Alone and Trapped

My ex is getting married the first of the month. The people we knew are giving them a wedding shower. Why do they need a shower? He kept everything we owned. She’s pregnant. I wanted children. The answer was no. I wanted to adopt. The answer was no. I wanted to be a foster parent. The answer was no.

I did find out her name is not mine, but very similar. She is wearing my jewelry, the ones he swore to the judge he had lost. “Honest mistake, Your Honor. As soon as I find them, I’ll see she gets them right away.”

We had a beautiful home and we gave it up to live his with mom. She was really sick and I took care of her, did her bank accounts, advised on stocks and did her IRA’s. I made money for that woman. Then the ex became a monster. When it was leave or die I had to leave everything I had, my furniture, my clothes, everything except my computer, my meds and my purse.

At the hearing, it didn’t matter that my entire left hand was swathed in burn bandages and that I had 2nd degree burns even under my finger nails. Since I had no broken bones or blackened eyes and had no prove he burned me... He showed up at the hearing with a sleazy lawyer in a cheap polyester suit with lies about my diagnosis’. I showed up with the truth. I lost everything but my car, my computer and a few personal items I had before we were married. I didn’t even get all of them. I went from comfortably well off to homeless in a matter of days.

He put his Mom in a nursing home and now lives in a nice home high atop a hill and he and his new one are sleeping in my bed, sitting on my furniture and using my dishes.

He started dating immediately. I have been asked out several times, but refuse to go. The one attempt I made recently went down like a sky rocket burnt in flames. That taught me a huge lesson. I must make myself as well as possible, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally before I can possibly move on to another relationship. I have accepted there may never be another one because I don’t seem to have sense enough to recognize a healthy relationship. I thought I had grown enough in therapy to know one, but the flaming sky rocket episode proved clearly that I do not.

It will be three years in September since I left. Next week I will have lived in this hell hole of an apt. for two years. Maybe that is it more than anything. My father left me a farm and very nice home which my mother sold. He depended on her to keep her word. Well that didn’t work. My ex ruined my home there and now I am here, trapped. Sirens blare all night and gun shots, fights and traffic clash constantly. There is no peace and quiet, no fresh air, no scent of trees, no real privacy and no safety... I need to escape. I need away from this apartment, away from my family - away from everything. I need to start over, but I just can’t figure out how. It’s just not in the budget.

I don’t want him back at all, but there is no one here to reach out and touch in the middle of the night when the nightmares hit. No roommate, no friend. I have learned to live by myself and accept it, but that does not mean I like it. I feel so trapped and so lonely that I am not sure I can take it anymore without something more breaking inside...and there is just not enough left of me in here to be able to afford that.

I don’t really expect any answers and I sure don’t want pity. I know there will probably be some replies and I will appreciate every one, but I don’t really expect them. I hesitate to post anything so personal and it is a hard choice to make, but I just need someone, somewhere to know that I am alone and trapped and I can’t find a doorway or window to escape.

Not very good at saying the right things... I know what you mean about hesitating when posting personal stuff-- I'm painfully private. It's good you posted though-- I think it does help to reach out, however hard that may be for some of us.

You said you don't want any pity... well, I'm just reaching out to a person that helped me the one time I tried the chat room, made me feel important and showed me around. I will always appreciate you for that- you are a very kind person I can tell, and it sucks that this has happened to you.

Please know that I'm here, you're not alone and if you need to vent/talk-- you can PM me anytime. I hope you take some time to nurture yourself- take a walk, watch an uplifting movie, post some more here-- something that will give you comfort.

Thinking of you,
Mandy

Hi Mandy,

I have wondered where you went. Please come back to chat and be silly with us.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. I truly appreciate it. I shall pamper myself somehow today. I'll have to think about my options.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing and thanks for the support.

Jan

PS. You know I'm here for you, too.

(((((((((((((((((((((((january)))))))))))))))))
I feel your pain. When you do find an escape , a window or a door let me know. I am here for you and I really enjoy talking to you in chat. I know chats can be logged but for some reason it is a better way for me and for some others to express themselves. It must be very hard what you are going through right now. You are in my thoughts.

Take care,
Leslie

January-
Dear Lord you are brave. Your injury doesnt show when you are tending to others. Your broken heart isnt a shield when youre giving away your warmth. I hope you will be walking in light toward something and someone and a new life instead of walking away from a miserable situation. It will be -because you are an attractive person in a spiritual sense. Also you have had a hand at raising children in your relationships here. I know thats not the satisfaction of raising your own but you make use of acting on maternal instinct and it is felt and palpable. Please be a good mother to yourself a protective of yourself like you would a daughter.I think its not random that a particular poulation of people walk the earth and relate to each other at a particular time in history and in the story of thier lives. Your an image in the scrapbooks of many hearts although you will never see the flesh.
I wish you to be happy- not to appear happy .

