

[AAAAA]

Definately discuss this with your doctor. I'm the same way, the meds can help.

[amy83]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

Definately discuss this with your doctor. I'm the same way, the meds can help.

I don't feel this way everyday. Mostly just when I'm trying to get somewhere important.... Sometimes in the mornings when I'm trying to get my oldest to school and time and myself to work on time.

I really don't want to talk to my Doctor because he is a family doctor and is also my children's doctor and my parents doctor. But in order to go to a specialist you have to have a referral from your Doctor.

I wonder if what I feel is just normal because of everything I'm going through right now. I just don't know.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by amy83

I don't feel this way everyday. Mostly just when I'm trying to get somewhere important.... Sometimes in the mornings when I'm trying to get my oldest to school and time and myself to work on time.

I really don't want to talk to my Doctor because he is a family doctor and is also my children's doctor and my parents doctor. But in order to go to a specialist you have to have a referral from your Doctor.

I wonder if what I feel is just normal because of everything I'm going through right now. I just don't know.

Amy I hope that you don't mind me commenting on you and AAAAA's conversation. I use to get like this also, and it could be anxiety.

[amy83]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

Amy I hope that you don't mind me commenting on you and AAAAA's conversation. I use to get like this also, and it could be anxiety.

Do they do anything for anxiety...??
Or do I pretty much just wait it out?
I dont know if I would really want to go on medication, And talking to people about important stufff has never been something I could do. So I feel like a counselor wouldn't do much for me.

[AAAAA]

They can (depending upon drug Rx'd) also help with anxiety. I do not care for therapists, several bad encounters so I go to my regular medical doctor to take care of these things. Things like Lorazapam are taken as needed, so it's not like you're stuck taking medication every day. You'd be surprised how common this is, so don't feel uncomfortable discussing it with your doctor, he's there to help. My MD is also my family doctor.

It can really make a major change in your life. Taking the meds didn't change me into some happy-go-lucky person, but they did really help with coping with the stress and anxiety (which is how the OCD interfers with my life). It's all about your comfort zone.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by amy83

Do they do anything for anxiety...??
Or do I pretty much just wait it out?
I dont know if I would really want to go on medication, And talking to people about important stufff has never been something I could do. So I feel like a counselor wouldn't do much for me.

You can go to a regular MD and get meds if you need them. I take Paxil, but other people take different meds. When I first got on Paxil I had a regular MD write me a script for it. Now I go to a PDOC well that is because I have severe panic attacks without the meds. Meds aren't a bad thing if they make you feel balanced. I'm not much on therapy either. I don't do therapy with my PDOC either. When I go to my PDOC she's just like another MD. I tell her how I feel and if need be she just adjust my meds. Maybe you just need a vacation. I know that I need one.

[amy83]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

They can (depending upon drug Rx'd) also help with anxiety. I do not care for therapists, several bad encounters so I go to my regular medical doctor to take care of these things. Things like Lorazapam are taken as needed, so it's not like you're stuck taking medication every day. You'd be surprised how common this is, so don't feel uncomfortable discussing it with your doctor, he's there to help. My MD is also my family doctor.

It can really make a major change in your life. Taking the meds didn't change me into some happy-go-lucky person, but they did really help with coping with the stress and anxiety (which is how the OCD interfers with my life). It's all about your comfort zone.

Well we should be leaving soon for our plans so we'll see if i get stressed. I already went to the bank and got gas in my car while my bf is getting ready and dropped the little one off at his dad's so hopefully that helps some.
Also last night i tried my best to not be too clingy. I didn't ask my bf to go to bed with me i just asked him to come up and tuck me in. Then when he did he brought up the stuff he was working on and layed next to me. And not long after I rolled over to go to sleep he shut off his lap top and rolled my way and held me. Which was nice. He's staying at his house tonight, but I guess I can deal with that. Plus our plans today are in his town. So it makes sense for him to stay there tonight....
I'm hoping this day goes well!!!

[amy83]

I tried my best not to stress out. Only got a little annoyed bc my bf was taking too long packing up his stuff then he decided he had to look again to see where the festival was. Then forgot he needed to look up the bus schedule so we wouldn't have to try to find parking downtown. But all in all I did okay he agrees we had a goog day today. We met up with some of his friends and it was a good day. And even though he told me last wednesday he needs some time to himself, and that he might stay home during the week for a couple weeks, he said he might come up on wednesday So yeah maybe me trying really hard to not be clingy helped.
I just keep trying to remember that when he is here even if he's not cuddling with me he wants to be here with me or he wouldn't drive an hour here at night and hour back for work in the morning.
Thank you everybody for your help!!