Girlfriend is extremely depressed. Need help

I'v had this girlfriend for three months now. I know it's soon but I love her very much. But I don't know if she still loves me. She is extremely depressed and won't talk to me or her friends. Before she stopped talking she told me it happens to her a couple of times per year. She said she had therapy for years and took prozak to control it. But she is off it. Less than a year ago she got out of a bad relationship of three years. Her friend told me before they broke up she was depressed like this and wouln'd talk to him. Eventually she came out of it. And soon later he did something stupid and she ended it. Then she was depressed for another couple months. Then she started dating. Probably too soon. I met her 8 months later. We are the perfect couple. She is the first girl I have ever loved. Things went great for 2 months. I bought her a diamond bracelet and many other things. I was always great to her. The only problem we had was the distance. We live an hour apart. We had some arguments about seeing eachother. So I decided to make it work, I would move to a mid way point between us and she could move in. She loved the idea. She came over the next night with pictures of apartments. She was in a great mood. But later on that night her mood changed. She didn't want me touching her or sitting next to her. From that night on things got worse and worse. That was 3 weeks ago. I haven't seen her since. As the days wore on her mood got worse. We continued talking normally but she was always in a bad mood. She was really stressed out about work and her car. And her work schedule kept us from seeing eachother. The day before easter she called and said she couln'd come over due to work. I admit I was angry. She invited me to easter dinner with her family but I couln'd attend. On monday she didn't come over. On tuesday she couln'd. So I offered to pick her up. But she refused. By this time I was very depressed and angry. I hadn't seen her in 2 weeks and every time I talked to her she was mean to me. She said it was the depression but I didn't understand. I thought she didn't love me anymore. Also on easter night she called at 11:30 crying saying she was sorry she was always mean to me. I tried to calm her down but couln'd. So tuesday night like an idoit I freaked out on her on the phone. I felt like she didn't love me. I asked her if she wanted to break up and she said no. The next day she wouln'd talk to me. On thursday she said we needed to take a break. But we would still talk and see eachother until she got better. Then things would go back to what they were. By this time I was extremely depressed. I still can't eat or sleep or work. And I started having bad anxiety. On friday she didn't call me. But we talked at 2 in the morning when she got out. I told her what I had done wrong and how I didn't realize what she was going through. But now I did. On saturday we talked a couple of times and it was good. I bought her a gift certificate, but she got mad at me for it. On sunday she slept all day and wouln'd answer the phone. My anxiety got bad that night until I talked to her. The next day the anxiety returned and I was freaking out all day. I left her 3 messages begging her to call me. When she called me I told her I had made a doctors appointment and I asked her to call me a few times a day so I would be okay. She agreed. I talked to her that night. I talked to her the next morning for a minute and she agreed to call me later. She never did. The next morning I called her and left a message saying I couln'd help her, but I knew she loved me and I loved her and I would give her space to deal with her depression. I told her I would call her once a day to say hi and if she didn't want to talk that was fine. Todays the fourth day we haven't talked. I called and left her nice messages every day except yesterday I didn't call. I talked to her best friend a couple of days ago and my girlfriend won't talk to her either. The last time they talked a week ago she said we split up. And when asked about why she didn't know, but said we agreed to be friends. But this never happened. I am extremely depressed and I hope someone can give me some insight. Please help. Thanks.

Also her depression makes her very angry. It's impossible to talk to her. Could it be post traumatic stress? She said she was going to start seeing her therapist again this week and get back on medication and in a few weeks would be feeling better. Should I leave her alone?

Hi Noidea,
I am the only one awake probably so Im replying just so you know someone is here a made contact. I am not the best one for the feedback you are really looking for except to say I hear you and im letting you know . you will get many usefull opinions as the morning dawns so stay tuned. I do think you dont need to leave her alone nor is it likely you could. But you two need independant help from outside resources for yourselves. When you talk to each other I hope if its email you guys dont put in writing words you will misunderstand and not be able to retract or forgive. You are doing the smart thing to get other impressions on the behavior to help yourselve understand more whats going on.
I hope this will do for now- but also introduce yourself around. OK? Also there ifs a PSTD forum if you are suspect that her behavior is symptomatic of that. Good luck and goodwill.
Kathy

Hi...sorry that you're and your girl friend are going through such a stressful time. i can't speak as to what you should do about the relationship, but i can speak to what i'd like to see you do. get help for yourself. get a therapist...and work on your responses to the GF...the only person you can change is yourself. work to get an understanding of mental illness and how you can best deal with the problems that have arisen. post at Psych Central as much as you want to. tons of great people here!!! pat

Hello No Idea --

I think all of Pat's suggestions make sense.

1. Get counseling for yourself and for the two of you as a couple.

2. Nail down a diagnosis for her, and educate yourselves about it.

I have two of my own.

a. Don't rush. 3 months is not a long for a relationship. It is still "the first blush of love" as old-time poets described it. If she is your "forever love" your love will be even stronger a year from now. Couples survive years apart when a partner is, say, posted away for military service. True love can survive an hour's drive.

