Problems making/keeping friends

I have not made a lasting friendship in 30 years. I am on friendly terms with people I work with for the time I work with them, but nothing lasts beyond that. I take classes and meet people outside of work too.

I don't know how to approach people to maintain a lasting friendship. I discussed this during my last time in therapy and sort of know the things to do, like asking them questions, not talking about myself, etc., but I still don't know the steps to take to bring people closer to me.

It hurts and I feel lonely and unwanted most of the time. I am better than I used to be about it, but I would still like to change things if I could only learn how. We just bought this house and I'm so excited and happy and want to invite people to an Open House, but I'm so afraid no one will come, I probably won't bother.

On the flip side, when I do seem to hit it off with people--the people I'd really like to stay friends with after a class or job ends--I wonder why they like me at all? And I doubt my feelings that they like me are true.

Any advice would be appreciated, but I'm not in a position to return to therapy right now, and I think I can do this without the personal touch of a therapist.

Sorry this is so long.

I'm sorry! Would you like to volunteer or get involved in organizations? That's all I can think of now! We're here for you.

Hey catch,

Congrats on the new house, you must be proud and excited! Have your open house, please do It will relieve some of the confidence issues about why people would like you. It will be a situation with a purpose and you wont need to worry about what to say etc... their there to mingle and see the home, just give yourself some practice tours and I am sure it will go great!

I also find allot of what you say to be very close to myself and my feelings, except I think I am just more content with it. I can count on my hands how many friends I have and 8 out of 10 are friends simply by association. But I am ok with that Not many people in their 20's want to hang around sober talking about business, history and art, and thats ok. Allot of friendships are just that, common grounds, friends by common interests. Have you ever sought out a social network based around what your passionate about, lats say its boats, look for a boat club, or a mustang club etc... anything that you feel confident about and will have/host activities that you and others can share.

Hope the home treats you well

0ldsoul

Awesome that you have a new house! Wohoo! What a great opportunity to open it up to some new friends, invite all the neighbors! Who cares if anyone shows up or not? (Most likely they will.) Just have fun. Oh, and it would be a good excuse to get all the boxes unpacked. lol!
On a more serious note... I have the same fear issues with friends so I understand. What my husband tries to explain to me is that even though I feel our friends don't always like me, that isn't the case. (This feeling is more prominent when I am depressed.) Maybe you should talk to your significant other to find out more positive aspects of your personality, you know to give yourself a confidence boost.
Oh, and through experience the easiest way to bring people closer to you is be relate-able, and after a while open up (add personal experiences). Say when you are talking in conversation with a co-worker and they say: "Today is my mom's b-day." You could ask about their mom then recount a funny/ironic story about your mom/a birthday. Instant personal connection. The two people I always feel are my friends I started and continue this type of banter with. I know it seems somewhat formulated but it works.

Hi Catch,

Classes, clubs/organizations based on hobbies, church, volunteering or using meetup.com are all great ways to meet new people and make new friends.

Why not give them a try?

Yes, church is a good idea, too! I've made several friends at my church.

Thank you for your input and support. The thing is, I do all the things you suggest. I am friendly, and outgoing (much more than I used to be), I make sure to ask about people, and their family, especially if I know their mom has been ill, or daughter left for college, son had his bar mitzvah, etc.

These are friendly workplace exchanges, not a "friendship" that will last beyond my employment period. Once I or they leave this job, the friendship is over. I don't want that. I hate that.

Same with classes. Everybody is all friendly during class, but once class ends, so does the friendship. Some last a little while, via email, but those die off pretty quickly.

My only friends are my Husband's friends--ALL MALE. I haven't got a girlfriend to shop with, go to lunch with, do things with that my husband doesn't like to do. That's what I want. What I Need, and is and has been missing from my life. And I don't know how to get it.

Several people in my office go to lunch together regularly, others go to happy hour at least once a month. I've never even been invited, not to lunch, not to happy hour, nothing. Once I tried to put together a happy hour in celebration of several people in the office graduating from college. No one even responded to me.

I agree with Never Clever. Have a housewarming party! Invite neighbors, coworkers, friends of friends, anyone. It's a great way to meet people.

I so get where you're coming from because life is just the same for me. Over the years I've tended to have just one close friend but sooner or later they've "dumped" me in favour of someone else or used me so now I'm alone. I think I'm a very friendly person and I certainly seem to smile more than most, but although people at work seem to chat to me OK but just like you, there's never been suggestion of meeting outside of work.

The same thing happened when I went to evening classes. I was sure someone would want to keep in touch and swap numbers but it never happened, despite my hints. It's like people already have a circle of friends and aren't interested in gaining more, whereas I can't even get one!

I ended up just trying to get a penfriend and contacted several people with whom I had lots in common but again, no reply, not even a courteous "thanks, but no thanks".

I shop alone, eat lunch alone, have coffee alone and it makes me so sad to look around and see so many people sitting with their friends, talking and laughing.

I would so love to change my situation that I'll even ask on here - I'm 37, female, live in Essex (UK) and would love another woman to write to or meet for coffee!!!

Hi catch,

Finding friends is hard for everyone. Everyone experiences rejection. So don't give up. Keep reaching out to people. Sooner or later you will find someone who will want to be your friend.

Take care

Peppermint

I can appreciate the optimism of your statement above, but after 30 years, just how long am I supposed to try? Obviously I am doing something wrong. Or expect too much.

Maybe I have to look at this like a woman who finds herself still single at 48 and afraid she'll never find the right man. I guess I'll just have to make my peace with the way my life is. Enjoy the work relationships for what they are, enjoy my exclusively male friends and forget about this, and hope to be senile by the time my husband dies and leaves me all alone.