[katie14]

My Husband and I have been married for a long time (19 yrs) in that time..there have been more than I'd care to acknowledge, inappropriate incidents with other women. I won't go into all of it here but suffice to say he has done many things in our marriage that have required my forgiveness, have been really hurtfu,l not to mention jeopardized the integrity of our relationship.
Twice I have had women call and suggest he was cheating. He denies it, I believed him. Not because I am naive but because I don't think he could. He may be alot of things but truly I don't think he is capable. I may be wrong....regardless,
this brings me to this latest incident with our rather large breasted, chronically skimpily clad, much younger neighbour. According to our young daughter, they were all outside when my husband asked if this neighbour if she could do a cartwheel and could she show our daughter? He acknowledges that this young woman is attention seeking, has no boundaries and seems to need validation from anyone (male) who will give it to her. He seriously doesn't see how inappropriate this is.This is the second incident involving this person and I am angry. The first one was her calling his cellphone over Christmas because she found something "perfect" for me that he could buy and did she want him to pick it up. He never has come up with a reasonable explanation of how she obtained his cellphone number to begin with and in fact when this latest incident happened the reason for her having his phone number has changed between then and now (interesting)

I guess what I am asking specifically is for someone who claims he has never been happier in our marriage and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it..then why is he doing this? He says because there was no sexual intent on his part (not sure I believe that)it's not a big deal and that I am basically making a mountain out of a molehill. For me, It's humiliating, hurtful and a whole host of other things and I feel very sad. I don't want to leave. I don't know that I have the strength. I have been with him longer than I haven't been and I have a pretty nice life. I would just like a nice marriage too. I don't know if he truly doesn't get it, he's lying to cover himself, he's self absorbed immature or what?? Please help. Thank you in advance

[sabby]

Hi Katie,

Welcome to PC. I'm glad you found us!

Let me ask you some questions here. First off, what is your "gut" instinct about your husband cheating or at the very least flirting more than would be acceptable to you? Are you hearing some sirens go off? Is it tightening when you think of this happening? If the answer is yes to these questions....go with your gut and investigate what's happening here.

From what you have posted, it sounds as if your husband really doesn't care how you feel about his behavior. That's very unfortunate. I think that any time a spouse invalidates how their mate feels, it's a huge problem (when done over and over again). It tells me they only think of themselves, they only want to make themselves feel validated, and then it's at the spouses expense.....not right in my book.

I think at this point it's important for the two of you to do some real heart to heart communicating. It must be done when both are in a good mood and neither one should be accusing the other of any difficulties. Use "I" statements.... such as, "I feel dismissed, when I try to tell you what I think of something and the only feedback I get is, "you're being ridiculous". If you both have a hard time with this, then I strongly suggest some couple's counseling. Sometimes we have to learn how to communicate with our loved ones, especially after being married for 19 years.....many things change in our lives, as a couple and individually and we need to learn new skills.

Good thoughts going out to you both!

sabby

[AAAAA]

Hello Katie and Welcome to PC! We’re so glad you’re here!

In my opinion of your situation, regardless of his “intentions” if these things hurt you or make you uncomfortable it’s WRONG. I would have absolutely flipped if my husband had done something like that not only in front of my child, but using my child as a tool in his sick game!

As Sabby said, those alarms go off for a reason. We tend to get into trouble when we don’t listen to them. 1 + 1 ALWAYS = 2. Even if he’s not cheating he’s acting inappropriately.

[katie14]

Thankyou so much for your response. My "gut" tells me that he isn't cheating. I know it may be difficult for an outsider to believe this and many may shake their heads, thinking that I am incredibly naive but believe me after every thing we have been through I just don't think it's in his make up. That said, his behaviour is often inappropriate. Often, I feel dismissed. We have been in counseling. Afterwards, it would get better for awhile, then it would disinigrate to what it was before. I don't want to lead you to believe that all of the time he is terrible. He is not. He can be very kind and very loving and sometimes..surprising...but he can also be selfish, immature and someone I pray our 14 yr old son doesn't model his behaviour after. Recently (3 months) we made a decision to turn over a new leaf..everything would be left in the past and we would both sincerely make an effort to be the kind of partner to each other that we wanted for ourselves. For the first 2 months it was wonderful. Lots of intimacy, talking, handholding, kindness etc then slowly over this last month, he has been quite detached. I have gently tried to tell him I need hugs and kisses and just the basic couples stuff. He would smile and assure me that he wanted that too and then it just never materialized. I don't know. He swears he is still in love with me but then from left field comes this...I have asked him to go into counseling alone. I think he needs some help to help him see how his behaviour is sabotaging our relationship..and while he is doing that I think I need to brush up on my job skills..just in case. Thanks Again.

[katie14]

Thank you so much for your response. As I wrote to Sabby, I believe that I need to be far more critical than I have been and I believe that in asking him to seek counseling on his own it's a step in the right direction. He claims he does know his behaviour is inappropriate but in the next breath says, "I could understand if my intent was sexual but it wasn't, all I was asking was for her to show our daughter how to do a cartwheel" Clearly, he doesn't get it. My hope is that in counseling he will have someone that can help him see that if he did this in front of the young womans husband he'd likely be sporting a black eye.

[jerrymichele]

I'm so sorry!!!!!!!!!!! This has got to be so painful for you. I would have done what AAAAA siad she would have done. Flipped out. Well, since he won't listen to you maybe a marriage counsler might help. What he has done is so, so disrespectful to you and your daughter. I would try what Sabby has suggested too. Other women calling his phone and you, that is defintely a mind blower. When he disrespects you, I would give him cosequences for his poor behavior. Maybe he might get the hint then,

[bridgie]

I am so sorry to hear this is happening. Just from what you wrote it sounds as though there is a ltl more going on with your husband. Its ok to not to want to admit it. I did that for a long time. It was easier to pretend to not see but it will eat at you. And you may not feel strong enough to leave but once you make the decision to its like there is a reserve of strength to get you through. Now if you don't want to leave you definitely need to have a discussion with your husband because his behaviour is not acceptable if it is making you feel this way. Good luck to you

[katie14]

Thank you so much for your responses. Knowing that I have somewhere to go now where people understand is a tremendous relief..I actually slept pretty well last night and that hasn't happened in a long time lol. My husband today says he exercised extremely poor judgement. I'd like to believe he gets it but I know he doesn't because he continues to minimize his role and said that he thinks sometimes my feelings come from left field. I told him that there isn't a woman out there that would be comfortable with what he did and that by trying to isolate my feelings as something that would be more abnormal than normal onlt makes him dismissive and that brings us back to the whole respect thing. I know some people reading this may think I am in denial but I assure you there are no rose coloured glasses on here. I am committed to him and our family just not at any price. Thanks again everyone for your support it means more than you can know.