If you are fighting now, now is the time to get counseling and work through the issues. Moving in together will not necessarily make things better. In my experience and observation, it creates a pressure cooker and things get worse.

b. Keep some space in your lives as you build the relationship on a strong foundation that your put together by addressing issues, solving problems, and negotiating through things as they come up. Give each other some "breathing room."

And, above all, my suggestions are worth two-cents or else on the open market.

Best wishes for working things out.

Thanks for the reply's. All good ideas. But what should I do about the present? How should I deal with her depression? Should I continue to call her? If she doesn't talk to me how long should I wait?

okay, let's live in the moment here....have you spoken to her today? is that what you mean? right now??? or this week?? talk to me.

I haven't spoken to her in almost 5 days. I'v called and left messages but get no response. I cannot fully understand what she is going through. I don't know if she is still my girlfriend. I know she needs space and I am giving it to her. But it's killing me not knowing whats going on. I just want to help her.

okay, there's nothing you can do right now...but get yourself educated about her depression and get help for yourself. it is most important that you learn about the disease and get help for yourself. i am stressing this.....calling her constantly, if you are, isn't giving her much space, in my book. i know that when i'm depressed, i don't like to talk to people. please do something about yourself...okay? xoxoxo pat

I have been getting myself educated. The reason why I'm here is to get opinions from people who have dealt with these situations. As for myself, I have never had true depression or other problems like that. But I do have a problem with grieving. The last two weeks have felt like we broke up. But I am slowly becoming accustomed to the situation. And I don't call her constantly. I call once or twice a day and leave encouraging messages and tell her how much I love her. I need to know how long this could last. And if I'm only causing her more greif by calling. Or if it helps knowing I'm there for her. She told me we needed to take a break for her to get better. But we would still talk. But she also told her friend we split up and would remain friends around the same time. Could this be her way of dumping me? But I did nothing wrong to cause it. I just wish she could clarify for me what's going on.

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I don't call her constantly. I call once or twice a day and leave encouraging messages and tell her how much I love her.

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To me, once or twice a day, leaving messages, is "constantly." If you kept it up, I would consider you a stalker. Mind you, that's me. But then, I wouldn't be hiding out, either. I'd get on the phone and say, "Stop calling me. You're driving me nuts."

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I need to know how long this could last.

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I don't think anyone is going to be able to tell you this. Unless you find a really, very accurate psychic. That last point is a bit of levity, but I am NOT making fun of your issue. I know what it's like to be dumped. And dumped without explanation. Happend to me after 15 years.

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She told me we needed to take a break for her to get better. But we would still talk. But she also told her friend we split up and would remain friends around the same time. Could this be her way of dumping me?

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Yes, it could be.

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But I did nothing wrong to cause it. I just wish she could clarify for me what's going on.

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The notion of moving in together after knowing each other only three months may have been too much for her. And for some people, moving into together after knowing each other three years is too much if they have commitment issues.

Have you left a phone message saying that you had heard through the grapevine that she has broken up with you and could she confirm it? After that, I would suggest not calling with more "encouraging messages."

If she doesn't call you, you have indeed broken up. If she contacts you at some time in the future asking to get back together or acting as if you two had never broken up, you will have to made a hard decision at that point:

She will have demonstrated her capacity to withdraw without explanation. At that point, you can discuss the need for couples counseling. Or, if you are a glutton for punishment, you can move forward and take a risk that this is going to happen to you again and again in this relationship.

Bottom line: I'd ask outright for clarification. Then I'd stop contacting her. Then I'd get counseling for myself and take care of myself.

Breakups can be just awful. If I say "I feel your pain" that is not a Clintonesque triteism. My breakup occured just two years ago and right now I am in the anniversary period, when I was going through what you're going through. Pain so awful I felt like I could hardly breathe. Confusion. Not able to eat. Reading about your pain makes it all too-real for me again.

So, please, get care and counseling for yourself.

God, this sounds like you ripped out the chapter of my life I'm going through right now and created your own story. The only difference between wafts happening with me is I'm in highschool. My girlfriend who's had depression since I started dating her 3 months ago ( same as u ) just started getting much worse, she shut herself off from me, and her friends. She won't talk to me about her pain any more, i thought at first she just list interest in me and almost broke up with me, then she explained how bad it is, and that talking to me got her overwhelmed and she did g know why. She kept telling me she was trying to figure it out but couldn't, I miss her so much and have decided to her therapy myself to get an experts opinion on out situation, I'm not clinically depressed, but I'm showing signs of depression that pass with time, but then get bad when I think of her and miss her. The only times I see/ talk to her now is after school when we walk home, but she's closed herself off up physical contact, we do t hold hands, and when I hug her it's awkward and unwanted/ obesided. Luckily I'm optimistic about therapy because it seems I'm not alone with this issue, ice found others like you and me out there. I'm going to give her the time she needs and hope I get the old her back, I still love her, but it's hard when I get no signs of love, let alone acknowledgement back.