Thank you dear Leslie. I will surely let you know how things are going. I look for you everytime I'm in chat.

(((((((((((((Leslie)))))))))))))

Thank you my friend.

Jan

My dear, sweet Jan,

Hun, I wish I knew about all this pain in your heart before your post. You give SO MUCH to me when I need it. ALWAYS know that I am here for you, even if you just wanna scream and yell to the four corners of the Earth.

I have grown very fond of our friendship, and I am glad to know that we have each other to support. You know how to find me.

{{{{{JANUARY}}}}}

Love,
Jenn

January I am sorry to hear your hurting,if I could swim across the ocean I would be there for you, You were the first person I met in chat you made me feel so welcome you are a very kind and helpfull person and I hope everything works out for you.
Molly

(((((((((((((((((((((Jenn)))))))))))))))))))

You know you are my sister, and that means the world to me. Thank you for always being there and I still want my sweater.

Jan

Thank you dear Moly. Thank you for wanting to come to help. You touched my heart.

(((((((((((Moly))))))))))))))

Jan

I'm zeroing in on the hell hole apartment of which you said, "Maybe that's it more than anything." Maybe indeed. Anyway, it seems like if you could change that, you will have affected much.

I get it that your resources are marginal, and don't really know the nature of whatever MI monsters you manage, but I just bet we could brainstorm you out of that apartment. I'd be happy to collaborate on that with you if you think you'd like that.

How far might you like to get from where you are? Can you describe a situation you would like, that would represent your idea of you within the means that you have?

The gift of being down so hard, not to seem trite, is that there can only be up in some direction. The stuff you've gone through was painful and reminders are ongoing. Well, let's get the f*** out of Dodge then, eh? It sounds to me like somewhere in all of that you are saying, ok, enough years and enough tears, let's go.

If you want to pm me details, I'll be happy to help as one more mind applied to unraveling whatever the logistics happen to be to get you somewhere else.

But weather with me or someone else or by yourself, I think you'd really do yourself a favor to move. Let me know If I can help. tc.

i'm rising up out of my "sick sofa" (as in sickbed) to volunteer to be a brainstormer for the move.....i can tell you from personal experience that when you're already hurting and you're feeling so down.....where you live has a lot to do with the "giveupitis". i have to move also! i'm at the end of my "bass thumping sportscars, drug deals one street over, pitbulldogs behind me and boom boxes from an apartment behind me". so, if sqrl will allow me to assist...let's get a move on! pat

Oh Kathy, how you have touched my heart. I wish I could explain how much your words mean to me. *tears* I will cherish them always. Maybe my children are here. I often think it is my destiny to meet my friends here. I know I cannot walk away from here even when I feel I should.

((((((((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))))))

Jan

Thank you sqrl. I do need to move. I am going to try to move my couch so I can see outside a little without me looking in someone else's window and vice versa.

Woud living on the moon sound like a good move? There are no places here in my area that are safe that I know of. I have tried to get on a list for a small house with a yard, but they told me it will be a minimum of three years and that they prefer "disabled" persons to stay in apartments like this. (Lovely lady - not. Cannot say here what I was thinking about her then.)

We will brainstorm and I thank you so much for caring and so much for helping pinpoint things.

Hopefully my former bed will break, the couch will catch on fire and all the pots, pans, Christmas decorations, etc. will break. Oh and may everyone of our three boats sink and the fourwheeler get sugar in it's gas tank. (tiny, tiny grin)

Thanks,

Jan

Oh Pat!

I'm sorry you're going through it, too! That's terrible. Are you feeling better? Good lord, now there's two of us.

(((((((((((((((Pat))))))))))))))))

Jan

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Hopefully my former bed will break, the couch will catch on fire and all the pots, pans, Christmas decorations, etc. will break. Oh and may everyone of our three boats sink and the fourwheeler get sugar in it's gas tank. (tiny, tiny grin)


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Jan, it's nice to see you can squeeze a little humor out of the situation. Take a laugh whenever you can get one, I always say.

All right, a brain trust forming, too cool.

I know you've dropped off the radar for the time being from reading Ryan's message. Will look for you when you come back, and we'll see about your exodus. TC

my frustration is more of a "i can't seem to learn to live with all this noise" thing....my house is fairly roomy...but i had not lived in town since 1978 when i moved here in 2002...i had no idea how it would affect my mental health. i've spent weeks isolating...thank God for my cats and the dogs. i'd sure be up the proverbial creek without them.
whenever you're ready to brain storm.....let's do it!!!!

being that we met where we did..."brain trust" might be a little overly optimistic.....